Calling all moms!

proudmom · #1 07-25-2006, 05:54 PM

First of all, I'm not meaning to exclude ANYONE! But I think that rush from a mom's perspective and from a PNM's perspective is differently, obviously. I participate in several on-line forums where there is a "parents place" and it's a safe, comfortable place where parents can ask questions, vent, support, etc. other parents going through similar experiences. And as I watch some of the recruitment threads start to pop-up, I thought maybe the moms out there (and dads are welcome too although I haven't seen too many of them on this site, LOL!) could gather and share.

When I went through rush way too long ago, I was totally clueless and made some of the stereotypical mistakes (the main one being of only liking the group that I wanted to be like, not the ones I would already fit into and being incredibly close-minded) and not surprisingly was cut and then dropped out. Luckily, a year later, my future sorority re-colonized and I joined that and had a wonderful time.

My daughter rushed twice - as a freshman (not-so-wonderful experience) and as a sophomore - where she found her home and is very happy. It was agonizing both times with the second being almost worst than the first. First time around, I helped her get a rec to every group, advised, helped shop for rush clothes, made sure to get updates every step of the way and cried just as harder (if not harder - it'd be a close race) as she did when it didn't work out. Second time around, I did very little knowing that it was all on her. I got one (glowing) rec to the house she was most interested in (that cut her anyway), offered the credit card if she wanted to go shopping, and let her contact me when she was good and ready. But I was on pins and needles every second of every day during rush (it took 5 days) thinking of her CONSTANTLY. I tried very, very hard not to let her know how high my anxiety was because I did not want to put any undue stress on her. I tried to remain calm (especially when I did talk to her), think that "whatever will be, will be" and leave it all up to her.

I think if she knew how anxious I was feeling she would have said I was way too over-involved in the whole thing and she may have been right. But that was my little girl out there and my gut reaction is to protect her at all times and want so desperately for her to be happy. When it's your baby (I don't care how old she is), and you know how much it means to her and how badly you don't want her to get hurt and how happy you are for her when it all works out, it's overwhelmingly emotional for us moms. When she called to tell me that she had gotten a bid, I was ecstatic and cried such tears of joy for her (after I hung up!).

So for you moms out there, good luck to your daughters. And if need be, stop by here and let some of us other been-there, done-that moms help prop you up.

And for you daughters - if you've read this far - your mom is ALWAYS there for you, no matter what happens. We love you...just because. We don't love you any more if you pledge ABC and we don't love you any less if you get cut from ABC, we just love because you're our daughter!!

alum · #2 07-25-2006, 07:11 PM

I know for a fact that I'm much more stressed over this recruitment for my daughter AND her friends than I was when I was going through rush decades ago. In large part, it's the schools themselves. Greek environments vary from campus to campus in terms of percentage of Greeks, perception of Greeks etc. The other stress factor is the proliferation of listserves like this. Although I would rather have too much information than not enough, the advice is often contraindicatory to say the least.

I think proudmom has written this much more eloquently than I could ever begin to communicate. I hope all the moms and daughters read this and really take it to heart.

melsigkap · #3 07-25-2006, 09:29 PM

I only wish my mom had been so supportive! Although my mom was greek in college, she had a bad experience and was very against me joining a sorority.

carnation · #4 07-25-2006, 10:05 PM

Where do I start?

Five of my daughters have rushed, none at schools that have Pi Phi. Three had great rushes. Two had rough rushes, oddly enough 2 who are loyal, involved, have high grades but they're quiet...one re-rushed a year later and got her top choice and the other picked up a COB bid.

Recruitment is awful on parents, whether or not they're Greek. Your child is being judged--that's the only way to put it. Although I won't have another one rush until next year, my prayers are with all of you who are about to rush in spirit with your daughters. Good luck! There are a lot of you on GC this year!

southernyankee · #5 07-26-2006, 04:38 PM

I am right there with you! I have three daughters, the last one is rushing this fall, and I am so worried as she will be rushing at a big SEC school where anything can happen.

We have prepared as much as possible, but beyond that, there is nothing you can do, and as a mom, it just kills you that this is something you can't "fix" for them. You know they will get cut, at least by some of the houses. It is the rare pnm that has the perfect rush, and rejection always hurts.

Then there is the possibility of not getting the house you want. With my oldest, we went through that, and it was awful! She ended up not pledging at all! In retrospect, it was a miracle she got a bid, as we knew nothing about rushing in the South at the time.

My middle one had a little better experience, but went to a smaller greek system, and still didn't get her first choice, but her second. It worked out well in the end, as she is very happy where she is, and can't imagine being in the sorority that she originally preffed first.

And now the last one has chosen to rush in a very competitive greek system, and I am a wreck!

I just keep remembering the devastation on my oldest daughter's face when she was not offered a bid from the house she had her heart set on...I think I cried as much as she did. She had the option of rushing her sophomore year, and her sorority friends wanted her to, but she said, "I would rather cut off my arm then go through that again".

I am just praying that the youngest has a good experience. She just asked me the other day, "Mom, you don't think I'll get cut from all of them, do you?" What could I say? It is possible, but hopefully not?

Lord, I wish it was over!

NUBlue&Blue · #6 07-27-2006, 10:19 AM

My daughter rushed last year, and it was not too intense because she is at an ACC school with a small number of sororities, but I won't say that I wasn't worked up the entire week. She was in a good position to make all the decisions on where she was going the next day, and some of them were very hard (on which house to drop), but she got her first choice and is very involved in her sorority, leadership roles on campus and Panhellenic. As much as she loves greek life, she says she doesn't think that she would've rushed at all if she'd been forced to go to her backup school (SEC) just by what she knows from her HS friends.

We shopped for her wardrobe, she called me every night and described every party, called me every morning and told me what decisions she had to make. After Bid Day we never heard from her until Thanksgiving, so I guess she was pretty happy with her choice!

When they went around the room after pledging to talk about what they knew about sororities and why they went through rush, she was one of the few who had parents who were greek. We think it may be because she is our oldest and we were in our 20's when she was born (which put us in college in the early 1980's). Most parents were there in the 70's when greek life was not as popular, so I think there may be fewer girls with that background going through rush. Her favorite teachers who are all a few years older than me, with kids in college, told her they never would've dreamed of being in a sorority in college. So I think there are a lot of moms out there who are really stressed because they have not been on either side of it....and there are a lot of moms out there who are really stressed because they HAVE been on both sides of it!

Other than the PITA of trying to find specific clothing items, this summer hasn't been too bad. We needed the break....we start college apps for daughter #2 soon, and the waiting and hoping is a big stressor. Then it's time to start the rush process all over again.....

alum · #7 07-27-2006, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NUBlue&Blue

My daughter rushed last year, and it was not too intense because she is at an ACC school with a small number of sororities, but I won't say that I wasn't worked up the entire week. She was in a good position to make all the decisions on where she was going the next day, and some of them were very hard (on which house to drop), but she got her first choice and is very involved in her sorority, leadership roles on campus and Panhellenic. As much as she loves greek life, she says she doesn't think that she would've rushed at all if she'd been forced to go to her backup school (SEC) just by what she knows from her HS friends.

We shopped for her wardrobe, she called me every night and described every party, called me every morning and told me what decisions she had to make. After Bid Day we never heard from her until Thanksgiving, so I guess she was pretty happy with her choice!

When they went around the room after pledging to talk about what they knew about sororities and why they went through rush, she was one of the few who had parents who were greek. We think it may be because she is our oldest and we were in our 20's when she was born (which put us in college in the early 1980's). Most parents were there in the 70's when greek life was not as popular, so I think there may be fewer girls with that background going through rush. Her favorite teachers who are all a few years older than me, with kids in college, told her they never would've dreamed of being in a sorority in college. So I think there are a lot of moms out there who are really stressed because they have not been on either side of it....and there are a lot of moms out there who are really stressed because they HAVE been on both sides of it!

Other than the PITA of trying to find specific clothing items, this summer hasn't been too bad. We needed the break....we start college apps for daughter #2 soon, and the waiting and hoping is a big stressor. Then it's time to start the rush process all over again.....

For help with college selection go to talk.collegeconfidential.com. For those who think the GC parents are overinvolved with their kids' lives, this will be a real eyeopener.

I also graduated in the '80s but did not go through Southern School Sorority rush. Our Panhel was much more low-key, hence the stress of today!

NUBlue&Blue · #8 07-27-2006, 11:26 AM

I've been on that site, and it is very intense! I enjoyed college, but the only way I'd want to go back is if I knew everything that I know now! LOL!

Those people are definitely helicopter parents on steroids!

mythreedd · #9 07-27-2006, 11:49 AM

I love to the copy threads from college confidential and send them to my kids with the comment, "and you think I'm involved too much?" I then get many "thank you for not being CRAZY."

carnation · #10 07-27-2006, 03:15 PM

I only wish my kids knew about helicopter parents that I've known or heard about. Parents who call college professors and curse them for their child's grades, harass principals 24/7, I've heard it all in my years of teaching. The worst helicopter parent we know did everything she could to make her kid the queen of everything, no matter how it hurt other students. The kid went downhill fast after she graduated--went to a state university and pledged but spent all her weekends getting blasted at another university and had to come home after 1 semester. She now has a newborn and doesn't know who the dad is.

Hey, could you guys tell me some of the best threads to copy from college confidential?

alum · #11 07-27-2006, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

Hey, could you guys tell me some of the best threads to copy from college confidential?

Any of the "assess my chances" threads. These are the typical 2300 SAT, Intel Scholarship, NMS students wanting to know why they didn't get into HYPMS.

Parent's Cafe is amusing sometimes. Search the entire board with "sorority and "Greek Life" in quotes and you'll pull up interesting thoughts and opinions.

Warning: the political views on this site are very liberal. Lots of New Yorkers and New England parents and kids are on CC.

exlurker · #12 07-27-2006, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alum

. . . why they didn't get into HYPMS. . . .

Is that Harvard, Yale, Princeton, MIT, Stanford ?

proudmom · #13 07-27-2006, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Is that Harvard, Yale, Princeton, MIT, Stanford ?

ex-lurker: the first post you'll want to go to on CC is the sticky "abbreviation thread" on the parents forum -there is a whole other world of lingo there! And yes HYPMS is exactly that. There's some discussion of greek life there but most of it tends towards the parental head scratching of "why would my child want to do that?" Much of the discussion centers around the correlation between being Greek and alcohol use. Parents there can seem to be helicopter parents but they're mostly just like the moms here: care deeply about their kids and want them to be happy. They're trying to do the best they can by getting as much info as possible to help them in the grueling admissions process. I have often thought of rush and college admissions as similar from a pick me! pick me! point of view. Both of them can be a parent's nightmare.

alum · #14 07-28-2006, 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proudmom

ex-lurker: the first post you'll want to go to on CC is the sticky "abbreviation thread" on the parents forum -there is a whole other world of lingo there! And yes HYPMS is exactly that. There's some discussion of greek life there but most of it tends towards the parental head scratching of "why would my child want to do that?" Much of the discussion centers around the correlation between being Greek and alcohol use. Parents there can seem to be helicopter parents but they're mostly just like the moms here: care deeply about their kids and want them to be happy. They're trying to do the best they can by getting as much info as possible to help them in the grueling admissions process. I have often thought of rush and college admissions as similar from a pick me! pick me! point of view. Both of them can be a parent's nightmare.

Ditto, proudmom!
I think many of the CC parents are very willing to make the next major investment in their child's education (about $200,000 for a 4 year "top-ranked" private university or LAC), but want to get advice from fellow parents about the process, the school, etc.

With the advent of the Common Application, the most competitive kids are applying to 8-10 schools now, and many are applying to more than that. The above 4.0 GPA, perfect SAT and AP scores, 3 sport/4 year varsity athlete who is student body president and long-time volunteer at a local charity will not necessarily get into the college of his/her choice. Colleges love this trend of applying to many schools because more application fees are added to the coffers and also the selectivity rate increases because there are still only x numbers of spots going to be offered even when there are more applications.

dvs-dz · #15 07-28-2006, 07:39 PM

Another CC reader/poster here! (But I think I was on GC before CC)

Anywho, my daughter will not be attending a college with a Greek system. However, I was a Girl Scout leader and I can't wait to find out if/where my other "daughters" pledge!

And on another note, I have had a blast writing recommendations for so many girls I know this year!