Walking on eggshells

Dionysus · #1 05-13-2003, 12:34 PM

What do you to people who you constantly have to walk on eggshells around?

I have an aunt who we are close to, matter of fact she partially raised us as kids. She lives close to us, she doesn't have a car, so we have to drive her around all the time...no problem with that. Problem is that she is very hard to get along with because everything and I mean EVERYTHING offends her. Me and my youngest brother seems to be her favorite victims...I assume because we put up with it the least.

She's the type even if someone gives her a look more than 5 seconds it will end up in confrontation. She has accused us of stealing her things...in which it always turns up because she actually LOST it. She has also accused us of spreading lies about her.

Whenever I can't take her somewhere and I ask her to ask someone else for a ride, she accuses me of "sticking" her w/ someone else. This is just the tip of the ice berg. And...if she would to ever read this we would be dead, lol.

This is where it gets worse, whenever we refuse to put up w/ the drama she tells us things like, "You all don't love me...I did so much for you all" or "If it wasn't for me, you all would be NOTHING". Yep, blatant manipulation.

So...to avoid confrontation w/ her, we are very vigilant about what comes out of our mouths when we are around her. But, nope that doesn't help, she will still get offended about something.

Sometimes, we rub it in. Whenever she accuses us of stealing her things, we tell her not only we stole it but we SOLD it too, lol. Or, whenever she tells us that we don't love or appreciate her, we AGREE with her. That doesn't work either.

Last, we tell her whatever SHE wants to hear...non stop flattery. The most effective, however it STILL doesn't work time to time. We can say something totally nice and she would twist our words around to make it negative.

Lately we got to the point where we avoid her period. And because of this...it's really straining our realtionship w/ our dad because she's his (adopted) sister. He tells us that we are extremely nonconsiderate, selfish, and disrespectful because we don't want to be bothered with her. Whatever.

How can we end this madness?

MooseGirl · #2 05-13-2003, 12:49 PM

Does she have a problem? like literally...is she ill?

It sounds a LOT like my mother, and my mother is mentally ill.
The only thing I do is avoidance...I see her as little as possible. Even screen her calls often.
What's odd is my dad thinks I should try harder to get along(yet they are divorced so he doesn't have to put up with her!).

Anyway, I think you should just keep doin what u r doin, tell your dad you are sorry, but you tried your best. You are now an adult and allowed to make decisions on who gets to abuse you and put you down(cuz it sounds like that's what she's doin).

good luck!

valkyrie · #3 05-13-2003, 12:50 PM

That's rough. Why doesn't your dad drive her everywhere she wants to go?

I have to say that I am a firm believer in the idea that people like that, who are difficult and just plain mean, really deserve to be alone. If she is that unpleasant and downright nasty, I don't see why you should have to expose yourselves to that. Maybe I'm just an intolerant brat, but I just wouldn't do stuff for her.

aephi alum · #4 05-13-2003, 06:22 PM

If you have to drive her everywhere she wants to go... just take her somewhere... and don't pick her up

Seriously, just avoid her as much as possible. If you think your dad can be levelheaded enough, tell him why you won't do her bidding unless she shapes up.

Dionysus · #5 05-13-2003, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by MooseGirl
Does she have a problem? like literally...is she ill?

She has a severe case of diabetes. She's also in her mid 60's and we BELIEVE that she is in the early stage Alzheimer's disease...but guess what, she won't go to the doctor to get it diagnosed and treated.

XOMichelle · #6 05-13-2003, 11:46 PM

eeekkk...... The best idea is trying to limit contact to your duties and stick with the non-stop flattery. I feel like this kind of personality is common for older people when they feel like they are losing touch.
If it really bothers you, I would sit down and tell her in a calm, hurt, trying to please way that she hurts you with some of her comments. If she thinks she hurts (instead of just annoys) you when she is mean, she might think twice about her actions. If she still acts like you are the scum of the earth after such an effort to try and make her feel loved, then ditch her!

Silverblue · #7 05-14-2003, 05:51 PM

It definitely sounds like the early stages of Alzheimer's disease or an Alzheimer's-related dementia. Is it possible she's been having mini strokes? If so, she could have multi-infarct dementia. If she does have dementia, sitting down with her and trying to reason with her would be a waste of time. She truly believes the things she's saying. Alzheimer's patients tend to hide possessions. She's not losing them; she's hiding them because she thinks "someone" is trying to steal them, and then she forgets where she put the items. Many dementia patients also exhibit paranoia. Hallucinations and delusions could follow. Having experience in this area as a caregiver, I advise you to contact a lawyer, and whatever agency in your area oversees elder care. In my state, you can be named an emergency guardian, which means you can force her to obtain medical treatment. I'd advise your family to start investigating options now for her future care.

Lady Pi Phi · #8 05-14-2003, 07:31 PM

Just a side note. You can't officially diagnose Alzheimer's until the person is deceased.

Silverblue · #9 05-14-2003, 07:39 PM

That's true. But based on diagnoses that have been made through autopsies and previous patterns of behavior, medical personnel can make a good guess, and patients' families can make modifications and plans based on that. But this illustrates why it's so important to see a physician. Oher conditions can produce sypmtoms that mimic those of Alzheimer's. About 45 conditions can produce dementia, and not all dementia cases are Alzheimer's.

XOMichelle · #10 05-15-2003, 07:57 PM

Tell us how things go D!
-M

loviest95 · #11 05-20-2003, 01:04 PM

I have an great-aunt (by marriage) that is a EGGSHELL. She is very unhappy about many many things. Her child committed suicide (about 30 years ago upon returning from Vietnam). She is still dealing with his death on a daily basis. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HER PAIN in that area.

It is the other things:

She lived in our family home for 50+ years with my uncle (it was my greatgrandmother's home) When my uncle died she wanted to move. We (our entire family tied to get her to stay). She said we wanted her to be miserable--alone with all of those sad memories.

She has now moved and she tell everyone that my family MADE her LEAVE after living there 50+ years!

Then there are the stories of how everyone has done her wrong:
She goes on and on about how people made fun of her because she wore corrective shoes (in high school)
or
How my great grandmother hurt her feelings when she was dating uncle (mind you this was 50+ years ago)

and if you send her flowers it hurts her feelings because it reminds her of funerals--butif you don't send her flowers then she says no one cares

Whew!!

Peaches-n-Cream · #12 05-20-2003, 02:59 PM

These posts are really sad. I had many neighbors in their 80s and some in their 90s who are the way you described. One of my neighbors sort of attached herself to me. She had two sons who never visited and no grandchildren. She was lonely and widowed. She just needed someone to visit and help her out with errands like grocery shopping. I enjoyed talking to her. I learned a lot about what life was like when she was a young woman. She was born in 1909. I found that when I spent some time with her, she was in a better mood. She was really pleasant to be around. I am not one of her relatives so I had a little emotional distance.

I think that sometimes elderly people see that so many of their friends and family members including spouses and children have passed away, and miss them, and they know that they are at the end of their lives. Sometimes they feel afraid and regret for the things that they have or have not done. Sometimes they are physically ill and they suffer from depression and loneliness. I think that their hostility and anger is a mask or a way to cope. I think that they need your patience, understanding, and your time. The only advice I can offer is to show them that you love them, respect them, and that they are valued by you and your family.