Question for you if you have kids, if you are a recent kid or if you want kids!

[KillarneyRose]

This is a question for those of you who are the parents of kids, recently were kids or plan to have kids (and that should just about cover everyone!).

What is the line between doing nice things for your kids and spoiling them? My husband and I have two girls, 7 and 9 years old and I am starting to worry that I spoil them, which I absolutely don't want to do. They don't act obnoxious or anything, but they don't ever get very excited over things I get for them or places I take them. It's almost like they see these things as no big deal.

When my sister and I were growing up, we had (financially) nothing, zilch, nada. I'm talking most of my wardrobe in junior high came passed down from the daughter of the family my grandma cleaned house for (so much for me being the typical sorority girl, right? lol). Because of the freaky way our school district is set up, I went to school in probably the wealthiest suburb of our city so I saw every day all the things everyone else seemed to take for granted but I didn't have. Okay, enough of that and back to the present ....

Now I am fortunate enough to have a good measure of financial stability in my life and, since day one, whenever I got something for my girls, it was always the best of whatever. I guess a shrink would guess that I'm trying to make up for all the stuff I didn't have as a kid. Anyhoo...since I can afford to give them things, I find that I can't say no to anything they ask for. CD's? No problem. DVD's? Sure! A shopping spree at Limited Too for no reason? Why not? OF course, you need Converse high tops in every color! Horseback riding lessions? Your own saddle? Sleepaway tennis camp? You get the point. I don't know where to draw the line. When I was a kid, I guess it was easy for my parents to know when to stop because we just couldn't afford much. So now, what do I do if it's not an issue of what I can afford?

I get the impression that quite of you late teen/twentysomethings grew up in a house where material things were readily available. Were you spoiled? Why or why not? Where do you draw the line?

Thanks, guys, for any help!

[SquirrelGirl]

I grew up in a house where things were financially very readily availble, but I was never spoiled. In fact, compared to some people I grew up with, I was the opposite of spoiled! I did take horseback riding lessons but never had aything more than the basic clothes and shoes. Certainly not my own saddle or a horse (or 5) like some of my friends did. Shopping was limited to two or three times a year (back to school, winter, and summer) and most of the time I wore clothes from the previous year as well as my new ones. Hey, the more clothes the better, right?

Yes, I do drive a 2004 car now, but it is actually property of my grandfather and had been used by a rental compay for a year when I got it. I got it because I recieved several scholarships and go to a state school, where I go 100% for free because of that. Yes, it's not Tulane (where I wanted to go), but it's not 40 grand a year either! My parents also drew the line on where I got to go to college that they would pay for.....I didn't have to go to a state school, but I did choose to (by default at first, but now I love it and will be here for a least a few more years). I get to drive the car payment and insurance free as long as I stay in college and keep a relatively good GPA (and my scholarships mandate a 3.0).

It sounds to me like your kids are not overly spoiled. Yes, they may be indulged a little bit, but most kids are by now....hopefully you will continue along the lines you are now and not say, buy them new cars on their 16th birthday, a few horses, a tennis court of their own, and shopping sprees at Saks.

Sorry for such a long reply!
(edited for spelling)

[KSUViolet06]

Growing up, we did pretty okay. My stepdad works for the state and my mom is an RN. I got maybe half of what I wanted when I asked and there was always a good reason why I couldn't have some things.

Anyway, I think the line comes when you're sacrificing things that are NECESSITIES to give them things they want. Like sleepaway tennis camp, at the expense of this months' car payment or taking out a second mortgage to pay for your daughter's new Benz. Or knowing that you COULD move to a bigger home but can't because you instead spent it paying off your son's $6,000 credit card bills.

[ZTAngel]

Admittedly, I grew up in a home where we had a lot of financial stability. I grew up in a town where kids were getting a BMW or Mercedes for their 16th birthday. My friends had a new designer wardrobe at the beginning of each school year. You would think that my parents, who could afford to give me that lifestyle, would give me it so that I could keep up with my classmates. Nope.

My parents wanted me to have a concept of money and they wanted me to learn how to spend conservatively. If I wanted something (like a new bike, CD, Barbie Doll, etc.), I had to earn it. I couldn't just simply ask for it while I was at the toy store. And throwing a temper tantrum about it only got me spanking. I would help my mom clean the house or I would be nice to my sister for a day (this was very difficult) and then my parents would consider getting me the toy that I wanted. When I got older, my parents made me work. I started off babysitting and I was a camp counselor. At 16, I got a part time job and I worked through high school.

My parents did give me some money when I went to college but most of it was paid by me. Scholarships covered my tuition and my savings from jobs covered mostly everything else (sorority, entertainment, food). My parents covered rent.

It's made me very good about spending money. I can proudly say that I'm one of the few from my HS group of friends that has no credit card debt whatsoever. I never spend outside my means. I still drive the same POS car that my parents got me as a HS graduation present (I paid for some of it, too!).

I think it's important to give kids what the need...not what they want. I may have wanted a designer wardrobe but only needed a few new outfits for back-to-school. I learned that you should only get what you absolutely need and, if you have some extra cash, it's ok to splurge on a Fendi bag which I may have done the other week...oops. I learned how to spend wisely. It definitely would've been nice to get that Audi A6 for my HS graduation like I wanted (drool) but I think my parents gave me the best present of all- they taught me the value of money and a good work ethic. I wouldn't trade that in for all the Fendi bags in the world.

[CUGreekgirl]

I did not grow up in a home with lots of 'extras'. My mom was a single mom most of my life and received no child support, so it was tough. We got by and I never had do without things I needed, but I certainly was not spoiled. I was able to take dance lessons in 3 types of dance, but that was my passion so my grandad paid for it. My mom tried to let me participate in as much extracurricular things as I wanted and we could afford. Exp. - $300/wk local theater camp.... but I had to do my part and bring home good grades and behave. I never really asked for a lot as a kid b/c I knew money was tight. It was a treat for me to get a new book or a magazine.

I was always a tiny kid, so I got hand-me-downs from my best friends when they outgrew them. They could afford Gap, Limited Too, Etc. I actually enjoyed getting handmedown clothes.

I was lucky that I grew up with best friends much more financially secure than my family so I got experiences such as weekends at the country club, vacations on the coast, getting to see the Nutcracker Ballet, etc. that I might not have gotten otherwise.

When it was proven that I could hold down a steady part time job, someone cosigned a loan for me so I could get a car. When that car crashed, mom cosigned a loan for me so I could get another car, however I have made all the payments. It made me sick to my stomach when my friends got brand new cars on their b-days and I didn't, but I appreciate what I have so much more b/c I had to work for it.

[KSig RC]

No one's really answering the other parts of the question, so I'll take a crack at it:


Really, you know your kids better than we do, so I'd suggest keeping a keen eye on them to see if they're exhibiting the 'downsides' of being spoiled. This will take a lot of work and probing - some of the most vicious issues caused are hard to spot. Here's some samples:

-lack of respect for money
-lack of understanding of budgeting and responsible spending
-difficulty in interpersonal relationships where money is either involved, or the monetary backgrounds are disparate (friends right now, coworkers and boyfriends as they get older) - think of sharing, handling less-fortunate friends, showing up others with possessions, etc
-generally misplaced feelings of entitlement (such as "why don't i get that? i deserve it, i've always gotten it before...")

We all know the stereotypes associated with the spoiled, but the reality is that the negative consequences are often far more subtle than we'd like to think, but carry the full burden in terms of the image they convey to others.

Many, many children grow up with a great deal of wealth but exhibit none of the stereotypical features of the spoiled brat as we usually see it. The key, as I see it, comes in exposing your children to a wide variety of things, making them think about issues and others on a deeper level, and most importantly setting a good example for them to follow regarding possessions and treatment/valuation of both things and other people. Keeping them well-rounded but still grounded allows you to have the joy of seeing your kids happy and provided for, while helping them grow up to be free of the bullshit that can be inbued by a carefree (and careless) life as a child.

[AznSAE]

Originally posted by KillarneyRose
This is a question for those of you who are the parents of kids, recently were kids or plan to have kids (and that should just about cover everyone!).

recently were kids? all one year olds come forth and show your face please

if i am a father to an only child, he/she will be spoiled rotten. most of the time they will need to earn it themselves though. what they dont have wont really hurt them i guess.

[DeltAlum]

It's difficult to spoil a kid. It's a lot easier to worry about it. It's even easier to talk about it.

You seem to have your head placed squarely on your shoulders and your husband, given what little we know of him, would appear to have a strong educational background and, hopefully, a good sense of responsibility.

The fact that you worry about this is probably a good indication that your kids won't be "spoiled."

Give yourself, and them, a little break. You'll all be fine.

[Glitter650]

I was raised by a single mother, my dad was in the picure and helped. HOWEVER I was an only child, and one of only 2 grand children that lived close enough to visit my grandparents ALL the time, so yeah, I was quite spoiled as a child (still kinda am) Although I got everything I could really need (and then some)
I didn't get "the best" of everything, (For example, I got a car when I was 16, but it was not a new Mercedes) I got clothes, but not full price from Bloomingdale's etc.

I think that spending money on "experiences"such as travel, camp, and lessons go much more toward helping children become more well rounded, non "brat-like" "spoiled" children than spending it on things like Cds, DVDs, and designer clothes they're going to grow out of in a year, etc. I think I personally would draw the line on spending when they aren't appreciating what they are getting anymore, or when they start to have that sense of entitlement, or have absolutely NO idea of the value of money. I'm sure that since you think about it your children will not have these problems. There is a difference between "spoiled" (not necessarily a bad thing) and "spoiled brat".

[winneythepooh7]

When I was growing up, and to an extent even now, my parents have been there for me financially. I am not talking about designer clothing or a brand new car, but they have been able to help me out. Now that I am a "grown up" and have my own bills and debts, I have realized how much they have helped me to understand the value of money. I think it is okay to "spoil" your kids a little bit, but I think the important lesson to incorporate is BEING there for the kids through the good times and the bad, and letting them know that money and expensive belongings DOES NOT buy happiness. I also think it is wise for kids to "earn" certain things if they can, and pay for them also, if they can. For example, at 16, getting a job to pay for their car insurance. This is what my parents had me do. I don't think there is a definate answer for this question, because as we all probably know, there are people out there that "get everything given to them" and have turned out perfectly fine. Also it is important for kids to understand too that just because Richy Rich gets everything given to him by Mom and Dad doesn't mean he has a perfect life either. Interesting topic though...........

[CarolinaCutie]

I think the important thing is that your children see you using money responsibly. My mother loves to shop, so it was always a big part of our lifestyle. BUT she never spent money excessively... things we needed or things that we really wanted were most always available, but I never got things just to have them.

Also, make sure they know how to respect the items you buy- so you won't have 16 year olds who wreck their new vehicles and then automatically expect another brand-new one to be sitting in the driveway.

I highly doubt you are spoiling your children!

[KillarneyRose]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies! I think maybe I'll cut back on the impulse shopping and perhaps start assigning them small chores that they can earn money for to buy little extras for themselves.

This "raising of responsible individuals" thing can get so complicated!! lol

[CrimsonTide4]

Some other suggestions besides chores is to have your kids donate old toys and clothes to the less fortunate or to kids who are hospitalized.

Do you take your daughters with you to any Delta Zeta service projects? Find some projects that you can take your daughters to.

I think it greatly depends on your attitude. My family when I was growing up was pretty well off financially, BUT since I was little I saw my dad work his butt off to build up this great reputation he has in his own business, and make that business very sucessful. He always wanted to give me what I wanted, and it always had to be the best. I wanted some cowboy boots when I was 6, but no we didn't go to Wal-Mart, they had to be red Justin Ropers (really nice ones). Anyway, besides the point. I knew that money didn't grow on trees and that you had to work for it. He put my mom and I both through college and I know that everything we had is because of hard work. I hope to be able to do the same for my kids someday. I know both of my parents were very poor when they were growing up. My mom had me between her jr and sr year of high school so we started on welfare. Anyway, just make sure your children know it's not free and that it comes from hard work. They can be spoiled without beig ROTTEN.

[ZTAngel]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
Some other suggestions besides chores is to have your kids donate old toys and clothes to the less fortunate or to kids who are hospitalized.

Do you take your daughters with you to any Delta Zeta service projects? Find some projects that you can take your daughters to.

That's a great idea!

My parents use to bring the whole family to a homeless shelter in Ft. Lauderdale every Christmas to help serve food. It was a really eye-opening experience.

Every Spring, my mom made my sister and me go through our rooms and get rid of our toys that we rarely used. She then brought us down to the Women and Children's Shelter to drop off our stuff.

It made me so incredibly grateful for what I had to be able to see those less fortunate than me. I think it'll make your daughters understand that they are lucky and they'll appreciate more what they have.