To Payroll: I want all of my dayum money, PRONTO!!!!!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

To my Mr. Bigg Why do you lie all the dayum time. Everytime i ask you a question why is the first word out of your mouth "umm?" For real I am sick of tired of this isht! If only i had the balls to say this to your face. Dayum. I hate the fact that I love you. But i love the fact that I hate you. Aint that some mess!

Whew im really starting to hate the Y-chromosome:(

well
 

To my current man::o *SINGING*I HATE U.... Why have u f'ked up my life for these past 2 yrs....I gave u all of me and u just treated me like i was a 2dolla hoe. I am a good woman so why cant u love me like i need 2 be..*u tell me u love me but u show me something else..*

2 my sista n law...grow up and be a WOMAN..its past time

2 whoeva killed my cousin:F u with all that is in me

2 my cousin Shon:..i love u soo much and i will always remember u!!

2 her children:....i love u and i will always be here 4 u..

2 my momma...i love u..thanx 4 being my rock

2 THE MAN UPSTAIRS...:confused: HELP ME UNDERSTAND

..BE BACK LATA.....

To: The 6'3, 220-250lbs, chocolate or light brown, single, Christian, black, employed male: I'm here, I'm available, I'm educated, I'm employed, I have no kids, I am responsible and many have said that I am attractive. So, please come find me, call me, move to my city or just appear from no where. For the Love of God WHERE ARE YOU?!?:mad:

Ok i just had a moment. Im cool now:o

**going back to dealing with sorry Bigg****:(

Dear DSTinguished1,

Maybe my mind is in the gutter, it wouldn't surprise me because it usually is...but did you mean to put that many asteriks after 'bigg'? If so, maybe that's why you hate him so good! :p

Sincerely,
Me

HAHAHAHAHA LOL!!!!!! U silly. I call him Mr. Bigg after the character on "Sex In The City." I don't know if you are familar with the show, but he was Carrie's "on and off" boyfriend.

U silly that asteriks wasnt on purpose.:D

Girl, trust...I know about Mr. Big, I have one of my own. I looooooove SITC. I was just messin' with you. It's really a shame how quick I was like Big**** :eek:!!!

CTFU!!! :D:D

To "F" at Payroll: R.I.F. - Reading is Fundamental.

WTH did you tell me on yesterday that my name wasn't on the list?? Then when I come back upstairs today, someone else was able to spot my name on the list in less than 10 seconds.

You are soooooooo incompetent it's a dayum shame!!!!! On top of that, you are soooooo full of bad attitude. Having a bad attitude should apply only to those who KNOW WTH THEY'RE DOING!!!!!!

:mad: :mad:

To my co-worker: That skirt you had on yesterday was SOOOOOOOO not cute on you!!!! A mini, pink, ruffle skirt is never ok to wear in any situation, especially not at work!!! People like you give "casual attire" a bad name. Another thing, just because they make it in your size doesn't mean that you should buy it!!! I'm not a small person myself, but I do know how to dress appropriately in the workplace. If you decide to bless us all and wear that mess again, please do something about your panty lines..... um yeah, unfortunately for me, saw that too!

To other co-workers: Um, do ya'll know what business casual means? If not, look it up, ask somebody, do something but some of ya'll don't have a clue about how to dress for work. I know I'm new an everything, but dannnnng! No wonder we can't have dress down Friday's.

Dr J: Why don't you have any 'If I ruled the world' t-shirts in a medium?? Everyone is not x-small or x-large. And if I ruled the world it would be a better place. I just want to communicate that to everyone else...

My cell phone: You are so little you make my hand cramp when I talk on you. Would you be mad if I traded you in??

Lifetime: Sometimes I want to see a happy movie. Why is someone always being stalked, beaten, molested, murdered?? Can Saturday afternoon ever be peaceful...

My hair: I've tried sooo very hard to resist from putting the devil (relaxer) back into your precious space but I'm not sure if I can hold out any longer. Give me a sign to let me know you will work with me in our journey for chemical freedom. It's been some time now and I know we can pull through this if we just work together.

TheEpitome1920

Hilarious!!!!

DOUBLE HILARIOUS!! TRUST ME, i've BEEN THERE. BUT UNFORTUNETLY i SUCCUMB TO THE CHEMICALS. :(

To my cell phone: Why won't you work?

To Cingular: I have now confirmed that my cell phone is defective. So simply give me a different cell phone tomorrow and we won't have any problems. Thanks!!

to Him: I am trying to be patient. its hard when I see my friends buying houses, buying new cars, finishing grad school and i am not. help me to learn to be patient and to do things on YOUR time, not mine.

to b: girl, why are you not listening to me? keep it up and you might not make it to the first grade?

to s: i'm glad that your friends from home are visiting, but i feel a little weird that i cant meet them. that makes me feel not so hot.

to m: the things you've said to me are not easily forgivable, that is why I am keeping my distance from you. I refuse to be made to feel bad b/c you didnt live your life for yourself and i am. get over it.

to summer: why did you have to pass so freaking quickly?! :mad:
come back!!!!

to my financial plan: you are now in full effect.

to my HC crew: I miss you all!!! I hate doing work at work.. lol.

Public Service Announcement
 

To all the men that ride the NYC subways:

For the last time-deoderant is NOT a four letter word. As we embark on more hot/humid dog days of summer this week if one more man squeezes his funky behind next to me without the benefit of some antipersperant I will not be held liable for my actions!

If I pull out a can of right guard and ask you to raise your arms don' t say you weren't warned!:mad:

I am trying soooo hard. But I want my hawaiian silky look BACK!!!

*looks to sistas for some intervention*

Dear Houston, Texas
I will miss you so much. Whoever wants to leave this wonderful place called Houston. Chacho's nobody makes a better fajita meat quesodilla then you. Frenchy's who will I get to make my fries the way you do? Ohhhh and how can I forget you Whataburger? What can I say you brought me through many a greedy binges with that #6, Whatburger. Max's, Luv Shack, and Main Event I will miss yall the most. Where else can I get in FREE and pay $2 for drinks. I mean c'mon now. DC never ever ever plays the music I want to hear. Those clubs make me want to commit social suicide and stay home. Which I end up doing!! How will I hear my favorite songs? I mean can I bunny hop, josephine johnny, walk like ronald, do my jiggalator, or shake it like a dog in DC? NO!! Oh yes and who can forget the men who never fail to treat me AND my friends like queens. Oh but Houston don't fret come December some wonderful company will offer me a full time position. I can just feel it.
Your whining Texan,
The Truth

To M: So we both know that this new telephone incentive plan was roled out just for me. Like it's totally my fault that the patients are not coming in:rolleyes: So this is your insurance to get rid of me. If I can't get the mininium, then something must be wrong with me. You said that you had to see a huge improvement and if I can't meet the mininium, I'm out the door. Even if I did everything right and they are still not coming in, it's not my problem. Not going to beg them to come in. You are such a tab (trifling a$$ binch)

To GE: Months and months have gone by and you have not sent one letter. Now all of sudden, I get this letter saying that I owe. I was paying you all along, but you stopped taking my payment. You'll get your money. Trust. Dealing with you was the worst mistake I have ever made.

Re: Public Service Announcement
 

I co-sign on this one.

YEAH. What she said.

To JB : Yeah uh...you and the black jokes, not funny. I can let most things roll off of my back, but you are just begging to be mollywhopped. If your little jokes were even a little funny and not completely asinine, I might cut you some slack. But they're not. I don't know who lied to you, but knowing 2 Black people does not make you an honorary Black person. Slow your role blondie, or I'm gonna have to revoke that ghetto pass you gave yourself.

To my apt complex : What exactly does flooding mean to you? When I told you that my apt. was flooding, your maintenance man told me to put some towels down, there ain't that many towels on the planet you wankster! Quit patronizing me, and come over here and do your job! I swear, calling you people stupid would be an insult to stupid people everywhere. The next time I see a flood on TV, i'll just call CNN and tell them to tell those poor people to put some towels down.

If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any.

To my old boss Damon: I am so glad that I saw you today with your fine self. I swear, if you didn't marry that chick....dang!!

To Aramark: I have worked for you for over a year now...when am I going to get my raise (thats not 3%) or get my student mgt. position???

To Papi: I hate that you put X Box live before ME! Oh you know better. Now I am ready to settle down and have my babies. Why you keep playing? We picked out the ring, so do your job homie!

To these spiders: I know one thing, if you don't get up and out my apartment, I am going to bust some caps in your a$$. I don't care how big or how little.:mad:

TO CT4:
STOP SCREENING YOUR CALLS AND PICK UP THE DANG PHONE!!! You know my number comes up private when I call from work!!! :mad: I'm callin you back in 10 minutes heffa!

Edited because I just realized you are still at work...my bad! :p

LMAO

Bill (coworker): PUH-LEASE don't tell me how bad McDonald's is for me when you have a pack of Camel in your shirt pocket, and I walk by you and you smell like you just left R. J. Reynolds!!!! :mad: At least I'm not sucking down a Big Mack every half hour. . .

Mr. Keyes: GO BACK TO THE HOLE YOU CLIMBED OUT OF. You will NEVER beat Barack! You have never been elected to an office in your own state. What makes you think you can come to ILLANOIZE and win??

DirecTV: I'm about to pull a Donald Trump on your behind (You're Fired!) How the heck are you going to disconnect my service for nonpayment after we haven't have service for almost a month??? We owed a whopping $48.00 before the service call fees. We pay close to $100 each month (before all of them dang-on sports packages that my husband insists on getting!) and have been customers for over 6 years. That's how you treat loyality? I tell you what, Comcast is looking mightly good, especially since they are offering $400 to "ditch the dish". Don't try me! :mad: :mad:

Mr Eclipse: I know you want to see your beloved Bengals, but these folks are working my nerves! How 'bout I agree to keep you so busy on Sunday afternoons you don't think about the Bengals??? :D

TonyB06: Shut up!!!! :p

To Eclipse: OH MA LAWD!!! :eek: :o :eek: :o

E, I ain't gettin' ready to argue with that! I love my Bengals too, but ain't a football team on this planet or the next that can compete with uhm, err, good family bonding time :p

...but let my man come up for air once the playoffs arrive, ok? :cool: :p :cool:

CT4 & TonyB06: How are both of you gonna quote me??? Dang.... ((adjusting my halo) LOL

To my new boyfriend (or thingy as I call him at this moment) Though we have known each other for years, doesn't mean you start neglecting your duty! Call a sista or leave me alone!!:mad:

To my associate publisher Stop being so dang nosey! Its bad enough you scare away everyone who wants to stop by my cube to say hi and that your beedy eye burn into my skull, but my desk is my domain! You are the reason, why I keep it a mess.

To my *beloved* coworkers Don't be watching me like a damn hawk. Just because I am quiet doesn't mean, I am up to something.

To all y'all LAST MINUTE, THINKIN' YOU GON' GIT IN THE CLASSES YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT 'EM students:

GET THE FREAK AWAY FROM MY DOOR! I will not move any faster because you're sitting there! On the contrary! And for the love of all that's good and pure, please have your $%&n registration form filled out WITH YOUR STUDENT NUMBER ON IT!

And next semester, don't wait until the week before classes start to register! Classes DO fill up!

To my daddy~

YOU DA MAN AND I AM LOVING YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! You TOLD the Manly Beast (for those of you who don't know Manly Beash = his wife) to get her CHIT, get out, and leave your key on the table!!! Hot diggitty dog....you done the darn thing.

Manly Beast~ I told you don't F with me or my baby. I told you that you better recognize.......who the REAL loves of daddy's life were but you didn't listen.....So hit the road jack...don't comeback no more no more Hit the road Jack!!!

Mommy~ It was so good to see you this weekend. I know dealing with Breast cancer and the chemo treatments aren't easy but you look good with you little bald head! Work it Momma Work it!

Grandma~ It has been 1 year since you left me to be with Lord and your husband........It has been rough without you but I can finally appreciate that you are in a better place. As long as I know you watch over me and Tez daily and your memories lay forever in my heart....I am determined to press my way and make it to join you and Grandpa one day. You two were the apples of my eye and I love you and Grandpa so much.

To Pastor D. Darrell

Church was SO GOOD yesterday! You had the Holy Ghost fire. Thank you for being a true man of God. Thank you for not being a shady pastor. Be safe on your trip to London, and congratulations.

To my husband

I really love you. That is all.

To my momma

This whole "re-marriage" thing has not been the easiest thing for me to swallow (though I have been a trooper and kept that from you). It is difficult mainly because I am not overly fond of your choice of future husband. I don't understand why he would tell you that my brother & I are ghetto. On the contrary, I always thought I was a little too prissy for my own good. I don't understand his comment. And why would he tell you that? Didn't you raise us? That wasn't a compliment to your child rearing skills as far as I'm concerned. But I digress.
I'm so glad that you were surprised at your bridal shower on Saturday. I wish you all the best. I love you, and I want you to be happy. If he's the one that makes you truly happy, then I will attempt to welcome him with open arms.
P.S Thank you for waiting until we were both grown and out of the house before you started dating again. Many mothers don't have that presense of mind, and end up putting their daughters in a bad predicament. I love your love, your street-smarts, your knowledge, your wisdom, your sense of humor, and your committment to your family. I love you, lady.

To My sister in law

:confused:
How are you gonna ask my husband if your kids can come back next summer??? Didn't you get the memo? YOU HAVE BURNED THAT BRIDGE BEYOND REPAIR!!!! Unless I get a word from the LORD, the next time your kids will see Chicago is when they get grown.
What kind of mother are you? Those kids have barely been home two weeks, and you're already trying to set up a place for them to go next summer? Wouldn't most mothers be so happy that their children are home, that they wouldn't even be able to imagine sending them away again so soon? But not you, huh? You're a different kinda mother, aren't you? If you weren't so pathetic, I would find you almost funny.
GROW UP!!!
And in case you didn't get it, the answer is a loud, and resounding...NO.

To my Aunt Glo

You really looked out on my mother's bridal shower. Thank you so much. You really helped her to have a wonderful time, and I really appreciate that.

To Calz Pizza:

Why are you so cheesy and hot and tempting? Why? I have a figure to maintain dang it!

To Carlos @ Time Warner Cable: I should have known you were trouble when I first called today.

Me: Hi, I want to get rid of Showtime and HBO.
Carlos: Okay. May I ask why?
Me: I want to lower my bill.
Carlos: What channels do you want to add in their place.

(ME THINKING TO MYSELF, if I add more channels then I cannot lower my bill, now can I)

Then Carlos proceeded to offer me the Analog package without telling me price first or confirming if I really wanted Analog or explaining differences between analog versus digital. Then told me he was transferring me to the billing dept. Then I see that my cable has been disconnected. My cable and cable modem were disconnected for 5 hours because of dumb azzzzzzzzzzz Carlos. I swear I want to beat you.

To Time Warner Cable: FIRE CARLOS!!! :mad:

To dude I was transferred to who helped me: Thank you so much for helping me especially after I yelled at you. Thank you for calming me down.

To G-Ma SavvyDiva: You KNOW I love you, you know that right? But if you send me one more batch of forwards I will really walk to Baltimore and break your dang keyboard. You had the wrong email addy for like what 3-4 months? I just sent you the correct email addy the other day and WHY did I have 14 emails this morning and 10 of them were BS forwards from you? I really dislike BS forwards...more than I dislike the penis enlargement emails. Please stop this...

To FK adn PC First and formost, I thank GOD for puting you both in my life. We have only known each other for a little over a year and I feel like I've known you both all my life. I can not believe you both would hook a sista (and her Soror and brother) up like you have. It goes without saying that there is nothing I wouldn't do for either of you. I can not fully express the gratitude I feel. I want to thank you both so much. I will probably continue to thank you both for a long time. I look forward to hanging and bonding with you guys when I get there. I feel like I need to take another weekend just so we can really have some fun in the windy city.

Know you are so gotten come MLK weekend. It's on and poppin' :D

To YOU: I cannot BELIEVE I just got waken up from out of my sleep for you to get a piece of cake. If the cake was soooooo good like you say today, why didn't you find a way to package it and take it with you on Sunday? THENNNNN, you get huffy when I've give a big azz chunk to my best friend. Talking 'bout you said you were gonna come back and get it. SINCE when do you keep your word? I mean, this is a new concept that I'm struggling with, I'm not used to this new you. LMAO I didn't know, I was just trying to get rid of the cake. LMAO @ you for taking the cake all mad and stuh, that was funny. You need a hug. That's funny. What won't be funny is if you break my plate!!!!