Love that verse :D

I am not sure that many people have the social skills to keep a romantic relatationship going for a long time. And I think the expectations are so much higher.

In the beginning everyone is on their best behavior, we are charming, clever, affable, and the men act romantically.

For most people thats an aberation to their everyday life. Much like people that are extremely nice at Christmas and not so nice the rest of the year.

In order to keep romance in a relationship you have to posses both excellent social skills and coping skills.

You have to be able to sustain a charming affable veneer the vast majority of time. In fact that has to be essentially who you are.

And you need to be kind of person that constantly does the little things that differentiate a love affair from other types of friendship.

Most people just aren't that way, so they allow the relationship to fall into a comfortable mediocrity punctuated by occassional attempts to "restore the passion" which means they make an effort to do what they should have never stopped doing.

That comfortable mediocrity is what most people call love.

Your coping skills rank right up with your social skills in importance. By coping skills I am referring to your ability to deal with the everyday upsets and stress common to life.

IF your coping mechanisms make you unhappy a significant portion of the time, or make you angry easy or in other ways make your partner's life unhappy . . . then you have become a stressor to your partner which erodes the romantic part of your relationship.

Seriously, the vast majority of people I know have no effective means of coping with stress, pressure, tension, life or whatever you want to call it.

So they act out in ways they are usually not aware of that slowly erodes their relationships because their partner picks up on the unhappiness and it makes them unhappy.

Ok I am kind off on a tangent . . . but I keep thinking that unless we start training people to deal with their own lives better, and then expand their social skills until they can behave towards people in a positive way that elicits the reactions they want; we are just going to have a lot unsuccessful relationships.

Unsuccessful if they leave, and unsuccessful if they stay.

And given that expectations are so much higher today . . . no matter how much people sugar coat, they will know in the deep dark sadness of their soul that their relationship is a pale imitation of the brightness and romance that they both desire and could possess if their life skills were a little sharper and their courage was a little greater.

:cool: :D

Amen!

So James, will you share some of the behaviors that are aligned with having coping skills? I hear you but it's kind of abstract. Can you bring it home for me?
SC

The only thing that keeps a marriage going!!!
 

COMMUNICATION!!!

Any questions?

The communication has to be both ways and it has to shared to make the communication work no matter how one feels. Sure, someone may need at least 24 hours to cool down or whatever. But once everything has cooled, then it time to resume the issue and not skirt it so that it will blow up all again.

Some of that is some internal work that each partner must do individually.

Then why would one want to marry an kniving [sp?], evil, punk-assed, silly stupid person...

And even from a Christian perspective, it is about being equally yolked... More than anything else. And it is about letting God provide. If God wants to provide you with a mate, then it will happen. But once you force it to happen, then that is really not of God. Always the "telltale" signs are there--something shady or flags are waving... Whatever it is, what else is God suppose to do to tell you NOT to be with this person?

For me, I waited until my mid-30's to get married my first time... And now, I am in my late-30's and may have missed out on having children because I waited for the best man for me--the one I sincerely and truly believe that God has set before me. There were plenty of other men before my husband, but all of the relationships that I had, I was forcing it to make it happen. I could have gotten married to a millionaire, a medical doctor, pilot or a corporate lawyer... But each "type" of guy, I knew... I just somehow knew that this man was not the one for me. My heart NEVER fluttered--no smile to my face when I "fathomed" these guys...

But when my husband came around, it was something about him, call it his character that instantly attracted me to him... As far as getting him to commit to me, that was what we both wanted at the same time. The whole relationship fell together. Sure we have our issues and sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. But, there are many ways to ensure the best communication between your significant other. And sometimes, it just may be silence with prayer...

^^^I'm not even married, but co-sign on communication. My parents have been married for over 30 years and communication is what they both maintain keeps it going. In any relationship, you have to be open and clear about your intentions, issues, etc. Games are for children, so when you become grown, stop playing them. Say what needs to be said and if he is not trying to hear it, keep stepping on to the next man who will. Stop trying to 'change' him into Mr. Caring. That's not your job.

Add 'not overanalyzing' to that too. Women ---especially--- get so caught up in trying to figure out 'why this, why that---just why?!' that we miss out on the reality of the situation we're in. Then we do dumb stuff like 'well, you know, he's a man. He's made to act that way, etc' and we don't consider what we may be doing to cause these actions. Or maybe we can't accept that it's not all men, it's this one mutha-effa who won't/can't act right and that we need to just move on.

Bottom line: All men don't cheat; your's did. All men aren't afraid of committment; your's is. All men aren't dogs; your's is. Hell, women are just as, and in many cases more so, doggish than men. It just depends on how the wheel is spun.

We will waste millions of dollars and time into trying to be psychoanalysts and miss out on the learning/loving experience of being in love/having a real. loving relationship. If you keep finding doggish men, chances are, the problem isn't the doggish men, it's you. Do something different.

enigma_AKA

aka_money and honeykiss....
 

WELL SAID!!

I COSIGN....

Re: Men and Committment (website of article's findings)
 

The website that details the findings based on the above article can be found here:

The State of Our Unions; The Social Health of Marriage in America