COB discouragement
 

Hi ! I’m Keri and i’ve been feeling so discouraged. i went through formal fall recruitment in september and dropped the morning of preference. although i had one chapter i was really interested in i knew there was multiple i could see myself in, however the morning i got my schedule i’ve been released/dropped from every single sorority i liked. i decided to try fall cob and had two sororities reach out to me however after a week i have not heard back and my friends already got invited back to their events. i just feel discouraged and that i’ll never find a house that i’ll truly be happy in and enjoy. i’m reluctant to try winter or spring cob as i always get disappointed. it’s more frustrating when you’re always having good conversations and know multiple girls in a chapter and still don’t hear back. i just wanted some advice from the greek community about their cob experience or rush in general.

Keri, I edited your identical post in the Introduction forum so you don't have people replying to multiple identical posts. Now it says "Hi, I'm Keri".

How many groups does your campus have and how many are doing COB? It might be that the groups only have a couple spots open. Your best bet would have probably been to go to the preference party for the sorority that invited you.

What year are you? The reason I ask is you stated that you are reluctant to try winter or spring COB because "you are always disappointed".

Assuming that was not a typo and you are an upperclassman, at many colleges the farther along you are in school, the more difficult it becomes to get a bid to a sorority-especially the most sought after chapters.

You post led me to believe that you DID have some invitations to pref. Is that true?

This.

And THIS.

Difficult to offer any advice/suggestions. Seems from what you've posted that you are not getting what you want, and there's not much to say about that.

I am a freshman! Sorry should've mentioned that. What I meant by constantly being disappointed is I just keeping getting my hopes up. Chapters invited me to coffee dates, which I went to but I still haven't heard back from the chapters. I don't know anyone else's COB experience and was wondering if this is typical.

Keri, the chapters you visited might have only had one or two vacant spots. Most of the time the chapters don’t notify you that they decided not to offer you a bid. If it has been several weeks since your coffee dates and you have still heard nothing, they might have offered bids to other girls.

Down south where rush happens in August, new members are already getting initiated or are nearing initiation. If you are in the south this might be why you have not heard anything.

As you can see, these are just 2 of several reasons why you have not been contacted. I understand not wanting to put yourself in the position of disappointment. You need to decide if the risk outweighs the potential reward. Only you can make that decision. While you are contemplating your options, reflect on your rush experience. Is there anything that you could improve on or change for the next rush? Would recommendations help? Do you have similar taste in style to the girls in the sororities and in your PNM group? How will your college GPA be? Have you joined a campus org? Have you donated your talents to a local charity? Have you made friends with any sorority members? Have you readjusted your expectations? Are you limiting your sorority choices or are you now open to more chapters? Analyzing your answers to these questions might lead you to the answer you are seeking.

The house I specifically wanted had 10 spots now 8 spots open, I have multiple friends in the sorority and there’s about 3-5 chapters doing COB that I would love to join. I have a relatively high gpa as well as multiple recommendations and school activities and positions that I was involved in.

My only advice: don't give up. Participate in COB. See what happens. I understand the risk of disappointment, but there's a greater disappointment that comes with not trying at all. In the wise words of A Cinderella Story "don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." To remove all risk is to remove all excitement.

HAVE FAITH AND SWALLOW THE FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT.

Hey Keri, I am so sorry that you are hurting. Hindsight is 20/20, so please don't kick yourself for anything that may/may not have happened in the past.

All of the other posters are spot on. You don't know what is happening behind the scenes. Perhaps the girls really do love you--but there is just someone else that has more connections. Connections are key. Get to know more people. Go out on coffee dates. Create study groups. Don't give up on recruitment.

Sometimes, it is hard to know what to say and what not to say. The groups need to know that you are VERY interested, but you can't appear desperate. This is where it helps if you have an advocate. That can come in the form of several girls in the chapter who are super vocal and fight for you--campaign to all the girls they know on your behalf. It can also come in the form of an alum who directly contacts the chapter on your behalf. I am sure you had recs before recruitment. Here is a little secret for some groups. People can submit recs at any time and they go the rec chair at the house. If you personally know an alum for the groups you are interested in, have them send a note (or fill out an official rec) to the house. They can say things that you cannot--like that you really LOVE this chapter. This really only works with someone who knows you. So, if you are interested in trying COB--or even fall recruitment next year--start working your contacts. Find women you know and have them go ahead and prepare a rec. I can't guarantee this will help, but it can't hurt.

Best wishes for the future.

P.S. It is really poor form not to attend pref. Think about it from the perspective of the ladies of that house. They have shined everything. They have practiced and they probably did something very specific for you--wrote a note, created a gift, etc. You didn't have to accept their offer of sisterhood, but by not attending their pref. ceremony, you essentially spat in their face. Can you imagine the sister who was assigned to you, that did all of the work that morning and was waiting for you at the door to the house only to find herself alone at the party? She was putting her best foot forward and you blew her off. I know you were probably really disappointed on that day when you lost your favorites. You were hurt. However, our hearts also break for the girls to work so hard to create a beautiful pref experience and then have PNMs refuse to come to their home. That's why some here get a little harsh to those who don't attend pref. I wish you the very best for the future and hope that one day you can attend a pref party and see all the work that is done for each special PNM.

Beautifully said Theta1234.

If they have 8 remaining spots and you have multiple friends in the chapter and have not heard back from them in weeks, that ship might have sailed at this time. As Theta1234 said, none of us know what is going on behind the scenes. Your desired chapter might've decided to wait until next semester to fill those spots. Do they have a house? Maybe your friends can invite you over for lunch or dinner a few times this semester so you can meet more women and stay connected.

You are now in college. You will have to rely on your college GPA, activities/clubs, philanthropic efforts, etc, so if you haven't gotten involved on campus, now's the time. It might be benificial to join an organization with a high percentage of sorority women. Getting to know you in a more informal way and getting to see your talents and how well you work in a group may be just the insight they need to become your advocate.

Also agree with this. Hurt and rejection is found on both sides of recruitment. These girls saw something in you and by extending an invite to Pref, had you somewhere on their Bid List. If COB is still going on at your campus, I wish you the best, but for the future, and for girls reading this who are yet to embark on recruitment, you need to decide if you want to be Greek or if you only want to be in a certain house. ALL houses have the same functions, activities and the opportunity to experience sisterhood. ALL. So many girls sell themselves short by only wanting a particular house or group of houses and ultimately miss out on a Greek experience.

This is the bottom line. I know that most people rush assuming that the rules won't apply to them, but everybody really should enter the process assuming that their first formal rush is their best (and maybe only) shot at going Greek.



Sometimes I think some sort of campus-based rush boot camp afternoon would help more people show up prepared, whether it's recs, communication skills, managing expectations, or whatever.

Exactly. Or maybe it's not someone's only shot at being Greek, but all potential members should keep in mind that first impressions mean a lot.

I'm not saying that this is the reason the OP is struggling now, but... sorority women aren't only friends with sisters of their own org. They talk. And the OP being invited to Sorority ABC's preference party and not showing up might have negatively affected her chances at Sororities DEF and GHI because they're also in some way offended that the OP didn't give ABC a chance.

If you offend one sorority woman (or chapter), chances are you're offending dozens or perhaps hundreds of women.

Disappointment on both sides, right?

This happened to my daughter her first year as an active, when the PNM she had preffed and was assigned to greet on Bid Day didn't show up. She was so disappointed, as everyone else was hugging a new member and she was left standing and waiting and scanning for the one girl who had decided not to accept her bid.

Keri12, please realize that you're not starting with a clean slate during COB. Women were hurt, and as ASTAlumna said, they talk when they're hurt and disappointed.

I also wish you the best, and I sincerely hope you have another chance to join a sisterhood. Waiting until next year might work out better.

I didn’t originally want to drop from sorority recruitment I was planning to go to preference that day and drop after that, however my RC noticed my makeup was splotched and you could tell I’ve been crying. It was more sad that I wasn’t even able to hold a conversation with my RC without crying which was embarrassing enough and she told me it was in my best interest to drop rather than trying to be superficial to the other sororities. In no way am I trying to justify my reasoning for dropping I know girls who put a lot of work into recruitment, but I don’t think I would’ve been able to make it through preference even when having an open mind through the whole process. Thanks for all the future advices and tips however.

Keri,

On your behalf, I want to take your Rho Gam to the woodshed. You were given very BAD advice. Girls cry all the time on pref day. Emotions are ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE on that day. People are tired, stressed and emotional. Actives are used to splotchy faces and teary eyes. Often it is because they were moved by the ceremony, but even if it is something different, it allows the ladies of the house to talk "real" with you and help address any of your concerns. So much of recruitment is superficial. When you show emotion, it allows for real talk. Once again, I am sorry you were given the advice to withdraw. Truly, best wishes for the future.

Please don't mistake politeness and open-mindedness with superficiality. Perhaps you don't know the meaning of the word, and I'm hoping you don't, because if you do, and you felt that going to that sorority's pref party and smiling would equal you being superficial, then you really shouldn't be Greek.

And what Theta1234 said is correct. You crying is not abnormal. Did your Rho Gam even try to convince you to attend pref, or did she see you crying and recommend you don't go?

I seriously would report your rho chi. This is beyond bad advice.