What teachers really want to tell parents.
 

From CNN:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/06/living...-tell-parents/

Interesting and just wanted to share (because I know there are lots of parents/teachers on GC.)

I totally agree. I am a former teacher.

I am a teacher.

I approve this message.

Former teacher as well and this article is very accurate.

I was a successful teacher, but got out after a few years. I love teaching and miss it. To this day I still have dreams about teaching and being in the classroom. I think of former students and classes regularly. But I was sick of school. Being a teacher is no longer about teaching. It is about everything else that gets labeled school.

The schools will not change until our culture changes and parents understand what it means to be parents. There is no way the entire system can change on the backs of the teachers.

I don't mean to sound like the voice of doom, but I have very little hope for our schools.

BTW... We are homeschooling our daughter.

I'm totally with teachers for the most part, but this article went a little too far. According to the article, when a kid tells the parent about something rotten the teacher did, the parent should remember there's two sides to every story. But when the teacher reports a student's misbehavior, parents should be satisfied with hearing just one side.

Damn straight I'm asking my kid if a teacher's accusation is correct. Maybe his side of the story will shed some light on the context. Or maybe it won't, but I need to hear it. Teachers can be wrong.

Exactly. Teachers can be wrong even when the child did something wrong.

Also, my public school education taught me that in the midst of the awesome teachers (and principals) there are some jacked up teachers (and principals). Teachers are not your child's babysitters which also means that they are not the primary disciplinarian and adult in the child's life. What the teachers say and do should never go unchallenged if a problem arises. An involved parent will pay attention and make sure the kid does the right thing more often than not. As the article said, children are not and should not be perfect so there will be the occasional issue. Anything more than occasional and your child (and/or the teachers and the school) has a concern.

Teacher - adult
student - child

Teachers can be wrong, but the odds of you being called in for something a teacher isn't 100% sure about are pretty slim - parental meetings are a major pain, requiring paperwork, dealing with the administration, not to mention the stress. 99% of teachers aren't going to go through the hassle if it isn't a serious problem, and if they don't know what they saw. You as a parent should have already talked to your child about the incident/behavior before you go into the meeting. If you were meeting with me, your child would not be at the meeting. Parents need to partner with teachers, not regard them as the enemy.

The problem isn't parents who listen to their children and come in willing to hear the teacher; the problem is the parents who will not even entertain the idea that their little snowflake could do anything wrong. The problem is parents who come in openly hostile. You think our pretty princess entitled pnms come out of nowhere? Those apples aren't falling far from the trees.

Teaching college has definite advantages to teaching middle school.

eta - I'm not only a teacher; I'm a parent. Just today I wrote my youngest son's teacher on this, the first day of school, to alert him to certain behaviors that might be a problem and to let him know how we have been working with him this summer. THAT is partnering. I know my youngest is not perfect. But I'm his first teacher, and I want to WORK with his teachers to enable him to become the young man I know he can be. I welcome their input. Last year, when my other son reported a very troublesome incident at the school, I wrote the teacher, had a meeting, and very quickly figured out, working with him, what had happened and how my son had misinterpreted what had been said. The teachers know I regard them as allies. They know I'm not going to go off half-cocked based on something an 8 year old thinks he might have heard.

Teachers and principals called parents when I was in middle school and high school. They now email parents. Meaning, in many school systems, parental meetings are not the primary way that parents are notified of student failure to complete assignments and misbehavior. It is sometimes the case that the parents are the ones who request an in-person meeting.

People need to remember that school systems differ, teachers differ, parents differ, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to this. The general message remains the same but the details will vary.

Oh, I prefer e-mail because you have a written record. The problem is one we have here on GreekChat - tone. It can be very difficult to write in a non-confrontational tone. I spent a great deal of time framing e-mails because of that. Some parents didn't - but at least I had a record of what actually transpired. Taping meetings is not a bad idea, because there are parents who will absolutely lie about what you said. Not many, but enough to make it worth your while to cya. And THAT is one reason so many great teachers are leaving - so much of our time is spent playing cya, instead of doing things that would directly impact the students.

I would also add - if you are not sure about the details, ASK. Also, it's nice if the parent will acknowledge the behavior is wrong. Parent - "Throwing things and not obeying the teacher is unacceptable. Is there any particular time when he throws things, or is he throwing them at someone?" - Teacher - "He does it towards the end of class and he throws them at Billy." Parent - "I will speak to him and make sure he understands he is not to throw anything. He did tell me he finishes his projects early - maybe if he can be given some clean-up duties to help you, or an extra project that will keep him busy. Can you move him so he will not be sitting near Billy?"

THAT is an example of a parent/teacher working together to resolve a problem. Parents do have a unique knowledge of their children which if they share with the teacher might well lead to a peaceful resolution. A good teacher isn't going to just go "Your student is BAD. Make him/her behave". A good teacher is going to try and figure out WHY the student is misbehaving, HOW the student can be directed to making better choices. and how the parents can work with him/her. Teachers want children to succeed. Sometimes that fact gets missed by parents.

This is what we were responding to:

I disagree with this.

I also partially disagree with:

This teacher needs to remember that he/she is talking to adults and not to children. And some of the parents that he/she is talking to are also educators/teachers/professors. In that sense, it is absolutely fine to respectfully disagree, have an actual discussion, or request clarification. It is the same thing that I would do with an attorney and a doctor, especially if I am familiar with the topic. Again, that is what adults do.

"Digesting it" and "consider" does not equal take without question. I think the article is addressing those parents who reject it out of hand. "MY son would never throw anything! You are the teacher; you take care of it. That's why I pay you." (Actual quote from a parent.)

And I doubt that if the doctor gave you an opinion you would turn to the nurse and say "Is that true?". There's a big difference between challenging a teacher's veracity and asking for clarification. Once you have essentially called the teacher a liar it is going to be very difficult to have an "actual discussion".

Yes, you as a parent should question. Yes, you should bring your knowledge and experience to the table. But this is not a society that values teachers, and that is often shown by the dismissive tone some parents will employ. Tone, tone, tone. Show the teacher respect - the teacher should do the same.

Agree. Agree. Agree. Marry me? ;)


When parents are open to discussing with me the areas of concern I have, then we can have open dialogue to survey and hopefully address (fix) the situation. It's difficult when parents come in openly hostile and aggressive because they feel I am picking on their precious snowflake. Apparently, I am being excessively difficult and demanding when I expect my students to keep their shoes on, not hit, not bite, not fight, clean up after themselves, etc. I had one parent actually complain about me saying I was unreasonable with my expectations of student behavior.

My husband is behind me reading this and screaming, "YES! YES!"

My best friend from highschool posted this on FB. This was my reply:

As a parent, I wish more parents got this.

Remember the days when it was the STUDENT that was nervous and scared to bring home a bad note/test grade/etc and not the teacher who was scared to send it? I didn't for the most part behave well because of what the teachers would do to me...I was scared of what my parents would do to me.

I've told my daughter's teacher that I want to be told of any problems she has with Mariana. Of course, as she pointed out, it's the parents with my attitude that don't need to worry about their kids.

One final thought about the article...in the case of the parent asking the child "Is this true?", there is probably a better way to phrase it, but I'd ask my child something similar not because I didn't believe the teacher, but I would want my child to acknowledge the mistake/situation.

People generally would not disagree with a doctor or lawyer as they would with a teacher.

Ugh, teachers need to not diagnose. Making referrals, expressing concerns, reporting behavior/capabilities/etc are all fine, but diagnostic professionals need to diagnose. (Parents should do the same, notice behaviors, express concerns, even do research but not diagnose. And of course seek a second opinion if red flags are raised. It's just worse when the teacher as authority figure does it.)

Without being a parent or a teacher, I'm going to guess that there's some truth in both 'sides' of the story. Some parents need to listen more and defend their child less, some need to question the teacher more or seek a second opinion particularly if something doesn't seem right.

This is such a broad statement it borders on the vague. Be specific and provide examples.

This is so true. As a teacher, I have noticed that sometimes what one student sees as inappropriate behavior another student deems completely appropriate. In high school, I see this more and more.

Example: Student A says something to Student B that seems harmless to A. However B felt offended/ridiculed/bullied etc. Teacher intervenes and A truly has no idea that he or she has done anything wrong. But after sitting down with and talking it out, A realizes how the comments might have been hurtful.

Honestly, I would take the "Is that true?" to mean "You should know better, I can't believe you did that you little monster!" sort of like "What were you thinking???" or "You DIDN'T!"
But I guess it's all about the tone of voice.

I have always been a partner, but I do have to say that my son had two teachers in elementary school who were awful. I also have to say that both were brand new grads, long term subs covering for maternity leaves. One was in first grade and my son was no angel, I freely admit. I believed everything I was told about how awful he was. Then, one day, one of the parent volunteers at the school pulled me aside and told me that Miss X was singling out my son. She said that three kids could be doing something together and my son was the only one who got screamed at and sent to the principal. It was a rough year. He also never learned to write his numbers or letters correctly because she didn't teach them that. It's hard to describe, but to watch him print or write numbers, you know it's upside down. So like, when he makes a 2, he starts at the bottom right and works up. Not life changing, but an example.

The other one was actually a student teacher who they used as a long term sub because the original long term sub had left. She had no classroom supervision and needed it. She had a bunch of active 4th graders and they would be really loud and out of control. To get their attention, she would sit at her desk and say in this meek voice "class, you need to be quiet". Contrasted with his 3rd grade teacher who would clap a pattern and the whole class would immediately stop what they were doing and clap it back.

The most frustrating was when he wasn't doing any of his work and the teacher didn't tell me until parent teacher conferences, 3 months into the school year. I would have welcomed an email home. I asked her to let me know any time he missed an assignment from that time on.

Anyway, I agree with the article in most cases. I've seen crazy parents and the type the article talks about. I did sometimes wonder if anybody (principal included) ever asked a kid what had happened when something went awry. My son bit a kid at lunch once (2nd grade). He was suspended until a parent meeting could occur with the principal. I asked him "Why did you bite Billy?" He said "Billy takes my popcorn away from me every Friday and the lunch ladies won't do anything when I tell them and I told him if he did it again I was going to bite him" Billy did get in trouble too, once the story was out, and Billy never tried to steal my son's popcorn again!

His second grade teacher was great and recognized that my son could NOT handle centers. He did great when everybody was sitting at their desks getting instruction or doing work but as soon as centers started, he was everywhere. He couldn't handle the lack of structure. He still doesn't like lack of structure. Thankfully, she let him do his "centers" work in the hallway so he didn't have to cope with the chaos.

All that said, I knew my son wasn't angel. Now though? All I hear from teachers is "He's such a nice, polite young man". Phew! And my ex always says "Are you sure you're talking about our son???" Makes me want to kick him! LOL

The whole "Well, we're only getting the teacher's side; we should get parents, too and then find out what is REALLY happening" thing reminds me of those who say "Well, it takes two to divorce". No. It takes two to make a marriage WORK; one ass can destroy a marriage.

You did get a parents' perspective. I am the mother of 4 in addition to being a teacher so -ta da! There you go. The difference is that as a parent you only know what your child tells you; you are not THERE at the school seeing what happens. A parent is not in a position equal to the teacher in terms of 1.) seeing the bigger picture of class and school dynamics and 2.) actually BEING THERE. It does make a difference. One also hopes that teachers have the benefit of their education. Yes, you may disagree with a doctor, but if you discount out of hand what his/her experience and training bring to his/her evaluation you do yourself a disservice. You don't go to webMD and decide you know better; you go to another doctor. If you cannot resolve the problem with the teacher, you to to the administration. If they can't resolve it, you change teachers or change schools. You may chose to home school. I've done all of the above.

While there are indeed awful teachers who are a disgrace to the profession and who should be FIRED they are the minority. As I noted before, the entitlement being addressed in the article is something we see manifest right here on Greek Chat - why would you think that the same heliparents who are here giving sororities and their members hell wouldn't do the same to the teachers of their children?

eta - And the attitude being expressed by some on this thread to teachers? Absolutely what the article is addressing. Teachers are not the enemy.

Generally. There are of course people who disagree with doctors and get second opinions, but straight up telling a doctor "you're wrong" is less likely than one would to a teacher. Same for lawyers, but that is a whole different beast. Thats as detailed as I'll get. If you disagree, I don't care.

ETA: Yes. Heliparents are a problem. I am so glad my mother/father were far from that

Exactly! And we've all come across these parents.. the ones who won't say a word while their kids climb all over the seats at restaurants or kick the seats on an airplane (I believe there's an entire thread somewhere talking about this exact thing), the ones who wouldn't discipline their kids even if their lives depended on it, and the ones who view everyone who tells their kids to behave as being in the wrong.

This article doesn't say that all parents are crazy and ridiculous.. only that there are a large number of them who don't understand that teachers have to deal with their kids for most of the day.

THIS!!!!!


Medical diagnoses are a completely different thing. This definitely deserves a second (and possibly third) opinion.

And in response to a part of the article:

I'm not saying that all teachers who give high grades are bad teachers, or the ones who give low grades are great teachers, but...

The best teacher I had was my 5th grade teacher. While many of my fellow 5th-graders were excited because they had the "easy" teacher, the rest of us struggled (and I use that term loosely now) through the year. Looking back, however, even just a year or two after that, I realized that there's a reason to be a bit harder on students. Thinking that every student is a precious snowflake, and should be handed every little thing in life, in many situations, sets them up for disaster.

Where is that attitude in this thread? Because I just reskimmed the whole thread and found no one unilaterally talking smack about teachers and pretty much everyone agrees to some extent with the premise, just disagrees about the tone, or the degree of the article/conversation.

So... please cite your references SWTXBelle.

Also, you want cookies for being both teacher and a parent? There's no way that your views as a parent are influenced by your role as a teacher, right?

I enjoyed the article. As a an educator for 38 years I've seen a little bit of everything.

Kids are kids and are pretty much the same as they were 1st day I stepped in the classroom until the day I retired.
Parents, however, and their attitudes toward their children have changed and this worries me. Parents need to allow their children to fail, not always be 1st, not always win a prize and use this as a teachable moment. How to deal with the disappointments that come about with just living. Time will tell what will happen to these kids as they become adults but I see major disappointment about life in general.
I have a good friend who is an assistant dean at a major university and she shared with me about the rise in parents actually contacting her about their "child's" grades at the college level and even challenging their admission to the graduate programs.

Just my 2cents

In my classroom, students earn incentives for good behavior, perfect attendance & returning homework completed for a certain number of weeks in a row. I have a class treasure box that the kids can choose a prize from when they've earned their rewards. Many times I've gotten angry emails, letters and calls from parents furious because their child did not get one of the prizes in my class. From Day 1, I have told parents what my expectations are. I went over them again during Back to School Night. I am rapidly learning that many parents want their snowflake to be the exception to my rules. I don't think so. They can complain and whine to the principal all they want but I'm not changing my rules and expecations for anyone.

These helicopter parents need to get a clue. They want their kid to earn rewards without actually doing the work needed to earn them in the first place.

I remember when I was in first grade, my teacher emphasized how important spelling was, and always tested us regarding this, even in small ways throughout the entire year. She told us on day 1 that there would be 4 major spelling tests over the course of the school year, and whoever received 100% would receive a special prize after each test.

I received 100% on 3 different occasions, and I remember the big prize that was offered twice was a stuffed animal in a balloon (which was pretty cool at the time!). As far as I know, there was never any issue with it.

I have many friends who are teachers now, and they tell me that they're afraid to praise the good kids and reward them with anything because of how parents will react. One of them gave out candy when students did well on a test, and supposedly a kid went home crying (after he got one of the lowesr scores in the class), and the mother requested to have a meeting, and proceeded to bitch out my friend, because she excluded the kids who didn't do well.

We can go back and forth all day over who's at fault but I think we all know that the article is not talking about those parents that have some sense and have respect for teachers. And of course there are some "bad" teachers out there, but the article is talking about those parents (and unfortunately this group is growing more now than ever) who are out of control when it comes to their kids and have little to no respect for teachers. I have seen/heard it all and taught 13 years ago so things have been going down hill for a while (also I called parents on the phone; we didn't use email). From students being out of control and disrespecting teachers to parents trying to fight teachers without having any details. It has been out of control for a long time and it's getting worse. The children are getting worse to deal with and the parents are getting worse to deal with...see the connection? Where I taught, teachers spent much of their class time telling a child to sit down and shut up (not in those exact words) instead of teaching the day's lesson. The bottom line, no discipline at home coupled with parents who have little respect for teachers equals teachers having to be babysitters and disciplinarians all day. With the low pay (especially in school districts that need teachers urgently) and politics, more and more teachers are jumping ship now more than ever and this will continue unless we make some changes as a society.

Literally, I have 5 minutes before I head out the door to teach. Sweet irony . . .

Drole - While I could post everything I found to be hostile, I suspect that you would then disagree, and this could go on and on. It goes back to the whole "tone" thing in some cases - in others it goes back to the lack of respect given to teachers and their training, which leads me to . . .

Dr. Phil - While somewhat tongue in cheek, my comment about parents' perspective goes to the idea that it's an us/them situation. Most teachers I know are parents; most parents I know are not teachers. So teachers have an insight into the parents' position and roles that most parents do not have about teachers. The education I was speaking of was the education of teachers, not education in general. While you might question a doctor, you would not deny him/her the fact that he/she has devoted a great deal of time, money and effort into his profession. He/she is trained and has knowledge you do not. Why is it that you (and much of society) will not give teachers credit for their chosen profession? I too have spent much of my adult life learning to educate. It is an on-going process. The same people who will gleefully tell posters to "Stay in his/her lane!" if they start to discuss a subject in which they have no personal knowledge will have no problem assuming that teachers have no special insight, knowledge or training about education. The whole "every situation is different thing"? REALLY? Thanks for that insight. But we are talking in general terms about the things that are constant, not those that vary.

All I've advocated is a relationship of mutual respect; parents respect teachers and their profession, and teachers recognize that parents have a unique insight and knowledge about their children. If my advocating a non-adversarial relationship between parents and teachers as they partner to teach the student is wrong in your opinion, um, okay.

Off to teach Comp. 1301.

I don't think he was comparing the teacher to a doctor in that sense...more that he was saying most people don't assume that drs or lawyers are going to be wrong (or they wouldn't be paying them). That a teacher is also a professional who knows their job and many people don't treat them as such.

The obvious thing here is that teachers are trained educators. They're not child psychiatrists. There is no way in Hades a teacher is qualified to make such a diagnosis. As a parent, it's good to trust a teacher who is making statements they are professionally qualified to make. Diagnosing autism or ADHD is not something taught in ed school.

ETA: Looks like y'all covered this. That'll teach me to reply to page 1 without reading the rest of the thread.

Oh - so because teachers are, on the whole, so lazy as to generally avoid such work, they should be given the benefit of the doubt in those rare occasions when the behavior catalyzes the teacher's actions, forcing them over the hump and making them actually perform the "major pain" you described?

See where we're going here? You're basically doing the same thing you accuse parents of doing, just in favor of the profession, rather than a child.

Also this thread is a cognitive dissonance factory - we are actually mass-producing, boxing, shipping, and then billing for CD. We might be able to supply the world with a year's worth if somebody uses the word "overpaid."

Teacher threads are the new race threads.

No, I don't want a cookie. I would like recognition of the fact that yes, my parenting is influenced by the fact I'm a teacher and guess what? My teaching is influenced by the fact that I am a parent. In both cases, it is to the good. I don't have to pretend to walk a mile in a parent's shoes - I've DONE IT. I have sat on the other side of the table as the parent of 4, ranging from a certified genius to a special needs child. You bet your stale cookie that makes me more empathetic and knowledgeable about what that parent is going through. I know the nerves, tension, fear, desire to help and frustration that accompany having to meet with a teacher. I know the overwhelming love and support of a parent. I know the concern and desire to enable a child to succeed. It makes me a BETTER teacher; teaching makes me a BETTER parent. But you can just thank God you've never had to subject your children to the horror that would be having me as a teacher; praise Jesus you've never had to sit across the table from me as we tried to address your child's problems.

Oh, yes, that's exactly what I meant. Thank you for clarifying. Here I was thinking it was liable to be misinterpreted as pointing out that teacher's don't call meetings just to amuse themselves and to fill up all that spare time they have since they only work from 8 - 3, but you've summed it up nicely.