I need serious advice on my relationship

[Gretchen W]

Just so the mods know. I'm not a troll, I'm a real serious person. I post on here quite often, sometimes daily under my normal user name. I just don't want my user name to be associated with this thread. Thanks for understanding.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years, pretty much all through college. He graduated last year, and wants me to move in with him after I graduate from college this year. He's working on his masters right now, which will also be my future plans. We both think it would be a great idea to move in together to save on rent and other living expenses. He's a great guy, and I know he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, but we want to wait until we're all done with school before we get married.

Seems simple, but here's where the problem comes in. He has a fraternity brother he already rooms with, but he wants me to move in too, because the rent would be less for me. I've met his friend a few times, and he seems to be really nice, but I think I would feel kind of awkward living with two guys. My question is do you guys think I should move in after graduation, or do you think it's a bad move? Do any of you live with your significant others? What's it like?

I'm posting this on here because over the years that I've posted on greekchat, I've seen great advice given.

Thanks.

[DSTCHAOS]

Personally, I don't think cohabitation is a good idea. Do you absolutely need to save money or do you absolutely need to test the milk before you buy the cow? If you two are just saving on living expenses, that's a financial arrangement that can quickly turn into a disaster of a relationship/platonic roommate situation.

As far as his roommate, I wouldn't want to live with two dudes who aren't relatives of mine. Wouldn't have wanted to do it as an undergrad and certainly wouldn't want to do it as a grown woman college graduate with a boyfriend who is in grad school.

Naughty co-eds.

Of course it could all work out for the best. Good luck with whatever you decide. Just make sure that YOU and your boyfriend have no regrets and minimal apprehension with whatever you decide.

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Seems simple, but here's where the problem comes in. He has a fraternity brother he already rooms with, but he wants me to move in too, because the rent would be less for me. I've met his friend a few times, and he seems to be really nice, but I think I would feel kind of awkward living with two guys. My question is do you guys think I should move in after graduation, or do you think it's a bad move? Do any of you live with your significant others? What's it like?

I'm posting this on here because over the years that I've posted on greekchat, I've seen great advice given.

Thanks.

Cute sockpuppet name!

I still have my own place, but am at my BF's apartment quite often. I have my own drawer, toothbrush, etc. here, but there are many instances where I am thankful that I still have my own home. Of course he and I haven't been dating as long as you two have, so us moving in together isn't in the plan anytime soon.

Living with two guys might be hard. While he's a guy you get along with, that may very well change once the two of you are under the same roof. In the event you and your boy get into an argument, there's no guarantee he'll stay out of it -- and you know he'll take his side. After all, they're brothers.

True, you'd be saving $$$ on rent and living expenses, but personally? I wouldn't do it. I'd wait awhile. Spend some time with your BF and his brother and see how living with them is like before you commit to moving in.

Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be!

[nittanyalum]

I see no problem with moving in with your boyfriend, but I would not recommend moving in with him and his roommate. If you really need to save money, move in with some girls and spend as much time at your boyfriend's as you want. But living together is very, very different than when you have separate places and your relationship should grow and change through the process. You might need the "space" to adapt to your new situation and if there's a 3rd person in the mix, the two of you won't have as much freedom to sort out what you'll need to sort out.

It's nice he's looking to save you money, but if he really wants to live with you, he should get rid of his male roommate and live with just you. Plus, you and your boyfriend might do ok, but what if the male roommate doesn't like the changes around the place and gets mad that now he's the odd man out in his own apartment? Your bf might get torn between you and a guy he knows really well and has already lived with. Or you might be the odd man out because they already have a "rhythm" of living together and you either need to find a way to fit in or you might throw it all off. It just seems fraught with too many downsides, IMO. Wait until the two of you are ready and able to just live with each other, if you're going to do it.

[Army Wife'79]

OR, it could be like JD, Turk and Carla on "Scrubs". All you need now is a stuffed dog.

[Munchkin03]

I can't say that this is a good idea. Cohabitation didn't work for me, but I'm not against it for other people. What concerns me, however, is that you'd be living not just with your man, but with someone else as well. Basically, your relationship--and all the private details of it--will be on display 24/7. Do you really want that? Do you think your relationship could survive that?

Saving money is nice, but you can do that with female roommates of your own, keeping your personal space and coming over to his place whenever you feel like it. You're only just out of school--you have the rest of your life to live with him if it works out the way you want.

[AlethiaSi]

I'm inclined to agree with everyone else that has posted. I lived with my ex-boyfriend and my best friend in a very small apartment, and while it wasn't a bad living situation, I definitely had to work overtime to please both parties, and this may or may not be an added stress that your boyfriend would be willing to undertake.
However, my ex and I did break up after living together because he went back to school and the distance was too hard, we had grown apart while living together, more as best friends that just didn't see eye to eye anymore. (just my personal experience)
I have also lived with other guys (try 7 in a house with one other girl besides myself) and it was fun, but we were much younger and I wasn't involved with any of them. It was definitely difficult to clean up after them, and had roommate fights with them from time to time (we all did).

My point is, living with other people can be difficult, no matter the circumstances and why add relationship drama to the mix? (not that there would necessarily be drama with the bf, but the potential is fairly great)

It might be better to live with some other people to split the cost in the meantime and spend time together on the regular, see how things go, he's also in grad school and you're just starting out after graduation. I know it's been a difficult transition time for me and my friends and sisters since graduation, so strengthening your relationship and working on yourself might be for the best.
Good luck!

[texas*princess]

I'm with everyone who said it probably isn't the best idea to move in w/ your guy (and his current roomie).

After college, I had a similar situation to yours - dating a guy for several years, had plans to marry, etc. but after college, I wanted my own place.

I did move in with him temporarily until I got my first gig post-school, but I immediately got an apartment of my own after that.

I did spend most of my time at his place after I moved out and had a section of the closet, a toothbrush, etc, like OTW mentioned, but it was nice to have a retreat of my own b/c since we were both right out of college he had a smaller apartment and sometimes I just wanted to be on my own for a little bit.

I will also say that 3 or 4 months after I moved into my own place, we ended the relationship .... so having my own place didn't make it all awkward whereas if I was living with him, I probably would have had to move out at that point. I'm not saying that your relationship is doomed, just saying it was nice to already have a place of my own and not suddenly be forced into that position, ya know?

If you absolutely need to save money (or live in an insanely expensive area) get a female roomie and move into your own place.

[KSUViolet06]

We had a big thread about living together before marriage. Maybe you should check it out.

http://greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?t=92128

I personally wouldn't move in with him. I think it's best for couples to have their own spaces to live. He also already lives with someone, and that could lead to an "odd man out" situation where the 3rd guy feels pushed aside or resents you for moving in on their space.

Also, this guy seems nice now. But what happens if you move in and the 2 of you don't get along? That puts your bf in a bad spot.

[PinkRose1098]

Moving in with your boyfriend might be ok. But moving in with boyfriend and roommate is a deal breaker for me. Could you handle living with two guys and all their habits, cleanliness issues, etc? Do you know the roommate and if so, how well do the two of you get along?

[laylo]

Premarital cohabitation is statistically bad for couples who eventually get married. It seems particularly burdensome for women, and adding another man into the mix would probably increase that burden. In my opinon you should stay seperate unless and until you decide to get married. Financial constraint is never a reason to move in with your boyfriend- you can always get roomates.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Personally, I don't think cohabitation is a good idea. Do you absolutely need to save money or do you absolutely need to test the milk before you buy the cow? If you two are just saving on living expenses, that's a financial arrangement that can quickly turn into a disaster of a relationship/platonic roommate situation.

I totally agree. The finances alone could ruin it for you. What if something happens with one of your financial sitches and rent ends up being shaky for a month? Two months? Think of the fights that could cause. What if you two get into a fight? That could put the other guy in an uncomfortable sitch and he'll be forced to choose sides and we all know he won't choose you. He could be uncomfortable period--you and your bf have been together for a long time. This would be a good test of what it would be like for the two of you to see what marriage would be like...learning to work together and deal with each other's habits. But throwing another guy into the mix takes all that away and complicates everything. I, personally, wouldn't do it, but I wish you best on what you decide.

[WhiteDaisy128]

When my mom died, I practically moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). He lived in a 4 bedroom/4 bathroom condo with three other boys. I still had "my apartment," but I moved a lot of my stuff there and stayed with him (if I was alone I was crying all the time). It actually worked out well. I always had my apartment to go to if I needed to, but we really had not problem sharing a room and having roommates. It's not like you walk around naked or cuddle up on the couch with others around.

Now, that being said, Chris moved to Maryland for the last year and a half of our dating relationship. He moved in with one roommate. It was VERY difficult to visit him and stay with the roommate and him. Much harder than it was in college with 3 roommates.

If you know your relationship has clear future, you should take the next mature step and either get engaged/married or find a place by yourselves.

I never did officially live with Chris until we were married, but we pretty much know I lived with him in the last part of college and through his grad school.

I saw this happen once. A friend of my fiance's lived with 5 of her best guyfriends. She got into a whirl-wind romance and got married after 3 months (they're now happily married). Anyway, they get married and her new hubby's lease ended and he ended up moving into the house with her and her 5 roommates. Though it seemed okay for awhile (new hubby fit in perfectly with her friends), the other 5 guys started to feel like the couple was isolating themselves from the rest of the roommates. Flashforward to a week ago and the newlyweds have a party at their new house (they moved out when the lease was done). NONE of her old roommates came when they all said the would! We asked the newlyweds the last time they hung out with said group and they said it was right before they moved out!

Point: you might accidentally come in between a friendship if you move in with him and his friend. I don't assume that would be your intention, but it could happen. I suggest waiting until both of your leases are up to move in together.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Seems simple, but here's where the problem comes in. He has a fraternity brother he already rooms with, but he wants me to move in too,

I thought everything seemed ok until you got to this part. Living with two guys? Yuk!

I would hate to see what the bathroom looks like. Gross!