Dating Non-Greeks...

[FIUGreekSiS]

When I joined my sorority I knew I was going to have fun, but when I started to see more and more of this one Non-Greek my sisters told me that it would be hard, and that he would not understand. They were only 1/2 right.

I got very lucky in the fact that he is a very understanding guy and loves all my sisters, so it’s not really a big issue when I have to go out and do things with-OUT him.

But they were right in the sense that it is really hard. Trying to balance school, family, sorority events, other club activities, boyfriend, and outside social life (Non-Greek friends), who has time for anything...my family is already complaining that im never home...

24 hours in a day just doesn't cut it anymore. I would really like to know how everyone does it all and still have time for sleep?!?

Elizabeth
PHI MU
Theta Gamma Chapter


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I've been dating a non-Greek for over a year now, and like your boyfriend, he is also very understanding about sorority life.

However, I don't think that the problem lies with dating a non-Greek. I think, from your post, the problem is simply managing time--and trying to juggle everything in your schedule. I think it's safe to say that many college students find themselves in that situation.

True, I've given up some things for other things, and I don't know if this'll work for anyone else except for me, but first and foremost I only take in what I can handle. You can't sacrifice loved ones, but I knew sorority life would be time consuming, so I became inactive in my other clubs and focused on school, the BF, sorority, and work. Social life is only allowed if there was time because really, it isn't that important to me. I take things as they come, and I don't worry too much about fitting everything in, because really--as long as I get my 7 hours of sleep, I know that I'll have good day.

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*I'm an Alpha Gam...Yes I am, Yes I am!*

[sammie17]

Hi Girls!! Maybe any of you can offer any advice to me? I would greatly appreciate it!!!

The guy whom I am dating right now, and really like right now for the most part(and is also a close friend) does not respect the idea of a sorority. I LOVE my sorority, Kappa Alpha Theta, and it's really hard for me to choose whether or not to keep on liking him so much or not.

We get along fine except when we talk about Theta or Greek Life. I have tried to tell him how much we Greeks have influenced the community for the better, by our philanthropy and service projects. I have also tried to prove to him how valuable my sisterhood with Theta is. I am being 100% honest when I say that Theta is my second family; my home away from home He pretty much likes to change the subject whenever I bring up my sorority. He just has a very negative view of Greek life in general, based on his THREE sisters' negative experiences with Greek Life.

I don't know what to do! I mean, he is so great except when we discuss Greek life. I like him a lot...its' sad because he is my close friend and I'm dating him...but his anti-Greek beliefs are really making me reconsider if he is even worth liking. Any advice?

As to you girls, you guys are so lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend! I do agree that sorority life does take up a lot of time; but I believe that it is time well spent! hehee. For me, I put priorities in this order: 1) School. 2) and 3) (tie) Family and Sorority. 4) My Non-Greek friends. 5) My job.

Thanks for reading!



[This message has been edited by sammie17 (edited February 22, 2001).]

Sammie, I'm sorry that your boyfriend feels that way about your sorority.

However, you mentioned that your sorority is your family. I think I'm closer to my sorority sisters than I am closer to my blood sisters. I can understand that he has negative views about the system, especially if his loved ones had bad experiences, but does he disrespect your sorority sisters in any way? Does he say things to make you feel uncomfortable? I take great offense when people put down my family (both blood and sorority). But does he just feel negatively about the Greek system as a whole?

And does he know that you are totally impacted by his opinions? If he truly cares for you (which I really hope he does), he would learn to be more accepting because Theta is a part of your life. I'm sure that this man is special, because if he didn't, then you wouldn't be dating him right now. right?

My BF is in the Coast Guard and he leaves for patrol every other two months. I absolutely loathe his being in the military because I hate being without him, but it's something that he's committed to, and because I love him so much, I learned that I must also accept the Coast Guard. It's like a package deal of sorts.

If he's a keeper, then he will learn to be more understanding about how much Theta means to you.

Good luck to you.

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*I'm an Alpha Gam...Yes I am, Yes I am!*

[TriSigmaChic]

Hey there! My boyfriend's not a Greek, and it really hasn't been much of a problem. He's a huge supporter of my having sisters and he thinks it's great for me to have "girl time." I've learned to be careful when it comes to frat parties and stuff -- I always bring my cell phone and call him regularly so he knows where I am and that I'm OK.

Your boyfriend has every right to dislike sororities, but he doesn't have a right to take it out on you. You know your relationship better than me, and you should decide where to draw the line. I don't think his disliking sororities is grounds for a break-up if you like him otherwise, but if he's keeping you from being with your sisters and being active in your sorority, that's something you might need to deal with. Good luck!

[33girl]

Originally posted by sammie17:
The guy whom I am dating right now, and really like right now for the most part(and is also a close friend) does not respect the idea of a sorority. I LOVE my sorority, Kappa Alpha Theta, and it's really hard for me to choose whether or not to keep on liking him so much or not.

sammie...

I have a very easy solution - ask him to come over or go out to eat or something and hang out with your best friends, who just happen to be your sisters! It sounds like he is objecting to the IDEA of Greek life without getting to know the actual people. If he won't even try doing that, then is when I would reconsider the relationship with him.

My ex, who is still one of my best friends, was the biggest anti-Greek on earth (one of those hideous student newspaper letter-writers) until he got to know my sisters and became a fixture at our house. He had to eat every anti-Greek word he ever said with salt, pepper and mustard!!

[FIUGreekSiS]

I agree, maybe the reason that he doesn't like Greeks and Greek Life is just because he has not seen or experience it first hand. Maybe if he meets your sisters he'll get used to the fact that there are other things in your life, and these things help make you who you are. If he understands this he may just come around.

As to him changing the topic on you, I think that you should sit him down one day and not give him the option to change the topic and you should take this opportunity to find out why he has such a deep dislike for sororities. You never know maybe you could change the way he feels about Greeks and you!

[James]

I'll comment to give you a little more of the masculine perspective.

OohTeenyWahine, says that if he truly cared for you he would realize how much his opinions impact you as well as how much Theta means to you . . .

I would switch this around and say that if he was truly mature he would realize this. His caring about you doesn't obligate him not to express his opinion or share yours about something.

Ladies, never use the "if you cared about me, or if you loved me you would/would not do something." The guy may give in but part of him will actually HATE you for using that kind of trump card. And we men tend to carry grudges. Men are brought up to believe in control and to be obviouly forced into something by emotional blackmail is not something we swallow easily. Its as bad as threatening the relationship, I'll break up with you if . . .

So don't use that agument not that OohTeenyWahine was suggesting you should.

I believe 33girl hit it right on the head when she said to bring him around your friends. Also bring him around other Greek that you know outside your group. Invite him to philanthropy events. If he demurrs or gives you the standard silly Greek thing line, give him your best quiet puzzled look and ask him, "well if you don't want to help starving children, or don't have time that's fine, but please don't use the reason that you won't help because Theta's are trying to help."
I would feel abashed and help if someone said that to me . . . and I'm kind of unfeeling.

Don't mention your sorority or Greeks per se in conversation, refer to them as friends or a group etc. He might have more of a problem with the word, it hits a trigger in his psyche. After all he doesn't have a genuine dislike . .. he's dating you .

Just remember to not argue, just ask specific and pointed questions.

Oh you don't like my friends?

What did Fred or Jeff or Stacey do personally and specifically to you?

Nothing? So you just dislike them and talk badly about them for fun? That's fine, can we change the subject?

Remember, no one in your realm of acquaintances has done him harm. So its his hang up and he doesn't have the right (as was pointed out earlier) to inflict you with his hang-ups. But if he's kind of immature he'll do it anyway got to love us men .

Well good night and take care . . ..

[sammie17]

Hi guys!!

Thanks so much for your replies I'm really sorry that I have not repled in so long! I have been bogged down lately by tons of exams, papers, and my job Luckily (or maybe not LOL) I've been a bit sick lately so I can stay home and rest...away from all the chaos!

Actually, I just recently broke up with the guy because he just could not understand why I devote much of my time to Theta. I brought him around to meet my sisters...but he showed a cold, hard exterior to them which was totally unknown and new to me...one that, through five years of knowing him i never ever saw!! The bad part is that me and him used to be really good friends...and I guess, after this experience with him...i have discoverd that I never really truly knew him. However, I am happy taht I did not get too serious w/him...before it was too late! My Theta sisters were extremely shocked at how unresponding and cold-hearted he was acting...and unfortunately I could not explain any of his actions!

On the good side though, I have now started to casually see a Pike--who is also a good friend of mine...and I love all the Pikes at my school, just great guys in general! And he is very understanding of my sorority duties. He is also very active in Pi Kappa Alpha, and it is a mutual understanding between us that sorority/fraternity needs are essential, even more so than a relationship (for now at least!). However, I have been very happy seeing him although it isn’t exclusive as of now.

OohTeeny, I'm sure that you are very proud of your bf! Also, the saying is true about how distance "makes the heart fonder." I remember how I used to have a long-dist bf...it was great! Whenever we visited each other (he lived about 6 hours away, near my uncle's house)...it was just thrilling and just totally romantic LOL... Thanks so much for your sweet advice!!

TriSigmaChic, you better hold on to this guy! What a sweetie I hope that when I date a non-Greek again taht I will be fortunate enough to have an understanding MAN (not boy ) like that!

Hehehee, 33girl, my now-ex is also a letter-writer to the newspapers Unfortunately, he just hid against this powerful, biting facade when he met my sisters...it was unbelievably scary, and I was just really disappointed in him! He obviously is not telling me the whole story about his hate for Greeks??

FIUGreekSiS, thanks for your advice! Yeah I know 24 hours a day isn't enough! But what has really helped me is to get a planner, and plan your whole day. It is extremly tedious, I have to admit--but it is so worth it in the end!! As for your boyfriend, I am glad that he is so supportive of you! Maybe also invite him to your social functions--that way you can take part in the sorority event and also are able to see him and hang out w/him simultaneously!

James,LOL I always use that line “If you cared about me…” I will definitely stop now…yes, I am very sinister…I actually like to use that guilt-trip sometimes Unfortunately, He had a big problem with the idea of Greeks in general...not just the word (see above of post). Also, it's really frustrating because I can't get down to teh root of his extreme dislike. And yes I do love men even though you guys are just so darned-confusing and sometimes immature! Thank goodness that I am now dating a Pike who understnads me totally


[This message has been edited by sammie17 (edited March 18, 2001).]

[Miami1839]

Sammie17,

Good for you. Sounds like that Pike is a great guy. My opinion on all this. This isnt really directed towards you. I think that when 2 greeks are in a relationship they definitely have better common ground, better communication, and more respect for each others commitments. However, I could see how a greek guy might run into some problems when his girl brings him to a function. I'm only saying it because sometimes a girl might not choose him because things arent going right at a major function(Some communication problem with her sisters). So, I say it could go either way. Even though both greeks do have it easier in a relationship.

[This message has been edited by Miami1839 (edited March 18, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Miami1839 (edited March 18, 2001).]