That's what I'm saying, I don't think this is always something you CAN work out or change about yourself, anymore than you can change the color of your eyes. The separate accounts thing has its merit, yes, but you can't tell me that if a hubby overspent and had creditors that his wife wouldn't try to help him in some way.

You can think you're "communicating" and talk about it and work out a plan...but that can go right out the window. Like I said, too many people think "if we talk it out and love each other enough we can make it work" and that's just not always the case, even if both parties really want to and really try. I feel the same way about sex, FWIW.

Oh I would never deny that, with any of the three, sometimes it just can't be worked out. I'm just saying that nothing can be worked out without communication, by which I mean honest, two-way communication. That's why I say it's the most important.

and again - I think we are answering 2 different questions. I am answering what I think causes the most divorces. You are answering what's the most important in a relationship. The 2 are not necessarily the same answer.

FWIW, most divorce recovery therapists would answer that both communication and finances are the main causes of divorce. Even when there's a catalyst such as an affair or abuse, it's the way that the couple handles the communication and financial aspects that are the proof of the pudding. Only the death of a child is more critical to a marriage, in the long run.

Maybe, or maybe it's tomato/tomahto. I agree the original question wasn't that clear, although she asked "what's most important to you."

But sorry, I'm not willing to give completely. I think that if the question is what causes the most divorces, while finances may be the answer most often given (I wonder, is it?), communication is still often (not always) just as much a reason as finances, if not a more fundamental one.

What we have to realize with communication is men and women communicate differently. A lot of times women want their men to communicate the same way they communicate with other women and vise versa. Women enjoy the process of reaching a goal, while men want to get the goal as soon as possible, forget the process. Though men and women are different, we are yet the same. The same time, effort, and attention it took for a man to date his significant other long term is the same he needs to keep her feeling secure and happy within the relationship. Communication is meant to be a blessing in a marriage, not a torment. I believe conflicting expectations are the source of most unhappiness in marriage. With that said, what it boils down to is through sickness and in health, for richer and/or poorer, rather it's based on finances, communication or sex, marriage requires devotion and a mature ability to commit when it's the last thing you want to do.

When seen through the eyes of love, communication is the lifeline for any marriage. Period.

Communication. If we can't communicate about the good, bad and ugly, then what is the point of staying in a relationship?

What works for me and Mr. Nikki1920 is remembering that we communicate differently and that that's ok. We areboth very careful to discuss things in a way so that the other person can understand what we are saying. Our fights came up when one of us was simply trying to get a point made without thinking of how the other person would receive it.

I guess I should have made it more clear. I was asking what do you think the most important component is to a happy and successful marriage. I was asking because I was just wondering why so many marriages end in divorce with finances being the number one cause of it. I know communication keeps coming up and I agree, it is very important. Now, is it possible to have great communication, but at the same time live check to check struggling to make ends meet? I think that would cause a serious problem.

When they say finances, I don't think they necessarily mean that they are struggling to make ends meet. I think, more often, it's how they are making decisions about HOW they spend their money, not whether they have any money or not. For example, if there is always money for the big screen TV, the golf leagues (3 at one time) or the new car for the husband, but then, when the kids need clothes, the husband says "We can't afford it" or when the wife charges diapers because the cash was all spent on golf, and the hubby yells about the use of the charge cards, it's a problem, even if you make more than enough to support a family between the two of you. So, the problem is perceived to be finances but isn't the real issue communication?