Would You Move For Somebody?

bgsugirlie · #1 11-06-2005, 04:59 PM

Would you guys move for a guy or girl that you weren't even in a relationship with?

Here's the situation:

My really good friend is almost done with school. She has about 6 more months to go. Anyway, she recently started hanging out with this new guy. He's great...she can't say enough about him.

Problem is...he moved six hours away a few months ago because of a great job opportunity that he couldn't pass up. They only went on two dates before he moved away. They never became exclusive because of the distance thing. They still talk on the phone all the time though and she still talks about how great he is.

Recently she has been talking about moving away for a job after graduation. I know she won't have a problem finding one in her field. In fact, she could probably have her choice of what state she wants to work in.

Last week, she told me that he asked her to move to where he lives. Ok, now I really do believe that he is a great guy. She is not the type of girl to put up with anything less....but moving for a guy?!?!

So....she asks for my opinion about the whole situation and I asked her if she would consider moving to that city if it wasn't for him. She said no.

Ok, so I really feel like if you're not dating a guy and it's not a city that you would LOVE to live in, maybe moving there isn't the best decision....but then again, it's not my decision...it's hers

What would you guys do and what do you tell a friend in this situation?

AchtungBaby80 · #2 11-06-2005, 05:20 PM

Hell, no, not if I didn't like the city I'd be moving to. I wouldn't even move for a long-term boyfriend, so I seriously doubt I'd do it for a guy I barely knew. Now, if she really liked the place he lived and could find a job, it'd be a slightly different story...

texas*princess · #3 11-06-2005, 05:55 PM

I would consider it if I had been dating the guy for a very long time... I would not move for a guy if we had only been on 2 dates and it was never anything exclusive... ESP. if it was a city I wouldn't want to move to on my own (because if the worst happens and things don't work out between them, that would leave her in a city she doesn't like and she would either have to move again or find somewhere else to live in that city and deal w/ it.... considering they don't know each other very well b/c they've only been on 2 dates, it seems weird that they are already wanting to move in together)

One of my coworkers from my last job moved to Washington state and his girlfriend agreed to move with him. She quit her job, got another job there, and they're happy. The difference between them and your friend is that they dated for a long time before the move came about.

My older sister also moved w/ her guy and it is turning out great so far. The difference is (again) that they dated for a very long time before the move happened. They actually wanted to move (she wanted to move to New York, he wanted to move to California) so they started saving up and had a little bet going - whoever got a job first won. He ended up getting a job first, so they moved to California. Like I said, they have dated for a long time and have wanted to move for a long time also..

wrigley · #4 11-06-2005, 07:02 PM

I wouldn't move to a city and move in with in a guy after 2 dates and a phone relationship. She needs to find a job situation that's best for her.

What kind of an effort has he made? Has he ever gone back to campus to visit her? It's certainly seems one-sided if she does all of this just for him. There are other things to consider.

Has she even visited him for a weekend yet? I'd advise her to do that first before making plans to move to his city. She needs to give it a test run of sorts first. If they can't survive 48 hours together, chances are moving there and living with him permanently is not going to be a great idea.

texasprincess is right. If she decides to move there, she should get her own place.

ZTAngel · #5 11-06-2005, 07:23 PM

I moved for a guy. He moved 7.5 hours away from where we were living. I liked the city and a bunch of my friends were moving there so I figured why the hell not. Then again, we've been dating for 4.5 years so that's a big difference. My decision took months to make. It certainly wasn't a sporadic, overnight process. We did the long-distance thing for almost a year before I finally decided that I was ready to make the move.

I would tell my friend that if she was going to make a huge decision like that then she needs to put a lot of thought into it. It's a life-changing decision and not one that can be made in a short period of time.

CarolinaDG · #6 11-06-2005, 08:37 PM

I was recently in a similar situation (though not really the same)...

I met this guy that I thought was WONDERFUL, and everything I look for in guys I date. He lives about 4 hours away from me in Macon, GA, and I mentioned that I was thinking about taking a job in Atlanta (which was true... I applied and didn't get it). He's a lawyer, and had just started a year-long contract, so he couldn't move. Not that he would have moved for me right after we met. Anyway, since we really didn't have a chance to date because of the distance, things kind of fizzled out. I was kicking myself for a long time, because now that I'm out of college I don't really have a chance to meet guys like him very often.

Anyway, point being, I think that it would be one thing if your friend moved to be closer, assuming that there's a city that she actually would LIKE to live in. But to change your life all around for a guy that you've never had a chance to REALLY date.... I dunno. It doesn't seem such a good idea to me.

My sister and my brother-in-law lived 2 hours away from each other while they were engaged. They knew they were going to get married, and they traded off weekends to visit each other. My sister could have moved pretty easily... she was in a job she hated. But, she didn't. She said that it was really tough at times, but the fact of the matter is they worked it out and got married. He now has taken a job where she is, but even during the first couple of years of their marriage, was traveling a lot for work. I think if it's meant to be, they'll work it out, but you can't (especially as a woman the way things are now) change your life around for a GUY. What happens if they didn't work out? She'd be stuck living in a city she hated.

layla2728 · #7 11-07-2005, 12:07 AM

my boyfriend and i have been talking about that recently... but again, we've been together for a while, and it really does require a lot of thought and consideration. In the end it is her decision, but like CarolinaDG said, if they broke up (and considering they don't have much of a history together, that is a good possibility), she'd be stuck in a city she didn't want to move to in the first place.

MTSUGURL · #8 11-07-2005, 12:15 AM

If I could find a job in my field anywhere, had talked enough with someone to feel that there was serious potential, and expected to move to another state anyway, then yes. Then again, I'm the type that could be happy in a new place if it didn't work out.

ISUKappa · #9 11-07-2005, 12:43 AM

I moved to the city my then boyfriend (now husband) lived/worked after I graduated college (he'd already been there for three years). We'd been dating less than a year. But, it was less than two hours away and I knew we would eventually get married. Even before we were married, he always said he would move for me if I were to get a really good job.

honeychile · #10 11-07-2005, 01:26 AM

In an ideal world, we would all be so much in love with our beloveds that we would move heaven and earth to be with them. But this world is anything but ideal!

I broke my engagement this summer because of this. The former mr. honeychile lives in Chicago (great town, but highest sales tax in the nation, double the cost of living than where I live). He makes considerably less than I do, cannot really support himself, yet expected me to leave my job (throw in all the perks that come with it, and I'd have to make at least $100k a year in Chicago just to equal what I have here!). I have connections at three different colleges which would get him the same job that he has, at the same pay rate (which of course, means his salary would be doubled) - he won't let me.

I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that you can't live on love, and as much as I care(d) (still in that process!) for fmh, his unwillingness to give even a little sealed his fate.

And yes, part of it was that his job keeps him out late some nights, so I'd be in a strange town, ALONE half the time. I'm not about to move and later find out that I gave up everything for a big lot of nothing.

Sister Havana · #11 11-07-2005, 10:24 AM

I would if I was very serious with the guy, and the city was somewhere I would want to live anyway (and one where I'd be able to find a good job!) I was with my ex-boyfriend for five and a half years. He lived in a teeny, tiny town about two hours from where I live. He did move up to this area for about a year but was pretty miserable...he's much happier living in a small town. Meanwhile, there was no way in hell I would move down there. There weren't really too many job prospects for me and we both knew I wouldn't be happy at all living there. Needless to say, the geographical issues was a big part of the reason we broke up. Had he lived somewhere like, say, New York City, I'd have moved in a heartbeat.

A friend of mine just moved down to Texas from Illinois to be with her boyfriend - well, now fiance! They'd been together for over a year and the plan was always for one or the other of them to move so they wouldn't have the distance issue. She was able to transfer within her company to a location down there with no problems. She's happy with her decision.

PureGoldF2K1 · #12 11-07-2005, 01:11 PM

When I read the original story, I had to double check the username to make sure it wasn't one of my friends posting about me. The beginning of the story is so similar to my situation. The week before I left for school this year I met this awesome guy who I hung out with everyday that week. And then we talked everyday on the phone for about a month and a half. If the story ended here with the great conversations and fun of that week I would be tempted to say, "Oh, why not move to be near him" BUT there are other factors.
Has he gone to visit her? That's very important, whether he's busy or not. Has she gone to see him? And if so, was it the same? (Its really hard to suddenly be with someone in person again after having a "phone relationship." Expectations are confused.)
They need face time before she makes a big move, otherwise she may end up HORRIBLY disappointed.

Jill1228 · #13 11-07-2005, 01:39 PM

It is not something that you do on a snap decision. I have done this.

1. I had nothing holding me in the DC area
2. He had a kid and I thought it was important for a young kid at the time to be near both parents (the kid was 8 at the time)

He came and visited me first in 11/97...I think he woulda moved there if he could have gotten a job

Then I flew out for almost 2 weeks to see him in 3/98

I made the decision to move about a month after that

Then he came to see me in 7/98 and met my family and helped me move.

It worked out...3.5 years after I moved out there for him, I married him

GeekyPenguin · #14 11-07-2005, 02:55 PM

I think that something a lot of people don't consider is that even if moving will improve the relationship, it may not improve your life.

My boyfriend lives about 7 hours by car, 1.5 by plane from me right now and it's not possible for him to relocate and not be harmed professionally. I miss him terribly and wish that we lived closer, however I LOVE where I live. I like my school, I love my friends, I like my church, all the little extra life amenities are right there.

If I were to transfer schools to be where he was, I'd be commuting a hellish distance to a school that I don't love, and living in a town I don't find particularly enjoyable. While it would be great to be closer to him, I think I would be absolutely miserable in every other regard, and thus would start resenting him for it.

Our solution is that if we're still together when I graduate, we're both moving somewhere more mutually agreeable.

JennRN · #15 11-07-2005, 02:58 PM

Ok, I might be harsh, but 2 dates does not a relationship make. Why on earth would she do this? She's about to graduate college, get a job-she has nothing to tie her down-no kids, no mortgage. Now is the time to live in the crazy place you always wanted to live but never thought you'd actually do it. THEN, work on the relationship-if it goes somewhere, and she can get a job in her field easily, then think about it.

That being said, I did move for my now husband-however, we had been together 4 years by that time and I had a ring on my hand. Otherwise-NO.