Staying Over at my Boyfriend's Fraternity House
 

Hello! This is the first time I have written anything on Greek Chat but I have visited alot in the past because my boyfriend is in a fraternity so I have been trying to educate myself somewhat about fraternity life (not the MTV show which I heard is pretty lame)

This question is kind of greek related and I'd appreciate it if anyone might be able to share their opinion with me. My boyfriend and I have been together since the week before Halloween. He lives in his fraternity house and it has come to the point where he wants me to stay overnight with him there. In a way, I would like to because I have a roommate in my dorm so we can't get any privacy there. But I am pretty nervous about what other people would think. His brothers are (most of them) really nice guys and they seem to respect my and his relationship but I want to keep it that way. I don't know how they'd feel seeing me leaving the fraternity house in the mornings! Actually I think I do know how they'd feel because I have heard the comments they make about girls who have stayed there. That whole 'walk of shame' stuff. I don't want them to think that way of me. My boyfriend says they wouldn't, but he obviously has an interest in my staying there so he's not a neutral party. Can someone please give me some advice?

Thank you very much,
Caitie

i wouldnt really worry about what his brothers say. boys will be boys!! and usually the walk of shame thing is for random hookups--not relationships. i think that if you want to stay you should and see what happens. if you dont feel comfortable then dont stay again. thats what i would do anyways.

The fact that you are asking the question and have stated that you have actually heard comments made about other women that have stayed overnight kind of tells me that you already know the answer to your question...

Would it give people a reason to talk? Sure it would. Does the benefit out weigh the costs? Only you can really answer that question.

I hope the guys here don't kill me for saying this but, my bigger concern would be for your safety. I would never encourage a woman to be alone in the bedrooms of a fraternity house. More than likely, the fraternity men of this house are great and you would be safer there than anywhere BUT you've only known this guy for a month or so, how well do you know the other men that live in the house. Are you putting yourself in a situation where something bad could happen to you?

Good luck in your decision.

guys in houses usually tend to not think too much about girlfriends spending the night at fraternity houses. like xoheatherxo said, they usually talk more crap about random hook ups than serious or even semi serious girlfriends. i wouldn't worry about it too much.

It's really all going to depend on the individual fraternity members and their atmosphere. Here, something like that wouldn't be a bid deal unless a girl was "ho-ing" her way through the fraternity and was staying in a different room every night (which, of course, happens!).

It's all up to you. This is a really tough situation for most of us to be giving advice to. The only thing I can say is that if you would be embarassed to walk out in the morning, you're not ready to.

That's really nice that so many of you ladies answered already! Thank you! :)

The thing that really jumped out at me was AstroAPhi saying about if I'm embarassed to walk out in the morning I'm not ready to. I think that sums up my whole situation! At home, it is just my mom, my little sister and me. I went to an all girls high school and live in a girls dorm. So the thought of spending the night in a house full of men, even with my boyfriend, is pretty overwhelming to me.

He's been nice about my not wanting to stay. He said he doesn't want me to do anything I'm not ready to do, so it's not like I need to decide anything right now. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up sometime next week and decide it's time, gross bathrooms and all! Lol.

Thank you again for your replies, and especially for not judging me for considering it!

Smiles,
Caitie

Boyfriend in Frat
 

Hi There,

I have gone through a similar situation! I have dated a Kappa Delta Rho brother for almost 2 years now, and although I don't live near the school (its the college that I graduated from ) I still stay at the house when I go up to visit him for the weekend. It was weird in the beginning basically because of the bathroom situation and of course the random happenings in the house, you NEVER know what you are going to come up against. Anything from chair races, to pledges, to ...well, almost anything ( you can only imagine). AT any rate, the "walk of shame" was definately reserved for those who stayed over night due to a "drunk hook-up", definately not girlfriends. I guess I didnt' feel werid because alot of girls who are dating brothers stay there all the time. I have become good friends with alot of them. I wouldn't worry about what they think though, its definately more important that your guy respects you. Hope that helps:)

I personally would never spend the night at a fraternity house. I guess that's just me. I don't think my sisters would appreciate me doing it either, and possibly harming the sorority's reputation.

I never shacked at a house because when I had a Greek boyfriend we either were living in the same dorm, or I was in the house but he had a single dorm room. Anyway, lots of girls I know in all sorts of sororities shack. I really don't see any girls who are dating a guy in the house getting made fun of - it's more the random girls. One of my friends in XY was a pretty consistent shacker at her boyfriend's house until it got closed, and she was really friendly with all the brothers - she'd eat breakfast and watch cartoons with them in the mornings.

The Walk of Shame is only used for the girls who are shameful of what they did the night before. The ones who are shameful are girls who had a hook up or they are the fraternity house ho. If you are his girlfriend, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
In my boyfriend's fraternity, the only girls they would talk about were the ones who did the drunken hookups or the girls who tried to mack it with all the guys in the house. Girlfriends were not talked about. The fraternity brothers usually respect another brother enough not to talk about his girl. Also, she's his girlfriend so she has a reason to spend the night. :)

I really don't know where the idea of staying over a frat house harming your sororities reputation comes from or that your sisters will look down at you for it. Last time I checked this was the year 2003. It seems to have become the norm and socially acceptable for that manner, to stay over night with a person of the opposite sex.

Maybe I'm crazy or maybe I'm just being realistic!

Stay over if that's what you really want to do. If you're worried about what other people think maybe you're not mature enough to make a decision like that.

Hussies! :p ;) :D

If it's your boyfriend, why is it a big deal?? :confused:

They *might* good naturedly tease you, but I can't see why it's a problem if you're dating.

LOL, i haven't heard that word since like 1986 when my mom last used it. :p

My mom occasionally calls me a hussy. It's hard for her to deal with like, clothes that actually fit people. :D :p

Eh, I'm really good friends with one of the fraternities here and I've stayed over there a bunch. I've stayed over when I shouldn't drive. If I'm horribly upset, there are of a couple of my great guy friends that live in-house, so I end up going over there to talk to them and they usually make me stay so I'm not driving all the way home, sobbing. (Of course, there's little better than snuggling with another warm body to make you feel better) In bad weather, I live about 30 mi away so I stay there overnight. I'm treated like a princess, everytime I walk in the door of that house (as is all women) and treated like a Queen if I stay the night. Granted, I'm not hooking up with any of the guys IN the house, so maybe it's not the same, but I'll stay in the rooms with some of them on occasion (usually when I'm upset) and so, any outsider would think that i was, but the brothers know what's going on, so it's not a big deal. I don't think it's an issue....if you're ready to stay the night and love this guy, who cares what they think (even if they do think anything). Just remember which bed is his and not to wander from room to room...it's amazing how many girls wander from room to room ;-) ;-) (some even try, here, but are usually shot down)
Greek Love and Mine,
Mandie

I've been staying at my guy's fraternity house on the weekends since April and if you make an effort to get to know the other people in the house no one makes a big deal if you stay over. I regularly eat breakfast with the guys and hang out...but I was friends with people in the house before he and I got together. Honestly I think when you're ready for it go for it. Yeah the bathrooms are gross and stuff like that but it can be fun too! :D

can any fraternity brothers give us the male perspective on this topic?

I think a girls rep would be find if she stayed over if she was with her boyfriend. If she has no boyfriend and stayed over she might not look as good to people walking out in the morning.lol

Go for it,
the only guys that would have a problem with it in any way would be the ones that never have girls stay there.
Most of the guys will be cool with it and actually it's probably one the best ways to get to know his bros. Considering they will act a lot more like themselves since you're a bro's girlfriend, and not just show their ass to impress.

Most of the guys on here wouldn't know. And if you stay over you're considered a regular, people know you're hitting it with your boyfriend (not a bad thing) and you're not a shy quiet girl in the library. Of course most of the brothers wouldn't touch you since you dated one of their brothers if you broke up so their opinions shouldn't matter. And if you're just a hook up, the guys will talk about it probably after meeting and recommend you to others.

-Rudey
--Truth.

Yea I totally agree with you here. I stay at my boyfriend's fraternity house, and I am good friends with most of the guys there so while they occasionally tease me, it's all in good fun. And his house is just up the street from mine, but he still drives me home in the mornings. Girlfriends do not do the walk of shame here, so if that's what you're worried about I wouldn't. Just my $.02, good luck with whatever you decide to do. :D

X 2 - that is the truth.

I agree! I sleep at my boyfriends house all the time. he has a single and I am in a double. Yes the bathrooms are disgusting, but they are all fun to be around! I dont see a problem with it at all and like everyone said it is totally different if you are a girlfriend than if you were a random hookup.

If you are ready, listen to what everyone else here is saying. Make sure you are ready though, you seem worried about that part. He will deal with his brothers if that would even be an issue. I've dated guys in two houses, and stayed the night with them, and it was no big deal. Granted with the first guy, I wouldn't walk into Sig Chi alone for like three months. (I was a big fan of the hoodie.) The reality is that if you act naturally about it, they won't blink an eye. Just really make sure you are ready to be there, that is most important, boys are dumb and will be fine. Besides, people are right, the strangest things happen at 2am in a fraternity house...it really can be quite the experience.

I'm not sure if this is a national or just a chapter policy (I'm guessing it's more of a chapter policy) and I'm not sure of the policies of the other sororities on my campus, but our members are highly discouraged from spending the night at any of the fraternity houses. It can also become an issue with our Standards.

We don't "look down" on our sisters who do it (after all we are in college), but we do try to adhere to our policies as much as possible. :)

Geez, I've really not been reading GC too much, lately. Since when does FAB have a boyfriend?! Congrats! Hope you're happy! :)

As far as sisters looking down, etc. it probably all depends on the school. At my school, we all lived on the same block for the most part, but we stayed at frats all the time. I mean you were either really good friends with the guys in that house, or had a boyfriend in it, but it wasn't a big deal. And all the houses did it, so it didn't give you a bad rep. I stayed *right next door* at my bf's all the time and neither the guys nor the girls had a problem with it.

THANK GOD I went to a laid-back school
 

Shacking was very much the norm at my school, both in fraternity and sorority houses. We had views of quite a few fraternities from our house, and we'd laugh at the obvious walk-of-shame girls, but never the girlfriends. I mean, really, what's so wrong about it?

If you discourage your sisters from staying overnight at a fraternity, do you also discourage them from staying overnight at their boyfriend's if he's an independent or living out? If so, that seems super hypocritical.

I'm curious if this applies to fraternity houses that are at different schools too. Just about every Saturday night (or another night each weekend) I go to my boyfriend's school an hour away and I find that it is much safer if I have been drinking or depending on how late it is to stay at his house. I think your standards board would agree that they would rather have girls shacking than having DUIs! I'm also curious if this also applies to boyfriends or just random shacking!

I have read each and every one of your responses and, again, thank you. I don't know really why I feel like this is such a big step for me. I guess I have another 3 1/2 years here and I know that once a girl has a reputation it is hard to shake.

Can I ask two more specific questions?

1] I think I read in some of the rush questions here that if someone decides to try and join a sorority, they need to be careful about how they act because you never know whose watching. Even though most of the sorority women who answered my question were supportive of me staying in the house, is there a chance that if I decide to go through recruitment next year it will be held against me?

2] The concensus of the guys seems to be that it's okay as long as it's a girlfriend and not just a one night stand. That's what my boyfriend says too. I'd really love to hear from more guys their opinion on that please?


I really do WANT to stay at his house with him. I just want to make sure what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do are one and the same.

Thanks again! You are awsome!
Caitie

Still not sure, Then Dont! Period!

Love (HA) is stupid or is it lust?

Hey I really like you let us get it on! I will respect you in the Morning!;) :(

Caitie, it really depends on your school. At my school if you had been dating a brother and shacked a lot, it wouldn't be an issue, but our rush isn't very competitive at all. Do you go to Kent State? I would make ask a friend or two in a house there what the general perception is. I think that most schools in the Midwest tend to be more lenient about these things.

And a PSA to the general GC audience: You can share a bed with a guy and not have sex.

You should stay at my house.

Most of the Brothers here have Girlfriends that stay over from time to time so that's pretty nomal here.

You seem to be very concerned about this all.

If YOU don't think it's right, if it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. Us GCers can't tell you what personal choices you should make. I don't know how "experienced" you are, etc. - it seems like maybe you're not comfortable with the idea. I could be way offbase, but it's my impression, because if you were comfortable with it, you'd just go ahead and do it. Just do whatever you're comfortable with :)

I agree with the others on here. If it something you really do want to do then just go for it. Im sure people wont talk since he is your boyfriend and not just a random hookup. but be sure youre ready to do it. or you could try it and if you were uncomfortable then wait awhile to do it again. Just do whatever your heart tells you to do :)

Our policy doesn't really say anything about different schools, so I guess that could be a loophole! And I completely agree that staying there would be much safer than DUIs... not only for our sisters, but everyone else on the road too :)

And as far as I know, our policy also applies to boyfriends :)

Caitie-

I am an alum many years out of school, so my thoughts may be totally dated. I do remember a few things about being in college though ;-)

Yes... there is the possibility that sleeping overnight in a fraternity house could hurt your reputation. And your reputation will certainly be considered if/when you decide to participate in rush.

You have been dating your boyfriend what, 6 weeks? You just haven't had time to get to really know him very well yet. Yes, I know you think that you do!! Humor me for a minute....

Let's consider a couple of scenarios. Maybe he is "The One" and you marry & live happily ever after. What are the chances?? Kinda hard to tell at this point.

Scenario Two... he turns out not to be Prince Charming and you have an ugly break up in another month or so. At that point, he may decide that this was never the relationship that he thought it was. Maybe he starts joking around with his buddies and starts saying not very nice things about you. He jokes that he was just looking for a lovely piece of whatever to occupy his bed. We all know that it happens :-(

All of a sudden, your nights at the frat house are not portrayed as the relationship it was at the time. Now you become his "hookup of the week". The truth will be long forgotten.

Now you become nothing more than an easy, cheapie girl who "sure can be a lot of fun", he says with a wink. And that's the reputation that is remembered, the one that you take into Rush with you. Sure, some of the girls might know the truth. A lot of them won't.

Sigh. Life is so complicated.

Re: THANK GOD I went to a laid-back school
 

Ditto -- here shacking is completely normal, and nobody would worry about it at all. In fact, if you have a serious or semi-serious boyfriend, people would be surprised if you didn't at least spend the occasional night over at his place.

As for hurting you in rush, depending on the school it could hurt you or it could actually help you. At some schools, it could hurt your reputation. At a school like mine, where shacking is no big thing, it might even help you -- if you hang out for breakfast you get to know sorority women who have spent the night there with their boyfriends. Of course, if you're worried about it you should err on the side of caution.