PreMarital Counseling
 

1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?





Just some things that have been on my mind lately. :cool:

Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

BEEN ON YOUR MIND!! Alright sistagreek! Well, I'm no where close to being married (although my boyfriend thinks otherwise)

1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?
Yes

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?
I think it's a great thing. There are certain things that may not have come up. Also, there are issues that you have that you need to mediate.

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?
I would have to question that. RED FLAG!!

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?
N/A

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?
Definately spiritual counseling from my pastor.

Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

Sorry for crashing your board, but this has been heavy on MY mind lately, too!

1) I would definitely opt for it! More things - good and bad! - come out of premarital counselor when done properly than most people could begin to imagine!

2) You get a more realistic idea of what your future mate thinks about topics that you hadn't even begun to think about! As for cons, yes, garbage comes out, too!

3) I would still go. It's too important to ignore.

4) When I was married the first time, we sat & talked for two 1-hour sessions with the pastor - mostly about the wedding. It didn't do very much good, although the pastor who married us later apologized to me (after hearing what went on during my marriage) for feeling that something wasn't right but not speaking up.

I've since been a counselor in a Christ-oriented divorce recovery group, and have gone for counseling the two times I've even gotten serious with a guy! This pastor really knows his stuff, runs some tests, and generally gives you a better sense of if you should be seeing each other or not. I'm now engaged, and we're seeing two different counselors! :)

5) As a believer, spiritual is the only way to go, for me!

Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

Um Soror, are you trying to tell us something? ;)

Re: Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

No I promise. :(

Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

I'm nowhere close to thinking about marriage but anyway:

1. Yes, I would chose it.
2. Pros, I'd be getting advice from someone with more experience. COn, it might be biased or judgemental. Hopefully not
3. We'd just have to talk about it. If my mate wanted it and I didn't, I'd probably go just to keep the peace. The problem might be where we go for the counseling.
4. N/A
5. Spiritual - it's always good to learn about the Christian approach to marriage.

Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

1. Before I got married our "counseling" consisted of "Read Ephesians 5. Any questions? O.k. Good. " Bless his heart. I WISH we had had some serious indepth counseling before we got married. I think it would have prevented some of our power struggles early on.

2. Pros--as a veteran of counseling (marital and individual) I think having a third party really helps get things out in the open. That person can ask questions and make observations that you can't always do in a relationship. The only "con" I can see is the posibility of getting an unqualified counselor. The fact is that a lot of folks have gone to school for 3 weeks or have some type of certification but are the pitifull-ist counselors you have ever seen. So called "Christian" counselors misusing and misquoting scriptures. I know someone who had a "Christian counselor who basically told her the problems in her marriage were because she was not submissive enough. Now, I truly believe in Biblical submission of the wife to the husband,l but how you gon' tell somebody that their husband is on drugs or addicted to porn or sleeping around and it is because you are not submissive enough? Sorry, I don't think so.

3. Like some one else said, MAJOR RED FLAG, but I would explore why they did not want counseling. Some folks were socialized to believe that you don't tell folks your business or that counseling is for crazy folks or that Black folks don't go to counselors. If any of these misconceptions were the case, I would find some good books for us to work through together. Les and Leslie Parrott have a good one that I can't remember the name of right now, Gary Chapman's the Five Languages of Love (or something like that) or Bunny and Frank Wilson's The Master's Degree are good choices IMO.

4. As I mentioned, we did not have premarital counseling, but we have been to several marriage enrichment seminars (which I recommend for couples to do every couple of years, even if nothing is "wrong"). Typical topics are communication, sex, money, and conflict/fighting fair.

5. I believe a house is only as strong as it's foundation, so it would definately have to be spiritual. Of course if you do not have a strong faith center I don't think it would make a difference.

1. Yes I would definitely do it. Anything that can help lead to a more succesful and spiritually united marriage I am for.

2. The pro's would be getting things out in the open BEFORE the marriage starts and expressing feelings. Also having a third party there to help give insight on the relationship. THe con's would be not having a well trained counselor withenough knowledge and background and also not having a fully receptive partner.

3. I'd still strongly push for it. There shouldn't be anything to hide and try to figure out why they are so against it.

4. N/A

5. I'd actually consider both. Mainly spiritual from my pastor because that is where my foundation is and that would be the major walk of our marriage and then also a couple counselor as well for a psychological perspective. But if I could only do one I'd pick spiritual

1. It depends on the counselor (spiritual). However, if I am a member of a certain denomination, a certain type of "counseling" could be mandatory.

2. I second what crimsonangel said regarding the Pros and Cons.

3. Since being in a relationship is about compromise, then we'd have to COMPROMISE. How? It all depends...

4. N/A...yet!

5. Both
One will counsel with the ultimate COUNSELOR throughout the marriage. :D

1. If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?

Definitely!

2. What are the PROS? Cons, if any?

The pros of having premarital counseling are great. For one, there's a mediator present. Secondly, things are brought up that have never been discussed by the couple. Thirdly, it allows you to get advice from someone with experience. Lastly, it reveals if you're really ready for marriage or not.

3. If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?

I would question marrying him. If he doesn't want to get premarital counseling, he definitely wouldn't want to have marital counseling if something went wrong in the marriage. Huge red flag.

4. For those who are married or engaged, did you have it? How did it help you? What are some of the topics discussed?

Not married or engaged.

5. Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?

Since Christ needs to be the core (head) of my marriage, the couseling will be from the pastor of my church.

God

Hubby Wife

The visual isn't working, but picture a triangle with God being the head.

Smooches!

Re: Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

[hijack]

Les and Leslie Parrot?? Are these two married or are they related? That just sounds like the craziest name for a couple. It almost seems too perfect.

[/hijack]

1. I would choose it because it opens the floor for conversation.

2. From my experience its all pros. My husband and I talked discovered several things about each other.

3. In my case my mate didn't want it at first...then he decided to go.

4. As you know I'm married. It helped me to understand that my husband likes to take charge of situations (I usally take charge of everything!!!!).

5. We had both types.

If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?
Yes I would.

What are the PROS? Cons, if any?
It encourages communication (which should already be there if you're getting married) and it may bring to "light" certain issue or discussions that the couple may not have even thought to discuss.

If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?
Hmm, as someone else said , RED FLAG!!

Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?
Why spiritual of course! ;) - Seriously though, I plan to honor/fulfill my marriage according to the Bible, so a Christian counselor would be aligned to those beliefs.

Re: Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

I definitely think that pre-marital counseling is a good idea (although I'm not married and have never experienced it). I have to admit that I'd be burned up if a counselor tried to tell me to submit to my future husband. I just don't believe that just b/c I was born with female genitalia instead of male genitalia that he should have the say. What is the logic in that?

If anything, I think that whoever is more well-versed on whatever the subject matter of the particular decision, should have the final say - and the other should submit to that person.

I'm sure that I'll get flamed by the bible quoters but oh well. :)

SC

Re: Re: Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

Yup they are married and both named Leslie. How weird is that!

Re: Re: Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

Naa, we won't flame you ;) . But I will say that the whole "submission thing" goes much deeper than a simple " men should rule over women" type of mentality. *lol* Way more.

Eclipse did have a good point though. A good counselor would be important as well.

Re: Re: Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

No flame (and I won't even quote one scripture! :D ), but let me just say that I believe in the concept of biblical submission by the woman and the headship of the man (even though I don't do it all of the time! God is still working on me!). My problem with the advice my friend got was the notion that ALL problems come from lack of submission from the wife. Totally obsolves the husband of all responsibility. HELLO--he is supposed to DIE for her. He is supposed to love her like Christ loves the Church. Ephesians 5 also talks about the mutual submission to Christ. ( oops...I said I wouldn't quote scripture! ;) ) What about THAT?

Contrary to what some (like the counselor I mentioned evidently) believe, I don't think biblical submission means that the man makes all the decisions and the woman parks her brain at the alter after she says 'I do'.

Another good reason for premarital counseling! Make sure you are on the same page about the submission thing if you are a Christian!

Sorry for the hijack. My thoughts on submission are well documented on GC. I even have to pull up myu old posts from time to time to 'remind' myself of God's plans. It's amazing how He used your own words to conk you over the head!

Re: Re: Re: Re: PreMarital Counseling
 

Well then HK, if it's not about having to designate someone who should be the boss since both can't make decisions on every single thing and the man should randomly be made chief decision maker b/c he was born with male genitalia which makes him the de facto leader b/c having a penis obviously makes him dominant, then what is it about? Ok, I'm exaggerating a little but isn't this the essence of the biblical argument? :)

Feel free to direct me to the thread if you happen to remember the name of it. I can't find it.

Just found it - I'll post over there.

SC

http://www.greeksource.com/gcforums/...591#post625591

I think this is another helpful thread for you Summer Child. :) I pulled it to the top already as well.

Thanks again CT4!!
SC

Guess I should answer my own questions
 

If it were OPTIONAL, would you choose to do it?
Yes I definitely would seek premarital counseling. I know a lot of churches require it, but I want it just because anything that can help my marriage is a benefit. I plan to marry ONCE and it be til death do us part. I want a counselor to teach me how to better love the man that God has ordained to be my lifemate.


What are the PROS? Cons, if any?
The pros are knowing your mate better as well as yourself. I know myself but there might be areas that I do not totally know. I want to be able to talk to my mate and for him to talk to me. I think that counseling strengthens communication.


If you wanted it, but your mate didn't, then what? or vice verse, mate wants and you don't?
It is definitely a red flag and I would have to be prayerful about our relationship.


Spiritual or non spiritual form of counseling?
Definitely spiritual counseling. I want us to be equally yoked and have the tools to seek God as the Ultimate Counselor in our marriage.

We had pre-marital couseling. It was not required and was headed by the minister who married us. It was helpful. We discussed practical issues from a spiritual standpoint.

Pros...talking about something other than the wedding. Wedding planning can get overwhelmind and sometimes it can be a relief to talk about another segment of the picture.

Cons...Each relationship is different and their is no magic formula. So, some things our minister said were completely ignored by us because it didn't fit the way we didn things in our lives. However, if we had been more impressionable, we might have tried to do things the way he was saying instead of what we already were doing that worked.