Tis cool. :) By HS, I was on my own. :)

Thank you for being so gracious about it.

I hope I'm not that kind of parent. I give my daughter the support to always do her best and try my best to let her deal with the consequences, good or bad. (She'll be in fifth grade next month.) Helicoptering, IMO, is when a parent tries to live the kids' life for them. Picking classes, picking schools, picking extra curricular activities, choosing roommates. Not letting the child live their own life and make their own decisions. My job now is to help my child learn how to make decisions and to walk her through the process if/when she gets stuck, not to do it for her. I help provide her with the tools to make sound decisions and live with the consequences. I am there to say, "watch out" and to pick her up when she falls.

That sounds like great parenting to me.

And just for those that feel like what we need to be doing is toughening up the next generation:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...oduces_nothing

I will relate a story about a TRUE helicopter mom I know, and the repercussions of her meddling.

This mom has a daughter who is beautiful, intelligent, talented athletically, the whole shebang! This mother rode that poor girl unmercifully all of her young life.

Despite NEVER making a B (she graduated with my son as one of the Vals), despite being recruited by a Big 12 school in her sport and getting a FULL athletic scholarship, despite being a leader at school and in the community, the poor girl could never measure up to her mother's expectations.

Couple that with the fact that this mom is known in the community for meddling at school - if the daughter got a reputed less than stellar teacher, she was up at the school requesting a change - and somehow, even though it is against school policy, she got it; if the girl got a bad grade, she was up there threatening the teacher (in middle school, she showed up at the HOME of one of the teachers!!); she was OVER involved with the sports teams that her daughter was on, clearly living out her fantasies through the daughter. OKAY - this is clearly a helicopter mom!

So, this daughter goes off to college - 1st time out of the blinding spotlight put on her by her mom. She is under tremendous pressure with her sport, she is having to deal with classes and practices and travel with the team, and all without the constant overbearing "guidance" of her mom.

What happens? She totally burns out... After the first semester, she decides she's had enough and quits school, comes home, but doesn't live with her parents, she stays with a relative. She has transferred to another college, quit playing her sport (which is truly a shame because she was a phenom), and is moving on with her life in different circumstances.

That is the definition of a helicopter mom gone wild, and the subsequent fallout of said behavior.

Wow. How sad for her.

I know a woman who told both her sons that she would pay for college as long as their degree wasn't in the college of Liberal Arts or that their degree didn't end in "ology". Which means: math, engineering, Accounting or Business. I think that's kind of helicopter-ish. I mean, we all know those folks end up with the money, but still I think you have to realize if you are right brain/left brain and go that direction.

That's exactly how my mom was.

Digression!

I've seen a lot of the "my parents want me to major in this" crap even at the HS level. My response to the student is usually something to the effect of "Are your parents taking the classes and doing the work for you too? No? Then choose the major that makes you happy or that you can channel into your interests." I'm not trying to undermine here, but I HATE it when people push stuff off on their kids because they want them to major in business/etc...I've met too many people who are unhappy in college because of parental expectations.

/end digression

:) Helicopter parents need to just stop.

I'm perfectly happy that my daughter is majoring in philosophy. Hey, I prefer the liberal arts - I figure that if my children learn to think and communicate, they can do almost anything they want.

That said, I am worried that I may have stepped over the helicopter line. But maybe not. Basically, my daughter hadn't replied to a text or a call for HOURS - and since this child keeps her cell phone on her at all times, I worried. And worried. And finally called the dorm, asking for then to just check on her, and tell her to call home.

Thank God, she had simply forgotten her phone. She is supposed to have a land line phone in her room, but hasn't gotten it yet. In my defense, I told her hey, I didn't call the POLICE. :rolleyes:

I'm new to all this - and at least, I tell myself, I questioned whether or not I was going too far, and have a sense of humor. Right? Right?

Sometimes new freshmen get so wrapped up in their lives that they forget to call home or even answer their cells. There is an unwritten rule about letting your freshman being the one to initiate all phone calls for the first month or so. When they want to talk, they will call. Otherwise, let them do their thing without them feeling they need to check in on a daily basis.

I told mine to call every Sunday. I was trying real hard to cut the apron strings b/c that's what the books all said to do, but in retrospect, I was/am jealous of the mom's who talked to their kids daily. I admit I did/do hover on the computer to catch them online so I could IM them.
Belle, you aren't a heli mom. With daughters, there is that whole safety aspect and running around in your brain is always the "date rape drugs" etc. to worry about. I bought mine a tiny personal alarm (very loud) for night walks on campus but she laughed and said she'd never carry it. grrrrr. H used his "Commander" voice (stern) and told her to carry it so I think she does now.

Belle, don't worry about that, all moms have the panic response when they don't answer. I have a couple of instances where I have done the "all night" didn't answer the text thing. It starts as an innocent call, then when no answer after repeated calls, I spiral into the planning the funeral thing:o

When my oldest was home for Xmas his freshman year, he didn't come home one night. I paced the floors, calling and calling his cell phone. I was never so happy in my life when I got a call around 4:30 that started like this - "You have a collect call from inmate (and then in his meek voice) - name inserted - if you choose to accept.....":eek: He had gotten an MIP and was in jail. I was SOOOOO happy he was in jail and not a hospital or in a ditch somewhere!!!

We moms are allowed to worry!!:)

Thanks, y'all.

I needed to coordinate with her about getting the parking permit taken care of, so she SHOULD have been expecting my call . . . and yes, the safety issue is always on my mind. She has her mace, her door jam, her personal alarm, and bag alarm - but even better, she's now running with a crowd of guys most of the time - her own bodyguards!:) ( Yes, she's been drilled in the whole "avoiding date rape/drugging" thing. She is under orders to use the Bobcat Bobbies escort service when flitting about campus at night.)

I would say that these parents are AMAZING EXAMPLES!

http://www.time.com/time/picturesoft...760625,00.html

I know this is going back a little ways, but I understand why, when you are eight years old, everyone on your soccer/basketball/t-ball/sport gets a trophy. The thing that has always bothered me is that my high school did the same thing with student council. After my freshman year, there were no elections or positions held for student council. You had to fill out an application and have a petition signed by the teachers. It usually wasn't a popularity contest as the "popular" kids were often not interested. This was started as someone's darling daughter was not elected by the body her freshman year. (my class) Few of us knew her and she only talked to her friends from middle school. Her mom called the principal, the vice principal of student life and the vice principal of academics to complain that her daughter was unfairly treated and that the system had to be changed. Helicopter much?

This is one place where it starts though. I can understand getting a certificate of participation, but trophies should go to the champions and runners-up. It waters down accomplishment for everyone to be rewarded.

Every parent I have a conference with is a helicopter parent.

So I have not finished reading the whole thread but my main comment is about the everyone gets a trophy thing and how its such bs. . . My sophomore year of high school our boys soccer team made it to the state championship and the regulation game ended in a tie. Instead of going to penalty kicks they just ended it and both teams were co-champions. . . The general feeling of the guys on the team that season was that being a co-champion was worse than not being champion at all. . . Apparently there were no penalty kicks because gosh for bid the goalie missed a kick and his team lost and that goalie went off and killed himself because he lost the game. . . (I wish that was an exaggeration but that was the reason we were given for no penalty kicks)

This makes me laugh, because I am the same way. It's funny, though, that I've become more lax with each kid. Oldest had to call when she arrived somewhere and left to come home when she first started driving and she still does it when she's staying here. Second was told to call but kept forgetting. Third one just turned 16 and he just disappears half the time. Who knows what will happen to the youngest. We may not even notice if he's gone.

Everyone was home this summer for the first time since oldest went to college, and I have to say that there is a peaceful feeling when you go to bed and you know everyone is safe at home. I think like most people, there are some things where I probably get too involved, but generally I did my school duty but was never one of those moms who was always at school. I wanted them to feel like school was their place, not mine. Then when you do come and help with a party, have lunch with them on their birthday or go on a field trip it's a special thing. Some people ate lunch with their kids every single day when my kids were in elementary school.

The real out of control parents are the ones who undermine other kids to make sure that their precious is always number one. In our life it's baseball dads...we know more than a few who are toxic.

I am right there with you. My daughter keeps her cell on her 24/7 and I expect that if I do text or whatever she will promptly answer because she always has. NOT that I am texting/calling everyday or evening, but when I do I assume that we will be able to have communication rather quickly. So one night I get a text from her and she is at a bar drinking. She had become separated from her friends and just thought she would send dear old mom a drunk text while she looked for her friends. Well, the anxiety meter started rising and I couldn't get back to sleep. So I text her back about 15 minutes later worried about how she was going to get home etc. She doesn't text me back....Anxiety meter surges upwards! I know that my daughter is drinking, she is alone, and drunk enough to want to text mom for no reason so I'm thinking her judgment is pretty obliterated at this point. My mind started racing, my heart started pounding, and my mind was creating worst case scenarios. I was absolutely heartsick and distraught for the next hour until I heard back from her and she was safe and sound in her apartment. At this point there was no hope of going to sleep so I baked some muffins instead....all because I got no response to a text message! The worrying never ends....

See, this is what absolutely slays me about this generation. Even if we had cell phones in my college days and even if I had consumed the equivalent of an entire brewery, I don't think I would EVER be sloshed enough to send my dad a drunk text. That concept is beyond baffling!!! The most I ever did was after college when I moved back home, I called them to let them know I was staying with a girlfriend - who was actually a boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure they knew this, but were fine with me not saying so (preferred it, I'm sure).

This was in the paper yesterday and I thought it was really pertinent.

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pitt.../s_588337.html

Well, this response came quicker than I anticipated but I did anticipate it. I would never go so far as describing my relationship with my daughter as best friends or close friends. However, we are very close as far as mother/daughter relationships go. I enjoy the fact that she actually enjoys spending time with me and is interested in what I am doing and loves to share parts of her life with me. When she comes home for holidays she makes it a point to spend most of her time with her family, and not to be one of those kids who is home but never home. Is there something wrong with a parent and child enjoying each others company? So she sent me a text..big deal. This does not make her a co-dependent latent adolescent. The point was that one little text turned into an hour of anxiety and a night of muffin baking all because I, like most parents probably, started to imagine the worst case scenario when I didn't hear from her. I understand that you aren't able to talk with your parents about your private life, I'm the same way with my parents. The thing is, I always wished that I was able to talk with my parents about things that I was doing, things that were bothering me, or choices that I was faced with. While you may look at it as a way that it grew your independence, I always took it as more indifference to me and my life and that is why I never would have texted my parents, I just didn't think they cared enough.

I just got off the phone with a parent of one of my students (college student, mind you). She's upset because her son cannot get a job because he doesn't yet have his degree. And he doesn't yet have his degree because I won't change his grade.

Of course, her little angel won't approach me about this because he knows I won't change his grade (because he didn't do the work). But, he's convinved Mommy that I'm a big fat meanie who enjoys preventing college students from graduating.

Thank God for FERPA. And thank goodness my department chair is not phased by heli-parents.

While this clearly isn't a definition of a heliparent, I'd say she's a pretty good example of one.

Eh - I would go so far as to say that my mom and I were best friends. Which was awesome - because she COULDN'T heli-mom me. Friends don't take care of your business for you. She used to give me advice then let me figure it out on my own.

My dad, on the other hand... well since my mom passed on, he doesn't realize that sometimes I just need to vent to someone that's older and can give advice. When mom was alive, I used to call her to vent and she'd give me fixit ideas, I used to call dad if it was a last resort and I needed him to fix something (along the lines of "I don't have this this or this information for this form what is it?" or "I'm $40 short for this or that thing that I need, can you send some money?").

So, I was having problems with registration my last fall semester of grad school, after my mom passed, and I called him to vent about it and see if he had any ideas, and he offered to CALL THE REGISTRAR'S OFFICE.

What?! Simmer the eff down, Dad, I am 23 years old I don't need my daddy to go down and "straighten out" the registrar. I'm more than capable of sticking up for myself.

And then I realized - thank God mom was there when I was growing up. Had my dad been on his own I probably still wouldn't know how to wipe my own butt.

I didn't mean the article was pertinent to YOUR SITUATION PERSONALLY....I meant it was pertinent to the thread in general. Sorry you misinterpreted.

I knew darned well my parents weren't indifferent. I just continue to be amazed at the degree of involvement parents today have in their kids' social lives - things like drinking and sex, that is - with the kids themselves initiating much of it. There were always parents like this, but nowadays it seems the rule rather than the exception. I'm not saying it's good or bad - it just is very, very odd to me, the same way television was very, very odd to 80 year olds in 1950.

Gotcha!:)

I have no idea why my kids feel like they can open up to me about private matters..I have no parenting ideology to share and I don't think that it is something that I cultivated intentionally. My feeling is that sex is so pervasive in the media that teens do not feel that it is a taboo or awkward subject like it used to be when I was growing up. I think that I feel more awkward talking about it than they do! And I have another hunch that I am going to put out there: kids lives are far more an open book than they used to be in the days before the internet, AIM, and Facebook. With all of this comes the ability for gossip, lies and secrets to be exposed and spread with lightning speed. Did you ever have a good friend betray you somehow via AIM? Ouch. IMHO parents provide a stable force that kids can count on, always there, always loving no matter what. I did some stupid things when I was a teen and in college but they weren't blasted all over the internet via Facebook pictures or heaven forbid Juicy Campus. Perhaps kids talk with their parents more now about personal matters because they know it won't be spread via AIM or other means. Am I making any sense or just rambling....I have a cold and I feel like I may be rambling:o

Exactly. My mom knew more of my secrets than my very best friends that were my age - just because I knew she'd never tell another living soul (not even my dad!).

Ahh, a pertinent article on MSN today.
When Employees Bring Mom and Dad to Work

No matter how old you are, your parents will always view you as their little boy or girl, their responsibility. And to some extent you'll always feel like a child, whether or not you want to. But isn't there a line drawn at work's door?


Mixing parents and your professional life was unheard of once upon a time. You went to your parents for guidance, but in the end you made your own decisions about your career. Your boss was just a name your parents knew when you griped about your job, but they never met each other. Now, many young workers not only want their parents involved in their careers, they also want their bosses to welcome the whole family with open arms.

Read the rest here:http://msn.careerbuilder.com/custom/...274994534-JS-5

Great article from CNN..

Go here: http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/famil...nts/index.html

Read the comment from the college professor. Are parents really doing that? Wow.

That's one of the craziest things I've read. I can't begin to imagine my reaction if someone I made an offer to told me they had to run it by their Mom & Dad first...

Wait, I retract that. Yes, I do. I'd pull the offer immediately.

I lolled at the kids and parents who are gang-bangers. I assume that isn't in Mt Pleasant, PA. Don't you love when people make comments that have nothing to do w/ the article? (although the helicopter gangbanger mom sounds like the latest reality show on E!).

Unfortunately, yes. And even more unfortunately, they're doing it more and more as time passes, and administrators at some universities are not doing enough to stop it.

I'm a huge supporter of FERPA, if for no other reason than it allows me to cite a policy when explaining why I won't discuss little angel's grades (or attendance, or class participation) with anyone other than little angel him/herself.

Really, it's getting out of hand. University administrators have better things to do than field calls and unannounced visits from unhappy parents. It's college, for crying out loud; let your child practice being an adult! :mad:

Yes, yes, yes! I agree 100%. My friend who works at USC now hates heli-parents more than ever. She could regale us all with tales that would turn your toenails.

ETA Can we sticky this article in the recruitment section?

Here you go folks... I will be taking your checks today!!! LOL!!! :D

I know many a friend who accidentally drunk dialed their parents during school. It was always a good laugh. The drunk text, though, only came about at the tail end of college.

When I was an undergrad, I was in a meeting with a professor when he got a call from one of the student's parents. It was around paper time, and the parent wanted to know why their kid couldn't get an extra extension. It shocked the heck out of me, but the professor wasn't surprised. He had gotten several similar calls.

When I'm a parent, I hope to God I'm never like that.

I found this on the collegeboard website (surfing for the next SAT test date for junior son - last go round THANK GOD).

Thought y'all might find it interesting. I took the quiz and got "Stay the Course" meaning that I had a "healthy degree" of involvement. Some of the questions were illuminating, such as, "Do you meet with the guidance counselor without your child?" I don't even know who the guidance counselor is :rolleyes:



http://www.collegeboard.com/parents/...dy/155044.html

I took the quiz as well.

"Stay the Course: Your level of involvement seems to indicate a good balance between your child's responsibilities and decisions, and your advice and guidance."

Oh No!! I need to get more involved! It says my child could benefit from me talking to their high school college counselor. Ummm, about what? My kids pretty much have it under control.
Dang, I can't win....