Needing help fitting in despite rough circumstances.
 

Maybe you shouldn't make any big decisions until you get your emotional state figured out. You've had a big trauma. Trying to juggle all of this is obviously too much for you. Talk to your chapter president and advisor. There may be options to let you get things together without losing a valuable resource like Alpha Gam. Under no circumstances should you force yourself to do things that will make you uncomfortable or relive the event. Continue with your counseling. Ask your counselor for advice on how to proceed, as well. Thank goodness you had a friend that got you help when you needed it. Take care of yourself. I am sorry you have had to suffer through this and feel alone.

Don't feel pressured to bond with your pledge class now. It's not a "now or never" kind of thing. Focus on getting the help you need, and keeping supportive friends close. When you're ready, you'll find your niche in the chapter.

I don't know AGD specific membership policies, but my sorority allows members to take a one semester leave of absence during their time as a collegian (you'd be taking classes but not paying dues nor have the obligations that semester) , and a circumstance like yours would definitely be a valid reason for doing so. If you have to take a semester off school, you'll probably be granted alumna status (provided you're in good standing financially) and can be reinstated as a collegian upon return. Ask your chapter advisor about AGD's policies if you are considering either of those options.

Oh, and nice username:)

I agree with all of this...especially not making any big decisions until you are feeling better.

Have you considered going to the campus police? I know it would be hard, but the man who did this to you will do it again to someone else. I'd want to do everything possible to prevent that from happening.

i am so sorry that this has happened to you. please do take your time and do let the chapter advisor and the president know what has happened so that they can help you. hugs to you.

I haven't been through this myself, thankfully, but I'm wondering if telling the police and working through all of that might help you recover by way of giving yourself a little empowerment. Do talk to your therapist about this possibility. Rape is such a common thing in college that I think you'd find you have a lot more support than you thought. Of course, not to completely poop rainbows, you will also have people who blame you. But I think you will find the supporters outnumber the pigs.

I also don't know the life cycle of this type of grief. Maybe there is no normal period of recovery, but it sounds like you're talking 4 months or so. I think you might be expecting a lot out of yourself in a short period of time. Talk to your family if you haven't already. And as far as the sorority goes, use them to the extent you can. Try to open up a little to them so they can understand, support and help. And do try to be honest with the school about your situation. They are going to be a lot more supportive with a girl going through this than a freshman girl who's just a flake. Honesty is going to be the best policy here and a lot of schools have tremendous support systems in place. Finally, I know my sorority offers confidential counseling free to its members. I don't know how that could help in addition to what you already have, but it's something to be aware of.

Lunalovegood here are some {hugs} for you. I'm very sorry this happened to you.

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to go out and go to Fraternity parties or head to dinner at the Chapter house because of the anxiety your feeling being in large groups. Do you have a Big Sister in the house that you can hang with one on one on your terms? Maybe taking baby steps and doing some things one on one with members will help you start to feel more connected. Maybe to go to study some place quiet or have a coffee in an apartment. I also think that you need to have a conversation with the President and an Advisor. There may even be some resources available through AGD. You don't have to do this alone if you don't want to. Good luck to you. I will pray for you that each day you heal a little more and things get a little easier for you.

First off, I'm obsessed with your username. Luna has always been one of my favorite characters. Second to Bellatrix Lestrange, of course. :)

I think that, as others said, you'll find more support than you think. If this came up with one of my sisters (knock on wood), I can pretty much assure you that I'd do whatever she needed to help her recover-whether she needed rides across town to see specific doctors, time to sit and talk or a chance to get away from campus for a bit. She's my sister, after all, and I want nothing but the best for the entire chapter.

While there will always be girls who will seem indifferent (they're probably just unsure), there will also always be girls who want to give you a hug, make a giant mug of hot chocolate and watch Elf for the gazillionth time.

I'm not advising you to jump up at chapter and tell everyone about it; I AM, however, encouraging you to stop keeping it so under wraps, because you never know what you'll find.

And also, I doubt your pledge class views you as a nuisance. I bet they just don't feel that it's as easy to reach out to you. I know this probably isn't what you feel like doing, but try reaching out to a few of them in a smaller group and see if you can grab lunch with one or two girls. Branch out from there.

I just want to throw out one last thing: since you know who your rapist is, if you feel comfortable, I think you could derive a lot of benefit from following DubaiSis's advice and filing a police report.

I am always here to listen if you want to talk about anything. :) Sending ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and lots of love. <3

You need to report this to the police. The rapist is still on campus going about his life as if he has no consequences to consider. HE WILL DO THIS AGAIN and maybe something worse next time. There is no reason on earth you should have to be in his presence during a class where he can flaunt his power over you.

You need to talk to the chapter advisors. Your sisters can help you heal, but only if they understand that there are reasons for your destructive behaviors. They don't need the details, they don't need to know exactly what happened until you are confortable talking to 1 or 2 of them. As long as they know that there is something going on and you are not just some wild girl who left home so you can act out, they will be a strong support for you.

Many moons ago when I was a collegian, we had a pledged freak out uncontrollably during a Halloween event. Most of us were confused and frightened by what happened. Eventually, he boyfriend was able to let us know some things. This woman had been raped a year earlier but since she was a Christian Scientist, her mother would not allow her to get counseling. Our chapter President talked to Counseling Services privately to find out how we were able to help her through this. We were able to bond with her, assist in getting class notes, etc while she worked through her current distress. When the chapter president talked to the woman's mother and explained that we were not trained to help, but were doing all we could, Mom finally came to school and personally took her daughter for approved counseling. Once it was in the open and she got help, she herself became empowered to heal and live a "normal" life.

DaffyKD

Everyone telling the OP what she needs to do w/r/t the police, please STFU. This is an intensely personal decision, and it is hers to make, not yours. She is receiving professional counseling, and knows what her options are.

It's intensely personal, but she brought it to a message board and asked for suggestions.

Hopefully, she understands that members are doing just that. Of course, the final decision will be hers.

DBB, while I appreciate what you're saying, she came here looking for advice. If we were walking up to random woman on the street, yes, STFU would be appropriate. She is clearly trying to take baby steps toward reaching out, even if to complete strangers. Having a few people nudge her in the direction she undoubtedly already knows to be the right thing might be the little push she needs.

How do you know what she knows? No shit this is an intensely personal decision--that she is not the only person in the world to have experienced--and she created a thread about it.

As I always say, Greekchat is not a therapist session or support group for people with life trauma. It technically is not an advice site for college students and GLO aspirants. However, if people want to come here and share their life stories, they will get responses. They can take or leave those responses.

1. If I understand the way some types of counseling work, she may not know all her options.

2. If you ask for an opinion, you get one. Aside from one person, everyone simply advised that reporting him to the police might bring closure. If someone came to me about a rape situation, I'd advise that person to bring it to the police. Because, in many cases, that's a very good piece of advice. But it's not my decision; it's just my idea of advising someone.

Of course, judicial charges and police charges are two different things. There have been many reports lately of the poor job schools do of handling rape and sexual assault cases. Police departments, though, may have no jurisdiction on college campuses. I hope that this works out for the OP and she can find closure.

I am not being rude to the OP... BUTTTTTT

Am I the only one who noticed timeline problems with this story?

I'm in a better place right now somewhat, because most of this culminated in a huge breakdown where one of my guy friends brought me to the crisis center and I was admitted to the hospital for three days.

I'm not saying that this is all my sisters being bad people because the large majority do NOT know what I'm going through. My big is the only one who knows… she's supported me since I found out I was her little. Sometime after Christmas something changed in our friendship and we haven't been talking except for the day I was admitted.

She is posting this 2 days after Christmas - how was she admitted for 3 days.

And then we have the issue of the Grades for the Semester. She stated the agreement she made with the instructor didn't work out. Also...skipping classes....bad performance. If she was doing so poorly...did she go thru initiation?

If the story is true...Bless her heart.

But I don't think so. She states she's on meds - If she is already in counseling & possible a support group. Why lay it out on the line in Greek Chat..???

Don't mean to offend. & my 2 cents doesn't buy Much.

Just how I see it.

Yes, there is a big difference between filing a judicial charge and police charge. Many college campuses defer to the off-campus police (and higher legal authorities) when it comes to incidents like rape that far surpass the school's jurisdiction. Schools typically do not hire campus security and police to override larger legal authority on such incidents.

As an aside, Google has some examples of forms to file judicial charges for GCers who are unfamiliar with those.

I didn't notice the "admitted" part in the second one.

I did, however, notice that she and her big haven't talked since Christmas and thought that maybe it was premature to lament the lost friendship there (especially considering I owe my big a phone call...since we haven't spoken in almost a week?).

Good point; I forgot how terrible some "counselors" can be, especially the free ones provided by a university.

I take no issue with someone suggesting she report it to the police, I take issue with people saying she NEEDS to do so or that it is the "right" thing to do. The OP should do what is best for herself. There is not some moral imperative for her to report this to the police or for her to see vengeance done.

If someone wants to provide more information on how reporting it can help her, or to share a similar experience where it helped them, be my guest, but telling her that a chosen course of action is the "wrong" one is deeply problematic.

I was under the impression (from the thread title) that she was asking for advice w/r/t her GLO. The OP is a little broader than that, so you are right, we all have opinions on everything. I am trying (though maybe not well?) to draw the line between "you may feel better if you did this" and "you are obligated to do this".

If you wanted to add to the conversation, just add to the conversation. Telling people to shut the fuck up and saying "be my guest" makes me wonder who in the hell you are supposed to be. There are different approaches to this topic. If you want to advise people on tone and wording, you need to check your own tone and wording.

"You need to report this to the police" can be interpreted different ways. Some people will interpret "you need" to be a strong encouragement rather than implying that the person is a hell bound idiot if they do not do so. There are survivors of rape and sexual assault who will also tell people "you need to report this to the police," sometimes in a much stronger and more assertive manner.

You do not ask for GLO advice and then preface it with a story of rape. The GLO part of the story will always be the least important part of the story. But, again, this is what happens when people use Greekchat as a center for advice.

I wish to be unambiguous about the fact that the OP has the right not to report this if she chooses not to do so. If the OP is indeed a real person, she has probably taken that message away from my post. Nothing I say is going to change the minds of the people who feel that she has some moral imperative to do so. Therefore, I believe my word (acronym?) choice has conveyed exactly the message I intended.

You are more than welcome to continue scolding me if you feel that it somehow "adds to the conversation", though.

Just as telling the OP that she needs to call the police probably conveys the message intended which is not necessarily the same message that you interpreted. The OP will decide where to go from there.

"Be my guest."

It's hard to tell you what to do without knowing the makeup or size of your chapter. To say "reach out to your sisters" is vastly different when you're talking about a chapter of 40 and a chapter of 240. Not to mention the social norms/makeup/etc etc of your campus in general.

Don't be mad at your big. She may be pulling away because she doesn't know how to handle it or how to help you. This is a basic self-preservation instinct, and also it's very normal to feel frustrated when you see someone hurting and don't know what you can do (if anything).

All I can say is, bring these questions to your counselor and ask them for advice. And be COMPLETELY honest with them. If you cut yourself 20 times in a week, don't lie and say it was 5. They are un-shock-proof and they don't judge. That's their job.

I would hold off on talking to anyone in the sorority who doesn't know until you speak with your counselor. Have you gotten your grades yet?

"My main issue is that I would like to know how I can better reach out to my sisters; as I said, these are girls I love and want to get to know better, but I need to know how to do this when I feel like a sea of my own unique and bad experiences and my own mental state seem to be hindering me from doing this."lunalovegood


your counselor might be the best person to advise you, in that respect.

Been there, done that.

Here's what helped me:

You need to substitute a healthy behavior for the cutting. You're doing that to deal with the anxiety, yes? Try running. You should start a running program every morning. Get up early to do it. Every time you feel like cutting go for another run. It will help with the depression and help blow out the anxiety. If you can't run, get a couch to 5k training program and learn to run. Biking or swimming or any other hard aerobic exercise is going to help. This will start helping in the short term. If you do it regularly, it should start helping right away.

You are already taking an SSRI medication. (Zoloft, Prozac, etc.) They are excellent for relieving the type of anxiety that you are dealing with. If they are not doing enough, you can change medication or change dosage. Talk to a doctor. You may need to take a different kind of medication, like Wellbutrin.

Take a holiday from drinking and going out where there will be boys. Start showing up for house events that don't involve those things. You bond with people by spending time with them. Spend time with your sisters doing things that don't involve alcohol or boys.

I guarantee that other women in your chapter have had sexual assault experiences. In my small chapter, several people had those experiences. About 25% of college women will experience some form of sexual assault. It's not your fault and you're not weird for having this happen.

Give yourself time. It may take a year or two to settle down.

Counselors didn't do much for me, frankly. I got a lot more out of Albert Ellis' self-help books. Ellis founded a school of psychology called Rational Emotive Therapy. It's a sort of DIY cognitive behavior therapy. It was really useful to me. He has a tone of books, but you might try this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Des...1&sr=8-3-fkmr0

Also, I had to quit drinking entirely. About two years after my rape, I decided I had a drinking problem and went to AA. I spent a long time in AA. It helped me, but I had access to some very good AA groups and groups with young people in them. There's a lot of bad AA out there, so it may not be helpful to you. You also have to watch what group you join because I've known women to be revictimized by male AA members. It's 18 years later and I'm not sure I was an alcoholic. I do know that drinking triggered my PTSD, though. I would barricade myself in my room when I drank. I just can't drink anymore. (I was pretty drunk when I was raped. Not too drunk to run away or say "no," but too drunk to stop it.)

You may also not be alcohol dependent, even though you're drinking too much. If AA isn't for you, you might want to try Rational Recovery (read the Little Book). It can give you strategies for quitting drinking abusively without declaring yourself alcoholic. Women for Sobriety is a great group for women that focuses on building women up, rather than the "ego deflation" that is one of the core principles of AA . Moderation Management might also be worth a check.

My question marks were her saying in one place that she has trouble sleeping and under the "self destructive behavior" she says she sleeps all the time. And promiscuity when she says sounds and colors and words can cause paralyzing fear? Not saying it couldn't be caused by the feelings of worthlessness, but I just can't see someone with the fears she's described being capable of being promiscuous.

I can believe it, when you add in the drinking. It seems believable to me that someone could have a lot of problems when sober, drink too much to dull the symptoms, and act out sexually when drinking.

The sleeping thing... I don't know. Sleeping too much is a depression symptom. Not sleeping is a depression symptom. I don't know if people go back and forth between the two.

You get those things from other people by giving those things to other people. You need to suit up, show up and be of service to your sisters. Make yourself useful. Help with whatever you can help with. Go to intermurals. Ask people to the movies. If you don't live in the house, go hang out at the house. Watch TV with your sisters.

It takes time and effort. If it's difficult at first, you need to fake it until you make it.

You need to focus less on yourself and more on others.

Like I said, it's really hard to know how to tell you to do that without knowing more about the makeup of your chapter and your school. But no one wants you to give details to the point where you would out yourself.

If it seems that people are being reluctant to give you advice, it's just that they don't want to say something that might backfire. I could say, yes, go ahead and reach out to your sisters, and everything will be fine, and they will all respond with open arms, regardless of anything you've done the past semester. But I went to a small public school in the Northeast 20+ years ago. This may be EONS from the school/Greek system you are at now. My advice may be equivalent to a steaming pile of poo.

My advice was intended to be general. It's what I'd tell anyone who was screwing up this badly. I have no idea if it will work. OP may not be able to recover those relationships.

My collegiate chapter would be be pretty pissed at this point. OP is drinking, sleeping around, cutting, and failing classes. The chapter has no explanation for what is going on with her. They'd be embarrassed and mad.

If OP doesn't want to explain to the chapter, the only thing OP can do is straighten up her act and do her best to be a good sister. If she stops acting out, eventually the chapter may realize that she isn't the psycho she seemed to be in her first semester. It's going to take a lot of time, though.

I'd probably apologize to my Big, too. OP has put her in a terrible position. I wouldn't expect a parent or professional to be able to stop someone from cutting, and OP's Big has been trying to take responsibility for that. She's just a college student. It's an entirely unfair that anyone expects that the Big should be in a position to manage another sister's psychiatric problem. If I were the Big, I'd pull back, too. OP says she "just wants a friend," but she's also expecting that her Big will help her NOT cut by patrolling her life for sharps. That's not a friend. That's a psych nurse.

I didn't mean you, and I wasn't criticizing your advice, it was good advice. The OP just seemed to be wondering why there wasn't more people telling her what to do throughout the thread.

I think it boils down to the same reason our bar-admitted GC friends don't hand out legal advice. This isn't some girl asking how to get recs or what to wear to pref.

Probably the best advice is to talk to your counselor about it and get some professional, practical advice on how to proceed.

And I might bang this drum (which has been tapped in this thread already): talk to an advisor, stat.

Based on what the OP posted, from an advisor standpoint, I'd be looking at her as a significant risk/scholarship challenge, without knowing the circumstances of her situation. Advisors can help, and can be a great resource, in terms of the membership issue(s).

Yes, yes, yes. i also said this earlier in the thread. Advisors are more understanding than collegiate members often give us credit for and one of the reasons collegiate chapters have advisors is for them to help the college members-but we can't do that if the collegiate members won't talk to us.

All of this has been said since the beginning of the thread. Apparently the OP doesn't want THIS advice. I doubt she'll like the other good advice given either that to make friends you have to be a friend. She's in a tough situation, but joining a sorority doesn't mean things magically get better. Emotional scars don't just go away because you're an XYZ. "Sister" don't automatically know you need a shoulder to cry on. It's hard work recovering from this trauma, and it takes hard work to build relationships in a sorority. There's no free lunch.

My dear sister!

I sent you a pm.

LiEP
Lynn