Relationship Question: How long....
 

do you think a couple should be together before they get engaged? Do you think a couple should live together to "test the water" first, or should they only move in with one another after the marriage? And finally, do you think that high school sweatheart marriages actually last?

Re: Relationship Question: How long....
 

I don't really have an answer to this question but every couple varies.

Statistically speaking though, couples that tend to marry first and then move in together last longer than the average couple that decides to move in together before getting married.

Well it thing it depends on the couple an what time they are ready to be engaged. I personally think it is best to wait til you both have decent jobs and some money to make a marriage work.
I would encourage living together first because you can work out your problems early on and know if you will be able to handle living together. Some peoples living habits juts don't click with each other.

I know of people who had known each other for just weeks before they got married, and they're still married today.

However, I do not agree with cohabitation before marriage. Maybe I'm old-fashioned and you can call me whatever you want, but I was not raised that way and to me, it doesn't look right. Plus, what do you think is one of the top 10 reasons why men who have been living with their girlfriend for more than 5 years won't just marry them already? Because if they can live with their lady WITHOUT getting married, they aren't gonna rock the boat. :p

First question, IMO, a year at least. People are too elastic these days. People often try hard to be someone that they are not in order to please a person. You can't be sure how someone really is, until after a while. Eventually the person's true colors will show. If you give them enough time for them to get comfortable, or the opposite, extremely stressed the elastic behaviors should decrease. IMO you cannot collect enough data on a person under a year, people are hell of good actors.

Re: Relationship Question: How long....
 

I think that how long varies and depends on the couple.

I don't necessarily think that people should live together just to "test the waters" but I personally think that living together is a good idea. Never in a million years would I get married to someone if I hadn't lived with him first, because I just don't think that you really KNOW someone until you live with him.

High school sweethearts? I don't know, and I don't know any high school sweethearts who are still together. I wouldn't say that it can't work, but I don't think it's a good idea if neither person has really dated anyone else. There will come a time when one or both of them will get curious and want to see what else is out there.

Re: Relationship Question: How long....
 

Every couple is different...

That said...

At least a year before getting engaged I think is a good time to test the relationship waters. Hopefully a year is time to get through the puppy love/infatuation state. I'm against living together before marriage. I've read some studies that more couples that lived together before marriage have gotten divorced...sooo I'm against it for the most part. As far as HS sweethearts...I know a few very happily married for 25+year couples like that and think it can def. work.

yeah, every couple is soooo different....all depends on how committed and really in love these people are. i, personally, would not live with someone b/4 i was married....that's part of marriage....if you love someone enough to be married, you love them enough without "testing the waters." at some point, the marriage will be strained, so what? you gonna act out every possible scenario to see if it "clicks?" not for me, all i'm saying.

and my parents have been together since they were 14, married in '76....and just bought a brand new mustang convertible...........those crazy, crazy kids!!! :D

I think it's impossible to set a limit or an "engagement clock." However, with the rates of divorce, I think couples should really make sure they are ready to get married and are truly committed to staying in the relationship for the long haul...I, personally, don't think that can in done in a handful of months.

High school sweetheart?
 

What is the true definition of a high school sweetheart? Your first love? The person you started dating when you first got to high school or the person you started dating before college?

Possibly, the older the two are the shorter the time they would have to know each other to become engaged or be married.

Even though they dont know the other person as well, they have a good chance of knowing themselves better and their role in the world around them.

No one can really say that any relationship will or won't work. Certain generalities are seem to work out statistically though . . .

So for example, the marriages of people that live together first are shorter than the people that don't live together before marriage. However, you will find that if you count total time of the relationship you will find the times to be about the same. They just reach the shelf life of their relationship.

I hate to second guess people and will leave out the whole idea of seeking self actualization or a myriad of life experiences before tieing onself down. And if you don't think you give a lot of things up becoming engaged or married you are fooling yourself.

I will say that marriage is an economic union for the purpose of having children. So the idea is to marry before the children in order to build a secure "nest" fo having children.

If you are not ready to settle down and start having kids or put together a nest specifically for kids soon, then I would question why you would want to get married right then.

I think its a mistake a lot of people make. They get married before they have to . . . and it limits them before their time.

James, http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmili.../xyxthumbs.gif

When I say high school sweathearts, I am refering to the person you were dating when you graduated high school and began college. See, I am asking these questions for several reasons: 1) many of my sisters are engaged to the guy they have dated since sophomore year in high school. Most of these girls have only dated that guy, and they are now in their junior year of college. I worry that these ladies are going to marry the only person they know, and if it fails (not that I want it to fail...I wish only the best for them) they are going to be crushed and unable to move on in their lives. I am fully supportive of their decisions and I am happy for everyone out there who has been together for such a long period of time. IMO, people change dramatically from senior year of high school to their second year of college. I know I did, and I realized that the relationship I was in (with my sweetheart) wasn't what I wanted out of life. I met someone else....which leads me to my second point.
2) I have been with my guy for 2.5 years. We will both be 23 years old this summer, and we both have our college degrees. I feel like this is the time in my life where I should be planning the rest of my future...well, as much as I have control over. We have discussed marriage and children, but it's still not a serious conversation. All of my friends think that I will have a ring within the next year (:D ), and I am in no rush to receive it. He thinks that we aren't ready yet...so that's why I wanted GC input on how long you think you should be together.
3) I have mixed feelings about living together before marriage. On one hand, I think it's good because you get to see if you could actually share a life with this person. On the other hand, I think it's not a good idea because you know that at any time you can run from the relationship. I agree with the posts saying that a couple will work things out if they live together after marriage. Oh, such confusion running through my head!:confused:

Anyway, sorry for being so long, and thanks for the feedback!

Happy Tuesday:cool:

I personally would never dream of being engaged to someone I hadn't been dating for at least more than a year. But maybe it's right for some people.

As for living together before marriage... well I am doing that right now, but we didn't start living together till after we got engaged. And we're only living together now because economically it makes sense, since we're getting married in less than a year anyway. It's impossible to live without a roommate unless you make a lot of money in this area, and it would make things difficult if we were both stuck in leases living with other roommates when we get married. The plus side is that we are finding that we live well together :D

I guess high school sweetheart marriages could last... I mean, there's no set time at which each person will meet the person they were meant to be with. I know that in my experience, my HS sweetheart and I don't even speak to each other anymore.

A decent model to follow might be to think this: When you want to have children, get married.

Otherwise, is some ways, its kind of like keeping score, the ultimate form of social validation. I have seen girls in despair that they won't get a candle pass or won't get that ring before the graduate or shortly after.

Its as if the ring is a goal in and of itself. There are girls on this site not even into their mid twenties that have had 2 rings given to them (two engagements) theere might even be a third. As bad as Ross on friends.

I have an intellectual understanding of the pressure that girls put on themselves, especialy when we consier the peer pressure around them . . . but that is probably a bad reason to get married or engaged.

So, when you are ready for kids you get married. What else is there to talk about?

If people move in before they get married they don't have that much to look forward to, but that's just my humble opinion.

If the only thing people look forward to when then get married is moving in together, then don't get married.

I really doubt that Dionysus meant that there is nothing else to look forward to in the relationship...just that the whole "making a life together in a new space" element will be gone.

So, when you are ready for kids you get married. What else is there to talk about?


So well put James! And I assure you, I am not ready for kids at this moment. I have way too many things to do before then! :p Thanks everybody!

I was just talking about this today at work! My fiance and I moved in together after college pretty much out of economic necessity. There is no way I could have afforded an apartment by myself, and there are no jobs in my hometown for him. So, we moved to Pittsburgh together and lived with his parents. (THAT is a true test of the relationship. I would *highly* advise NOT doing this. EVER. NEVER EVER.) After a few months, we have our own apartment, and it's a real learning experience. We're learning how to share responsibilities before the wedding craziness, which I have found to be very good.

However, the girl I work with did not move in with her SO before they were married. She enjoyed starting everything new together. She said it was definitely a shock getting used to some of his strange habits and all, but she wasn't going to divorce him over his doing the dishes before he eats dinner. Whereas if someone wasn't married, it's easy to let those little things build up, drive you nuts, and move out.

Generally, it varies couple to couple. There is so much more to making a relationship work than the physical space you share and when.

Re: Relationship Question: How long....
 

first of all, my grandparents were high school sweethearts--in fact they got married only a couple months after my grandmother graduated. they had 3 children and were very happy until my grandfather died in early 2002. that was 53 years of marriage. So yes, i do believe that high school sweetheart marriages can last.

I don't really think that a couple should live together before they are married unless you live in a town where you need a roommate in order to make ends meet. If you need to live with someone after you're engaged because you want to grow closer to them or get to know them better then maybe you're not ready to be engaged to them in the first place. I'm a firm believer in getting to know someone by talking to each other--I mean really talking, not gossiping or never being serious with one another. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

My boy and I have been dating since September 1997 - we were 17.

Two weeks ago he proposed.

By the time we are married we will have been together for nearly 7 years.

He's dated other girls; I have not dated anyone else.

I don't really care if there is anyone else out there - I've found what I'm looking for. I don't think that will change. I'm fully aware that this is for life.

One of my best friends just married the guy she started dating after HS graduation.

Don't rush things. When its meant to happen, it will.

mixed opinions
 

I think that it's good to not live together before marriage but then again that can help you find out some of his/her faults b4 you tie the knot. For example: bad hygiene, messy, rude, etc...

I've seen the good and bad results from living together before marriage..

Every couple is different. It's out of anyone's hands to really give you advice on when you should think about marriage. Personally I won't even talk about with my girlfriend of 3 years because I think 23 is still too young (for me).