Another question about De-Pledging

Shimmer · #1 10-11-2001, 05:44 PM

Ok guyz, I know this is my first post, and its long, so please bear with me. I am a new member in a sorority on my school's campus, and I'm stuck.
I went through rush, pledged XYZ, and everything was peachy the first couple weeks. The older sisters and some of my pledge sisters were always coming by to see me, and we were always doing stuff and going out. I guess my "novelty" must've worn off though, because I gradually got less phone calls, visits, and invitations to go eat lunch or even hang out. At our new member meetings Monday nights, I started to notice that everyone had a friend except me. I started to feel like an outcast, and it occured to me that I'd have to really work to fit in here. I'm always lonely. The sisters all seemed so sweet during rush, but now that I'm in it seems like a different story. They gossip about each other all the time and it makes me wonder if anything has ever been said about me. The sisterhood is not as close as I thought it would be, and I am starting to wonder if going through rush was a good idea in the first place. I do not feel like I belong....I dont feel like an XYZ.
I know we're supposed to get initiated in less than a month so I'm facing a decision. Should I depledge? I've already paid my dues. However, if I decide to rush again, it will be SO awkward having to face the XYZ's in their parties, me not wanting to be there, them not really wanting me there.... could it be worth it if there is a better one out there? My mind wavers back and forth, sometimes I feel so miserable in here but other times I think to myself, "I can do this, make it through initiation, things might start looking up." But I also know if they don't, there's no turning back. I'll be an XYZ for life and that's that. I might never know the bliss of true sisterhood if things keep up this way. There's always hope, but its not reality. What should I do? If I could revisit myself back in the summer, now, I would've given myself advice: Wait until the 2nd semester to pledge. It's so hard to tell what the girls are really like in just one short week. Find some you like, hang out with them, get to know them, I wish somebody had told me that. I am so regretting it now because I'm afraid I'll be miserable for the rest of my time here if I do become a sister. Theres a lot of pettiness and fakeness, and I dont click with the girls and I so didnt expect that. Please help me, I'm in desperate need of advice and time is running out...

aephi alum · #2 10-11-2001, 07:27 PM

I'm so sorry that you don't seem to be bonding with your sisters-to-be.

As you probably know, if you depledge, you will have to wait a full year before pledging another sorority - meaning you can't rush next spring. And the fact that you depledged will work against you next fall; sisters will think "She cast aside XYZ, who's to say she won't do the same to us?" FWIW, I've never heard of anyone on my campus who depledged one sorority and got into another, and we don't even have all that competitive a rush.

Why don't you try calling some folks and inviting them to lunch, or coffee? Or put together a study group with some of your pledge sisters who are taking the same classes you are. People don't always come to you; sometimes you have to go to them.

Joining a GLO is a big decision; so is leaving one. Think through your options carefully, and good luck with whatever you decide.

AOIIBrandi · #3 10-11-2001, 07:56 PM

I agree with aephi alum. This is a very big decision.

You mentioned that you will be initiated in about a month. Have you received your big sister yet? If you have I would suggest that you give her a call, and let her know how you feel. She will probably be able to give you some very valuable advice. If you haven't received your big yet, or don't feel comfortable talking to her, I would encourage you to talk to your new member educator (I'm not sure what your sorority calls the office) she is there to help you.

Please let us know how it works out, and don't give up without a fight. Sometimes all you have to do is call someone's attention to it.

bruinaphi · #4 10-11-2001, 08:30 PM

Shimmer, I am so sad to hear that you are having a difficult time. Not being happy when you are a new member is very unfortunate. I would advise you to talk to your new member educator about how you are feeling. NME's are usually very capable at helping people through these issues. She might be able to match you up with an active member in the house who she thinks you might click with, so that you have a buddy to bond with over the next few weeks before initiation.

It is also really important to get to know your pledge sisters. These are the women who will be in the chapter with you for the next four years. See if they are "more real" or if there are people you can bond with. Sometimes fitting into a chapter takes a little bit of effort on the new members part.

Going through rush a second time can be really difficult or somewhat simple, depending upon the campus. On a couple of my campuses (I oversee 19), women who participate in rush after depledging are not required to go to parties at the chapter they depledged from. On others, they are required to attend and it is ackward.

I would give XYZ, and particularly your new member class, a chance. If XYZ didn't come across as fake during recruitment, chances are other members of your NM class are just as unhappy about the attitude as you are. Your class has the ability to change that atmosphere in the chapter by talking to your new member educator about your concerns and having a better attitude than the active chapter.

Good luck and keep us posted!

33girl · #5 10-11-2001, 09:09 PM

Shimmer, sweetie, I am SO sorry you are having to deal with these feelings!! But getting it out is the first step to dealing with it. Well, here are some things I thought of.

-If you are at a school where rush is large and competitive, don't beat yourself up for not waiting a semester. In some schools, that is just not a feasible option.

-How big is your chapter? In large chapters, if you are somewhat shy or reticent, sometimes you do feel like you are getting lost in the shuffle...but that's what your big is for, to guide you through that. She might not realize what is happening, call her and let her know. If you don't have one yet, like Brandi said, things might change after you get your big. If it's a while till you get them, talk to your (insert new member educator term here) and let her know that you are feeling somewhat out of it with the sisterhood.

-Do a lot of the new pledges/sisters live in the same dorm or area of campus? I remember the semester after I initiated, I found out that there had been a party at our house and I wasn't invited. I was LIVID and extremely upset. It turned out that they hadn't meant to blow me off - it was a totally spur of the moment thing and not planned at all. If everyone else is in the same area, and you are on the other side of campus, it's only natural that they will be closer with each other.

I know I didn't really feel like I was 100% in the sorority until I moved into the house the year after I initiated. It is family, it takes time until everyone is tight with each other. There's no such thing as instant sisterhood. One of the women I thought I would never be close to, became one of my best friends once we were both living in the house.

Please talk to your big or pledge mom before you decide to depledge. Who knows, your bringing up some of your doubts may be the catalyst for the whole chapter to change things that need changed. Good luck and let us know how things turn out!

kdgirlie · #6 10-12-2001, 05:10 PM

hey shimmer,
I know that everyone expects their new member time to be all peachy but everyone goes through offtimes. maybe you should try allittle harder after all you can not expect them to always call you. Went I first got my little I called her all the time but when she finally start to call me and ask me to do stuff it really made my day.
smiles
gi

Eirene_DGP · #7 10-12-2001, 06:50 PM

I would try to make conversation with the girls before I thought about depledging. Sometimes people get so caught up that they do not realize they are leaving someone out. On the other hand, if you truly feel like that is no longer for you and you KNOW this is your heart follow your instincts because they are always right. You don't want to pledge and make yourself and everyone else miserable later.

tridgirl · #8 10-12-2001, 08:44 PM

I underdstand completely what you are going through, and I think everyone does sometimes. My first semester I lived in our wing with a total witch and I almost dropped. What stopped me? My new member retreat was one of the best bonding experiences of my entire life. I also took the initiative to get to know other girls, if you are looking for friends who should always call you and never you leave you out, they don't exsit. People are human get busy and leave you out. Getting adjusted your first semester is hard and fun hang in there. I know that if you don't "get out" befoer initiation you will never be able to rush another house, but there was something in your house you loved during rush try to find it again. One last thing, every house is going to have people you won't get along with, or who are cliquey and in my experience they weed themselves out. Try to meet and bond with more sister I know when you are shy it can be hard at times, but growing into a new person is part of being in a glo. Good luck and fallow your hear it got you to your house it will help you out or to stay.