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what's the funniest thing you've ever heard a drunk person say?
We've all heard some pretty random things come out of drunk people's mouth. Some of them have been competely bizzare, and some have been absolutely hysterical. i don't know if there is already a thread about this, but what is thw funniest thing that you're ever heard a drunk person say??
my friend announced once that he "Smelled like a sexy orchard"! |
On Halloween, one of my bros and I were walking back from Dominos Pizza when we saw a cute Filipino girl dressed as an Angel coming the opposite way. My bro, being REALLY drunk said:
"I must be in Heaven cuz I see an Angel!" And he said it in the normal whiny drunk voice. As lame a pick up line as it already is, it's even funnier when she actually is dressed as an angel. My response: "Dude, that was the lamest thing I've ever heard another human being say." |
While watching Bravehart after a long night....
"I took Barbarian in high school. They taught three languages: Spanish, French, and Barbarian." (yeah, Bravehart=Barbarian? We didn't get it either....) |
I was at a bar one night, attempting to coexist with this girl I HATE. I was avoiding her pretty well until she walked past me, and tripped really bad. She says to me as an attempt at an insult, I guess...
"Skip you, drunk biatch." I just craked up laughing, as did all the people around us. LOL! |
This was my funny drunk saying :)
My sisters and I was hanging out and drinkin at our brother fraternity on a Saturday night. Sometime I get lovable. So I was saying to my sister, I love ya. She said what r we gonna do with u Ally? I said you can love me or flush me down the toilet complete with hand actions................ |
I was intoxicated once at a party where we were discussing alternative names for certain parts (uhem). Anyways (now I feel stupid LOL), for some reason I just started saying stuff like:
"Twatever" "Twatdo I owe this pleasure?" (To what do I owe this pleasure?) All my friends were laughing histerically because if you know me, you'd know I don't every say stuff like that. As a matter of fact I generally blush when the topic of sex comes up. Needless to say, it made for an entertaining evening. |
Drunk guy to another drunk guy about me, "Check her out. Her hair and her eyes are the same exact color!"
Second drunk guy replies, "Her hair and her eyes and her freckles are the same exact color!" :p |
I once overheard one of my sisters at a FIJI party saying that if she had a d*ck she'd want to be a FIJI. I spit my drink out when I heard her say that b/c it came out of absolutely nowhere! I guess that's what I get for eavesdropping huh? ;) :D
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The night before we were leaving to go on Spring Break a few of my friends stayed the night at our townhouse. My sorority sister/roommate (Susan), who decided not to go to Cancun, decided she was going to go out to a bar and get completely shitfaced with another one of our sorority sisters.
We had to leave for the airport around 4am. Around 3am she comes rolling in and she wasn't very quiet. My friend (Jen) and her boyfriend (Dan) were sleeping on a couch in my living room and one of my sorority sisters (Kim) was sleeping on another couch. I don't remember what was said to initiate her response but my drunk roommate said, "you gotta be fucking Jen!" Kim says, "I hope not because I'm on the other couch." That was two years ago and we still tease her about it almost everytime we see her. :) I'll have to remember to bring that up this weekend :) |
I just thought of another one. Same drunk girl from the last story. She was hugging a boyfriend of one of our sorority sisters and he picked her up off the ground. She yells, "look guys, I'm pickupable!" It was funny to us, I guess you had to be there. :)
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One time, a drunk friend of mine was at Wawa, and she told the guy making her hoagie, "Wow, you're really good at that. Did you go to sandwich school or something?" It was rather amusing.
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My friend and I were at Browns stadium for the Browns/Steelers game, which, for those of you don't know, is more of a drunkfest than usual due to the rivalry. You seriously have to go to understand how INSANE it is. To make matters more interesting, our seats were in the Dawg Pound, which is the craziest place to be in the stadium.
So there we are, two sweet, quiet girls from Cleveland in the Dawg Pound by ourselves with a bunch of rowdy, drunk men. It was actually pretty nice - all the guys around us watched out for us and escorted us everywhere (who said chivalry was dead?) even though we were fine on our own. So the game progresses, the Browns start sucking hardcore like they normally manage to do, and my friend and I get drunker. My friend, for the record, is this little 5'3" redhead who looks like she's sweet and innocent and about 12 years old. Anyhow, at a key point in the game, my drunk friend decides to SCREAM: "IF I HAD A DICK, I WOULDN'T EVEN LET PITTSBURGH SUCK IT!!!" The drunk guys all shut up and looked at her with their mouths hanging open. They were shocked, and I was, of course, laughing my ass off. :D When you can shock Browns fans at the Steelers game, you know you're having a good time. Another drunk Browns fan told me, "No offense, but with your eyes...you look like Boy George. NO! I meant you're hot! Ok, so he's a guy, but DAMN!" :confused: |
OK, since Hootie told a story on herself so will I.
Apparently after a night of debauch, I was laying on the couch half asleep and said to the girls who were checking on my state, "Where's the paper towel? I have to pee." I have NO IDEA what this was about. |
Not entirely on topic but related
OK, here's one that's close--not what was said while drunk, but how a lady handled a drunk.
Back in my BU days, I had an acquaintance who was a TKE Sweetheart. Coincidentally, she had part of her leg removed as a child due to cancer and wore a prosthetic. This was a very high-end piece of work: she had interchangeable feet that she wore with different kinds of shoes. (One for pumps, one for sneakers, etc). Unless she showed you the leg attachment, or you bumped into it, you'd never know this leg was fake. She was at a party one night and a drunk dunce from a rival fraternity was hitting on her. He wasn't puking and passing out, but he was enebriated beyond reason as he didn't notice the big white "TKE" on her shirt, nor did he understand the concept of "NO!" Now, since verbal refusals were not being understood, she took a more direct approach. She handed her drink to her friend, reached down, unscrewed the prosthetic foot from her leg, and smacked the offender across the face with it. (The most beautiful arching backhand I have ever seen.) Then calmly screws it back on, retrieves her drink, and strolls away. Needless to say, this lady never had an issue with drunks or with unwelcome advances again. Sorry for the slight tangent, but I thought you'd enjoy it. Adrienne :) |
One time me and a few of my friends were drunk at like 3 in the morning. I got hungry (as I usually do when drunk) and wanted to get some food. The only places open were Subway, Guthries (people in FL know...), and the convience stores. So we drove to Guthries which has a small grassy hill in the back by the drive thru. There was this chick sitting on the grass wearing a tiara (don't ask, cause I don't know, lol). One of the guys in the car with me leaned out and said "Hey pretty princess, why are you perched on the hill? You think you're too good for everyone else??"
lol...hilarious at the time, but after re-reading it is just WAY random, lol. Another late night drunk moment, me and some friends were walking to get some food when we encountered a homeless man named J.J. He was clearly on something, but told us that he would read us a poem if we bought him some food. So I told him, go ahead. So he reads us some poem about crack addiction. Yeah, lol. So I snap like I am at a coffee house or something, lol, and told him it was great poem...from here on out, I called him Poetic Justice. So we tried to go into this fast food place, but it was late and only the drive thru was open. I wanted my friends to join me and run through the drive through in the formation of wheels on a car, hoping to trigger it, but they refused, lol. So instead, we went to a convience store and I told J.J. aka Poetic Justice that he could have whatever he wanted. He got some Newports, some milk, and thanked me. lol. So, yeah, getting drunk with me means that you will have the oddest, most random night ever, lol. Some of y'alls quotes are TOO funny!!!! I like this thread. |
I didn't embarrass myself too much Tuesday night. Did I?
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"I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Uttered by my roommate one night when she was drunk. She had drank WAY too much and she just couldn't get herself to throw up. She needed it out of her system because she had probably taken over 13 shots that night (she's only 95 pounds....for all those wondering, she is not in a sorority). So, her boyfriend filled a cup with some Parrot Bay and handed it to my roomie. He whispered to me, "This will get her to throw up" and then said to her, "Here's some water! Drink up!" She gulped some of the "water" and then just slumped back while muttering, "I hate you!!!! I hate you!!!!" 30 seconds later, she threw up. |
nothing like an audience and pissing....
One day last year I was out with a bunch of friends and I got really drunk and decided I needed to get sick. I was in a bathroom stall getting sick when my guy friend came in to check up on me. Well I had the stall door shut and he would open to see how I was doing and I told him "I don't need an audience" (in a drunk funny voice) and then I shut the stall door on him. Another one of my comments on a different outing was "I wish I could piss across the room too!" I think the guys I was with were talking about using urinals (I hope). :D
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-A buddy of mine hooked up w/ a girl in the Engineering department, who sort of acted like she'd never seen a guy before. Anyway, they're going at it, and she starts trying to act all porn-star and whispers in his ear, "You have a really big (package)." He turns to her and says, "You don't hook up very much, do you?"
Classic. -ksigkid was in Boston for the 4th of July 2 years ago, a bunch of brothers head on back to the house to BBQ and get housed. As such, this is exactly what happens - Collin is sitting on the couch, turns to his left, and starts asking questions of the 'person' next to him - "Hey, Aabcey - how long you been here, man?" It wasn't Aabcey - it was a large fan. "Collin, you're talking to the Vornado! Aabcey's in the bathroom." -We're wandering back one night, and in front of your friendly Campus Convenience outlet a rather large, rather scantily-clad girl is standing on a folding chair, drunk off her ass and yelling at people. I have letters on, so she starts yelling shit at us - "Frat assholes, date-rapists, blah blah blah" . . . not an extremely pleasant scene, getting berated by a girl who's spilling out of her tube top (seriously bad). So my buddy Chris (who is housed) laughs, walks up to her and calmly points to CamCo, and politely states, "Hey, I think there's dessert in there!" Needless to say, while hysterical, I expected the folding chair in the face, WWF style. I'll post more later, I don't want to be the only one looking like a drunken ass. //misspellings = edit |
ok, one night in the midst of a game of asshole, one of the guys looked at the asshole and said, "drink for drinking drunk" when he ment to say, "drink for being stupid."
this one takes a bit of background info....the summer btwn my first and second year of college, a fraternity on campus was kicked off for selling drugs, the house was condemned and turned into a sand volleyball court. flash forward to my 21st birthday the summer before my senior year......i was the president of my chapter and i was living in the area for the summer. i got extremely drunk. when some friends were driving me home, we had to drive past campus and the former fraternity house/ sand volleyball court. i burst in to tears and said, "i can't believe i got drunk. we are going to get kicked off campus and our house is going to be a volleyball court." my friends started laughing and said, "unless you start selling cocaine, you are not going to get your sorority kicked off campus!" i am sure if i think hard enough, i will remember more. |
Some friends of mine and I (all women) went out to a club one evening - we thought it was 19+ night, but it was actually 21+ night, and one of us was underage, so we all got turned back (well, only she did, but we weren't about to abandon her). This random drunk saw the whole thing and said "Yeah, that club'sh 21-plush tonight. But you can come 'ome with me." Yeah, right. :rolleyes:
Then there was the drunk guy who approached one of my sisters (about 4 of us were out together walking around town) and started singing to her, at the top of his lungs, really bad poetry about how beautiful she was and how much he liked her little backpack (it was a few years ago when those mini-backpacks were popular as handbags). She literally ran across the street, oncoming cars notwithstanding! |
From my pledge semester:
"Make me pretty!!!!!" and "It's eating me!!!" (the same girl had gotten her foot stuck underneath a couch after too many shots of 151...) It was a night to remember, for sure. :D |
I have nothing to post here, since I don't drink, but....
If I DID drink, :rolleyes: I would have to be embarassed the most about a time that happened last year in Cancun. I was walking home with my friends at like 5 AM and I saw this brown palm tree leaf on the side walk.
I swear to god it looked like a trout or something, so I yell out, "Hey!!! You should come out with us tomorrow night!" My friends are like, wtf are you talking about??? I go, 'everyone loves a red herring at a party. It can drink like a fish." HORRIBLE. They were so confused/embarassed/whatever that I walked the rest of the way home. |
These are funny drunk stories. :)
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An intoxicated boy, also a friend, explaining his pool abilities when he was younger:
"If I could get my 7 year old self to play myself today, I would kick my own A$$." Later, explaining his family: "Well I have two brothers and a sister, so there's five of us." |
tonight for a good 10 minutes over IM a very drunk fraternity president swore I was someone else. She and I have similar screen names and it just lead for a bit of embarassment on his part...
"Karen XYXYXY that's so you're name" "uhhh try again" "oh my god. who the hell is this. what do you mean this isn't her screen name" quite amusing.... |
tonight one of the phi kap brothers came up to me while extremely drunk and stone and said "hey mandy.. i'm stoned LIK A KITE!" i laughed so hard... then a few minutes later he came back and said "mandy, mandy, tell them i'm really stone, like a space shuttle" at which point i removed the handle of captain's from his hand and sent him on his merry way to bed...
another good drunk quote was last year when my sorority was walking over to a fraternity house wearing only trash bags.. as we walked over the police pulled up. my big, being the fun drunk she is, said "there is nothing going on hear, officer, proooceed proooooooceed" and he actually left. hahahaha... and don't you love how every drunk person who pukes ALWAYS says "i'm never drinking again" rriiiiiiiiiiight...... :D |
Remember Blatz Beer?
I was NOT drunk at the time, but worked my way through part of college as a live booth announcer at a TV station in Columbus on weekends. (they don't have them any more -- we did live commercials, promos, station ID voice overs live in the past -- now, it's all on tape) Well, OK, I had a beer or two with dinner down at Ohio State, but not enough to be impaired... I was reading a sponsorship announcement before the 11 PM Sports which was supposed to say, "TV4 11:00 O'clock sports, in color, is brought to you by the brewers of Draught brewed Blatz, now here a popular prices..." What came out was, "TV4 11:00 O'clock sports, in color, is brought to you by the brewers of Draught Blewed Bratz, now here at popular prices... The on-camera sportscaster completely lost it. (Hilarious thing heard from a drunk at Court and Union Street in Athens: "Let's go to Oxford for a good time") Just kidding, I love my Miami friends. |
This is a quote from the soberest brother at one of our grill parties who was elected to go talk to the police officers that were staked out across the street from our house.
“Hi officers we got some beer and burgers in the backyard; would y’all like me to send the pledges over with anything?” – Ted “T-Bone” Borel They didn’t want anything but they also didn’t bust the party. |
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Too many good quotes........to name at once, but here are the top few
From my friend Hadji "Andria, tonight is a very drunk weekend" My best friend and I after the Kings/Lakers series this past may "We want a hotdog" (which in a sportsbar full of drunken Lakers fans was taken entirely out of context ) From me "I am not stumbling drunk" which was ironic because 30 seconds later I fell down a flight of stairs and had to have 18 stitches on my arm |
My brother's 21st my boyfriend of the time had to drag him into my house with my older brother and his friend helping. They put him in my bed and he threw up everywhere.... so we are in the next room cause it reeked and all you hear is
"HELP ME......... HELP ME............." and then ten seconds later "F&$K YOU" we all died laughing... the next day he said he remember his thoughts. He was thinking "oh god, I am dying help me... wait a minute you are the ones that did this to me so F*&K you!" HAHA!!!!! |
This isn't nearly as funny as some of the others, but it's all I can think of right now...
When I was in college, I got REALLY drunk one night playing that stupid game where you drink one shot of beer every minute. I started the game realizing that I probably wouldn't be able to keep up with everyone, but later on in the evening I was drunk and I was obsessed with kicking everyone's butt. So I ended up coming in second, having something like 130 shots of beer in 130 minutes. Everyone who reached 121 got sick. I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember if I was throwing up or what exactly what was happening, but I know I felt AWFUL. My boyfriend at the time came in and I yelled: IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO KILL ME, GET AWAY FROM ME!!! |
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Anyhoo-last night the Mr and I are playing drunk Trivial pursuit, and he asks me some question about Which alpine country did women get the right to vote in 1977? My answer: Appalachia!! He looks at me, and repeats the question, emphasizing the words ALPINE COUNTRY. I say, "Wait a minute-is this in another country-like Europe or something?". His look of horror deepens, so I start yelling off names of countries I think have pine trees in them-Croatia, Serbia...you get the idea-I'm thinking pine trees, not Alps. So finally he reads the question a 3rd time and I'm like" Oh I know!! Switzerland! Sweden! France! Am I right??". He puts the card down, looks at me, and says "Woman-you need to see a map.". :D |
Last night, two of my friends were riding each other's cases and one said "Just because you live with your mom, you think you're soooo cool."
And then, I walked past two other guys, and I swear I heard, "You give a girl a banana nut muffin and she's yours for the taking." |
drunk talk
Me: "I are too drunk drive!"
Best Friend: "Me am too." |
One of my brothers, Jason Moran, graced the world with these words:
"I broke a Pike at the window house" after a particularly wild and crazy initiation party one semester. This won our "quote of the year" that year. As a gift, we got him a miniature window as a reminder. |
One night at a bar this guy (who was TERRIBLY shitfaced) was walking around talking to people and of course guess who he ended up talking to the most? Yeah you guessed it. So anyways my friend Adam sorta turned so that he didn't have to actually look at the guy, leaving me to be the polite one. He was discussing the next week's football game (we had just lost one) and dude said "Thas alrigh, we win nex' week. Ya know if I played fo da crimson ti' this is what I do. I'd put on da shoulder pads, walk up to Ole Miss and BITE THEIR BALLS OFF!!!" And he was NOT quiet. And he kept repeating "Bite their balls off" over and over again, complete w/ a drunken dramatization. Adam fell off his stool laughing so hard and I tried so hard to keep a straight face. Later on (yeah it gets better) the guy is talking to someone else and said "Las' Sunnay at da Boof (the Booth) I took a shit in that corner." And he pointed to the corner...and apparently he really had. So now I don't go there anymore...
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This was overheard at my Lil B's house and it's just hilarious because of the guy who said it (he's a huge player)
"Everyone needs some ass, and I'm a nice piece of ass." |
My fave:
"There's a competition going on for who gets to come home with me tonight, and you've just moved into first place." Add that also to the cheesey pickup lines list. |
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