Advice for PNMs: Not getting a bid to your 1st choice.

[KSUViolet06]

I thought this would make a good topic with recruitment season kicking off. Hope everyone agrees. I think it's a more common scenario than not getting a bid at all.

Some advice:


I feel as though it is perpetuated that PNMs will instantly feel "warm fuzzies" about a chapter IMMEDIATELY when they accept a bid.

This is NOT the case for everyone. Some girls do, some don't.

You might not be immediately be in love with your 2nd or 3rd choice.

Heck, you may even question your decision a few times. That's ok.

It takes TIME to "feel at home."

It doesn't always happen the MOMENT you accept your bid.

For some, it takes going to a few events and finding sisters that you have something in common with. Sometimes, it's meeting your Big sis. Sometimes, it takes getting initiated to feel "at home."

So don't panic should you find yourself not immediately smitten with the chapter you got a bid from.

For some, it takes getting to know people and finding out what the chapter is all about before they feel "at home." And there's nothing wrong with that.

[KSUViolet06]

More advice:

Give the chapter an honest and fair chance.

Just like "feeling at home" with your new chapter takes time, it also TAKES EFFORT.

You likely are NOT going to become BFFs with every single girl in your chapter overnight.

You also are not going to bond with your new sorority sisters by just sitting back and expecting them to make all the effort to get to know you.

Just like other relationships, friendships within a sorority take time and effort.

You are not going to "feel at home" or "bond with anyone" by:

* sitting back and sulking about being in your 2nd or 3rd choice.

*Just going to chapter then immediately back to your room to sulk.

*Going to chapter or other events, sitting by yourself, and expecting sisters to be all over you.

*Only attending mandatory events and avoiding all of the fun stuff.

*Not attending events at all and making excuses.


If you really want feel comfortable in the chapter and feel at home, you have to:

*Get to know members
*Attend events (not just meetings, fun stuff too)
*Hang out
*Have fun
*Get involved

If you are just so upset about getting a bid there that you aren't willing to do any of those things, then maybe you should re-think your decision.

[Smile_Awhile]

Also: Remember that we don't know what the future holds. Had I not accepted Alpha Chi's bid, there's a number of things that wouldn't have happened:

1) I wouldn't have taken a leadership position within my freshman year
2) I wouldn't have gotten involved in Student Government
3) I wouldn't be blessed with the incredible women I am proud to call "sister"
4) I would not have seen the confirmation of one of my favorite quotes: "It is good to know that the things that are meant to be, will be, in the long run."

Stick it out- don't be that girl who drops her bid like a hot potato. That doesn't mean you have to go through initiation- just go through at least part of the new member program.

[KSUViolet06]

You might be considering depledging and just rushing again next semester or year.

Some things to consider before you do that:

*If you are initiated into your sorority, you can't go through recruitment again.

*If you did not get a bid from your #1 choice this year, you shouldn't assume that if you depledge 2nd choice and rush again, that 1st choice will give you a bid. You're probably less likely to get a bid from your first choice than you think.

*Heck, if you rush again, there's a chance you won't get invited back to any of the same houses from this year.

*At some schools, sophomores/juniors have literally NO chance at getting a bid the second time. So depending on your school, this bid is likely going to be your only shot at being in ANY sorority. Ask yourself if you would regret dropping out if you rushed next year and didn't get a bid.

*Also ask yourself if you could emotionally handle an unfavorable result. Would you be ok with not getting a bid? Would you be ok if your first choice cut you?

There are alot of things to consider with rushing again, so give it alot of thought because you may not be able to go back to 2nd choice if things don't work out.

[Katmandu]

Agree with all above. Well said!

Can't emphasize this point enough:
If you do not receive your first choice, do NOT cry, pout, huff, mourn, languish, expire, sigh, sob, sniffle, glare, or otherwise louse up Bid Day for your new sisters.

If you receive your second or third or fifth choice on Bid Day and want to give it a chance, then step up to the plate and do it with style and grace. See it as an opportunity to show your character. You may be disappointed, even crushed, but the actives are thrilled to welcome the new members and most of the new members are thrilled to be there. No matter how much people might sympathize with your situation, if you create drama or stand aloof from the celebration, you will appear childish and rude. Besides, the girl next to you who is beaming and being gracious to all may be suffering the same pangs as you. She is just wise enough to keep it to herself.

Resist the temptation to tell your new sisters that they are not your first choice. This is information you don't want to share. Our experience teaches us that most people become reconciled, even pleased or thrilled with their situation over time. You may discover that your "second choice" is the best thing that happens to you in college.

But people have long memories, and long after you have moved on emotionally and are proudly running for Secretary or Recruitment Chair or Queen of the May, your sisters may well remember you as the one who REALLY wanted to be a Gamma Gamma Poo and spent the first three weeks of New Member Ed in a snit--and vote accordingly. (Have seen several elections lost this way)

The truth is, you spend 3 or 4 years as an active and maybe 40-50 years or more as an alum. All of the sororities have excellent values, core beliefs, philanthropies, leadership training and social activities. They all have active alumni organizations with more opportunities than you can take advantage of. They all have nice jewelry. They all have pretty colors, crests and mottos. They all have a proud history. They all have famous or not so famous members. They all have chapters that are the hottest of the hot on campus and chapters that are about to fold. Once you are out of school, none of the tiers, social status or other nonsense matters one iota. (or beta, for that matter)

Also, know that if you accept a bid card that is not your first choice, you are in very good company. Most women do not have a perfect rush. Many women do not join the sorority they dreamed of prior to recruitment, but most of them find a beloved home despite that.

[ComradesTrue]

All great advice. THanks for starting this thread KSU.

One thing that I would add: do not feel/complain that the group that you did not receive a bid from was "fake," "led you on," "lied to you," etc. It is very, very likely that the women whom you met during recruitment *did* like you and *did* want you to be a part of their chapter. However, virtually all of the PNMs in a pref party have the same situation. Everyone attending the pref party likely has a group of members pulling for them.

Only a specified number can receive bids, but everyone at the pref party is somewhere on the bid list. You were genuinely liked by the group, as evidenced by receiving an invitation to the pref party.

It is also likely that the members that you met do not know where you fell on the list and may be thinking that you turned them down! Keep your head high, and run to the chapter that bid you with grace and dignity. Your new sisters will be so excited to see you!

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

All great advice. THanks for starting this thread KSU.

One thing that I would add: do not feel/complain that the group that you did not receive a bid from was "fake," "led you on," "lied to you," etc.

YES.

To add:

Just because XYZ didn't give you a bid, doesn't mean it's cool for you trashtalk them or spread rumors about them.

So don't go around saying "It's ok I love being a Beta. Amy from my rush group's neighbor's lab partner got a bid to Alpha and she told me that they circle your fat!"

Spreading rumors about your first choice does not make you or your new sorority look better. It just makes you tacky.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

YES.

To add:

Just because XYZ didn't give you a bid, doesn't mean it's cool for you trashtalk them or spread rumors about them.

So don't go around saying "It's ok I love being a Beta. Amy from my rush group's neighbor's lab partner got a bid to Alpha and she told me that they circle your fat!"

Spreading rumors about your first choice does not make you or your new sorority look better. It just makes you tacky.

I'd take this even a step further and keep in mind all during recruitment that you represent your future chapter and people will judge the strength of your pledge class based on impressions that you make other places. Be sincere and as positive as you can throughout the process, and your eventual chapter will be better for it.

[KSUViolet06]

Another thing:

Don't ask girls from your first choice chapter why you didn't get a bid.

It puts them in a really awkward position when you ask that, as Membership Selection is private.

It's also awkward because they probably do like you as a person and don't want to hurt your feelings.

Also:

Don't assume that everyone got their first choice except for you.

Not so. There are likely quite a few girls who got their 2nnd or 3rd choice chapters.

Not everyone gets their first choice, that's just how it works.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Also:

Don't assume that everyone got their first choice except for you.

Not so. There are likely quite a few girls who got their 2nnd or 3rd choice chapters.

Not everyone gets their first choice, that's just how it works.

I couldn't have said that any better, but I'd like to tack on a suggestion:

Your first week in your chapter is when you should know that you know that you know what being discreet is all about; what to say about your new sorority to others, what you say to your new sisters, how you handle your own feelings. It's not just warm fuzzies, it's growing up!

[BlueCarnation]

Such a great post! I didn't get my first choice and I was devastated at first. I was SURE I was going to get my first choice, and just couldn't believe I didn't.

Then I went to my Bid Day events, met some great girls and decided to give it a chance. It was the best thing I ever did. I met some of my closest friends in the world, was a leader in my pledge class, on my exec board and on my university's Panhellenic board. I was usually a walking billboard for my sorority. I know I would not have gotten the experiences and opportunities I had had I joined another chapter. Turns out, I am still very close friends with girls from my "first choice," and I lived with a few of them after college, but I know that I ended up where I was supposed to be. I am so glad that I joined the house I did--of course the other sorority is a wonderful organization and I would have been proud to be a member. But for who I was in college and who I am now, I know it worked out like it was supposed to.

[BlueCarnation]

Originally Posted by Smile_Awhile

Also: Remember that we don't know what the future holds. Had I not accepted Alpha Chi's bid, there's a number of things that wouldn't have happened:

1) I wouldn't have taken a leadership position within my freshman year
2) I wouldn't have gotten involved in Student Government
3) I wouldn't be blessed with the incredible women I am proud to call "sister"
4) I would not have seen the confirmation of one of my favorite quotes: "It is good to know that the things that are meant to be, will be, in the long run."

Stick it out- don't be that girl who drops her bid like a hot potato. That doesn't mean you have to go through initiation- just go through at least part of the new member program.

I absolutely agree. LITB

[Zillini]

I didn't get my first choice either and wasn't thrilled by my 2nd choice. But I went with an open mind and was willing to give them a shot. I kept telling myself "These are the girls who wanted ME!" My 1st choice didn't want me enough, so why should I boo-hoo over a group that doesn't want me? It was their loss and my 2nd choices gain.

I look back now nearly 25 years later and know without a shadow of a doubt that it really did turn out for the best.

[baci]

I love your thought process and that is exactly how I look at things^^

[sigmaceli]

Such a great post! I didn't get my first choice and I was devastated at first. I was SURE I was going to get my first choice, and just couldn't believe I didn't.

Then I went to my Bid Day events, met some great girls and decided to give it a chance. It was the best thing I ever did. I met some of my closest friends in the world, was a leader in my pledge class, on my exec board and on my university's Panhellenic board. I was usually a walking billboard for my sorority. I know I would not have gotten the experiences and opportunities I had had I joined another chapter. Turns out, I am still very close friends with girls from my "first choice," and I lived with a few of them after college, but I know that I ended up where I was supposed to be. I am so glad that I joined the house I did--of course the other sorority is a wonderful organization and I would have been proud to be a member. But for who I was in college and who I am now, I know it worked out like it was supposed to.

ITA! I went through recruitment with BabyPink_FL, and we experienced a rush of emotions together. I distinctly remember telling a friend I'd rather vomit than join my second choice. Needless to say, I ended up getting a bid to my 2nd choice, and wasn't totally excited about it. But at the bid revelation process, when I saw my new sisters ready to welcome me with open arms, I knew I needed to give them a chance.

And it still felt uncomfortable during my new member process, considering a great deal of friends and my roommate were members of my 1st choice. But from about halfway through my new member period on, it just clicked and I knew that I ended up where I was supposed to. And I was able to partake in amazing experiences with my chapter and make even more amazing friends all over the Greek community!

If my experience hadn't happened, I would not have traveled for my National Organization after graduation, served my chapter or our Greek community as heavily as I did or been able to find such support and mentorship amongst so many of my sisters as I began my career. ABSOLUTELY worth it all. And my friend still gives it to me about the vomit comment - something I can laugh about now, I guess...