Can I get some advice from people I don't know?
 

So, talking to some of my friends, I've realized that a lot of them do not understand my situation in the least, and aren't really willing to listen because we've all got our own problems right now (it's like the quarter for break ups and skeletons coming out of the closet here at UCR). So I'm asking for advice from the wise GC community...

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years (also my best friend) broke up with my in February, completely out of the blue (he "wanted to see other people and couldn't make a commitment anymore"), and I'm starting to really get over it. We've had some trouble trying to remain friends because we always said we'd still be friends, even if it's just acquaintances who speak once a year. Well, we got to the point where we feel comfortable hanging out together, and I feel comfortable hanging out with his friends and bros (who were my friends before we started dating and have still remained friends). He wants to start having a friends with benefits situation, and I'm not sure if I want that because of the second part of this situation:

The ex mentioned above (we'll call him Alex for lack of better pseudonym) knows that I hang out with some of his bros on a regular basis, because we always have, even if Alex wasn't around. That's just how our friendship is. Well, these bros happen to be Alex's little bros and grandlittle bro, and they all live together with the grandlittle's friend from high school, "Mark." (They live about a mile from me, so it's convenient to hang out). I've gone out with these guys a few times in last week or two, and they finally introduced me to Mark, who I knew of as a roomate, but never met. Well, Mark and I exchanged numbers, we went to a club last week with the rest of the roomies and some of my friends/sisters, and we hooked up that night at his place (no sex, I'm a good girl). His roommates knew I spent the night there, on the couch in the living room with him, but when they asked Mark what happened, he kept his mouth shut and just smiled (which I totally respect), so they asked me instead. Mark and I hooked up again last night, which they also have no idea about, at least yet.

Here's the thing: The guys know I like Mark, don't want a relationship, but want to get to hang out with him more, etc. They've told me he doesn't want a relationship either. Mark is not a bro of the fraternity, doesn't even go to our school, but is transferring in a year or so, and will probably become a bro because he knows them all anyways. His roommates have expressed a number of times to me that Alex was in the wrong for breaking up with me, that he wasn't worth me, and that I should keep up something with Mark because they say they think he's a better guy for me and won't hurt me like Alex did. I understand that some may think this is being disloyal to Alex as a bro, esp. as their (grand)big bro, but I like Mark and wouldn't mind getting to know him a lot better, and seeing if something happens from it. Is it going to cause issues with Mark's roommates if something did come of it, issues between them and Alex, or possibly Mark and Alex given that Mark may rush? Should I pursue this, or show more respect for Alex as a friend? Should I believe the roommates when they say that I deserve better than Alex, and that Mark is MUCH better? I'm really confused here and just need to know what is thought of the situation...

PS: sorry this is so long... i need to vent it all...

Alex is done. Stop forcing friendship also.

Date Mark.

Alex's Brothers are back stabbers.

Oh, if you want to still hook-up with Alex, don't.

People that protest they don't want a relationship are deluded and are the first people to get into relationships. So stop saying it.

Have I left anything out? lol.

Ditto on everything James said.

Alex wants to be friends with benefits, lol... Yea well, that's very classy of him. I don't know if I'd have the balls to walk up to one of my ex's and say, hey, let's just screw around and do stuff, but not get into a relationship.

It's pretty obvious that you're not going for that one, but he really has some gall to go that route. Anywho, I don't know what to say about #2 guy, er Mark. Keep seeing him, why should you stop doing something that makes you happy? You're both single, stop stressing. The roommates seem sketchy, but I don't know them. Maybe they are on your side, maybe they are honest, or whatever. But be careful with what you say or do in front of them, things eventually get back to the fraternity, and then Alex.

Will it create friction/issues? Yea, that's a possibility, but without knowing the personalities of these people first hand, can't really say if it will matter. Honestly, don't worry about those things now, it's good that you're looking this deeply and trying to do the best thing, but since Mark not interested in a relationship, these issues won't matter yet.

Have fun, take care!

alex is a jackass for even asking you to be a friend with benefits! if he wanted the benefits, then he shouldn't have broken up with you in the first place!

see where things go with mark. if he doesn't even go to your school, then honestly, it is not a big deal. and if alex get pissy bc you are hanging out with your friends who just happened to be his brothers, then he needs to grow up!!!!

Thanks everyone... James, I knew you were going to say something along those lines!

Yes, Alex is a jackass for wanting to be friends with benefits, and thank you for recognizing it! None of my friends would straight say it, they would just say "well, that's your decision..." or something like that. I needed to hear that he's a jackass firsthand.

As for Mark's roommates, I am sure they are being genuine. Three of them, although "related" to Alex in the fraternity, are not close to him at all. They hang out with different crowds and don't have the same values (i.e. Alex is known to smoke out a lot, these guys don't do that; Alex spends a lot of his time playing stupid video/computer games, and they don't do that; Alex doesn't really care about graduating EVER, and these guys are all on track to get out of school and get jobs, etc.- is it a wonder why I'm over him???). All they really have in common is that they are in the same fraternity, which typically says they have a lot in common, but they don't. These guys are all very respectable, treat women well, and I considered them friends before Alex and I were even close friends.

Thank you guys for your responses! Give me more if you can because I'm still a little stuck on the issue!

James, just wondering why are Alex's Brothers backstabbers?

Did I miss something here? :confused:


My take on the situation:
*Any guy who just wants to be "friends with benefits" isn't worth a second thought.

*I don't think it would hurt to get to know "Mark" better. If this guy Alex is pissed, he is stupid because in effect he created this situation in the first place. Didn't you say he broke up with you to "see other people"? Sooooo .. he can see other people and you can't? hehehe... I don't think so! It seems like he wants you for himself without actually having to "be with" you... ya know?

Ugh..

Don't do the friends with benefits thing, that's just a recipe for disaster with someone you used to be in love with.

You just spent the last few months getting over him, so you say... do you really think sleeping with him will help you in that?

Besides, now that you're kind of involved with "Mark," it's not even like you just need to get some.

If you go back to "Alex" it would be for emotional reasons, and that would mean you were letting him take advantage of you. He gets the booty, but he doesn't have to bother with dating you. Not very flattering for you. YOu have to believe that you deserve better.

She said those brothers took her side and said that he didn't treat her right and that she was better off without him. Not exactly brotherly.

Sorry.. I don't want to hijack the thread but I needed to respond to this...
 

I don't see what is so anti-brotherly about not agreeing with the way a guy threats his girlfriend.

This really upsets me on a personal level, because at my other university, one of my best friends was BEAT by her boyfriend who happened to be in a fraternity.. not once but TWICE. I don't know about anyone else here, but I would respect a man more if he had the balls to tell his brother what he did wasn't right instead of just pretending like nothing happened. Of course, the brothers did nothing. This guy that did this had alcohol problems and none of his brothers offered to help him in any way... nope they just helped feed his problem.

So whatever.. it's guys like that, that just p!ss me off. Sorry.. had to vent.

I know not all guys are like this. I know some guys who are real gentlemen whether they are greek or not. They know what's right & what's wrong, and aren't afraid to act on it.
If they don't have the guts to speak up when something wrong is happening, they don't deserve to call themselves men.

Re: Sorry.. I don't want to hijack the thread but I needed to respond to this...
 

Sorry that I hit a nerve, but would you be willing to meet me half way and agree that beating a girl might be different than say treating her "badly" which is amorphous and undefined?

I can honestly say that 90 percent of the boys I know treat their girlfriends badly by the standards of comparison that I would use. Poor relationship skills.

But there is an unwritten guy code that we just don't sell eachother out that way. If she is/was willing to put up with what she thought was bad behavior, thats kind of on her.

Also, we are taught in Fraternities that brothers ALWAYS come before girlfriends. Brotherhood is forever, the average GF is transitory.

Beating a girl is awful and criminal. A good friend and brother would encourage a guy to get help to stop this behavior before he goes to jail or beats a girl whose father or brother has a rifle and 50 acres of private land where he can dump the creep's body.

gphiangel624 I agree with Hootie, James, and everyone else. Stay away from your ex and make room in your life for something and someone better. :)

Is beating a girl worse than beating a guy? Or a girl beating a guy? Double standard?

Re: Re: Sorry.. I don't want to hijack the thread but I needed to respond to this...
 

Yes it is a different situation but think of it this way.. Brother1 does something bad.. Brother2 doesn't try to help his brother or do anything about it.

Is Brother2 really a good brother if he can't tell Brother1 what he did/is doing was wrong or try to help him?

I will never understand this whole priorities thing that some fraternities (or some sororities) teach their members. Why do you have to put a priority number on important people or things in your life?

Anyway.. that is all I am going to post about this.. I don't want to hijack the thread.

Edited to add: No James, a girl beating a guy is not ok either. If for some reason a sister, close friend or whoever I knew was beating a guy, I wouldn't just pretend it wasn't happening.. I would try to find her some help. But I guess that's just me.

Abuse is abuse is abuse. There really aren't degrees in my mind. I've heard of women abusing men and men abusing women. There are also violent gay relationships. They are all bad.

I think that an average sized men can more seriously injure an averaged sized woman when there are no weapons involved.

(James says in a drawling voice) I'd be kind of turned on if my girlfriend got rough and tried to beat me up :D.

Hey, but thats just me. ;)

James, do you have a girlfriend? If not, I am willing to kick your ass. lol! :p

-Cream
--turning James on ;)

In defense of the guys, I don't feel they are being anti-brotherly or putting me before their bro. Yes, it's nice that they can tell me to my face that they believe I'm better off without him, but I doubt they would say that to his face because their his bros, and that's fine with me. I just feel that they are standing up for what they believe, and if they believe I'm better off with a guy like Mark, then that's fine by me.

For an update, Alex called me tonight, asking me to come over because his roommates weren't home and he wanted a booty call. I told him that I've been hesitant and that I'd rather just talk to him, as a friend, but couldn't talk on the phone because my entire family was all over my house.

So instead, I went over to his place. I basically got right to the point: that I had two reasons to be extremely hesitant with the friends with benefits thing. I told him that 1) i felt that he was disrespecting me as a friend by asking me to do this, that I would be disrespecting him as a friend if I did, and that we would be jeopardizing what is left of our friendship. Reason 2) I told Alex "what if" either of us starting seeing other people, that I would not want either of us to feel as if we were doing something completely wrong. He told me he understood, that he just wanted to have the physical part of our relationship to continue, and I told him that it wasn't fair to either of us, esp. me. He asked if I was dating someone else, I told him no, but that I met someone interesting, and kind of wanted to pursue it. He pushed me and pushed me until I told him it was Mark, and he knows Mark, and he actually said he thinks Mark is a good guy.

So we continued talking about a few things. Alex is into another girl as well, but hasn't really pursued it yet (they're going to each other's formals next month), and I told him to go for it. He pissed me off because during a lull in our conversation, he bluntly asked me if I wanted to have sex. I told him I was still extremely hesitant, and sat there to talk about it. I could tell he was kind of upset, but he claimed he wasn't. I went upstairs to get my things, and he asked me again, so I looked him in the face and told him NO....

You guys have no idea how proud I am of myself right now. Alex asked if I meant no, not tonight, or no, not ever again. I said not ever again, that I just want to be friends and it's not worth disrespecting myself to just have a physical relationship with him. I could tell he was a little bothered, but I left anyways.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you guys for your support! I feel like there's complete closure to our relationship now and I feel so much better...

Oh my goodness!! YOU GO GIRL!!!! That was so awesome! Not that you "shot him down" but that you approached him in an honest and straightforward way. You took actions which matched your values! Way to go! I don't even know you and I'm proud of you! :)

.....Kelly :)

GOOD GIRL! You rock! Now if only five million other girls would follow your example. (Yes,I know 5 mil is an exaggeration...)

Crystal

It wouldn't surprise me if 5 million wasn't an exaggeration, especially if you replaced girls with people!

gphiangel624, Congratulations on standing your ground and not changing your mind. It sounds like it was a tough conversation for you to have and you handled it honestly and with conviction. Good for you!

Christin

That's incredible! I'm so proud of you!!!

Don't you feel better now?

I might be a little late with this, but now that you've gotten the "Alex" thing taken care of you can focus on "Mark".

This is my advice about Mark: Mark knows he might be transferring and becoming a brother. He also knows where he stands with Alex and his roommates. If I were you, I would think about leaving the decsion of whether to pursue or not mostly in his hands...of course you get some say, but if he feels it will work out fine, trust him. If he wants to give it some more time, if he's worth it, give him the time. I know these things can be hard to talk about, but if you can't talk about them then how can you have a relationship?

And congrats with Alex....alot of girls would have caved...good show:D

http://216.40.249.192/s/otn/realhappy/luxhello.gif YAY! Way to go gphiangel624 !!!! That is so incredibly awesome!

Uhhh. Not only are his brothers backstabbers but they are two faced.

A word about Alex also. You did a good thing facing down your temptation, and he really has no right to accept unless . . .

Unless you maintained sometype of physical intimacy (sex or hook-ups) with him AFTER the formal breaking up.

IF you did, then you were still brave, but he has a valid reason to be hurt and confused. Why? Because it wouldbe like a second break-up.

The first break-up was from going steady. The second break-up was from "dating", which is what friends with benefits really are.

Yes, Alex and I did hookup once after we broke up, which is why I'm sure he thought that asking me to continue was ok. But after thinking about it, and regretting it, that's when I came to the conclusion that it wasn't right. I don't think he has a right to be hurt, but maybe confused. He hurt me when he broke up with me (remember, James, I told you that I never even got a good reason). He's probably confused because he wants to be with me just for the benefits, but I don't think he has a right to be hurt, considering he hurt me initially and just wanted me around for sex.

I saw Alex today on campus and waved hi to him. He looked me directly in the face (i was seriously 5 feet away), but didn't say hi back. It was kind of rude, but whatever.

And yes, twinstars, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!!!

yippee!!! i am so excited for you! i know that it must have been tough for you to do it, but i am sure you feel a lot better now! taking charge of your life is a wonderful thing! who cares if alex was sad and confused??? he thought that you were not good enough to date, but good enough to sleep with. bleck. stupid boy. take care of yourself and don't worry about him!

keep hanging out with mark and keep us posted how that goes!

And once again I say, you rock!:cool:

Crystal

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!
 

For those of you who were so supportive of my drama... THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, an update...

Alex and I are "friends," if you can call it that. We rarely talk and when we do, it's online and he's basically grilling me about the guys I talk to, etc. I think it's really funny when he says it's weird to think that I might be with someone else, and he got a little pissed when I told him that it was his fault that it's weird and that he put me in the position to do whatever I want. He tells me a bunch of BS, like the girl he's with is "just a friend with benefits" but then he tells my sister (and one of my best friends) that this new girl is his girlfriend. It cracks me up. He's a moron, but whatevs.

As for Mark... he hooked up with yet another one of my sisters and thought I didn't know. She thought I hated her when she found out I kinda liked him (I'm not- she didn't know about me and him), and she and I have been so close lately that Mark is a little freaked out. I confronted him on it and he tried to play it off that he "doesn't usually do stuff like hook up" and he's "only kissed 5 girls, ever." So I called him on it- "mark, you're telling me that of the 5 girls you've kissed, 3 of us were in the same room in one night, and a fourth was down the street?" That was fun. In a nutshell, Mark and I are cool now. We're friends, not interested in each other, but we have fun when we go out with all his roommates and my friends. He's someone I can talk to now, without having weirdness.

I'm all excited now bc. I ran into an old friend that I've always wanted to get involved with (he always felt the same), and he's now my date to my last formal! I'm so stoked bc. Alex and my other ex that I was with during college were NEVER excited about my formals and it always brought me down- but this guy, Rick, is so totally excited and that makes me thrilled!

Thanks again to all of you for your help and for allowing me to vent, bitch, cry, and complain!

Yay for Rick! I'm glad you've found someone fun amidst all the drama! :)

So my formal was last night, and although there was some drama (not between me and Rick, luckily) and some drunk people, we had an AMAZING time. He was so great all night, and my friends who are extremely critical of the guys I date all really like him... as do I! I'm so thrilled right now bc. my last formal was awesome, mainly because of my date, and he's someone who's really worth my time... finally... I just have this huge grin on my face today...



:D

http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmili.../heartline.gif

I am so glad you had a great time at formal! I hope things work out for you and Rick and you guys get all http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/smlove2.gif. You are my sister and you deserve the best, not a schmuck! :)

Personally I feel as though you should continue to see Mark and let Alex go. If all Alex wants is sex now let him get it from somewhere else. Your dating Mark has nothing to do with Alex so you have nothing to feel bad about; however, do becareful what you do in front of the roommates, it will get back to Alex.

YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you want to see the formal pics that are online, PM me!

In TTKE, Carol

Argh...
 

I'm so freaking confused now. Rick and I went to Downtown Disney on Friday and had a great time (I love being a big dork with this guy). We met up with some of his friends that I know, went to El Torito after for some margaritas, then to kick back at his friend's house in Brea. So we're there, he's drinking (lucky me, get to drive them all home), and we're talking in the kitchen between games of pool. He tells me he's so glad to have me as a "friend." Well, that caught me off guard. I didn't know what to think about it. We talk a little more later (because I didn't want to talk when he was drinking), and he tells me, amidst the conversation, that he wants to "give me the world" but doesn't think he can (I told him he's done a good job so far and he can continue trying), that he "wants to make me happy" (again, i said he IS and to continue to do so), and that was pretty much it for that conversation.

So my confused self left him a message to let him know I'm confused, and he calls me last night when I was in San Diego. He tells me he's jealous that I'm out there with people I don't know (not like I would have done anything, I'm so infatuated with Rick). We talk, basically he says he doesn't want a relationship right now because he's only been single for a few months and he's so used to being involved with people, but that if he wanted a girlfriend, I'd be the only one he'd consider.

I'm lost now and really frustrated. He tells me that I'm the only one he's seeing, that he really, really likes me, but that he doesn't want to have a girlfriend right now bc. he's trying to stick with being single for a little while longer. I dont know if i want a relationship, but I dont want to be with anyone but him.

What the hell should I do? Does it sound like he's being sincere? I'm so lost right now and frustrated as all hell. :mad:

You ladies are so clue. . . I see why you get hurt a lot lol ;)

You're mean James. But i love you just the same.