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Marriage and the College Student
Hey there,
This is an essay I wrote last fall/winter, in response to two acquaintances of mine who were getting married or about to get married. I was feeling left out, and decided to write this essay to cheer me up. It certainly worked, because it is pretty good.
Enjoy!
Marriage and the College Student
Like most everyone else, I want to get married someday. I have it all planned out: I want the medium to big wedding ceremony in the English countryside with the fancy five-course reception afterwards, the custom-made (by me) wedding gown and bridesmaid dresses, the exiquisite flower arrangements, the elaborate pastel color schemes, and the diamond-studded wedding band from Tiffany and Co. I want to hear "O Taste and See", "Laudate Dominum", or "Cantine de Jean Racine" (which are all religious in nature) during the ceremony and a string quartet playing during the reception; forget "Here Comes the Bride" and the overly-sought DJ.
That is my dream wedding. But being a college student, the last thing I really need to do is actually throw it, namely because I have more important things to worry about like getting into graduate school and my GPA. While I am studying for exams, slaving over seven-page essays (with in-paragraph citations), and putting up with well-meaning but (sadly) disorganized professors, other girls (my age) are busy at work palnning perfect color schemes, shopping for lovely (and not hideous) wedding gowns, and deciding when and where to throw their bridal showers (which I will not have), weddings, and wedding receptions. It almost scares me, but I know I will be seeing a lot of that. I myself have witnessed two bridal showers, wedding ceremonies, and wedding receptions. But unlike me, the girls who planned all that were not college students.
Now, I am not bashing marriage and insulting these girls because they decided to forgo higher education and to get married in lieu. To me, getting married is a feministic choice, and it does not matter what hardcore and stuck-up feminists (and career women) say. It is as feministic as going to college and majoring in a particular field, which is the choice I made. And it is as feministic as going to college and being married.
Nowadays, finding a husband or wife is no longer a reason to go to college. It used to be, but not anymore, because today's social conventions are different. Most people are getting married later in life, past the college years and are after academic degrees and successful careers. But that does not mean that there are married people in college, because there are. I especially respect and salute those women who are, and I personally think that they work harder than the women who choose to be married but not college-educated and the women who want to be college-educated and married afterwards (or not). They work doubly hard to finish college and graduate school, and yet manage to keep marriage in the delicate balance. Not everyone can do that.
I have a story to tell. I once went through rush to see what it was like. I knew that if I were offered a bid to pledge from one of the ten sororities, I would take it and absolutely not try to depledge. I knew that once I joined a sorority, I would be in it for life, no matter what happened.
In a way, marriage is like that. I call it the "sorority analogy"; when a girl gets engaged, it is like she is being extended a bid to pledge a sorority, and she has eagerly accepted it. That "bid" is not a bid card, but an engagement ring. She wants to be "Mrs. John Wieck" or "Mrs. Ryan Matthews", like a rushee (or PNM) wants to be a Theta or Tri Delt. That ring is the sealed deal that she has an intention to become a "Mrs"; then follows the period between engagement and marriage.
That period of time is equivalent to pledge period, even though it has no real name. A girl prepares for her "initiation", or wedding day, and receives a ton of home appliances like toasters and chinaware, the equivalent of a sorority jersey and other little sister gifts. Also, it can be rather stressful, and longer than the normal pledge (or new member) period, depending on financial or other conditions.
A wedding day is an initiation ritual in its own right. It consists of oaths, proper behavior, strict attention to dress, and "member badges" (the "member badges" being the shiny new wedding bands). At most initiation ceremonies (including mine), every pledge getting initiated has to wear white; at most weddings the bride has to wear white. Well, they don't have to; but it is the social norm anyway. White is the color of purity, by what I mean symbolic purity.
When that wedding band is on the bride's finger, it means that she is finally married. She is assured that she and her spouse will be there for each other, until death. But unfortunately, not all marriages are created equal, and while some can last forever, others cannot and feel utter failure with the intensity of a hemorrage.
This is where the "sorority analogy" ends. Marriages can be like sororities, but there is no real guarantee that it will last for life, like sorority membership does. When a divorce happens suddenly, the woman is no longer a part of that marriage, and her membership is now considered void. But she can cope and deal with it over time; it is not an absolute stigma. On the other hand, if a member (already initated) of a sorority chapter is kicked out, then she is barred from joining another sorority. She is done. The divorced woman, in stark contrast, can remarry as much as she wants.
I said before that I especially respect and salute those women who are facing the worlds of marriage and academia at the same time, and that they work the hardest out of the three kinds of feminists in this world. But those who marry at the ages of 19 and 20 are very brave to face the world of housekeeping, raising children (or not), and monogamy (no offense!). They manage to put up with the stress of planning a full wedding and still keep a hopeful outlook about the future. Women who choose to face the world of academia instead are brave as well, and four years of college is extremely daunting. They would have to be. There are exams, papers, dissertations, jobs, internships, and professors to deal with, and all that takes a lot of patience and hard work.
One thing I have come to realize is that you don't have to be literally married to be married. You do not need a wedding band or wedding gown to prove it. As a college student, I am already married. I am wed to my college major, and activities. And the best part of being in college is that I can have more. I could be married to a sport, a minor (if I had time), and more activities.
Like everyone else, I want a real wedding someday. But until then, I am committed to my college, major, and activities--the pastel-colored affair in England can wait.
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