Pre Mid Life Crisis?
 

I apologize if this is way long. But do guys go through some kind of crisis in their mid to late 30’s?

A close friend of mine has twin girls; she just has a new baby last week. So she now has three kids under three! Here husband went to work on Monday and didn’t come home. She tracked him down to his mothers, and he stated he has not been happy for a while and does not want to be married anymore. Ugh! They are both in their mid thirties.

Two years ago a friend of mine who was in her thirties had the same thing happen to her. Luckily there were no kids involved in this case. (She has since re-married to her soul mate, so this one had a good ending).

Both of these couples were really successful. Good jobs. Nice brand new homes. The men were helpful, nice, supposedly one of the good guys. Yet the men decided they “just didn’t want to be married anymore”. Is this a trend? Do men, or maybe it is just married men, hit 35 and wonder why they aren’t single?

When did they get married? Early 20's is too young for a lot of people...when I think that I used to say I would get married at 25, I shudder.

That's so terrible :(

I think the first couple got married in their late twenties. And the second couple in their mid to late twenties. So they were traditional couples that you would assume would work out. They had all had time to sew their oats.

What is also weird is that these guys were the type you would classify as "nice guys". The first guy helped out with the kids, changed diapers, spoiled his wife. (she bought a new car every year almost). The second guy also down to earth & nice.

These are couples I envied. I have never been married, so I am not a subject matter expert. But they had the type of marriage that I would have wanted. Then it goes wrong. Scary.

Maybe they were just happy when others were around and had some problems when it was just them together?

Excuse my language, but this scares the hell out of me.

I'm newly engaged, and my fiance and are are secure in the knowledge that we want to be together, for life.

But then again, we just saw a close couple-friend of ours break off their engagement, seemingly overnight. One day they were planning their wedding, the next day she left him. They, as far as anyone could tell, had a great relationship. I'm good friends with him, and he said he never in a million years saw it coming.

I think about my fiance, and how I'm really the first serious relationship he's ever had. We've both dated around... but I've had other serious relationships... he hasn't.

I'm totally scared that someday in 10 years, he's going to decide, hm, this sucks.

He swears it never will (we've talked about it a lot)... but I'm sure these men never thought they would feel that way either.

:( this is what happens when you don't get enough sleep... you fret over things that are totally unrelated to you!

Didn't mean to scare you Ginger!

I still believe in love and in happily ever after. I am an incurable romantic. Good luck on your engagement. I really don't think this is the majority of men.

I was actually hoping to get some guy perspective to on this subject also. I just find it weid now that I am 30 I have had two friends go through this. What I want to know is if all guys go through this, but only a few wimpy ones act on it?

In this particular case -- and to some extent probably many others -- this family's lifestyle might be a culprit. Even though they were "both successful," spending this kind of money can be a huge strain on a family. Add children (and the associated costs) and the strain increases. Having a set of twins probably realy more that double the stress.

Of course, the problems aren't entirely financial, but money does affect just about every part of your life in one way or another. And our society does tend to be very material.

Children tie you down. The are a constant demand on your time, attention and wallet. To some people, they aren't worth it, I guess.

Another thing that must be considered is why these two people decided to leave. It might be entirely their problem, and it might not. Without being a part of the particular family, it's impossible to know how much stress the partner adds to the ralationship.

Have you noticed that I haven't mentioned gender? That's because women leave relationships and families as well. I have several male friends who are raising their children after their wives left. I will grant that probably more men than women choose this route, but it isn't exclusive.

Finally, as in any social interaction, couples put on their best face in public and with their friends. There is no real way of knowing what the relationship is really like when alone in the family.

We have no way to judge these families. We don't live with them. My perspective comes after having been married for thirty-three years and raising three children while being the sole source of income for a large part of that time.

It can be grueling. While breaking up the family should be the absolute last resort, I can certainly understand why some men and some women choose "the easy way out."

It's always sad.

Edited to add:

These days, if your marriage survives, you are probably in a minority. Sad, but the last I heard only around half of all marriages last. We married fairly young, (21 and 20) so I reject the idea that age has to be a factor. When we got married, though, two other "perfect" couples and we were married within a month -- all shortly after the wife's college graduation. Of the three couples, only we remain married. One of the other couples had children, the other didn't.

Not to be totally nitpicky (and I will get back to the subject at hand), but there are numerous studies (had to read them in gender studies classes, would totally go and get them, but they are in storage) done on both sides of the pro- or anti-marriage arguments that blow the myth of the 50% divorce rate to shreds. Basically, it comes down to the misreading of statistics; it was merely an approximation of how things MIGHT become if the divorce rate grew at the same rate as it did in the late 60s and early 70s.

This, however, concerns me more:

Ack, I can only begin to imagine the insane stress that something like that can cause. I can imagine that it could drive someone into something like an early midlife crisis--if he was the family's sole provider, having three tiny mouths to feed (all under three!) was certainly overwhelming. I mean, one of my grandmothers had 13 kids, and at no time did she have three toddlers or babies running around at the same time. That could put insane stress on the strongest of marriages. Think about it--three years ago, it was just them. They could essentially do anything they wanted, whenever. In a relatively short amount of time, their lives and economic situation changed drastically. Now, they won't have the old freedom for at least 18 years--if at all. Just thinking about that scares me!

I definately think Delt Alum made great points!

Interesting. Of course, if you look at my very small, very unscientific survey from the early 70's (see above) the divorce rate between our three couples was 66 2/3%

Between my two daughters who married in the late 90's/early 00's, one is divorced and one isn't. 50% divorce rate.

Of course, if you look at my wife's family, there's only one divorce out of four marriages. 25%.

Looking at my family, the success rate is 100%. I'm an only child.

Of course my mom and dad were divorced.

In the new adult community we just moved to, it seems like we're the only couple that hasn't been divorced at least once. Probably 90%.

So, if you forget the previous sentence which is a SWAG (swingin' wild ass guess), out of the ten identified marriages (including my parents) there were five divorces. 50%.

What does that prove? Beats me. Except that statistics can be confusing.

To answer that, he makes more than she does. But she works, has a great salary, and provides medical benefits for the family. And they already have two baby girls. I really want to know why he wanted a third child nine months ago, and now has no interest in being married.
And no, it was not an accident, I work with this friend. She gave me updates every day. They were trying for a another, and hoping to get their boy to round out their family.

I don't think this is totally related to having a family. Like I said I have another friend that this happened to, and they had no kids. Maybe it has to do with freedom, being stuck with one woman, maybe that is harder to accept for men in their mid-late thirties?

Nothing. I just hate it when that bon mot is thrown around carelessly.

I can do the same thing with my parents, both sets of grandparents (including my paternal grandmother who got remarried after my grandfather died), my partner's parents, both sets of his grandparents (including his maternal grandfather who got remarried after his wife died), and my siblings--the marriages which would probably impact MY marriage the most--and I get 100%.

Oh, Kristin (my divorced daughter's name, BTW), I think you're either looking for much too easy of an answer -- or are looking for something wrong in these two men because their wives are your friends. You may be only getting their side of the story. Understandable.

Nothing in life is that simple though, I'm afraid.

Although I would never ask her, my very strong suspision is that, although the divorce was reasonably amicable, it was our daughter who walked away. Nothing sinister, it (and he) just wasn't what she expected.

In any event, it isn't fair to assume fault in the situations with your friends unless you lived with them and are absolutley sure.

I also think it is almost always a mistake to have a third child in order to "round out" a family. There's a 50/50 chance there (I think we can agree that pretty accurate) of a big disappointment if that's the reason for "trying again." That can be a huge stress as well.

People give up on marriage too, TOO easily these days. It used to be that a nice piece of dick/pu$$y comes along, *poof* they're gone. But that's not the only threat anymore. People are starting relationships online, are not willing or opting to go to couples counseling, suffering in silence due to a lack of communication, focusing on material fulfillment instead of emotional fulfillment, thinking of marriage as one long date, hoping that one person will fulfill all of your "missing" elements, thinking the relationship is over if the lust diminishes, etc....

I'm not an expert, but since my father passed away, my mother has told me so much about their marriage that has blown my mind, and taught me a lot. You have to work for your marriage, I mean REALLY work for it. You have to sacrifice, compromise, challenge, and tire. You have to listen, talk, be willing to be wrong, and share the blame.

"Love is meant for the brave". I love that quote because it's true. You can't wimp out or be afraid to face things about yourself and/or your partner if you want a true bond to develop and last...


One more thing: you NEED to talk about your marriage expectations BEFORE walking down the aisle. People get so wrapped up in "the big day", they forget about the fact they have to live with that person for the next 60 years!

You are probably right. I just thought what a weird coincidence. And you are correct, as much as we women gossip, you never know what is really going on.

I just really feel for my friend. I am a single mom. And it has not been easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way because my daughter is wonderful. I think her husband and his family will still be a support to her, but with three children she definitely faces challenges that her husband won't have. It will be much easier for him to move on, while she is still recovering from her c-section. I get really angry for her. (of course I don't say too much, you never know, they might work it out).

Girl, you typed the words right out from under my fingers.

Hey Munchkin,

You take my statistics post WAY to seriously. I was actually pretty surprized to discover that my random playing around really came out to 50%. Actually, it almost made me laugh out loud.

You know what they say, "Figures lie and liars figure."

As I said, there was nothing at all scientific about it. Just having a little fun (mostly at my own expense).

You should all get arranged marriages and not touch members of the opposite sex prior to marriage.

-Rudey
--That's why your marriages are doomed to fail.

Great idea, Rudey. You can be our test case.

Sigmagrrl, some very wise thoughts.

Kristin, sounds like your daughter has a pretty good mom.

Damn, this thread could have been written about me. I've experienced it.

I haven't talked about it at all here, but what the hell. I am someone who left a marriage. For all I know, we looked like a happy couple to anyone on the outside, but I was slowly growing more and more unhappy every day.

We were together for about 3 years when we got engaged and were engaged for almost 2 years. After being married for about 2 1/2 years, I basically left, but he was the one who moved out at my request. I think he was actually shocked.

Maybe some of you think I'm a terrible person and that people give up too easily. Maybe either or both of those are true, but until you've been there you really can't say. I think that I just slowly fell out of love over the course of our relationship. I think he's a great guy and I think that he deserves to find someone who will be happy with him and not just barely tolerating the relationship. I also think that if you fall out of love with someone, and it can happen without you even knowing why, it's impossible to get it back, ever. I stood there on my wedding day thinking that I was doing the right thing and I would be with him the rest of my life.

Knowing that this can happen scares the holy hell out of me. Because it happened to me, I know damn well that it could happen to someone else, and for all I know the guy I'm with now could fall out of love with me someday. It's scary, but it's just a risk you take being in love.

I don't mean to sound like I'm all down on love or relationships or anything, but I just thought I'd provide the other perspective.

Thanks DeltAlum!

And thanks to Val for sharing the other side. Affairs of the heart are truly scary ventures. :)

Thanks.

The day I turn 35 I am going to divorce my future ex wife. After that I am going to buy red Corvett and find a 18 year old girlfriend.

Then, two years later, yet another 20 year old former girlfriend will own a red Corvette...

OK.

Relax. Not all marriages end up that way - some do, but....

I'm 36 - right in the middle of the mid-life crisis age.

I'm very happily married, and have been so for almost 12 years. Three kids. All three not planned. All three fantastic, however.

Two years ago, four of the five couples we used to hang out with all announced they were divorcing within a three month timespan. We were afraid to call the fifth for a long time (they are doing fine, btw).

Two were the man leaving, the other the woman. All were aldultery related divorces.

Since the day my wife and I married, I've been committed to the rest of our lives together. We've had our moments, as all couples do, but, we have made it so far, and are stronger and more intimate than ever.

Sometimes people just let life overtake them, for whatever reason, and they decide to make rash changes - that is the "mid life crisis" - thankfully, I haven't had one, nor plan on it. I'm right where I wanted and believed I would be before I was married - educated, employed, making decent money, a father, and a homeowner. I think a lot of people get unreasonable expectations - and the reality of the real world of marriage bursts a bubble (i.e. I lived on credit cards and barely-above minimum wage for one year after getting my Master's - NOT what I was expecting from advanced education, but that was the reality of the economy at the time).

We realized that in order for each one of us to be successful in life, it meant it would take BOTH of us working together to make us successful individually.

I'm not an expert, but since my father passed away, my mother has told me so much about their marriage that has blown my mind, and taught me a lot. You have to work for your marriage, I mean REALLY work for it. You have to sacrifice, compromise, challenge, and tire. You have to listen, talk, be willing to be wrong, and share the blame.

Delt Alum-Sigmagrrl- LXAAlum-Valkyrie
ALL terrific posts! Now another addition...

I DO think there is a mid life "crisis" of sorts. Maybe it's more like
apoint in time where you make a decision that what you have IS worth it. There are so many opassages in one's life. The FIRST is when you see your friends getting married. Then come the babies, next divorce. What's next? Your parents either dying or needing assisted living. This is a part of life. Of course sometimes life is cruel and these things happen far too soon, before we , as an individual, have the strength to withstand the pain. We are always growing through our experiences.

Love is an ever changing emotion. Think of the gambit your feelings have run with those closest to you in your life.

There was an old movie with Bruce Dern called Middle Aged Crazies (I THINK) and it was pretty darn accurate of what a man might feel. I'm not ignoring the feelings of women, just applying it to the initial post. The thing is, we all reach a point when we think is this what I WANT? It's connected to aging and our fear of losing our youth...I HONESTLY believe this, though I couldn't prove it. I wouldn't write them off as a couple but I don't know them. Maybe he needs a moment to BREATHE. I have ALWAYS believed men are under a considerable amount of stress. Regardless of the wife working or not, there are social as well as financial pressures that women are only beginning to experience.

Valkyrie...I remember a moment too. I think if we are really honest, most of us have that one moment in time... We just made different choices, but I understand.

Actually, I didn't. I did the same thing you did--I just had a higher success rate. Oh well. Maybe I should have put a smilie or two on the post to show that I didn't--there's always next time. I just can't stand that "statistic" being thrown around.

Back to the topic at hand...everyone has said really great things that have made me think. Sometimes you see people hop on a soapbox about how marriage should be forever, and anyone who gets out of one is weak and selfish. But, it really isn't that simple.

The way I see it, there are three sides to every story. With divorce somes he said/ she said... the truth lies in the middle.

You will never know you friend's true situation -- it's not your life. I'm very sorry to hear that she has to go through this.

I have been divorced. Most people we knew thought we were a happy couple who just had the problems that come along with married life. Very few actually saw how our life together unfolded, and those who did were not aware of everything wrong between us. In the end, it was my decision to move on, and I am a much stronger person because I chose to end the marriage.

Divorce is never an easy thing, but in many cases can be in the best interest of both parties -- and children involved. What is most important when there are children is that the adults realize they have to be civil. They don't have to like each other, but they do need to work at getting along so the children don't become pawns in some sick game.

Do any of the divorced women of GC live in a house with 40 cats?

Shultzz, you rock my world. I have 8 cats right now -- but in my defense, 4 of them are newborns who be finding new homes when they're old enough, and my boyfriend lives here too. ;)

shultzz-get over to the good, bad and ugly thread! We were just TALKING about needing someone like you!;)

I only have one cat. I've also remarried and gained 2 dogs blending the family.

Hahahahaa! Been there! In 1984, we had a 2-year-old and the infamous twins (followed by babies in 1986, 1987, and 1988 and luckily the rest didn't come for almost 3 more years). I don't remember 1984.

You have to cling together in times like this and remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now we didn't have any marital problems but I can see how a troubled marriage might crack from the stress of 3 babies under 3.

Re: Pre Mid Life Crisis?
 

OK, I'm going to explain something to you. Guys that go through this stage in their mid to late 30's, it's not a mid life crisis. See, they are going through the things that some of us went through in college. Some guys are dorks in primary and secondary education, that is high school and college for those across the ocean, but while in college or else right after they end up meeeting someone who they like and get married to. However, they havent been through all the stuff that other guys have. These guys usually look like the "good guy" that got away. While being married they usually find out all the stuff the some of us find out while being in relationships that lasted for a number of years in our younger days, kinda like being married to a girl. After a number of years, a shit load of knowledge of women later and a few kids, they wake up and realize what they've missed out on earlier in life and thus decide not to waste any more time before they get too old. So, what happens? They get a divorce and decide they aren't happy with the whole family thing. This inturn sparks just another downfall for these types of men. They already have kids, been divorced and are starting to resemble guys they knew back in college. This works to their disadvantage only because sooner or later they'll finally catch up with the rest of us guys and want to get married again. By this time they usually shack up with another woman whose got kids and between the two of them, things usually get pretty damn hectic later down the road. Usually those types of men end up being married 2 or 3 times before their drama filled lives come to a halt.

I don't understand why some people can't figure it all out.

On the other hand all the guy that girls think were players in college and those who were bad news then, they're the ones who usually end up getting married when they're in their late 20's and early 30's. They're also the ones who usually end up being the better husbands because they've already got all the craziness out of their system. We've already had the orgies, the crazy parties and fullfilled most of our fantasies with females. We've already learned most of what is to learn about women by that stage of our life. By the time we're ready to start a family we've already sowed our wild oats and got all the partying out of our systems. It's not hard to understand. In the words of sigEp_stud, there's not a lot of "studs" in this world. That would explain why few marriages last, not many guys are "studs" and fall into the category of men who later make good husbands who stick around.