In today's day and age, we(women) often pick career over love, choosing to work long hours vs. taking care of the man, woman or children at home for career advancement, or choosing to stay in one city as opposed to moving to another for career opportunities, or choosing not to love for fear of an obstruction of a career path. Is it bitterness of past hurt that is the problem or is it that our careers are just more important than love nowadays?
How do you feel about this?
Have you read this article? What are your thoughts?
Time to Lose The Attitude, Gain a Partner
Time to Lose The Attitude, Gain a Partner
Donna Britt
08/03/2001
The Washington Post
FINAL
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Copyright 2001, The Washington Post Co. All Rights Reserved
So you`re an attractive single woman with a reasonably fulfilling life, and Friday night is fast approaching. Your plan is to hang out with your girlfriends, or to spend the evening alone, each of which is cool if that`s what you really want to do.
Perhaps you`d rather be going out -- or staying in -- with a man. Amend that to a loving man, a fun man, a committed man who`s worthy of you. But the fact is:
A) All men are dogs, and you can`t be bothered.
B) Your last boyfriend put such a hurt on you, you`ll bite the head off the next man who says, "Hi."
C) Most men in Washington -- or Baltimore or wherever -- are broke, underemployed or
behind the wheel of some raggedy vehicle you wouldn`t wear last year`s Manolo Blahnik
sandals in.
If you answered A, B or C, you have an attitude problem. And Audrey Chapman, the talk radio therapist and author of the new book "Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man," can help.
There are some good reasons why many women have attitudes -- especially if they`re
black, suggests Chapman, a licensed family therapist.
Women are more likelyto be depressed than men because they`re less likely to feel in
control of their lives and more apt to dwell on their problems, according to the American
Psychological Association.
Still, black women`s blues "ain`t like everyone else`s," Chapman writes. According to the National Mental Health Association, African American women are 50 percent more likely to be depressed than women in any other group. That isn`t surprising when you consider that black women are also more likely to face poverty, sexual and/or physical abuse, discrimination, loss of employment, crime and the loss of a loved one.
"African American women feel like they`re the most unappreciated, unnoticed, unsupported group," says Chapman, who will broadcast tomorrow`s live 8 a.m. show on WHUR (96.3 FM) from Howard University`s Blackburn Center. Her guest: novelist E. Lynn Harris, who`s made a fortune writing about blacks` tortured unions.
African Americans have never been better off, says Chapman, but their relationships have never been worse.
"We have more of our members in the middle class than ever before, yet black men and
women are the most unpartnered group in America. I`m not talking about the underclass . . . but men and women with middle-income jobs . . . churchgoing professionals.
"They have it all -- except they don`t have partners."
What many do have is bitterness. Bad attitudes "don`t just happen," Chapman says. "They develop after years of repeated romantic disappointments. . . . Those seeking to protect themselves from all that hurt hone their defenses."
She has identified seven common defense attitudes, including A, B and C above --
cynicism, rage and materialism. The others:
Control. The "Where were you last night?" syndrome.
Desperation. Remember the "Dreamgirls" song where the woman tells her departing
lover, "There`s no way I`m living without you"? Great song, bad plan.
Mothering. The drive to nurture, sparked by the need to be nurtured.
Shame. The old "Without a man, I`m nothing" routine.
Although such postures are self-defeating, they`re still "many women`s way of protecting
themselves. . . . Ultimately, they make men only want to `hit it and quit it,` " Chapman says
bluntly.
Speaking of bluntness, she also says black women are "most loyal to those who are
unloyal to them": black men. White, Asian and Latina women understand the pluses of
dating across ethnic lines; black women reject the notion while berating black men who embrace it, she says.
She describes women`s unconscious patterns, including dating good-looking but empty
"star boys," non-committers, and guys unsure about their sexuality. Not good.
But Chapman insists that her book isn`t just about helping women find men.
"Walking around with this stuff is bad for your overall physical and mental health. No way it doesn`t take a toll."
Once a woman has determined that she may have a tiny attitude problem -- Chapman's book has questionnaires and case studies to prod the denial-prone into the realization -- the next step is taking responsibility.
"You can't go through life being aggressive and angry because your life isn't coming together -- no one's obligated to show up and offer you what you want," she says.
Anger breeds more anger, hurt more hurt. The only way to break the cycle is to approach life with compassion, says Chapman, "approaching people where they are as opposed to where you'd have them be." Besides, being single means having time to fall in love with yourself -- "and not be so defensive."
Chapman realizes how tough that sounds. "We have so much investment in being in control," she sighs.
Plus dismantling years of hurt and bitterness requires thoughtfulness and serious consideration. Chapman sighs again.
"People put more energy and time into focusing on their careers, their cars, their wardrobes than on what fuels the emotional status of their lives," she says. Then they distract themselves with work, TV -- and complaining.
"We'd rather be entertained than learn."
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The Epitome of Beauty, Style, and Grace, Always Exemplifying Good Taste, A Zeta Woman,
A Finer Woman, That's Me!
[This message has been edited by PrettyKitty (edited August 08, 2001).]
Should Love be 2nd to Your Career?
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