Advice and status of my move in

[Gretchen W]

I didn't want to start a new thread. I actually wanted to post this in the old thread I started back in March, but it got trainwrecked by a couple of idiots and you know who you are. While the thread was doing great, the advice was great. Like I was saying we're engaged and we did move in together, and yes his roommate is still living with us too. That's not the problem right now though.

The problem we're having now is coming from his friend. His friend is a she. He's in grad school and so is she. Apparently she's his study partner. It's actually a few of them, guys and girls, but after the others leave, she stays. I usually sit across the hallway in the tv room so I can hear the conversation. It's innocent and it's not like he's trying to hide anything, but just the fact of her sitting as close to him as she has been bothers me. To make a long story short, we got into a heated argument about it. Actually a few arguments. Only one of of them was really heated. It's almost as if he doesn't respect my wishes. I asked him why does she always have to stay after they leave? Why do you always walk her to her car when she leaves? And then her fucking phone calls. He says it's not just her, it's the other part of the group calling too. I always thought unconditional love was respecting each others wishes. I know he loves me, but it just doesn't seem the way it was when we 1st got engaged. He seems to be drifting away. Is it just me? Do you think I'm being overly jealous? Something tells me she likes him and he feels the same way about her. I haven't seen anything to make me think that, but why does he have to walk her to her car? He tells me because it's dark outside. Oh bullshit, you can look at her walk to her car through the fucking window! All of our recent conflicts have been over her. What should I do? It's almost as if I can do nothing, because technically he's done nothing wrong. Advice needed....please.

Gretchen

[AGDee]

You are being incredibly insecure. You will push him away if you keep it up. I would be impressed by any man who is selfless enough to walk a woman to her car in the dark. Do you think that by watching her leave he could deter a rapist? Nope. Walking her to the car could though.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I didn't want to start a new thread. I actually wanted to post this in the old thread I started back in March, but it got trainwrecked by a couple of idiots and you know who you are. While the thread was doing great, the advice was great. Like I was saying we're engaged and we did move in together, and yes his roommate is still living with us too. That's not the problem right now though.

The problem we're having now is coming from his friend. His friend is a she. He's in grad school and so is she. Apparently she's his study partner. It's actually a few of them, guys and girls, but after the others leave, she stays. I usually sit across the hallway in the tv room so I can hear the conversation. It's innocent and it's not like he's trying to hide anything, but just the fact of her sitting as close to him as she has been bothers me. To make a long story short, we got into a heated argument about it. Actually a few arguments. Only one of of them was really heated. It's almost as if he doesn't respect my wishes. I asked him why does she always have to stay after they leave? Why do you always walk her to her car when she leaves? And then her fucking phone calls. He says it's not just her, it's the other part of the group calling too. I always thought unconditional love was respecting each others wishes. I know he loves me, but it just doesn't seem the way it was when we 1st got engaged. He seems to be drifting away. Is it just me? Do you think I'm being overly jealous? Something tells me she likes him and he feels the same way about her. I haven't seen anything to make me think that, but why does he have to walk her to her car? He tells me because it's dark outside. Oh bullshit, you can look at her walk to her car through the fucking window! All of our recent conflicts have been over her. What should I do? It's almost as if I can do nothing, because technically he's done nothing wrong. Advice needed....please.

Gretchen

You're asking for advice, but it doesn't seem like you're following any of the advice you've been given.

I agree partially here. He should respect your wishes. That's something you two need to sit down and talk about.
What's wrong with the joker walking her to her car?

I don't think anything is wrong with you being jealous. There's envy and there's jealousy. Envy relates to wishing you had what someone else has. That's not good. Jealousy relates to protecting something that is rightfully yours and IMO, there's nothing wrong with that.

IMO, "unconditional love" doesn't mean respecting your wishes. If he respects himself, he'll respect you, and if he respects you, he will respect your wishes. Love and respect are two different things. The only way love can last a lifetime is if it is unconditional. I think you're confusing the two. You said "you know he loves you" but the truth is, love is not determined by the one being loved, but rather by the one choosing to love.

BTW: LMAO @ looking at her walk to her car through the window.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I didn't want to start a new thread. I actually wanted to post this in the old thread I started back in March, but it got trainwrecked by a couple of idiots and you know who you are. While the thread was doing great, the advice was great. Like I was saying we're engaged and we did move in together, and yes his roommate is still living with us too. That's not the problem right now though.

The problem we're having now is coming from his friend. His friend is a she. He's in grad school and so is she. Apparently she's his study partner. It's actually a few of them, guys and girls, but after the others leave, she stays. I usually sit across the hallway in the tv room so I can hear the conversation. It's innocent and it's not like he's trying to hide anything, but just the fact of her sitting as close to him as she has been bothers me. To make a long story short, we got into a heated argument about it. Actually a few arguments. Only one of of them was really heated. It's almost as if he doesn't respect my wishes. I asked him why does she always have to stay after they leave? Why do you always walk her to her car when she leaves? And then her fucking phone calls. He says it's not just her, it's the other part of the group calling too. I always thought unconditional love was respecting each others wishes. I know he loves me, but it just doesn't seem the way it was when we 1st got engaged. He seems to be drifting away. Is it just me? Do you think I'm being overly jealous? Something tells me she likes him and he feels the same way about her. I haven't seen anything to make me think that, but why does he have to walk her to her car? He tells me because it's dark outside. Oh bullshit, you can look at her walk to her car through the fucking window! All of our recent conflicts have been over her. What should I do? It's almost as if I can do nothing, because technically he's done nothing wrong. Advice needed....please.

Gretchen

I think you're being completely, over-the-edge unreasonable. If your jealousy rises to those levels, it doesn't make for a healthy relationship. You said it yourself: "technically, he's done nothing wrong."

If you see every move as a sign of cheating, or a sign of weakness in him, then you should really re-think things.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I didn't want to start a new thread. I actually wanted to post this in the old thread I started back in March, but it got trainwrecked by a couple of idiots and you know who you are. While the thread was doing great, the advice was great. Like I was saying we're engaged and we did move in together, and yes his roommate is still living with us too. That's not the problem right now though.

The problem we're having now is coming from his friend. His friend is a she. He's in grad school and so is she. Apparently she's his study partner. It's actually a few of them, guys and girls, but after the others leave, she stays. I usually sit across the hallway in the tv room so I can hear the conversation.

That is a little creepy, in my opinion. Isn't there something else you can occupy your own time with, rather than eavesdropping, hoping to "catch" them talking about something innappropriate?

It's innocent and it's not like he's trying to hide anything, but just the fact of her sitting as close to him as she has been bothers me.

If you really believed that he wasn't trying to hide something, then you wouldn't be so worked up and suspicious.

...It's almost as if he doesn't respect my wishes... I always thought unconditional love was respecting each others wishes...

Respect is earned. If you are accusing him of something that he isn't doing (and you said that you didn't think that he was doing anything wrong), then you are not respecting HIM. And respect doesn't mean that the other person does exactly what you ask or tell him/her. Have you tried to discuss things rationally?

...I know he loves me, but it just doesn't seem the way it was when we 1st got engaged...

1. Life isn't always roses and chocolates. There are thorns and bitter moments in every relationship. How could you not have expected things to change from the magical moment he proposed? It's time to grow up a little.

2. You seem to be putting a lot of negativity out there. You get back what you put out.

Do you think I'm being overly jealous?

Yes.

Something tells me she likes him and he feels the same way about her. I haven't seen anything to make me think that, but why does he have to walk her to her car? He tells me because it's dark outside. Oh bullshit, you can look at her walk to her car through the fucking window!

I would expect my husband to walk any female guest of ours outside at night. I imagine that you have watched this from inside... have you seen any impropriety? Have you TALKED about this, or accussed? Have a grown up conversation and see what happens. But he just might be acting like a gentleman here.

All of our recent conflicts have been over her. What should I do? It's almost as if I can do nothing, because technically he's done nothing wrong. Advice needed....please.

Again, you say you believe that nothing is happening, yet keep contradicting yourself. It seems to me that you are not ready for this level of relationship. What is going to change between now and your wedding, for you to trust this man? Because you are pushing him away. He might as well go ahead and find someone else because he is already being punished for doing so.

Just the opinion of an old married woman.

[Kevin]

You have some serious trust issues. Unless that's his fault (because he lies or has broken that trust), then your trust issues are a personal problem. Get some therapy or something.

From time to time in your relationship, your spouse will have friends. There's a very high probability that some of his friends are going to be female.

If you can't trust the guy to sit around talking to another woman or walk her to her car, why do you trust the guy enough to promise to spend the rest of your life with him? And if you can't trust him with those things, what does that tell you about your relationship? About yourself?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I haven't seen anything to make me think that, but why does he have to walk her to her car? He tells me because it's dark outside. Oh bullshit, you can look at her walk to her car through the fucking window!

Oh, the horror. You're actually living with/engaged to a gentleman who has some manners . . . a gentleman always walks a lady to a car when it's dark outside. It's called good manners. Be grateful you're involved with someone who seems to have them.

I always thought unconditional love was respecting each others wishes.

Not necessarily -- not when those wishes are completely unreasonable.

I mean this in the nicest way possible: You really need to work on your trust issues and really think about how you feel about this relationship. You say you're afraid he's drifting away. I can't help but wonder if you're pushing him away.

[KSUViolet06]

I think you're being unreasonably jealous and insecure.

I'd seriously postpone getting married to work on the trust issue, because the engagement/wedding is not going to magically change that.

Things won't change once you guys move/he graduates/whatever and he stops hanging with her. You'll just have the same jealously over a different woman (i.e. someone in his office at work). He'll get sick of you acting jealous and arguing with you all the time, and you'll be divorced before you know it.

I think the part about not wanting him walking her to her car at night is particularly ridiculous. I personally would be mad at my significant other for NOT walking a female guest to her car. Come on.

If you can't trust him to have a platonic relationship with a woman, you don't need to get married, unless you expect him to NEVER have any female acquaintances.

[agzg]

Is this other girl friendly to you? There's a chance that she has a good friendship with your fiance or is just a very friendly person. If she's friendly to you, try reciprocating. You might end up liking her. If you want to make your presence at home "known" to her, don't be a Creepy McCreeperson and hang out outside the door in the other room - pop in and say "Hey I'm getting a drink, does anyone want anything?" Or "I'm gonna make a snack, want something?" You'll get much farther in your jealousy issues regarding her if you're actively friendly to her than you will if you sit and stew all night.

Your fiance should be walking her to her car.

You probably have never been, nor will you always be, the only woman in your fiance's life. You're going to have to share him from time to time.

At least they come to your house to study - You know where he is, and what he's doing, and who he's doing it with. And honestly - if I had a nickel for every time my boyfriend brushed off the fact that I was studying late with a bunch of men while we were not only not living together, but not even in the same state, I'd be able to offset my recent losses in the stock market. If he can handle that, then there's no reason to be freaking out over what's going on in your own home.

Good luck with everything, hopefully you can get all of this worked out before the wedding.

DSTCHAOS would have been perfect in this thread.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by alphagamzetagam

Is this other girl friendly to you? There's a chance that she has a good friendship with your fiance or is just a very friendly person. If she's friendly to you, try reciprocating. You might end up liking her. If you want to make your presence at home "known" to her, don't be a Creepy McCreeperson and hang out outside the door in the other room - pop in and say "Hey I'm getting a drink, does anyone want anything?" Or "I'm gonna make a snack, want something?" You'll get much farther in your jealousy issues regarding her if you're actively friendly to her than you will if you sit and stew all night.

I sgree 100%.

If you have all these negative feelings about her hanging around, I'm willing to bet you probably aren't being very nice to her when she's there. When he feels that his friend is not welcome, that's going to cause conflict and eventually resentment.

Don't be "That Girl" who has an attitude with every single girl who walks through the door for him, thinking that she wants your man. You know, the girl who doesn't speak, but just sulks and gives dirty looks until they leave. My friend had a live-in gf who was like this and we always thought she was a total bitch.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I know he loves me, but it just doesn't seem the way it was when we 1st got engaged.

It's that sentence right there that has me believing this isn't about a study partner.

[PeppyGPhiB]

FWIW, I don't think unconditional love is possible between people. It could be argued that sometimes parents might have it, but I don't think that's a good description of romantic love. "Agape" love, aka unconditional, is what God is said to have for all of us. I'm sure there are plenty things ("conditions") your fiance could do that would make you leave him, which means that it's not unconditional. At least I hope you have certain standards that if broken would make you leave him...if not, raise your standards.

The type of love you're looking for is romantic love, but really you're just describing a certain kind of faithfulness...you're expecting him to be faithful, which is important, but it's by no means the same as unconditional love. Love is not the end all and be all of a relationship, as people here are pointing out to you. You need to trust him, and you don't. You're very insecure if you're threatened by your fiance walking his classmate to her car at night. If I were Dr. Drew, I'd ask you what the real issue is..."Were your parents divorced?" or "Were you abused by someone close to you as a child?"

[Gretchen W]

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

[ree-Xi]

If you are planning to get married, it's time to take your issues off a message board and into your relationship. You two need to communicate. If you need help, seek the advice of a couple's therapist. You also might benefit from having your own therapist, because you have a lot of anger and insecurity. Warranted or not, these are things best dealt with by professionals, not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Best of luck.