When Is It Too Young to be Married?

[Monique]

I was just thinking. With all the talk about Kobe getting married and stuff whats the big deal. Do u guys feel that they were to young? I'm 20 years old and i am engaged to an 18 year old. We've been together for 3 years and when i wear my ring i get that *Oh your to young right.. live a little, u might find someone else in college speech I feel that if I'm happy and in love WHATS THE BIG DEAL.. It makes me feel like I cannot think for myself. Its not like we flying down the aisle tomorrow
CAN SOMEONE PLEASEEEEE GIVE ME SOME IMPUT ON THIS.
THANKS

[Shalom2U]

DST's reply is SOUND/WISE Counsel...reread it again and again Monique, and again if you need to. It can't be broken down no clearer then that my Sisterfriend.

I got married six months fresh out of college
at the tender age of 21 because "Daddy and Mommy, I LOVE him" (I was LEGAL and I equated that with being sooooooo GROWN)!

Originally posted by DST Love:
Now I don't know when you plan to get married and I'm not saying break up or don't get married, but just let a lot more time pass so that you can really try and understand yourself and all of the new experiences, changes, and struggles that life will bring.
[This message has been edited by DST Love (edited April 26, 2001).][/B]

Shalom Monique~

[Monique]

lol@shalom ..I Love Him..Gyrl, how many times have I said That One..Thanks dstlove..U really put some thoughts into my head.!!

[Eclipse]

Originally posted by DST Love:
What people don't get is that love is the easy part of the relationship, but it doesn't make things work. If it did, wouldn't everyone in the world be married to their first and only boy/girlfriend.

Not to mention, love doesn't pay bills. Money can be a big factor on why marriages don't work. Not that people leave just because of money issues, but when you have to argue and worry all the time about your financial situation, then it starts to chip away at your relationship. You have less time and energy to focus on each other for all the worrying and stress. You need to know the amount of money that both or one (for stay at home moms) of you have the potential to bring in for the rest of your life, how both of you deal with money, are you both investment focused, etc.

You also need to be on one accord in terms of religion, family values, overall morals, etc. What if one of you believes in spanking children and the other doesn't? What if one goes to church a couple a night a week and the other won't? What if one wants no children and the other wants four? What if one wants to be a stay at home parent but the other strongly opposes? What about both sides of the family? Can either of you deal with them? Because you'll have to forever in one way or another. I could go on and on with questions. If you don't share these same values, then your relationship will suffer and your children will be raised in a house divided. These and many, many more are questions that my boyfriend and I made sure we have the same answers to. If you don't share the same opinions or values, then you know it's time to walk away before you get married. The worst thing to do is get married thinking the other will change eventually.

When you are in a relationship, it's a little easier to walk out if something doesn't suit you. However, is that the type of marriage you would want? While I've never been married, I know you have to be a hell of a lot stronger emotionally, spritually and mentally to deal with issues as opposed to just walking out when you don't like something.

While one never quits growing, I imagine that childhood to full adulthood (not just being 18 or 21, but being completely independent in your thinking as well as financially) is a crucial stage in terms of your relationships, i.e. with God, family, friends, lovers, and others.

Now I don't know when you plan to get married and I'm not saying break up or don't get married, but just let a lot more time pass so that you can really try and understand yourself and all of the new experiences, changes, and struggles that life will bring.

I wish you success and happiness in all of your future endeavors.


[This message has been edited by DST Love (edited April 26, 2001).]

I saw Monique's post earlier and wanted to respond, but did not have the time, but thanks to DST Love now I won't have to! You broke it down. Great information for you Monique....

[DST Love]

Originally posted by Monique:
I was just thinking. With all the talk about Kobe getting married and stuff whats the big deal. Do u guys feel that they were to young? I'm 20 years old and i am engaged to an 18 year old. We've been together for 3 years and when i wear my ring i get that *Oh your to young right.. live a little, u might find someone else in college speech I feel that if I'm happy and in love WHATS THE BIG DEAL.. It makes me feel like I cannot think for myself. Its not like we flying down the aisle tomorrow
CAN SOMEONE PLEASEEEEE GIVE ME SOME IMPUT ON THIS.
THANKS

Sorry but this is a long post.
First of all I am not purposely trying to discourage you from getting married, but believe me when I say you haven't learned or experienced enough yet. Now I can't say that you definitely need to experience other people. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But I have been with my boyfriend since high school, although we had a break-up or two in college. But I will say, that we both have grown so much mentally, spiritually, and emotionally in the few years since graduating college. About midway through college, everyone was saying "when are you guys getting married...you've been together for X years". But thank God we were both mature enough to understand that our individual lives hadn't really even begun yet. Now it just so happens that even though we've both grown substantially and have changed our opinions on a lot of different subjects, we share those same new opinions and have grown closer together. But what if, through learning more about ourselves, we started going in completely different directions. Well, it'd certainly be better to find this out before getting married.

What people don't get is that love is the easy part of the relationship, but it doesn't make things work. If it did, wouldn't everyone in the world be married to their first and only boy/girlfriend.

Not to mention, love doesn't pay bills. Money can be a big factor on why marriages don't work. Not that people leave just because of money issues, but when you have to argue and worry all the time about your financial situation, then it starts to chip away at your relationship. You have less time and energy to focus on each other for all the worrying and stress. You need to know the amount of money that both or one (for stay at home moms) of you have the potential to bring in for the rest of your life, how both of you deal with money, are you both investment focused, etc.

You also need to be on one accord in terms of religion, family values, overall morals, etc. What if one of you believes in spanking children and the other doesn't? What if one goes to church a couple a night a week and the other won't? What if one wants no children and the other wants four? What if one wants to be a stay at home parent but the other strongly opposes? What about both sides of the family? Can either of you deal with them? Because you'll have to forever in one way or another. I could go on and on with questions. If you don't share these same values, then your relationship will suffer and your children will be raised in a house divided. These and many, many more are questions that my boyfriend and I made sure we have the same answers to. If you don't share the same opinions or values, then you know it's time to walk away before you get married. The worst thing to do is get married thinking the other will change eventually.

When you are in a relationship, it's a little easier to walk out if something doesn't suit you. However, is that the type of marriage you would want? While I've never been married, I know you have to be a hell of a lot stronger emotionally, spritually and mentally to deal with issues as opposed to just walking out when you don't like something.

While one never quits growing, I imagine that childhood to full adulthood (not just being 18 or 21, but being completely independent in your thinking as well as financially) is a crucial stage in terms of your relationships, i.e. with God, family, friends, lovers, and others.

Now I don't know when you plan to get married and I'm not saying break up or don't get married, but just let a lot more time pass so that you can really try and understand yourself and all of the new experiences, changes, and struggles that life will bring.

I wish you success and happiness in all of your future endeavors.


[This message has been edited by DST Love (edited April 26, 2001).]

[DSTSolo01]

I don't believe this topic has been posted before, but I'll take the risk.... This question is open to everyone: Do you think there is such a thing as being too young to get married? Or do you think people need to be together for a certain length of time before they get married? Just interested in hearing everyone's view on this issue. Thanks!

[Special1920]

I got married at 21, 4 months after I graduated college. I married a man I only knew 4 months. No one thought I was too young, or that I hadn't known him long enough. Both our families were supportive. We were both young, and we grew together or should I say grew up together. We had 11 wonderful years together, he died of cancer 5 years ago. No regrets, we wanted it, and worked hard to keep it.

[c&c1913]

I don't think it's so much as age as it is maturity and responsibility. Although I've never been close to the altar, but I have seen people divorce after three months. I think people need to learn that marriage = commitment. Living the single life while married, will never work. I also believe communication is key. Learning to talk to your mate instead of bad mouthing them to your family and friends doesn't help especially when they give you one-sided advice. A Soror I know is getting married next year and they're about to complete spiritual counseling. Last week's topic was on "Leave and Cleave". Basically leaving all of your ex's, friends, mama, etc. behind.