What Women Fear According to Lifetime

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Five Anxieties That Hold Us Back
By Lisa Earle McLeod for Lifetime Television


Forget the bogeyman and Dracula. What really scares us is the discouraging voice in our head that chips away at our confidence. Thomas Leonard, a coaching guru and personal friend of mine who died at the age of 47, believed that there are five universal human fears that keep people awake at night. His advice on overcoming these anxieties in order to live life to the fullest are his legacy to the world, and I want to share them with you. You'll probably take comfort in the knowledge that those crazy thoughts rattling around in your head are a normal part of the human condition — and you may find solace by following some of this inspiring advice.

Fear # 1: There isn't enough.
Whether it's time, money, opportunity or love, the fear of scarcity keeps us living in the uneasy shadow of the green-eyed monster. "Maybe it's because I'm from a big family, where you had to grab if you wanted the last biscuit, that I get jealous when others do well at work," says Susan, a 26-year-old environmental consultant. "It's as if their success is somehow going to infringe on mine."

Better living strategy: It's hard to swallow when another person gets something you want for yourself, but keep in mind the good-karma law — good things come to those who adopt an abundance mentality. It has been scientifically proven that the simple act of being kind and giving can actually boost your immune system. So let the spirit of generosity be your guide, and think about how you can create more pie for everyone instead of trying to get a bigger piece for yourself. Bring in doughnuts for your co-workers, praise someone publicly, or help a working mom in a pinch — it will all come back to you in spades.

Fear # 2: They won't like me anymore.
The shrill voice that stops us from pushing for the big promotion, taking a fashion risk or opening up to a new boyfriend is rooted in a fear of rejection. Unfortunately, it can keep us from getting what we desire most. "I used to be afraid to speak up in meetings, but then I had a boss take me aside and tell me he hired me because he valued my opinions," says Tracy, a 33-year-old marketing manager. "He added that if I wanted to move up, I'd better start sharing my ideas."

Better living strategy: Next time you're afraid to go for it, ask yourself, What's the worst-case scenario here? The truth is, revealing your real self — aspirations, struggles and all — usually makes others like you more, not less; people want to be around individuals who aren't afraid to reveal their flaws, because it gives them permission to do the same. Also, remember that most people are so wrapped up in their own insecurities that they aren't spending a whole lot of time worrying about you.

Fear # 3: It's too good to last.
Why is it that we believe happiness is fleeting? "My husband will do something really sweet for me and I'll find myself waiting for him to tell me he didn't mean it," says Amy, a 25-year-old newlywed. "I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop." This deep-seated fear is usually rooted in past experiences that can skew our perspective of the world. One example is growing up listening to your parents fight about unpaid bills and then believing that you weren't built to be financially secure. Sometimes you sabotage your own happiness just to prove yourself right, like when you pick a fight with an adoring boyfriend.

Better living strategy: Before you decide that a good situation is temporary, ask yourself whether your assumption is based on the past or the present. If voices from your past keep telling you that you don't deserve to be happy, create a new mantra for yourself. My personal favorite is "Everything always works out great for me." Tack up your "I deserve happiness" message above your desk or mirror; it's bound to have some effect. Give yourself permission to enjoy good moments by focusing your attention on the here and now and on all the things for which you are grateful.

Fear # 4: I'll be found out.
We all secretly believe that we're just faking it in the grown-up world and pulling the wool over everyone else's eyes. Take me, for example. I'm always afraid people are going to find out that I'm not actually a real writer, the kind with profound thoughts who speaks in prose. In my own mind, I'm just a funny woman who reads a lot. Imagine my relief when my friend Lisa told me that despite the huge success of her book, "Stop Getting Dumped!" and her syndicated relationship column, she often feels that she isn't a real writer either.

Better living strategy: That little voice in your head doesn't always know what it's talking about. After all, your admirers are smart people, right? Next time somebody sends a compliment your way, document the evidence. Write it down, save the e-mail, engrave it on your head if you have to — just have it available the next time you need an ego boost. I've created a folder on my computer desktop labeled Positive Reinforcement, so I'm never more than a few clicks away from glowing praise.

Fear # 5: My life doesn't matter.
If the everyday chaos of laundry, e-mail and car trouble has you questioning the point of it all, you're not alone. We often get so mired in daily details that we fail to see how all our small victories and happy interactions add up to something special and unique over the course of a lifetime. "Over the years I've conquered most of my fears, and I've helped my clients do the same," says Kristi Lucariello, a personal coach for women. "But I'm still figuring out how I can create a legacy for myself." Even self-help gurus want to know their lives count for something in the grand scheme of things.

Better living strategy: Take a step back and look at the big picture. What gives your life value are the deep, true connections you've forged with others. Whether it's your family, friends or co-workers, your relationships are the legacy you leave to the world. Focus on enriching your bonds and you'll find yourself moving beyond your fears to a life filled with joy and meaning.