Is this too much interest too soon?
 

On Plenty of Fish, someone messaged me first. He was not quite my type- height/build, occupation, education, and most of all personality since he was so gushy and mushy it was smothering and almost overwhelming. But there were no dealbreakers in him and I did not feel a no, so I messaged him back.

On the second email, he asked if I wanted to see a ballet with him in a city a few counties away from the one where I live in (he lives in the one just west of mine). I did not reply to that, focusing instead on other things he asked. And I did tell him that I was nowhere near as romantic as he was- that even though I am idealistic and not particularly practical, that I did not know if I could give emotionally as much as he did. Because he would mainly talk about how romantic he was.

Well, he messages me today again- and gives me his number and asks if we can get together this weekend.

Is this too much interest too soon? Or just a possible incompatibility, since I would prefer to talk a bit about our hobbies, interests, backgrounds, beliefs, and the sort before meeting. Or could he be too desperate? Is he simply being clueless but deep down means well?

What do you think?

being a pragmatist myself, I say trust your instincts about the Incompatibility.

He seems like a good person. And his very caring (ok, bordering on smothering) and gushy personality are great for his job as a paramedic.

I just do not know if he is a good match for me. I need a lot of space since I am such an independent person.

That, and I do wonder if this is objectively too much interest too soon and a sign that he could turn possessive or the sort.

Yeah, there's a couple of flags here, but he doesn't seem too bad. I would just be a little concerned about his inability to read between the lines. Everything you said sounded very hesitant and he doesn't seem to pick up on that--he just pushed harder. Those are the guys to be careful with because pushy doesn't always just stop at annoying. I would be more firm in that you'd like things to go slowly (if that's true) and that this level of emotional attachment is a little much for you considering you haven't even met. I don't know how to put that into casual-but-firm-fit-for-a-guy speak, sorry. :o

I'm on Plenty of Fish as well and I have my first date on Sunday. :D He seems really nice and made sure I was always comfortable. He wanted to take me out right off the bat, but when I hesitated, he said we would go as slowly as I wanted and moving to the next step would always be up to me. If/When we did start to go out, it would be no-strings-attached, at least at first. He does want this to turn into a relationship eventually but at my pace and, if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. He sounds amazing, I hope he's this cool IRL. *crosses fingers*

Scandia I was kidding with the popcorn emoticon, but honestly, I think you're headed for disaster with a guy like him. If you're independent and he's one of those clingy, mushy guys then this whole thing could cause more problems than you think. I dunno, it's just that he seems to be pushy like you said. Plus, he's romantic and you're not, I mean how would that work? It just seems like you want to give it a try out of desperation. I say that not to be mean or anything, but you said it yourself, he's not your type. You said he's not quite your type, education, occupation, height/build, and to top it off you said his personality. That, to me is pretty much the whole guy. I mean, isn't it? Everything except his looks. Btw, what does he look like? Cute, o.k. looking, not so good looking...you didn't mention that. If he didn't post a picture, and all you have to go from is what you listed, to us about him, I wouldn't do it. Think about it, he doesn't have the personality you want, he doesn't have the occupation you look for a guy to have, and based on what you posted he doesn't have a strong educational background. I really hope you find a good guy and all, but I would tell this guy you would rather not meet up with him.

Good luck

I never said I was not romantic. I am very idealistic and daydream about finding true love very often. But I am just not mushy. It would take the right person to get affection beyond a quick hug from me- and this is with everyone, not just in the romance realm. I do give flowers and gifts- but it takes the right person for me to feel something and want to sing a love poem and the sort.

He posted pics- he somewhat taller and a bit stronger than what I would prefer, but his coloring is fine. He posted a pic of himself in uniform with a baby he delivered- if that does not give a good impression, then I do not know what will.

I agree that description-wise and picture-wise, he is not someone I would have approached first. But given the bad things that have happened (stalking, psychological abuse) and the good things that have not happened (finding the right person and having a serious long term relationship) in this domain, shouldn't I be more grateful and give him a chance?

I have not messaged him back, btw. This weekend is not good for me anyway.

OK please give a real response. Not emoticons that people can and will easily miss the meaning of.

If I said something problematic, please let me know so that I can correct it and apologize if necessary.

"His coloring is fine" sort of throws everything off for me. Dionysus bolded and underlined it in the quote.

I mean that I like his coloring. That the coloring falls within my preferred type range, even though his height and build are not.

:eek:

So as long as the dude is not darker (or lighter) than you "prefer," then screw everything else?

Is there such thing as a remedial dating class? Because from all of your posts on GC with these such random requests for advice make you seem to know zero about dating and just general interpersonal interaction. You're stressing over something so minor... this isn't like some big dramatic dating question.

Seriously, there has to be some sort of class for people who don't have the first clue. If not, there's a great business idea...

What in the world? LOL

If I can recall correctly, she's a Latina who has really strong preference for men with blond hair and blue eyes.

Having color preferences is OK, but going by her past GC posts and posts on other sites, it seems to be close to an obsession.

Yup, when they handed out luck and skills for romance, I was totally behind the door.

If they offered classes like these, whoever taught them would be a millionaire.

Anyhow, I have realized that if I were to go out with him, it would be out of gratitude and not true interest. I have met someone else on POF who seems to have more in common with me anyway.

May I Suggest...
 

http://www.harpercollins.com/harperi...0060932213.jpg

It's decently written and gives the basics for those without a clue. Yes, I know this firsthand.

I've actually "shadowed" friends when they go on internet dates, for safety and for entertainment as well. I should get a graduate degree in Psychology and do this as a business. Hire actors to help people learn about dates and give them makeovers. I should make it a tv show and have people from GC as guest commentators.

I seriously think my cohost should be 'Shid so we can cater to 'mos and 'ros.

I have realized that if I were to go out with him, it would be out of gratitude and not true interest.

That, and this weekend would not be a good one for it anyway.

Still haven't replied to him.

Um, then don't go. This whole thread is quite odd.

I don't know, I don't have a ton of experience with online dating, but for the month that I tried it, any guy who just messaged me being pushy quickly ended up on my "ignore" list. I really trust my intuition, and if anyone does something that gives me a bad vibe, I'm done with that person.

It sounds like you need a lot of experience dating, or at least interacting with more people.

Amen.

And your intuition is usually right.

I should have listened to it back then- but I was just 15/16 and a total dork.

Now I know better. And I have blocked people on POF who got immediately sexual, or who were way too forward and explicit.

I just need practice and to tweak things.

If you're still using an experience that you had over 10 years ago as a crutch and an excuse now for your poor social interaction and dating skills, then you need the help of a professional in the mental health field to help you deal with that. Not random dating advice from strangers on the internet.

Sadly, I analyze everything since I am such a rational person.

Don't worry- I won't go out with him. Or even reply to his emails any longer.

Rational people don't analyze thing like you do- only you analyze things like this.

None of us are worrying.

I'm thinking you sort of like this - posting stuff like this to get intarweb attention.

^^Co-sign (and lol).

I don't know what POF is in terms of "legitimate" online dating sites and I know it's a common thing these days, but Scandia, if you don't get more discerning and definitive in your immediate sizing up of people, you're a tragedy waiting to happen. IF you meet anyone from that site in person, fly VandalSquirrel out to do her shadowing; I would have serious concerns about your ability to handle yourself and pick up on danger signs from a possible kook.

I don't think it's getting intarweb attention per se--I think it's more of not having any experience with this sort of thing. I think about questions that I had when I started dating and, more than 10 years later, they make me laugh and I'm grateful for how far I've come.

Without a lot of experience with dating, or even having friends, you end up having these sorts of issues that people with more of a life don't even think about.

[QUOTE=Scandia;1754206]

He posted pics- he somewhat taller and a bit stronger than what I would prefer, but his coloring is fine. QUOTE]

I'm a little late to the party here, but I daresay that this sounds like shopping for a car instead of trying to connect with a real-live person.

One of the most vivacious, professionally successful and magnetic women I know went on Match.com on a whim just to increase her options of meeting a nice guy. She got a message from someone in a town about 30 miles away. "The only person I know from there is my ex-husband, and I don't ever want to go there!" was her first response. Then she looked at the guy's picture, and said "Is that a PONYTAIL?! Oh, no way." But, she returned his message, and after corresponding for a while she was touched by his warmth, his spirituality, and his kindness.

They've now been married for 5 blissful years now, and his teenage daughters have become the children that she was never able to have on her own.

Moral of the story: it's not about the packaging.

I think that's internet dating in general.

LIES!

Totally agreed. The pushier someone gets with me, especially right at the beginning, the less likely I am going to want to meet him. If I get a bad vibe from him - forget it.
I'm on Plentyoffish too and I have met several people from there - including my current boyfriend, who is awesome. :D I have been pretty good at weeding out the crazies before we get anywhere close to meeting. I do like to exchange messages/IM a few times at least before we meet. If someone pushes to meet right away - HUGE red flag.

Wait...he's a paramedic who is tall and strong? Send him my way! Thanks! :cool:


.....Kelly :)

No kidding!