People you don't want as sisters

FuzzieAlum · #1 10-21-2002, 01:30 PM

What should one do if someone expresses an interest in your organization, but you know you would not be proud to call them your sister?

I don't mean, "Oh, she isn't pretty enough," or, "I think she fits in better at Mu Mu." I mean, she doesn't even come close to representing what your organization stands for and she very well might cause problems within the chapter/alum group.

I suppose you can ignore her interest, if it's not expressed directly to you, but what if she does- if she asks you to take her to a rush event, or asks how alumnae initiation works?

Please note that this is NOT directed at anyone on this board. I realize we have quite a few gals on here rushing, or looking into alum initiation, and I don't want them to think I'm referring to them. I'm actually thinking of stuff that happened offline, although it could be applicable here as well - seeing as we do get PNMs on here frequently. What if Rhonda Rushee asks you about your org, and you've seen from her actions on here that she is a complete pyscho? Do you discourage her? Try to pawn her off on another organization? Ignore her?

33girl · #2 10-21-2002, 02:37 PM

Well, someone can be completely normal on here and psycho in real life. Or vice versa.

I'm assuming you don't mean someone who is a friend - just a random person? I think I would simply tell them we are not taking members at this time.

Blaire · #3 10-21-2002, 02:48 PM

Ah, yes. I am very versed in this! In fact, I am having the same problem! My chapter does Spring Rush...in Panhellenic, we are discussing rasing quota which would require us to spring rush and COB. There is a girl in my Women's Chorale who is, shall we say, a habiutaul liar. She went through formal recruitment and was not offered a bid. During recruitment, she claimed she was a DZ, ZTA and KD legacy. I can't speak for the other organizations, but we checked it out and she is not a legacy. No one in her family is registred as a Delta Zeta. Well, b/c she didn't get a bid, she has decided that she wants to spring rush. She did pledge a professional music fraternity, however. One of my roommates and sorority sister is also in this music fraternity and has confided in me that they might de-pledge her! Aparently, she lies. She said that she is fluent (sp) in spanish, but did not know how to say "I love you". She supposdly flew to New York to attend Sept. 11 memorial services and then (on the same day) flew home to take a test. She was in a car accident and lost her pledge pin but then found it 2 days later "in the floorboard of her totaled car". (she wasn't given a pledge pin in the first place).

She has now decided she wants to be a DZ...I am also at a loss. I do not think that she will represent us in a positve light...obvioulsy another organzation is having some problems with her, so why wouldn't we? Plus, we are still getting over having to de-pledge someone last year (LOTS OF DRAMA!!!!) So, I feel your pain!!! I think your chapter needs to do whats right for your chapter. You don't have to let "anyone" in....how is her GPA? Was she involved in high school? What year is she in college? All of these things can help you and your chapter make the best decision. If she doesn't meet to your standards (ie....your GPA requirement is a 2.5 and she has a 2.3) then explain to her why you cannot take her at this time.

I hope everything works out for you! I know how hard it can be!

Best wishes,
Blaire

carnation · #4 10-21-2002, 03:41 PM

If you absolutely know that someone will be a problem, don't feel bad about blocking their membership. Last year, my AOII daughter and I witnessed some very disturbing behavior on the part of a PNM and we both sent no-recs to the school she'd be at. (Let me insert here that I've only felt upset enough by a PNM's behavior to write 2 no-recs in 30 years.)

We debated whether to alert the women we knew in the other sororities but didn't. Looking back, I guess we should have because she managed to pledge a group and put them through hell and was finally depledged right before initiation.

Some people think that everyone deserves a chance. Why? If a PNM has proven herself to be psycho or a skank or whatever, why should a sorority be urged to suffer through behavior like that?

CutiePie2000 · #5 10-21-2002, 03:53 PM

I think that Carnation makes a very good point.
After all, if you were an employer, you would not want an employee who was going to cause problems, and you would never hire someone without making sure that their references checked out first. Similarly, I don't think membership in a sorority is all that different...you want to make sure someone will be an asset to your organization, not a liability.

XOMichelle · #6 10-21-2002, 04:03 PM

This is a tough one. It's easy to say you don't need to take anyone, but what heppens when they kow you are doing COB and they keep contacting you? Should you come out and say, we are not extending you a bid? SHoudl you jsut not respond to them? Should you eamil? Call? Should you make up something like, 'we have reached chapter total,' or 'panhel didn't clear your name in time' when it's not remotely true?

I actually might have to deal with something similar... help me out here!
-M

FuzzieAlum · #7 10-21-2002, 04:28 PM

Quote:

I'm assuming you don't mean someone who is a friend - just a random person? I think I would simply tell them we are not taking members at this time.

I guess I figure a random person is easy enough to blow off. But a very good friend, well hopefully you pick your friends carefully enough to not have this happen. (Although we can all be blindsided.) I was thinking of more someone you are well-acquainted with even if you're not close. Like you are in band together, or you work together, or live in the same dorm. Something exactly like what Blaire described.

I guess I don't advocate outright lying ("we're not doing COB" when she can see the posters). But even if she's evil I would feel bad if I thought I was encouraging her in any way when I knew I would block her membership. Formal rush is much easier, of course, you just cut her.

honeychile · #8 10-21-2002, 05:07 PM

This has to be one of the most difficult situations in sorority life. We once rushed a girl who half the chapter loved, the other hated. We pledged her. BIG MISTAKE!!! By the time she depledged, she had caused so much havoc (and tried to get the rest of the pledge class to leave with her), it ripped us apart. In one pledge period, we went from being the second or third largest sorority on campus to about 20 actives. There is NO pnm who is worth that much stress and aggravation!! (and I get to say that because I liked her - originally!). When I think of the amount of trouble it took us to claw our way back up...!!!!

As for the rush problem, there comes a time for that hard combination of tact & honesty: "Rhoda Rushee, we'd like to see you rush ALL the houses before you decide you'd like to join us." usually gets the point across. If you're cornered - she knows there's a COB event - you may want to tell her that you've extended "your" invitation (as if you only get one), or that you won't be there yourself. It depends on what you feel comfortable saying.

And if that doesn't work, well, that's where your wicked alumnae come into play. They can gently say, "Rhoda, we've enjoyed your company, but I'm afraid that, for reasons I cannot reveal, I don't want to see you waiting for a bid from us." And if she asks why, simply continue to repeat, "for reasons I cannot reveal" - as many times as it takes.

texas*princess · #9 10-21-2002, 05:09 PM

I agree with what carnation & cutiepie 110%!

Quote:

from cutiepie: you want to make sure someone will be an asset to your organization, not a liability.

it's just so true!

And as for 'what to do'.. I am obviously not well versed with NPC rules for bidding and things like that, but do the organizations let the PNM now either way (whether or not they will get a bid)? I think maybe if the organization sent them notification, they won't keep contacting the Sisters who don't know what to do, it might take them out of that awkward position. But that's just a thought

shadokat · #10 10-21-2002, 05:11 PM

Not to be mean, but it isn't YOUR choice if this girl gets a bid or not. If she is interested in your chapter, then bring her to an event. Let your sisters meet her and see her cookiness. Then, when it comes time to vote, and she doesn't get a bid, you can say "it's not my deicision to make, but the entire chapter".

honeychile · #11 10-21-2002, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by shadokat
Not to be mean, but it isn't YOUR choice if this girl gets a bid or not. If she is interested in your chapter, then bring her to an event. Let your sisters meet her and see her cookiness. Then, when it comes time to vote, and she doesn't get a bid, you can say "it's not my deicision to make, but the entire chapter".

I agree - with the caveat that, if you know something truly sinister about the pnm, you have an obligation to speak up.

valkyrie · #12 10-21-2002, 05:46 PM

I think that what everybody is saying makes sense.

I suppose that as an alumna, if someone approached me about alumnae initiation and I didn't think she'd be a good fit, I would tell her to contact headquarters -- which is no different from what I would tell *anyone* because that is the first step. If I *really* had reason to be concerned, I would probably contact the local alumnae chapter where she lives to give them, tactfully, the scoop. If it was *my* chapter she was interested in, I'm not really sure how I'd handle it. Although I'm usually a pretty blunt person, I'd have a really hard time telling someone that she wouldn't be a sister...

thetakates · #13 10-21-2002, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by shadokat
Not to be mean, but it isn't YOUR choice if this girl gets a bid or not. If she is interested in your chapter, then bring her to an event. Let your sisters meet her and see her cookiness. Then, when it comes time to vote, and she doesn't get a bid, you can say "it's not my deicision to make, but the entire chapter".

The problem is that you do not neccessarily see this until it is too late. I love my sorority so much, but sometimes i think that we have too short of a pledge period. We do not get a really good chance to get to know these girls that we are going to share secrets with and call our sisters. Last year we had a problem with a girl that came to all the pledge activities and stuff, and got initiated, but as soon as initiation was over we never saw her again! We also had another girl do this in the same pledge class. We had to sue both girls because of all the chapter operation money that they owed us. SO back to my original point, it is harder to see who is going to make a good sister even after 6 weeks of pledgeship. But I would have to say that if you have a problem with someone going through rush then No-rec her if that is what you feel is neccessary. We had a girl from my high school go through rush and I wanted to do this to her, luckily thought she ended up dropping out before I had to worry about this. So just be careful as to who you want as sisters. It can come back to haunt you later.

violets · #14 10-21-2002, 06:06 PM

Posted by FuzzieAlum:

Quote:

...I would feel bad if I thought I was encouraging her in any way when I knew I would block her membership.

Yes, that's hard...I see that you're just trying to do the most ethical thing, and take the action that will hurt her the least. It would be awkward to in any way encourage a woman when you are certain that you, and your organization, will not be extending her a bid.
One way I handled this in college was to consistently change the subject whenever a certain woman who lived on my floor asked about ADPi, and since she was quite self-obsessed any question could be answered by bringing the subject back to her life. If she asked, "Do you guys have a lot of socials?" I would answer, "Sure. But you're the one always going out! Where did you meet those guys you were studying with? At a bar or a party?" Then she would happily begin a story about her own life.

With another woman (who had a criminal record, by the way) I would again, just change the subject every time my sorority was brought up. With her it was a bit more dificult, for one I was a bit scared of her (with good reason!

) and second she was just harder to distract. I think in my efforts to be very vague in my answers to all her questions (the woman: "When does ADPi have spring rush?" Me: "oh, you know, they just give me a calendar and tell me when to show up and I do. That's a pretty necklace!") I came off as quite the ditz, and she was a bit turned off. Fine with me, better to be seen as a ditz than become someone she got real angry with!

At any rate, best of luck with this situation...it's one awkward moments of mutually selective membership.

Optimist Prime · #15 10-21-2002, 06:06 PM

Am I normal? This thread is freaking me out.

Actully I'd just be like "uh..."