Closure?

[volgirl2376]

I have a question for everyone out there: Can gaining closure be seen as some sort of psycho act?

Here is the background story...its long...

I dated Michael for a little under a year beginning on New Years Eve 1999 until late Jan of 2001. He lived about an hour and a half away but we talked every day and non-stop online while I was at work and he was at school. We were so in-love, talked about our future together...we even bought each other promise rings. Everything was going pretty good until around September when he started acting weird. He always came to spend the weekends with me at my house, but all of a sudden he was online all the time - supposedly talking about class with Rhonda - the RA in his co-ed dorm. He said they were just friends, I was jealous, but no big deal - I have tons of guy friends. The phone calls became less frequent..until there were none whatsoever. He would stay up even later talking to Rhonda...you know about school work, and coming to bed after I was already asleep. Things really got obvious when we were intimate. I was his first...so he didnt really have any other experience...but all of a sudden he was amazing...I jokingly wondered who he was practicing with..but he would just laugh it off. So fast forward to the middle of Dec 99...I had to beg him to come that weekend to take me to my work christmas party - it was formal and I already bought a gown. I was surprised that he didnt get me anything for Christmas...he said he didnt have any money, and I believed him...but I still gave him my gift...a really nice leather coat. As he was leaving, I was helping him take his stuff out to his car and I see these lame animal print boxer shorts...a big body pillow...and other stuff...like PRESENTS...obviously from a girl. I just broke down crying, and he said they were just gag gifts from..guess who, Rhonda. He left, and deep down I knew I would never see him again. I finally saw him online on Christmas Eve...where he told on on instant messanger that he wanted to break up...and basically he had been seeing Rhonda, in every way, for months now. I was devestated...I felt foolish, heartbroken...I didnt leave my bed after going through the motions of Christmas for almost a week. It took me almost 4 months before I could tell my mom without crying. I did everything from trying to beg him back, to trying to be his friend...he wont talk to me other than a few words...like I was the one who did something wrong.

So here I am now...a year later. I am still crippled by the events. I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday and go on. I guess its like on that night I lost my best friend and my boyfriend all at the same time. I want to stress this, I do not want Michael back. I dont want to be his friend, I dont want to be his girlfriend.
I do however want to get all these things off my chest. I feel that since he was such a coward in the way he broke up with me, that the only way I can move on is to have some sort of closure...closure I never got. I have tried counseling...I have tried everything. I still cry over the situation frequently. I guess knowing he cheating on me...and hearing him tell me that he really found a one in a million girl with Rhonda...it killed me inside...it wiped out any esteem I ever had, and it makes me doubt every guy I go out with.

So my question is this...since it has been a year...would he think I was a complete psycho if I told him all these feelings I have and how horrible my life has been this year...is it too late to get closure???

I want to add, I have been in other serious relationships - this wasnt my first. And again, I dont want him back.

Thanks for reading

[amycat412]

Well...

From my own experience--closure can only come from YOU.

I was involved with someone for 4 1/2 years, then on and off for another 6. I always said I needed closure from HIM, but the truth is, I was the only one who could provide myself with closure. I had to come to grips with the decisions I made, with the events that happened, I had to learn to accept and forgive and move on. I no way could he have helped with that, in fact each and every time I got in touch with him with the guise of looking for 'closure' -- it only made it worse, made it feel like closure was farther away.

This guy played you and to call and confess how hard a time you've been having would give him a power over you that you don't need him to have, and my guess is, after the disrespectful way he treated you, he wouldn't care.

Good luck, be strong. Heartache SUCKS, but you will move on. He was a jerk, don't give him anymore power over you than he already has. Moving on and being strong is the best closure you could have, IMO.

Amy

[KillarneyRose]

Hi Sarah, I PM'd you. Good advice, by the way, Amycat!

[Beef]

Originally posted by amycat412
Well...

From my own experience--closure can only come from YOU.

Yep!!

My Dad past away alittle over a year ago, so I cant go to him for any kind of closure. I have to come to terms with that myself.

Once you stop letting him control your feelings, and find the ability to move on, thats closure. Dont let a guy that didnt have the balls to tell you his true feelings hurt you like that.

[Tom Earp]

Closer, whether it be a lost love or a lost love one to death, you never forget, you never forget or care about them!

I still think of my ex wife who left me nothing but there is still some feeling there as at one time I cared about her! Even tho one of my Brothers got more of my furniture that I did!

But He is still my Brother and she is my EX wife!

[justamom]

Oh volgirl, what a sad, sad story. Here is a little he said/she said
observation.

You said you were his first. This is something that will always be with him (since it wasn't a drunken one timer in the back seat) Take solice in that. Basically, you opened him up to relationships and it's sad to say, but "first loves" aren't always lasting loves. Just remember, he will NEVER forget you. This could explain why he distances himself-he treated you like rat and speaking to you or seeing you reminds him of that. The signs were there and even the best romances struggle when distance is a factor but we all know love is blind, and you didn't see them or perhaps want to see them. Part of what you're feeling COULD be tied into how you feel about yourself right now. We have all asked the questions,the- why did he- what does she have- did I do somthing wrong- how could he/I...You know the ones that just stir around in your mind over and over. This is natural for a while, but it appears for you, it has gone on too long. You recognize this and want to deal with it-best choice you could make, and remember it IS your choice. This is why amycat is sooo right, "Closure can only come from you" BUT, the question of HOW varies from persn to person. When the old truism of time healing all wounds fails, you have to look a little deeper into your own feelings about the past-not just this relationship-but other times that can mirror what you're feeling now. Some common catchalls are-
1"I felt like I did something wrong"-Yep, you said it. No honey, you didn't do anything wrong. You were in love and opened yourself up to all the joy and pain this emotion/state offers. Have you ever taken the blame for other failures when ther WASN'T any blame to take?
2."I was devastated-I felt foolish" This is such a hard one-you have to let this one go. No one likes to appear foolish, but it's only in YOUR eyes, not anyone elses. Forgive yourself. You are judging yourself when there is NOTHING wrong in believing in a promise of love. You must believe he did love you, but there are all kinds of love and this one just wasn't the forever after kind.
3."It tok me four months..." This also seems to fall under the area of pride. You felt foolish and didn't want ANYONE to peceive you as such.
4. Rhonda as the "one in a million girl" No, it wasn't YOU that was meant for him. This doesn't mean you are meant for NO ONE. Just not him. Love isn't a competition or even a comparison. There isn't a "Why I like Rhonda better" list with plus and minuses. True love comes from matching hearts and souls. The match was incomplete. That doesn't devalue it, it just wasn't complete-nothing more or less. Wasn't there something missing for one or both of you in your other relatonships? Who recognized it first?
5."It wiped out any esteem I ever had, and it makes me doubt every guy I go out with." This is the real crux of the problem, don't you think? Once you realize that the breakup is not a reflection of YOU, rather, it is a reflection of the RELATIONSHIP, you can free yourself, even if slowly, to gradually re-enter that fiasco of finding yourself and finding your heart.

You gave a gift to him- as he did to you. You showed each other there is a greater depth to love than anyone had before. You should find comfort in knowing that. There really is more out there, someone who will value you as you value him. If it was easy to find, would we treaure it as much?

[twinstars]

I completely agree with Amy and the others that you're only going to get closure from yourself. I don't think it's a good idea for you to spill your guts to him now. If you do that, you'll be waiting for some response from him... so basically, you'll STILL be depending on him to make you happy inside. Don't depend on him for your happiness or self-worth anymore.

Besides, what do you really expect him to say if you lay it all out for him? What would YOU say, if someone you dumped a year ago suddenly reappeared and told you how you had made his life miserable for the past year, etc? It sounds like you want more than just to express your feelings. I mean, you just did exactly that on this board. You want to say this stuff TO HIM, and you probably want him to respond in some way. If you do that, you're counting on him, which you don't want to do anymore.

You're putting him in a position to once again break your heart, if he doesn't respond the way you want him to.

For a while, you need to be depending only on yourself for your happiness, not on him or any other guy.

I know it sounds really hard to find closure within yourself, but I've done it before, and it really is the best thing and probably the only way that really works. You'll find a way to let it go.

[aggieAXO]

Hi Sarah,

I just wanted to let you know -I know what you are going through. I had the same problem except the other woman was drugs and alcohol. He was my first love and we were together almost my entire freshman year of college-he failed out and we tried to keep it going but he started hanging out with the wrong people. I have to say that I WASTED 6 F**king years feeling worthless, like it was my fault, what could I have done differently, etc.... Don't do this, please don't do this. I did get closure from him. It had been 6 years and I did call him up and I went to see him-he had changed so much. He had gone to prison for DWI and that helped him change his life around. I can still remember the exact moment when he looked at me and said "Karen I am sorry, I am sorry for all the things that happened and all the pain I caused you"-at that moment I never looked back.
I agree though with all the statement s above that closure comes within yourself, I think at that moment I realized that though it was nice to hear him say I am sorry, I had already had closure for many years and did not realize this. I regret passing by all the good guys b/c all I could think about was him. I will never let a man have that power over me again. It has been a year for you, don't let it grow iinto 6 years-he is not worth it.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Sarah,
I know that this post is a week old, but I thought that this poem might give you some comfort.

"After a While" by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

[volgirl2376]

I just want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone. I found a lot of strength in your comments and private messages, and the amazing poem. Your words made me cry...and smile...just knowing that anyone cared enough to take time to give me (a complete stranger) such thoughtful advice...means a lot.
I made myself entertain company on New Years Eve for fear of being along, and very sad. I wrote the post, because I was really scared I was going to email my ex and tell him how much I was still hurting...and still missing him...among alot of other things. But I didnt. Thats a HUGE accomplishment for me...and I owe everyone who cared enough to reply to my post a huge thank you. I think I may be taking a baby step towards "recovery"...Ive been thinking more about asking for my house key back (which he never gave back) than his company back. *HUG*

[dzsaigirl]

Unless you think he will actually use the house key, then I wouldn't even get it back if I were you.

[volgirl2376]

hehe i doubt it - he is an hour and a half away. i meant it kind of as a joke...that im thinking about menial things like a key, then thinking about heavy things like wanting a big heavy conversation with him. baby steps

[amycat412]

Sarah,
If I were you, I'd change my locks. Not because your ex will ever use the key, but because symbolically, it is a big step towards moving on. You would literally be closing the door on him and I think that could do you psyche some real good.


Hang in there, too many of us have been there, know how your feeling--just know we got thru it and so will you!

Amy

[aggieAXO]

Amy I think that is an excellent idea, change those locks.

Something else I did not talk about in my post is that my ex-boyfriend lived in Austin. I would come here every weekend to see him. After we broke up I could not go to Austin for 4 years, my friends would go to party there and I would miss out b/c I was afraid of the feelings I would conjure up or that I might see him.

I now live in Austin and I love it. I sometimes pass by places we went together and I just smile and think of those as good times, those memories are now some of my favorites. I have come a long way and I know you will eventually too!

Karen

PS if you are ever thinking about contacting him come to this thread instead and just let it out here-very therapeutic.

[aephi alum]

Sarah, I wish I had some words of sage advice for you... I can only second the recommendation that you change your locks.

Cream, thanks for posting that poem.