i am so confused!!!!!!

smiley21 · #1 03-09-2003, 09:36 PM

aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

i dont know what is going on between me and my boyfriend. we were really happy together and everything was fine. but then my parents started getting in the way, cause they dont like him and begged me to break up with him. our relationship is sorta forbidden. so we talked about it and decided to just be friends. my mom still doesnt like it cause she thinks that being friends isnt possible. but i kicked and scream (not literally) and she finally backed off. however, things never changed between me and my boyfriend. we still have a really close relationship. we dont spend nearly as much time together like we used to. but the times we are together, it is really nice. he still refers to me as his girl. but its hard to think that cause we havent talked about 'us' since we decided to be friends. i am scared to bring the topic up because i think i will hear something i dont like. am i making too much of this? i just want to know where we are. help me!!!

i want a guy and girl persepective.

AXJules · #2 03-09-2003, 09:42 PM

The fact that you are afraid of hearing something you don't want to hear, should tell you something.

In these situations, the only way you'll ever know is if you ask. Just b/c you don't want to hear it doesn't mean you shouldn't hear it. One way or the other, you'd be better off knowing now. What if he still has strong feelings for you but is seeing other girls b/c he thinks you guys are friends??? It would suck, but it's kinda what you agreed to, since you decided to be friends. or it's possible that he still feels strongly for you and isn't going to see anyone else until you guys wind up together.

Either way, you need to talk to him.

OUlioness01 · #3 03-09-2003, 09:46 PM

I don't think you're making too much of this at all. I'm in a similar situation where we live 500 miles apart, and talk every night. Around his friends i'm referred to as his "girl" but we've never actually talked about "us". I think it's a universal girl thing where we don't like to bring up the 'us' subject because we're afraid we'll get hurt. Does he indicate in his words or actions anything more than just friendship? Do either of you date other people? You look at it as more than just friendship form the way you worded your post, so I think that you do need to talk to him about it. It might be better to talk to him about it when you know you won't have a chance to see him for a couple days afterward, just in case it doesn't go exactly how you would like it to. Good luck!

smiley21 · #4 03-09-2003, 09:53 PM

neither of us date anyone. i know that for a fact. i trust him completely. personally, i cannot really imagine dating anyone else. something about it isnt right. he still tells me that he loves me. when we are together, he treats me so well. i think that the 'friend' thing is just to make my mom happy. i dont know.

valkyrie · #5 03-09-2003, 10:57 PM

If you're an adult and you love your boyfriend, I say screw what your mom says, talk to him, and date each other if that's what you both want and that's what makes you both happy.

UF_PikePC98 · #6 03-10-2003, 02:44 PM

First off, is this your first major relationship? I have a feeling it is.

Usually an individual will have about 2, maybe 3, major realtionships before they get married. I don't know what your family life is like or how well you were raised...but I'd venture to guess that you had a good upbringing, based on our PM conversations.

Usually the parents do know whats best for their children. The older I grow, the more I find out how right my dad is on shit and how stupid my mom is at times. Granted, I love my mother very much and I am the apple of her eye.....but I don't know how she would have made it anywhere in this world without my dad. With that said, the mother is usually the one who reacts on emotion. What mothers feel in their heart usually affects their thought process. Hence, if she doesn't feel like he's a good guy....she's not going to like him. Also, there's probably a reason why she doesn't like him......a reason only experience can teach. Believe me, odds are your mother has been in this situation before and is trying to only help you.....despite what it may appear right now.

Now, with that all said.......I'd say go to your dad and talk to him. Ask him for his advice. See what his take on it is. He was a young lad once and odds are he knows a little more than you think. Men are just usually quiet on these types of situations, ones that involve their daughter and wife in conflict over another male. If it seems impossible to talk to your dad, just try it. Believe me, it will make his day to have his daughter come to him for advice. Anytime I want to butter up my mother or make her day, i just give her a kiss on the cheek and sit down next to her on the couch. Then I give her a big hug and ask her for her advice on some stupid situation. After that she's miss bibbidy boppidy boo for the rest of the day. There's something that happens to the parent of the opposite sex when their child does something like that. My guess is that it's something only a parent can feel. So, trust me.....if you come to your dad in that manner and then ask him for advice on that situation......you're gonna feel much better when you're done talking to him.

As for the boyfriend........He'll probaly refer to you as his girl for a LONG time. It takes a guy awhile to get over shit like that. We have thick skulls, but eventually it does get through. He might not always be right in the head afterwards.....but he will get over you, trust me. I'm over all but 1 of my exgirlfriends. She's the third one back, the one who was the best to me and the one who I treated the worst. January 17th was a yr since we broke up, she has since moved out of the state and back to Louisiana. She will be living in France for the summer, just to chill. This kind of stuff isn't something that just goes away and is easily forgotten. I still talk to that ex about 3 times a week, saw her in New Orleans recently. Anyhow.....the both of you will get over it. You'll be saved a lot of hardache in the end. And you'll win favor with your parents, which is a good thing. Smart people know this.

UF_Pike

smiley21 · #7 03-10-2003, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by UF_PikePC98
First off, is this your first major relationship? I have a feeling it is.

Usually an individual will have about 2, maybe 3, major realtionships before they get married. I don't know what your family life is like or how well you were raised...but I'd venture to guess that you had a good upbringing, based on our PM conversations.

Usually the parents do know whats best for their children. The older I grow, the more I find out how right my dad is on shit and how stupid my mom is at times. Granted, I love my mother very much and I am the apple of her eye.....but I don't know how she would have made it anywhere in this world without my dad. With that said, the mother is usually the one who reacts on emotion. What mothers feel in their heart usually affects their thought process. Hence, if she doesn't feel like he's a good guy....she's not going to like him. Also, there's probably a reason why she doesn't like him......a reason only experience can teach. Believe me, odds are your mother has been in this situation before and is trying to only help you.....despite what it may appear right now.

Now, with that all said.......I'd say go to your dad and talk to him. Ask him for his advice. See what his take on it is. He was a young lad once and odds are he knows a little more than you think. Men are just usually quiet on these types of situations, ones that involve their daughter and wife in conflict over another male. If it seems impossible to talk to your dad, just try it. Believe me, it will make his day to have his daughter come to him for advice. Anytime I want to butter up my mother or make her day, i just give her a kiss on the cheek and sit down next to her on the couch. Then I give her a big hug and ask her for her advice on some stupid situation. After that she's miss bibbidy boppidy boo for the rest of the day. There's something that happens to the parent of the opposite sex when their child does something like that. My guess is that it's something only a parent can feel. So, trust me.....if you come to your dad in that manner and then ask him for advice on that situation......you're gonna feel much better when you're done talking to him.

As for the boyfriend........He'll probaly refer to you as his girl for a LONG time. It takes a guy awhile to get over shit like that. We have thick skulls, but eventually it does get through. He might not always be right in the head afterwards.....but he will get over you, trust me. I'm over all but 1 of my exgirlfriends. She's the third one back, the one who was the best to me and the one who I treated the worst. January 17th was a yr since we broke up, she has since moved out of the state and back to Louisiana. She will be living in France for the summer, just to chill. This kind of stuff isn't something that just goes away and is easily forgotten. I still talk to that ex about 3 times a week, saw her in New Orleans recently. Anyhow.....the both of you will get over it. You'll be saved a lot of hardache in the end. And you'll win favor with your parents, which is a good thing. Smart people know this.

UF_Pike

this is actually my third major relationship but the first that i actually liked. i am going to talk to him later today when he gets off work. as for my dad, talking to him is out of the question. my dad thinks that this guy doesnt exist anymore in my life.
about the 'getting over me' part. i dont think either of us is trying to get over the other. i think the break up was to just make my parents happy. i dont know. i will find out when i talk to him. thanks uf_pike. you are a cool guy after all

UF_PikePC98 · #8 03-10-2003, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by smiley21
this is actually my third major relationship but the first that i actually liked.

I'm not sure if I'm following you sweety.....How can this be the third MAJOR relationship if it is the first you actually liked. When I say major, I mean falling in serious love and could see yourself married to that person and with children.

Quote:

Originally posted by smiley21 thanks uf_pike. you are a cool guy after all

[/B]

Thank you sweets.....

Munchkin03 · #9 03-10-2003, 04:04 PM

I never thought I'd say this, but...I am going to have to agree with UF_Pike on this. Parents, even though we don't always want to realize it, see things that we don't--especially if we're close with our parents. I know parents who have urged their daughters to stay away from certain men--I guess mothers have some sort of crazy intuition about this sort of stuff--and it turns out that the guys really are bad news. I guess after a certain amount of time, someone with experience can see sketch from a million miles away. Or, maybe it's just easy to realize a younger person's faults.

Dealing with the opposite sex parent in matters of the heart can be difficult. I've just realized that my father has very very high expectations of us, and that includes our romantic partners. It's not that we'd be encouraged to break up with our partners, just that they aren't what was expected of us. I guess it's like in Father of the Bride--you just don't want to imagine your little girl growing up and dealing with men.

Does that make sense? It felt like rambling to me.

smiley21 · #10 03-10-2003, 04:09 PM

i get the whole thing with parents. however, my mom is very overbearing. i am twenty and i still live with her. so i get treated like i am fifteen. her take on this guy has a lot to do with religious views. too difficult to get into.
my dad just isnt the best one to talk to about relationships. he doesnt have a very good track record. i am not insulting him. i just dont want him to have the final say with me.

AUDeltaGam · #11 03-10-2003, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Munchkin03
I never thought I'd say this, but...I am going to have to agree with UF_Pike on this. Parents, even though we don't always want to realize it, see things that we don't--especially if we're close with our parents.

I'm going to have to also agree with UF_Pike's statement. Parents REALLY do know what they are talking about, even if we don't see it right away. I've been in a similar situation where I was dating this guy, and my parents liked him as a person, but not as a potential husband-type person. Love really does blind you, and I never saw the things my parents were telling me until we broke up (not because of my parents). Now, looking back, I know that my parents were right and I am SO much better off without him!! Even if you don't follow what your parents tell you, atleast listen to it and give it some thought!

Remember, everything happens for a reason!

amycat412 · #12 03-10-2003, 06:24 PM

OK I have to disagree on the parents thing.

Only YOU know, and maybe your best friend, what is right for you.

my mom LOVED my ex-husband. LOVED HIM., Could not encourage enough me to marry him, called me 24 hours a day saying do it he's wonderful. And even tho my own gut said not to do it, I thought mom must know something I didn't. So I married him. Guy turned out to be an abusive prick.

my mom LOVED my ex boyfriend K. LOVED LOVED LOVED him. I didn't.

My mom is not too thrilled w mr. amycat. She doesn't even know him, actually, but she's made this decision. And I've never been happier, never been treated better in my life.

You've got to do what you know is right. Your parents don't have to live your life, YOU do.

ADPiViolets · #13 03-10-2003, 08:26 PM

Don't let your parents rule your life... but I must say that it makes things 1,000 times easier when they like your significant other.

smiley21 · #14 03-10-2003, 09:14 PM

okay so here's the deal. i finally talked to him. basically it was what i have been dreading all along. he said that we are just casually dating. he is not interested in anyone else but we should be free to see other people if we wanted too. it hurts. i dont like that at all. but what can i do. basically its like a broken heart but without the pain of not having him in my life. cause we are still seeing each other. my parents are not making things easy (he said that in so many words) somebody please shoot me so i can be out of my misery. for months i have dreaded the thought of not having him in my life. now the possibility is hanging over my head. i am such a fool.

Munchkin03 · #15 03-10-2003, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by amycat412
OK I have to disagree on the parents thing.

Only YOU know, and maybe your best friend, what is right for you.

my mom LOVED my ex-husband. LOVED HIM., Could not encourage enough me to marry him, called me 24 hours a day saying do it he's wonderful. And even tho my own gut said not to do it, I thought mom must know something I didn't. So I married him. Guy turned out to be an abusive prick.

my mom LOVED my ex boyfriend K. LOVED LOVED LOVED him. I didn't.

My mom is not too thrilled w mr. amycat. She doesn't even know him, actually, but she's made this decision. And I've never been happier, never been treated better in my life.

You've got to do what you know is right. Your parents don't have to live your life, YOU do.

Amycat, that's absolutely true...when you're a certain age. When you get over 30 or so, you have enough experience to make a pretty sound judgement about these things. When you're 18-22, you don't have enough perspective. There's a big difference between telling a 20 year old and telling a 30 year old to "do what they know is right". I won't let my parents oversee my love life, and they have no bearing on who I date, but at 22, I know they see things that I don't.

Of course, if the 'rents are acting nutty due to racial, socioeconomic, or religious differences, drop everything I said.