I don't know how I feel about my sorority...
 

Hi guys,

So I rushed this spring semester and got a bid to a sorority I didn't really like. I couldn't go to that many events before initiation because I was busy with a lot of other extracurriculars. However, at the events I went to, I really didn't connect with the girls and the atmosphere didn't seem welcoming. Also, at my school, this sorority has a reputation for being "weird" and is made fun of (especially at the frats). I was still torn about whether to quit or not, but didn't have time to think about it (I went to 3 different out-of-state competitions for dance). I got initiated right before spring break, came home and finally and some down time to get some advice...now I find out I'm not allowed to join another NPC sorority, ever.

I'm so frustrated and I can't believe it took me this long to realize they don't have what I'm looking for in a sorority and that I should have just quit when I had the chance.

I love the idea of sorority but I just feel so frustrated. I'm generally a nice person, but whenever I tell someone I'm in my sorority, they get that "Oh...you're in *that" sorority" face. I'm really sick of that and I don't want people to judge me anymore. I asked a lot of people for help but none of them ever mentioned the lifetime commitment rule...

The biggest issue I have is that I wanted my sorority to be a group of girls that go out and really have fun. There's some sororities on campus who are planning trips with other frats, going out to clubs, going to Renaissance Fairs, even, but my sorority really isn't like that. There are a few outgoing people but a lot of the people are sort of introverted, stay-at-home, socially awkward-ish. (I got that vibe from them and some older members have mentioned it too). It's a lot of money to pay for people I don't even care that much for.

How do I deal with this? Should I stay in it or just quit? Is it better to be in greek life than not?

Thanks!

Not in a sorority, so I won't comment on much.

I will say that you can go to clubs, go on trips, and visit fairs with people who aren't in your sorority. You're not joined at the hip.

What I've gathered from your post:

You've spent little time with your sorority, but you've somehow determined that you don't like any of the sisters...

You feel like you're in the "bottom-tier" chapter, so you don't want to be in it anymore...

And you don't care for people that you haven't even taken the time to get to know.

This is up to you. It's definitely not our question to answer.. It's yours. Do you want to put in the effort to assist this chapter to become all that, and more? Or do you not want to be a part of Greek life at all?

I had a whole post written that I've just deleted. You know what? I read back over your post. Just drop. You don't deserve them. You are a pathetic 18 year (or whatever) girl who is shallow and doesn't have the first clue about sisterhood.

No you should elaborate, please

That's kinda harsh, she's young. @ OP, since you can't join another sorority you can either try to make the best of it or drop. Those are your two choices. Have you tried getting to know every single person in the sorority yet? Probably not, and chances are you might find some girls you click with. Plenty of people on these boards were hesitant about their sorority initially but ended up loving it, I'm convinced it can happen. As far as reputation goes, it may seem like the biggest deal in the world when you're in college but after you graduate it doesn't matter at all - the most important thing is being able to move to different cities and still making lifelong friends because you share the bond of your sorority with others. I just graduated last year and still feel this way. I vote you should wait it out and see what happens.

OK, you can't expect women to be friends, or friendly, with you when you are not physically there. These friendships, contrary to popular opinion, are not automatic. You have to WORK at them. But none of that matters if these girls are not good enough for you or the opinion of outsiders means more than the opinion of your friends. But then, they're not your friends, so the opinion of strangers might just as well be the only valid one.

Yes there are things you can do as a member to improve your campus reputation, and it only takes a few members who are more outgoing to draw some women out of their shells, but you have to be willing to not have your life, your friendships, your social status handed to you on a silver platter. If you were WILLING to say proudly that you are a member of your sorority, maybe that perception would begin to change. If you have to whisper it so nobody else hears, you are only making that reputation worse.

And ask yourself this. What of those great activities you're hearing other sororities are doing that you want have you tried to arrange within your own chapter and got shot down? What leadership roles or committees have you volunteered for to make your situation better? What WORK have you been willing to put in? Or was your job to be pretty?

If you're old enough to go away to college, live in a dorm, travel far away to competitions, you're old enough to read a membership contract before signing it, and you're old enough to accept responsibility for the commitments you've made.

Everything DubaiSis has said here is what I would like to say.

In addition, I'd like to remind you that sorority membership is for life. So your chapter doesn't have the best reputation on campus or is considered bottom-tier (tiers are stupid). If you take the time to develop relationships with your sisters as human beings (because most/all of them are probably pretty awesome, if you bother to find out), reputation shouldn't matter. If it still does, so what? You will spend only four years (less) with your chapter out of perhaps 45+ years of membership in your lifetime. Think of all the opportunities you will have to be an involved alumna!

But seriously, put some effort into getting to know your sisters. Yeah, the shininess of trips with fraternities etc. looks nice, but you may be missing out on what could be the best friendships of your life if you don't put in some effort.

Side note, it's early March. Spring semesters generally start in January, so at the most you have been a member of your chapter for 2.5 months, but probably more like two months. You have the rest of the semester: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

Ok, done ranting.

I get where you're coming from, but I didn't sign up to work super hard to improve our reputation and make us look good on campus. i signed up for a sorority because it seemed like fun; it seemed like somewhere I could meet a lot of people and have a good time. Of course I would love to help out with stuff...but not improving-reputation kind of stuff. I honestly wouldn't even know where to begin with that. I don't think I have the time, energy, brain-power, patience, and skill to pull off something like that...but is that such a crime? There wasn't a "membership contract" that said that.

And anytime I've tried to ask people to go out before, no one seems interested. I never said these girls were horrible people, just that I don't think I fit in with them.

And I don't know what you mean by valuing the opinions of outsiders more than the opinions of friends/ strangers.

If you could elaborate and reply that'd be great, thanks

Oy.

I "signed up" to be in a sorority so I can be pretty and people can revolve around me whose sole purpose is to make me happy. I stand by my original statement. Drop. They're too good for you. And if they are the ugliest, dorkiest heifers who ever wore sorority letters, they're STILL too good for you.

Like!

Ouch, woman.

You're the one who said I should help improve their reputation and I replied that I wasn't sure I had the skills/ability to do that...so really, calm down.

Long story short -- if the women are so deplorable that you would rather be independent than call them sisters, then drop. Otherwise, you need to stick it out and be a sister to your SISTERS, not to people walking around talking shit.

You need to drop. They don't need someone like you bringing them down.

Good luck with not working hard in your future ventures too.

Reading this I have weighed the pros and cons shared with you throughout this thread and want to encourage you to really give this organization and your fellow sisters a fair shot.

You did accept the bid and went through, I would imagine, a pledging/fraternity education process of some sort. You also made a commitment when you were initiated. Prior to going through initiation you could have de-pledged, but, you didn't. And, now here you find yourself.

During my undergraduate tenure many decades ago now I had the opportunity to learn Greek membership is kind of like marriage, that is if you are true to the ideals of the organization and, equally to your sisters--you take the "for better and for worse" . Give the organization and your sisters a fair shot. They apparently saw something in you.

I encourage the OP to stick it out for a couple of simple reasons:
1) You won't ever be able to join another sorority, so why not give this organization a chance. There's no harm in giving it a shot for a few more months, or at least the first year, because you won't be able to come back once you resign your membership.
2) There are so many benefits to membership after you graduate (that is, if you care to get involved)
3) You won't know what friendships you can make in this organization until you put yourself out there. You can't expect friendships or friends unless you put in some effort to be someone others want to be friends with. Kind of a Catch-22, right?
4 ) Organizations change over time - this group could be significantly different by the time you graduate.

Ok, all of that being said, it sounds like you're someone who went through recruitment on a whim because sorority life seemed fun. You're not going to get a whole lot of sympathy on GC for wanting to drop for the reasons you mentioned, because many of us were members of weaker chapters and worked hard at our friendships and bettering our organizations. Collectively, we've all seen hundreds, if not thousands, of women join chapters, have some misgivings for some reason, stick it out for a couple of months, and go on to LOVE LOVE LOVE their organizations. From experience, we know that the overwhelming majority of women in your situation will go on to have rich, rewarding experience IF they put in the time and effort. Like anything in life, what you get out of it will depend what you put in.

Sorority membership is full of obligations - attending weekly meetings, paying dues, attending philanthropy and service activities, and representing your organization in a classy manner around campus. It sounds like you went through recruitment without fully understanding these things, and I think you would have had misgivings even if you had joined a "top tier" organization, but it may have come later, after the shiny newness of the organization wore away and you were faced with un-fun mandatory stuff.

Take some serious time to consider your membership. Ignore what the reaction you get from others on campus. GET INVOLVED. You will not be friends with everyone in your chapter, but there are sisters you already have who could be your future best friends. I guarantee it. You just haven't met them yet.

I feel for your sisters.

These are women who chose to have you join them. They invited you to be part of their sisterhood - with all that entails.

I guarantee you your sisters don't feel their sorority is weird or awkward. They believe this is the place they belong. They invited you to join that home with them. Instead of being a sister, you're the long-lost cousin whose family moved to another area and prefers to regard the family as laughable.

Why should they keep you around?

Why did you accept a bid to a sorority you didn't like?
I find it interesting that you were too busy to go to any events prior to initiation.
Did you attempt to connect to any of the women? Were you approachable or did you stand in the corner with your hands stuffed deep into your pockets?
Had you not been aware of this group's reputation prior to accepting the bid?
During your initiation, you didn't notice anything in the language regarding a lifetime commitment? It's odd to me that you'd expect others to point out something like that.
Wow @ seeing your dues as paying for people.

To answer your final question - you should just quit. Seriously.

To sum up the replies....

If you are willing to try a little bit, both to improve reputation and your relationships with your sisters, stay for a bit to see if you can get things to work out.

Otherwise, just quit. You only get what you put into an org, and if you really aren't willing to do any work, then you're wasting their time being a member.

What's the phrase... ?

"If you're not a part of the solution, then you're a part of the problem."


Yeah.... part of me says stick it out since you cant ever be a member of another NPC or NPHC group. The other part of me says do your sisters a favor and get out.

Do y'all remember the days when anytime a NM/New Initiate came here and asked the "Should I stay or should I go?" question, and we'd almost always gush about how great Greek life is and they should stick it out because it's a lifetime of sisterhood and etc?

I'm glad those days are over.

OP - you're obviously not interested in putting in the work. Chances are that even if you got into the top group on campus, you'd still not feel connected and instead of being weird and unpopular you'd be complaining they were fake and mean.

To the OP:

I'm going to put this in Dance Company analogy for you.

You audition for a Dance Company (let say before your Freshman year in HS) & you join. You go to the first Competition & you find out your are not a Top Studio, that you are in "one of those filler" studios at the Competition. You hate the looks & are embarrassed to be with your Groups on Stage. Also, you really have no connection to any of your fellow company members (because you just show up for class & leave). You tell your mom you want to switch. She tells you NO, because she has already spent $3000 for all the costumes & made reservation for the whole family for Nationals.

Your mom tells you to work hard & see where it goes. So you show up early for every practice, interact with your group, & take all the extra workshops the studio offers. You also decide to start doing sleepovers & going out for breakfast with your group members. You find out you actually like a lot of them. Your hard work pays off and by the end of the session your Small Group gets Platinum at Nationals.

Some other dancers you know are looking for a studio -- well because now you LOVE your Small Group, you encourage them to audition for your Studio.

Time passes and now you are a Senior in HS & when you go to competitions, your Studio is the TOP Studio. It didn't happen overnight. You worked hard, kept asking other good dancers to join your Company, & kept a positive Attitude.

You were rewarded with High Praises & Top Awards. You grew as a Dancer, a Company Member, & as a Woman.

With all Organizations in Life, you can't just show up for the Fun Stuff. It takes work and commitment from everyone involved to succeed. Change is slow but possible.

I believe you learned a long time ago not to just give up. You need to use those lessons now. Best of luck to you.

This. This this this!

To all these replies the only thing I can say is
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y13...rtiepreach.gif

Y'all are telling it like it is!

And if you think we are http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y13...2e7ho1_400.gif

You are right


If you feel this badly about your sorority, don't be the one bad apple. You really should drop. Your attitude is not doing you or your sisters any favors

I was in a similar situation last fall when I accepted my bid. I would really encourage you to stick it out and go to all the events you can and to make every effort to get to know your sisters - this means more than inviting them to go out with you. It's eating lunch or dinner with them, grabbing coffee with them, or just spending time studying or hanging out around the house (if your campus has fraternity and sorority houses, that is). If you aren't willing to make this commitment (or are unable to because of other commitments), then drop. I do not know one single girl who accepted a bid with me at my house or any other who automatically clicked with everyone in their sorority. It takes time and effort, and honestly, if you only joined a sorority because you thought it would allow you to meet hot guys and go to the best parties, you didn't choose Greek life for the right reasons. At least on my campus, you can go to any parties you want to at the fraternities if you're a girl. You don't need letters to do that.

Being in a sorority is like starting a new school - you don't make friends instantly and you may not like everyone you meet. The point is that you have to try and find the girls like you. I promise that there's someone you'll get along with - you just need to try and be around more if you want to find them. Like I said before, though, if you just don't have enough time for it you should drop. There's no point in being in a sorority if you're not going to go to the functions or get to know your sisters.

Basically, I know how you feel right now. I'm in what most people would call a "lower tier" sorority on my campus (although I hate ranking), but I made an effort and I've really come to love it. Like everyone else has said, you can either make the effort or you can drop. I'm sorry that no one told you that you can't ever join another org, but it is what it is, so you should make the best of it if you really think Greek life's for you.

Thanks to everyone who responded! You were really helpful.

To everyone who said I was lazy and just wanted the world to revolve around me without putting any work in, I wish you would've read that I said "I'm not sure I have the time/skills/effort to do that. I wouldn't be sure where to begin."
It wasn't me saying I wasn't willing to put in the effort, it was me saying I was unsure I was fit for the job.

Please read posts fully before responding, this was all pretty hateful...

Hey just wanted to say thanks, this was so helpful! And I didn't join to meet guys and party, I really wanted to make good friends and meet new people.

I knew it wouldn't happen right off the bat but the atmosphere was almost unfriendly, which threw me off.

And yeah, I'll try to quit something or other so I can make more time to get to know people. Thanks!

What part of not having the time/effort is NOT lazy? If it was important to you, you would MAKE time. As for skills...that's a cop-out. Everyone has got something they could contribute skills-wise, unless you're a brainless blob. Addressing COB invites, hanging event flyers, and those sorts of things don't require any particular skills that a college student (or first grader) wouldn't have.

Honey, I hate to break this to you, but there are a lot of things that go along with joining a sorority that you won't find in any membership contract. You won't find advice about consoling a sister whose parent just died, you won't find tips on how to deal emotionally with low recruitment numbers, you won't find ways to deal with a sister who slept with your ex-boyfriend, and you won't find information about the possibility of your chapter closing.

Unexpected problems occur ALL THE TIME. Some of them are small, some of them are huge.. And many times, there are no set of instructions as to how to deal with each one of those issues. These are life experiences that you have to work through. Sorry.. But with sorority membership comes WORK - it's not all fun and games.

You don't have the skills or ability to fix things, but you haven't even tried. That's a good way to go through life......

Tell your future boss that when a problem arises at work
Tell your future husband that when times get rough
Tell your future kids that when they start crying

I'm sure they'll all understand.

Exactly.

Yeah I get you. I just don't know how I would help improve the reputation? How does one do that?

Maybe you should reread the posts that you posted.

"There are a few outgoing people but a lot of the people are sort of introverted, stay-at-home, socially awkward-ish. (I got that vibe from them and some older members have mentioned it too)." Folks, she's 18, and most of us didn't know any better at that age, unless one is from a GLO background. Unfortunately, OP is stuck with what she has - or nothing. She is unlikely to be able to change the personalities of the majority of the existing members into what she is looking for. Whether she is willing to spend the upcoming semesters trying to find (recruit) a pool of potenial new members that would pledge next semester is up to her. Ten new, outgoing ladies could make a huge difference! Best of luck to her, and please don't be too hard on her for her honesty.

• By presenting yourself well;
• By refusing to buy into the reputation;
• By showing pride in your organization;
• By helping recruit quality members;
• By getting to know your sisters as people, warts and all, and deciding that they matter to you, regardless of what other people think, and
• By not letting it slide when someone gives you the "Oh-you're-in-that-sorority" look. You don't have to be rude, but you can answer with pride "Yes, I am."

That would be a start. Reputations aren't built overnight and they're not broken down overnight, but doing things like this can go a long way in the erosion process.

The book "I Heart Recruitment" is a great resource:
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Recruitm...1574530&sr=8-1

As in life, getting defensive on GreekChat will get you nowhere. One of the greatest lessons I learned in college is that if you're not getting the response you desire to either your words or your actions, then you have to look at yourself for the answer - change your approach, change your actions, change your attitude, change your wording, be open to self-evaluation. This is such a good life lesson when you get passed up for a promotion, when you don't get accepted into a competitive program, or when you don't get elected to a position you want.

Anyway, you're young and you came on here for advice. You got hammered a little bit because much of what you've said comes straight out of the classic cop-out lexicon. I think if you read through some of the posts from women in your situation, you'll understand better why you got the responses you did.

I feel like I understand your point. I really, really do. I feel like, to a lot of people, the "image" of a sorority is fun. It's about fun, but the fun comes with a lot of hard work. Mixers, formals, date dashes, even initiations don't plan themselves. Someone's putting in the work.

But I understand your concern. What if I don't have enough time to be the one planning the events that make girls come and join? And this could be true. But that doesn't mean that you cannot and should not stick it out and continue supporting however you can. Not everyone has to be on eboard. Heck, there isn't enough room in most houses for everyone to be on eboard.

I think the question you have to ask is, "how can I contribute to this house, and what can I do to make myself a functioning member of this sorority and still be a well-rounded human being?" I can't think of a house on this planet that doesn't want to be "plugged in" to the other aspects of campus life, and academics are always the most important thing.

I do see your point, I'm not trying to snark at you. I just feel like you worded it terribly.

It sounds like you feel trapped by the "lifetime commitment" clause of NPC membership. Just remember, dropping is another decision that cannot be undone.

Her honesty? She's talking about a group of girls that she hasn't even taken the time to get to know. Even in her quote you mentioned here, she said she "gets that vibe" and she's heard such things from older members - but she hasn't taken the time to even determine if it's true.

And even if it is, people can change. She doesn't have to make them something they're not, but being introverted can be temporary if you (general you) have sisters around you who push (not force) you to do things outside your comfort zone. When you have a group behind you, you're more likely to do things you normally wouldn't.

Maybe some of these girls have never stepped foot inside a fraternity house, and they just need someone to go with them. Maybe they've never performed on stage, but they'd be willing to participate in a small part for Greek Sing with their sisters cheering them on. You'd be surprised how much people can change when they have a little support from those around them. I've seen it happen.. Both in my sorority, and ouside of it as well.

I know you didn't mean it this way, but your post reads as "introverted=bad, outgoing = good" as though introverts should go out of their way to change themselves. I agree, that many women benefit from new experiences while supported by their sisters, but maybe the OP should also try to enjoy some of the things her sisters like, too.

Oh, I completely agree.. But her complaint is that they're not doing things with fraternities, going to events, etc., and that they're all the stay-at-home, socially awkward type. And fascination implied that people can't change their personalities, which isn't true.

Only replying based on what's been said :)