Hey...there is a thread somewhere about soulmates...it had a lot of good opinions in it. I think the title was "Soulmates, do they exist" or something like that.

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...ight=soulmates

Mild vent
 

Right now, I'm feeling like I'm 40, fat in the wrong place to be so (LoCal), never will be married or have a child. Translation: a complete loser and my mother and sister (a mother herself) are lording it over me on Mother's Day.

The reason I'm feeling this way: I was blindsided today by my nephew, who's bringing his (nonAfAm) gf and her nonAfAm child to dinner. I get these horrible mammy/Sambo images whenever I see them.

Of course, I had another vicious row with my mother and sister, and my sister asked me: "what are you going to do with a baby?"

That's not the point.

Back later.

(((((((Steeltrap)))))))))

((((((((Steeltrap))))))))))

We love you girlina! Just remember that your self-worth is not determined by your weight, your relationship status or any other external factors such as that. Also, don't allow yourself to feel inferior by your mother, sister or ANYONE. :)

Soror ST,

I have intentionally not read much from this particular thread, but felt like I had to respond when I saw what you posted.

Unfortunately, sometimes family think that just because they're family, that gives them the right to say whatever is on their minds. Now just because they can and DO say whatever's on their minds, doesn't make it right. You would do the same thing with a child that good mothers do: love it, nurture it and help it to become the person that it will be.

I would rather see you in the state you're in now than married and miserable. Same goes for many of my other Sorors and Sisterfriends who have posted here. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married - when your marriage is good, it's great; but when it's not good, it's awful (hope that wasn't too confusing). Better to be by yourself and lonely than married and lonely. Take it from someone who knows.

Don't allow those little seeds that have been placed by your family, friends, etc. to take root in your brain and grow. If nobody else has good things to say about you, then you say good things to yourself! Encourage yourself!

I know it's hard, but try not to be moved or swayed by things that you see (I keep telling myself this too, so I"m preaching to me as well) because everything isn't always the way it seems.

I'm done now. . .

>>hijack
Has anyone read Single, Sassy, and Satisfied by Michelle Mckinney Hammond??? Its really good insight in this area as far as being Single and focusing on God and other positive aspects of being a single woman...I know it gets tough sometimes..and reading and doing positive things can really lift you up...

>>> end hijack

((((((((Steeltrap)))))))))))

You are in my thoughts Soror!

Re: Mild vent
 

Dearest ST:

The only way you can feel like or even be a loser is if YOU ARE ONE, and I don't think that you are one. Just b/c family and friends may think that you are too old to get married and/or have children doesn't mean that they should hold that over your head, much less make you feel guilty about what accomplishments you've had b4 marriage and motherhood. I'm not going to start spouting cliches b/c that would be redundant. But I'd like to say a few things (hoping you'll feel better soon):

1. Marriage is a great institution for those who are truly ready to appreciate the ones they're with, but it's not for everyone.

2. As far as motherhood is concerned, you don't necessarily have to give birth in order to be an effective parent/role model. You can take care of a relative's child, become a foster parent or godparent, or adopt. There are too many young children who don't have a stable home life (which they deserve) and they could be living with their natural parents. Raising a child can be a difficult task, especially if it's not in your heart. I have five godchildren, one niece and two nephews, and I love them all dearly. I feel that whatever I can teach them and pass on to them will hlp in keeping my memory alive when I'm gone. Even though I'm 26, I still haven't decided whether I would like to have children of my own. If I do decide to have two or three or 100, I want to make sure that I do that with someone who shares the same passions as I do about life, love and family. :D

(((((SOROR ST)))))

Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about yourself. You are fabulous in every sense of the word. Do not let others define/dictate who you are. As Soror Star says, "(I) You are the author of the only dictionary that defines (me) you."

Soror Steel
 

Not all those who give birth are good mothers... Not all mothers are ones who have given birth to children...

Biblically: "Bless you oh woman who has never felt the pangs of child birth!!! You will have more children who call you mother than those who have given birth!!!" I believe that is in Hebrews, but I could be wrong...

Spiritually: I know you girl!!! You are a BEAUTIFUL woman!!!

HAYLE!!! I'll just PM you!!!

Re: Soror Steel
 

How about this right here? This is pretty darn true for me! I have over 27 girls who call me ma, mommy, godmommy, g-ma, etc. here at the school. Who knew? This makes me smile. :)

Re: The ramblings of a single woman...
 

Skee wee Soror,
Did you get my pm?
SC

Re: Re: Re: My vent
 

Soror,
I love your sig! Yes, it was a good year.

I also agree that her friend had the right thing in mind by actively placing herself in a position to meet people (I believe that it's primarily a numbers game).

I am also broadening my horizons in terms of the men that I am willing to date now. He doesn't have to be a cutie, just attractive enough and well-groomed, and he can be in his mid- or maybe even late-thirties (I'll be 30 in July), no problem. The nerds are also welcomed. Girl, a sister is looking for STABILITY with a capital "S" and if he can provide that and treat me well then the other things don't matter as much anymore.

Also, wrt some of the content of the other posts, I would like to add that I don't necessarily think that older men have it like that to wait years and years either to have children. Personally, I am a little leery of having children with a man who is *much* older b/c I want him to be around to hopefully see that child graduate college, etc. So it's not always an older man's pick of the litter if other women feel this way as well.

SC

Re: PARADIGM SHIFT...
 

Soror, you are so on point with this!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I have had to do a paradigm shift as well. I gave up at least a handful of good guys over my 20's with good jobs (engineers, etc.) b/c they were not cuties (they were just ok). Heck, one guy I gave up and he was fine, an engineer, kind, honest, and patient, and loved me to death but he was 5'3 or so and I couldn't get with it at that time. That was a loss. However, I know that G-D had to work with me b/c I am a much better woman now then I was then and now really am beginning to understand what is important in life.

Thanks again for your insight,
SC

Re: Re: Re: Re: My vent
 

This is very true. I know a lot of men who are mid to late thirties and think when they get around 40...they can find a woman in her mid twenties that will be interested...while this may be ok for some...I want a husband that can get out there and play catch with my son (if I'm blessed with one) without being out of breath... I am not feeling dating someone 10-15 years older than me... A bruh i know is now 40 years old and wants to settle down and feels he can't find a good woman anywhere in sight....he says sure u can find a woman (he's in ATL) but whether or not you're compatible or she has too much baggage is a completely different issue...
I always hear men talk about the one that "got away" while they were playing the field and wasn't ready to settle down... I know another bruh who's been married almost 10 years...but still thinks of his college sweetheart VERY often...I think a little too often.... so from this perspective...the men aren't getting off with no consequences from the "waiting game" they often play...

I need to vent again
 

I hate dating. I think that's what I hate most about being single. Ok, let me clarify. I like to date, I think it's fun. What I hate is when it moves from more than just dating and friends to whatever is after that. Then the man gets to saying all types of isht. What I need is a class to teach me how to interpret the BS that some of these men spout. Because how can you tell what's real and what's not? And I thought women changed their minds a lot. Man, man, man. Men change their minds and then wonder how you got confused in the first place. BASTARD! :mad: I feel like I need a stenographer when y'all speak so that you can't say I got it twisted. I am so sick and tired of being confused and trying to figure it out. If I ask you a question, that means I WANT to know the answer. TELL THE TRUTH!!! Stop trying to spare peoples feelings. And if that's not what's up, then MAKE A FRIGGIN' DECISION. :mad:

I need to post those top ten cities for dating. Maybe we all need to relocate.

Re: I need to vent again
 

Hmmmm..........I came to realize that men and women just dont communicate well. We think we are sending each other mixed signals but to each gender it makes complete sense. I think we need to develop a UN translator for all of this dating stuff.

Ideal08 Post that List!
 

Ideal08,

I doubt I live in one of the top ten cities for dating but maybe I can go visit one of them for an extended weekend....

Re: Re: I need to vent again
 

THASSS FUUUNNNYYYYYY!!!!

Best cities for dating
1. Austin, TX
2. Colorado Springs, CO
3. San Diego, CA
4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
5. Seattle, WA
6. Charleston, SC
7. Norfolk, VA
8. Ann Arbor, MI
9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

Worst cities for dating
1. Kansas City, MO
2. Wichita, KS
3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
4. Detroit, MI
5. Louisville, KY
6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
7. Atlanta, GA
8. Pittsburgh, PA
9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC

WHEW! They ain't lying! Yall this city is only 8% black so if its THAT hard for the melanin-challenged, imagine what its like for sistahs! :( :eek: :(

Telling myself
God is forever faithful. Whomever He has for me is for me.....

I have got to call BS on this one. I'm a native of S.D. and split my time between "the O.C." :rolleyes: and San Diego. Not much pickings for sistahs, particularly those of us who are creeping on 40, as I've probably indicated in my earlier posts.

Re: I need to vent again
 

Soror Ideal--

I hate to say it, but if it ain't work or sports-related, then men do not make that much communcation attempts... Many of them are bruhs.

Lemme put it to you this way: Boys are taught to not share their feelings. To "share"--touchy feely stuh--your little feelings all bottled up inside you--just 'cuz--BULLISHT!!! Besides, folks begin to question their "manliness" and "preferences"... I wouldn't say 80% of men feel this way--more like 90% really do.

THEY JUST DON'T SHARE THAT WAY!!! NUNNA OF THAT DAYUM DR. PHILLE-TOUCHY CRAP!!! MOST MEN WANT TO JOIN THE NRA FOR THAT REASON, ALONE...

Prostelyzing is different. Dreaming about what it would be like in the future--you should see the responses. It does lead one to imply where a man's mind is... If he can't see himself in 2 minutes, how can he see himself in 2-5 years???

It is really easy to figure that chit out.

Now if he's convoluting the story--then SAWRAH--GWIRLFRIEND--he's got something to hide--AND usually it's BIG. Something you may not want to know...

Some men are "crafty"... Those are the one's you've got to watch your back and $$ on. They try to get you to tell them all kinna chit about yourself, including your credit card. Then they scam you and leave you hangin' high and dry.

Usually, I was so oblivious to those kinds of men that when they said some chit to me that didn't sound right--I was gone. Those type of men usually pick fights with you so that they can make themselves feel better for treating you like chit... Those men "MIND FCUK" many-a-woman...

To protect yourself from those types, you call their game... That's another post... For another day...

I haven't been to this thread in a good minute but let me tell you. My sisters who are single or better yet not married...enjoy your single years. I've been on all sides-the married & happy side, -the married & still lonely side,-the married & whateva side, -the single & lonely as hell side,-the single , dating & think I got me a good man this time side. so i tell you like Dave Chappelle imitating Rick James..."ENJOY YOURSELVES"

One of my boys from college lives up in Wichita. He says that the social climate is terrible. He is pretty much stuck there because of his job though.

Tell him I said "What's up". :D

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
no, for real. *lol*

Well he's not single. However, I could make a trip to Kansas if you'd like(just kidding)

If I had a dollar for everyone that I've "groomed", and they ended up not getting their shit together until they were with someone else........................:rolleyes:

I can tell you if you are a sistah, you are not gonna be spoken to in both these cities. You'd have a better chance in L.A. becoming a movie star and making trillions of dollars before brutha man gets the kahonnas to ask a "true" sistah owt...

I guess you need to add the best #3 and #5 to the worst...

The truism is that anywhere you go, there are good and bad parts of dating. Now, as sistahs, we don't have the luxury of men chivalarously chasing us down for a date. In fact, too many women out there throw themselves mercessily (sp?) on brutha man where only one component needs to have a thought process--and usually that just oozes out slimy stuff when up...

So for heterosexual African American women, if we choose to not cross the street, then how do you really attract the best and the brightest African American man that is not too much of a head trip?

Ok, I hope no one gets offended or anything, but I have noticed that within this last two weeks, I have had a gaggle of melanin-challenged men approach me. Fine ones at that.

Seriously though. It has me :confused: because this has never happened to me before. Are they reading this thread? *lol*

So my question to my single sistahs....would you consider "stepping outside the box"?

I've toyed with the idea. Talked to a Latino guy once. From that experience I gathered that a man is a man. I love my brothas, but if love comes in another package, I'm not about to send it back.

Honestly, (and my sister and I were contemplating the possible reason for this), I've noticed that since I've gone natural I've gotten more attention from non-AA men. Go figure! :confused:

HK74,
I've thought about it..and thought about it and just can't. BUt at the same time..its up to God...but I have expressed the desires of my heart to him...and I just pray he'll at least give me that LOL. Even with the finest men of any other race i.e. white or latino...I'm still not "really" attracted to them. Its just nothing like a brother in my opinion. I mean absolutely nothing. (Many white women agree with this ;) I know if I got with a white or latino dude..I'd be settling cause I'd feel I couldn't find a good brother. Maybe because I'm still 4 years away from 30 I am not as "pressed" and because I believe that who God has for me, is for me, regardless of what I do and think...so I could be singing a different tune after the age of 35 if i were still single...but i guess i'll have to see..;)

I was asked that question last night
 

I was out at dinner last night and was asked the question would I date someone outside of my race. At this point in my life, if love blooms with someone who isn't Black I'm not going to turn my back on it.....

Ditto, basically. Except I'm 30, and I'm still not THAT pressed. I, too, would feel like I was settling. And I'd always be ogling Black men and fantasizing about them. Oh, but I do that now. :p Holla at me in 5 years and see if I've changed my mind, lol.

Now, I will date non-AA men of color, meaning, still a part of the diaspora. AFRICAN diaspora. Let's be clear. :)

Sometimes you have to cross the street...
 

To get a little "me time"...

If anotha, otha than a brutha asks you out for a dinner and a movie date, you all had bedda take it!!! Cuz you'd be crazy not to!!! Then be stayin' home alone, wallowin' in your own misery left wonderin' why a brutha ain't called a sistah!!!

BELIEVE ME!!! Bruthas sho ain't waitin' on you all... They'll date AND be skeerioussss QUICK with anotha, otha than a sistah by the time I finish this post...

And I am not saying marriage... I am saying have fun! Think of it like "dating practice"--how to act during a date and conversationally. It's like "Continuing Datable Education" to keep you up to snuff on the "scene"--so that your playaz cards don't go defunct...

And to all my single sorors and sorority sistahfriends, you know you got to sell those tickets to y'all chapter events!!! Sell 'em to the folks you know will buy tickets!!! Some of these menfolks LOVE to support these kinds of dinners and luncheons...

HAYLE--you never know, sometimes these men purchase tables... :eek:

I love my friends to death, but if I hear one more time, "why didn't he call" I think I'm going to scream. This article came right on time and thought I'd share.

Zero Calls, And One Cruel Answer
Why Men Don't Phone: It's Not Him, It's You

By Roxanne Roberts
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, August 23, 2004; Page C01

It was a great date. He promised to call. He never called.

The average single woman will stare at the phone, willing it to ring. A long list of possibilities noisily circle through her brain, like a hamster on an exercise wheel: He lost my number. He's really busy. He's intimidated. I talked too much. I drank too much. I slept with him. I didn't sleep with him. Ei-yi-yi . . .

No, no, no. None of the above. The answer, according to author Greg Behrendt, is that he's not really interested. Doesn't matter why. No ego-soothing platitudes. No pop psychology. No cute relationship tricks. He's just not that into you. The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...r=emailarticle

When will women understand that they are really the ones that rule the earth - that have all the power - that control the minds - - -

I no longer agonize over the phone call. If he calls, great...if he doesn't that's cool. I am not about to worry myself to death waiting for some man to call me.

I wish I could read the entire article without having to register.

I loved that SITC episode where Berger told Miranda...he's just not that into you. I have had to remind myself of that to kept cool in certain situations numerous times. I can say that I don't care, or it doesn't matter, but even if I'm not actively staring at the phone willing 'him' to call, it might cross my mind a few times. I also remind myself of one of the rules on that list "75 things..." that "If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away" (paraphrased). It's true, I really believe that once I put myself out there and my intentions are clear, everything else is on you padna. :o