need some advice....

[jtrain12]

Alright so I am a sophmore transfer to a large (30,000) state school. I have always been sort of indifferent towards the greek system. My dad was greek, and he still maintains contact with his brothers and he is still involved in his local chapter, although he has said that the greek system has "its positives and negatives." I never got involved in the greek system at my old school, becasue first semester I wanted to get used to the new school, and 2nd semester, I was 99% sure I was not going to be back the next year.
Since my new school has a housing problem, I am not living in a dorm, but off campus, so it is somewhat difficult to meet people. So I decided that trying to join a fraternity would be a good way to meet people, among other things. I went to the greek fair at my school, and took a couple of flies and gave my numbers to some of the fraternities that I found interesting.
The next day was when all the fraternities had their open houses. I had five houses in mind that I wanted to visit. The first one that I visited just happened to be the one closest to where I am living. I spent alot of time there talking to the brothers and getting to know them and what the fraternity was all about, and I felt really good about that fraternity. I learned that they required at least 12 credits in order to pledge, which gave me an advantage over the freshmen. Upon leaving, they invited me to a party they were throwing that night, and to tailgate with them at the footballgame the next day. After that, I visited the other houses that I was interested in. One of them didn't seem very interested in talking with the rushees, while the others didn't feel like as good as a fit as the first one. That night, I went to the party of my first choice frat, had a good time, and felt even better about it.
At the football game the next day, I got to meet even more brothers (there are 70 in all), and talked with both the president and the rush chair, which I felt like I created a good rapport with them. After spending more time getting to personally know more of the brothers, we went to the football game, had a good time, and then went to a party they were throwing that night. It was much of the same, talking with the brothers I had already met, and getting to know the other ones.
The following night was another party. It was much of the same thing, however, when I was talking to one brother about the whole rush process and about bids and that sort of thing, he said to me, "you seem like a good guy, so you should have no problem getting a bid." After that, I felt very good about the frat, I felt like a fit in and got along with the brothers, and as if it was only a matter of time until I got a bid. This was only furthered the next day when one of the other brothers whom had befriended me early on invited me to lunch with himself and another brother. He then invitied me to lunch at the house the next day. However, I wasnt able to make it as I had a meeting which ran longer then I thought, which I told him about and appologized for.
Later that day there was a scheduled rush event which was billiards and wings at this pool hall which was about a 20 minute drive from campus. Two brothers drove me, one of which was the one who had befriended me. The rush event went pretty well, more socalizing with the brothers and meeting new ones. However, after about two hours there, the brother who had driven me told me that we were leaving, along with another rush who didn't really seem to be talking with anyone. This was my first sign of worry. If they wanted me to join, then why would they be asking me to leave?
My worries continued until the next day, when I ran into two of the brothers at seperate times, one of which was the fraternity president. They both invitied me to a party that they were having. My worries went away, as I felt if the fraternity president is inviting me to a party, then I must be in good shape. However, when I was at the party, I noticed that some of the brothers who I had grown clsoe with didn't talk to me as much as that weekend. They wereent being mean, but I guess it was more of the cold shoulder thing. A couple of the other brothers talked to me, and asked me various questions, like "why do I want to join this frat?", which I felt I answered well. Regardless, I left that party very concerned about my bid chances, much more so then the night before.
The next night was another official rush event. They would be watching the NFL season opener at the frat house. Although this was an official rush event, no one called me about it, which concerend me. Regardless, I went, and it was the same sort of thing as the night before, and the brother who had befriended me seemed to not be talking to me with. I played it off by thinking that they just wanted to get to know the other potential rushees, but by that time i was very very worried.
The next day was Friday. I knew that they would be throwing a party, but they did not tell me the address the night before. No problem, I thought, they will call me. However, it got later and later, and no call. I debated about wether to call someone and ask about it, but I knew that I couldnt make a good impression if I wasnt there. Finally, I bit the bullet and called the brother who had befriended me. He told me the place and time. I went there, and although it was not as good as the previous weekend, it went better then the previous three nights. During that night, I talked to someone who had already gotten a bid, and he told me that I should talk to the rush chairman and president and tell them that I really wanted a bid, and that it was very important to me. Well, I didn't get a chance to talk to either of them that night, so I told the brother that had befriended me that I really wanted to be in the frat, and that it was very important to me. He kind of gave me this sad look, and said, yea, I know man, which didnt exactly make me feel good about my odds.
The next night was the same thing. No one called me, so I ended up calling a brother (different one). At first he told me they werent having that night, but then he gave me the place and time. I figured that this was my last chance to do something, so I made a point to talk to the rush chairman and the president at the advice that I had been given the night before. By this point, I was feeling really bleak about my odds to get a bid, but I figured that if I didn't do something about it, then i would regret it. I talked to the rush chairman, who gave me a "cool man, we'll talk later!" which accomplished nothing. The fraternity president, though, I was actually able to have a real conversation. He told me that he wasnt sure if they had made a final decision on the bids, because he didn't really talk about it with the rush chairman. I knew that the invite dinner was on Monday, so I asked him if somebody would tell me if I would be invited either way, which he said they would.
Well, you can guess what happened. I wasn't invited, and I was not called either. It didn't really suprise me, because of they way things had unfolded. but I kept wondering what it was that occured. Only a couple of days before, it seemed imminenet that I would get a bid, and now, nothing. It dissapointed me because I felt like I was a really good fit in that fraternity. I still may re rush in the spring, but right now, I am just not sure, as I am too down about this. If anyone who knows a little more about this could give me some insight, it would be really helpful for me!

[LatinaAlumna]

I'm sorry, jtrain. You really wanted to be in this organization. I don't have much insight for you, but I do think you should try again next semester, and look into the other fraternities on your campus. Perhaps you can use this time to do some research on your options and prepare yourself for another try.

[jwsteele]

That's never a fun position to be in...as a fraternity member myself, I can tell you that every year a rushee will meet guys that he really gets along with early on in the rush process who vouch for him and get him feeling confident. However the next set of actives he meets don't feel he's as good a fit for whatever reason (and this doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you...in my chapter we cut several rushees that are great guys because we know they wouldn't fit in as well as the others). The one thing that the chapter should have done is let rushees know when they had stopped considering them because that would have let you look at other options.

It's never fun but I would consider looking at other fraternities next semester. You seem to have a pretty good grasp on reading people's thought processes regarding rushees (sometimes rushees have no gauge at all on how excited the chapter is to have them or if the chapter is unimpressed) so I would say for this semester meet fraternity guys, go to parties, get involved on campus, meet girls and get good grades. Often times rushees who didn't get their first choice in the fall have a very good grasp of where they are going in the spring because they will meet guys from the fall pledge class who will introduce them to older actives, etc. Keep several options open and be realistic about what chapters you will fit into. I almost guarantee that in time, when you have more knowledge about your campus, you will see the reasons why the chapter didn't think you would fit in as well as some other rushees. That is one benefit of rushing in the spring. Good luck!

[SoCalGirl]

You should check to see if your transfer status had anything to do with eligibility. Call the greek life office (or equivalent) to ask if 12 credits has to be from that university. It's possible that though you're a sophomore you have the same status as a freshman.

[nittanyalum]

Also, you said your Dad was greek and still in touch with his brothers/alumnae chapter. Is his house on your campus? Do he or any of his brothers know any alumnae of that chapter? I don't know if fraternities do recs the way sororities do, but I would imagine an alum contacting the chapter to give a PNM a good intro should be a positive thing in any situation. Don't hesitate to use those greek connections!

[adpiucf]

Sorry it didn't work out. Keep the other chapters in mind for future rushes. Every fraternity looks for different things; you just have to be yourself. If the brothers like you for who you are, that is all that matters. I wouldn't have done anything differently except for ONE thing....

When the brothers stopped inviting you to events, that should have been a clear sign that this fraternity was no longer an option for you. They aren't obligated to call you and tell you that you're not going on in the process. Instead, they're relying on you having the social grace to understand that no call about the next event/event that night means you've been cut. I don't think leaving that one party 2 hours after it started was a big deal-- your ride wanted to go home. Why would he drive 20 minutes to get home if the only intent was to drop 2 rushees off and then go back to the party? If you were going to be cut, it would be after that evening's events, not during them. I think you are reading too much into that. You were there for 2 hours-- that is a good amount of time to spend mixing and meeting new people. If the guys decided then and there you weren't moving on in the process, they would just stop talking to you at the event so that you would get the hint. They wouldn't get someone to take you home-- that's far too much effort on their part.

If you hadn't been invited to invite-only events, you really put the brothers in an uncomfortable situation by showing up uninvited or calling them to find out where the event was being held. If they wanted you to know, you would have been invited. You put them in a very awkward position and probably killed any future chances with that group because you decided, "They haven't cut me. They just forgot to call me and tell me where the rush event was." Not likely this would happen so many nights in a row.

You feel like you were a good fit for the fraternity. The members didn't. Based on your actions-- being a little aggressive find out where events were-- events you hadn't been invited to after several events with the brothers -- I think you just didn't know when they were just being polite and showing you the door. Without knowing you, I'd argue that you probably seemed like a nice and enthusiastic guy at first and then came on way too strong once they got to know you better. It is great to show interest. It's another to beat someone over the head with your interest. It's kind of like dating. You have to be cool, show interest and let the other party lead a little bit, too.

Give the other chapters a chance and good luck! Keep us posted.

Small request- can you break up your paragraphs with some spacing? It's a little hard to read and some people might be turned off from reading your full story and offering suggestions or feedback. Thanks so much!!

[jtrain12]

Also, you said your Dad was greek and still in touch with his brothers/alumnae chapter. Is his house on your campus? Do he or any of his brothers know any alumnae of that chapter? I don't know if fraternities do recs the way sororities do, but I would imagine an alum contacting the chapter to give a PNM a good intro should be a positive thing in any situation. Don't hesitate to use those greek connections!

My Dads chapter does have a house here, but it is not on campus. Apparently they had gotten kicked off campus for hazing and drug issues, so I figured it may be best to stay away.

and as for what adpiucf said...it was a tough decision for me to do that. I knew that by calling them I could potentially be jeapordazing my chances but the problem was that by the time that occured, it was so late in the rushing process that I had stopped looking at other fraternities just because I had felt so confident about that one. In retrospect, this was a bad decision and I probably would have not done that.

But most of you mentioned that I should look at other fraternities. My problem with that is going through the whole rush process and getting to know everyone and going to all the parties AGAIN is going to be stressful regardless, but doing it for a frat where I dont know anybody at all may be even more stressful. Id prefer to re-rush this same frat just because I already know alot of people there and still keep in touch with some, but as adipucf said, I may have killed my chances by asking to come to those parties.

[AlethiaSi]

Originally Posted by jtrain12

But most of you mentioned that I should look at other fraternities. My problem with that is going through the whole rush process and getting to know everyone and going to all the parties AGAIN is going to be stressful regardless, but doing it for a frat where I dont know anybody at all may be even more stressful. Id prefer to re-rush this same frat just because I already know alot of people there and still keep in touch with some, but as adipucf said, I may have killed my chances by asking to come to those parties.

It might be stressful and you don't want to go through the process again, but as other people indicated in other threads (where you might find some more insight, and it might be about sorority recruitment, but the advice and the problems are still the same (more or less)) you might find your home someplace that you didn't expect.
I found my home after a lot of problems, and I DID NOT want to do it all again, but it was worth it in the end. Good luck to you and of course, keep us posted.

[fantASTic]

Originally Posted by jtrain12

But most of you mentioned that I should look at other fraternities. My problem with that is going through the whole rush process and getting to know everyone and going to all the parties AGAIN is going to be stressful regardless, but doing it for a frat where I dont know anybody at all may be even more stressful. Id prefer to re-rush this same frat just because I already know alot of people there and still keep in touch with some, but as adipucf said, I may have killed my chances by asking to come to those parties.

To be honest, I would be VERY surprised to see you get a bid while re-rushing. The brothers made it very clear that you were not for them. I'm not trying to be mean, I just think that by re-rushing the same fraternity, you are going to make yourself look like a fool...and that could get around to other groups.

[adpiucf]

I don't think the make up of the fraternity is going to change very much by spring rush. Fraternities tend to be smaller than sororities... I have rarely seen a fraternity new member class outnumber the actives, so even next fall, their impression of you is likely to be the same.

It can be hard to put yourself out there and make nice with people you don't know at the other fraternities--- but that is how 95% of the guys rushing do it. They're out to make new friends and share new experiences. If you're anxious about going to the events alone, grab a roommate or a classmate to come with you the first night. And don't put your eggs in one basket this time around-- keep all of your options on the table.

[jtrain12]

Alright so a little update on this situation. I have been getting involved in campus, and meeting lots of new people. I am still in touch with some of the brothers from this frat as I have classes with them. I was talking to one of the brothers last week when he said, "so you do think you'll come out and rush us again spring semester?" I told him that I wasnt sure and he replied with, "well, you would probably have a good shot because you know us a little better, plus I could talk to the guys that make the decisions, and tell them that you are a cool guy." He also added that it is usually easier to rush in Spring Semster as opposed to fall. I told him thanks, and that I would definately think about it.

Right now though, I am still undecided about wether I am going to go through rush again next semeter, though. Although I would want to join the frat that didnt accept me, I left that conversation feeling cautiosly optimistic. If I do end up rushing next semester, I would DEFINATELY rush more than one frat, which was a very big mistake on my part last time. But again, I still have quite alot of time to think about what/where I want to rush next semester.

[Buttonz]

While I wouldn't say not to re-rush this one, make sure you check out others as well and get to know brothers in them (esp now during the semester)! Don't count on a bid from them, because if you do you risk a high chance of heartbreak again.

I almost re-rushed the sorority that I depledged from after encouragement from my former big, and in the long run I realized that I would have just been setting myself up for more heartbreak and sadness, and wound up with a wonderful group of girls that I never though that I would be, and I couldn't be happier

[jwsteele]

I still think you should primarily look at other houses...for example, we cut a guy in the spring semester rush last year. Many of his friends were given bids as spring pledges. They encouraged him to come out again, got him excited for a second semester in a row...but as soon as his picture came up for discussion, no matter what his friends said many of the actives remembered cutting him last year and they could not raise up the required votes to save him from being cut on the first night. Especially if you were the guy who called them to see where the parties were, that will make you stand out in their minds.

If they are being persistent next semester and are still really encouraging you to come out, then go out and see what's what. But also get excited about other options. A lot of fraternity rush, since the guidelines for cuts and discussion are so much more relaxed than sororities, is unfortunately based on house pride and many times a house will turn down a guy who is re-rushing just because they had cut him before. It's an unfortunate situation but there is no campus on earth where there is only one fraternity worth rushing, so definitely explore other options and get excited for them.

Oh, and for rush being so stressful the next time being an excuse? Fraternity rush is extremely less stressful than sorority rush...you are casually meeting new people and enjoying fun activities. I hate to sound rude, but I'm of the school where if meeting new people is that stressful and scary, then Greek life in general is probably not the place for you (at least fraternities, I understand that sorority rush can be far more intimidating). Suck it up and have fun, don't stress.

[SnuKnight172]

I know in our chapter we are 100 percent bid vote (legacies are 75%). If they are this way it only takes 1 guy to keep you out. Try other chapters. Your fathers house may be a good bet. Despite their troubles it could be a good opportunity to get a bid and make a significant difference in a GLO. Assuming they are recognized by the campus as a fraternity.

BTW: When going through recruitment in spring don't call Fraternities "Frats" that in itself offendes people and we actually no bidded a guy because he couldn't understand that that term bring negative conotations.

GOOD LUCK!!! IF IT IS MEANT TO BE IT WILL HAPPEN!

[jtrain12]

alright just one quick question...because I am going to be a Sophmore when I rush in spring does that put me at a disadvantage because I always thought most people that rush are either freshmen or 2nd semester sophs.