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I need a little help (and no not that kind. lol.)
I'm doing this writing exercize and I need help. I've read the piece many times, but since I wrote the story I read what isn't there as much as I read what is. So, I'm not entirely sure what it's missing, what makes sense, and what doesn't. This is why I am asking you kind souls on the interwebs to read it and give me:
1. General critique
2. What you think the couple is talking about
The prompt is:
Write a piece in which a man and a woman go into a mattress store to buy a bed. The couple can only talk about the bed, but must nonetheless reveal through the conversation the real situation between them.
It's 8:45 pm and a couple has just pulled up outside of Furniture Depot. I pray that they're going to another store. Any other store in the strip mall. They're not. I know because every other store in this mall closes at 7pm while we close at 9pm. Why people wait until the last minute to shop for items that require more than last minute effort is a question I still haven't answered. I've been here for three years and it still amazes me that people do this. He's helping her out of the car. God, I hope she isnt pregnant. The pregnant ones take forever. Here they come. In 5, 4, 3, 2...
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The sound of the alarm on the front door announces the arrival of my last customers of the night.
They're definitely a good looking pair. Too good looking. They look perfect for each other. Perfect doesn't exist. Selling mattresses has taught me that. Most people never find a mattress that's just
right for them. Its next to impossible when the mattress has to suit two people.
"How can I help you?" I say.
"We need a new bed" she replies in a rush as if she's telling a secret and doesnt want to be overheard.
"Would you like to see bedroom sets or mattresses first" I ask.
They glance at each other. Actually, he glances out of the side of his eye while she turns to give him a full on glare.
He hesitates then says "we really just need a mattress."
As I take a step toward our mattress area she responds "we'll look at furnishings after we've selected a mattress."
"Great! We have quite a large selection of mattresses. What size are you looking to purchase tonight?" I try be nice, but the tonight comes out with just a bit of edge to it. My tone is evidently reflecting my mood because the man gives me an apologetic look.
"Queen" she says.
"King" he replies.
They speak at the same time. She turns to him with a frown on her face.
"A king size bed is too large and it wont fit the box spring and bedroom set we have at home" she argues.
"So. We'll just get a new set. You said we'd look at furnishings after we pick a mattress" he counters in a seemingly nonchalant tone.
"I said we'd look. I didn't say we'd actually buy one. We haven't even budgeted for that expense" she says quickly.
"I--WE can afford it. We don't always have to plan and budget to get a new mattress or bedroom set" he says with more force than seems necessary.
"Plus, the one at home is old and neither of us really enjoyed it in the first place" he argues.
"The one at home isn't THAT old and it's grown on me. We can't get rid of something just because there are things we don't like about it" she says softly.
He takes a deep breath.
"No. We can't." He replies in a tone softer than before.
"Well, why don't we try both sizes and pick whichever we like best" he supplies with a smile.
She gives a small smile in response and takes his hand as they turn to face what looks like a sea of white fluffy clouds.
"I'm going to let you have some time to explore your options. If you need anything I'll be at the customer service desk" I say to excuse myself and give them some much needed privacy.
"Thanks" he calls out to me over his shoulder as I walk away.
************************************************** *****
He turns to her and asks "where do you want to start?"
She's been quiet for a long while. Too long.
"You've bought more mattresses than I have. I've only ever bought our one mattress" she replies.
"I haven't tried that many. And ours was the best" he assures her.
"I'll bet. Is that why you abandoned it when it couldn't give you what you wanted?" She speaks the words with a pain infused voice.
"What do you mean? I've never abandoned our mattress. No matter what I did or didn't get from it" he proclaims with a voice filled with shock and outrage.
"So, what about those nights when you slept on the sofa in your office or the nights you spent nestled on a serenity mattress at one Hilton Hotel or another? Where was your loyalty to the mattress at home then?" Her back is straight as a rod and there's fire in her eyes. She spits out the words as if they have a vile taste.
"My loyalty was exactly where it should've been. My mattress was at home instead of with me." He says with a tone hardened with anger. He turns away from her to compose himself.
"Look, what about this one" he asks as he sits on a king size Serta mattress and bounces a few times.
She climbs onto the other side of the bed and lies down. In an instant she is back on her feet.
"Too soft" she proclaims and moves on to a firm queen size mattress.
"Now, this one is nice. What do you think of this one" she asks as she peers up at him from the bed.
"Too rigid" he replies.
"You haven't even tried it. How can you claim it's rigid?" she questions her indignation at his hasty judgment of the mattress evident.
"I can look at it and tell. I don't have to sit on it to know the obvious" he responds dismissively.
"A mattress shouldn't be judged just by a cursory glance. There's more to it than just the way it looks" she tells him as she gets up from the mattress.
He sits on the mattress. His mind is made up before his butt touches the padding.
"Rigid. Just like I said. Can we move on?"
"No! You haven't even given the mattress a fair chance. If you're determined to believe it is rigid then that's what it'll be. Maybe if you'd be open enough to see that this mattress has been through a multitude of tests and trials you wouldn't be so quick to call it rigid."
He steps toward the mattress, but she stops him.
"Don't bother. We can move on" she says.
He releases an exasperated sigh.
"You ask me to give the mattress a fair shake and when I try you stop me" he says clearly frustrated and baffled by her actions.
"You should give the mattress a fair shake because that's what YOU think the mattress deserves. Not because I want you to. Let's move on to the next one."
She turns toward the sea of mattresses. There seem to be so many. She wonders how they will get through all of them. He remains fixed standing next to the rejected queen size mattress. She turns around to find him in the same spot almost transfixed.
"What's wrong" she asks.
He glances at her with eyes filled with concern and uncertainty.
"M-Maybe we should get one of those, those sleep number mattresses. The sides are separated so we could each have what we want."
He quickly looks away from her to avoid any answer she might give with her eyes. His shoulders are slumped and he is braced for a blow. She hurries over to him and takes one of his hands in to one of her own. She uses the other hand to force him to meet her gaze.
"We will NOT be getting a sleep number. A sleep number mattress is out of the question. I don't care if we have to try every mattress in here. We'll find one. We'll make one of these mattresses work. Even," She pauses.
"Even if we have to call the salesperson over here to help us we'll find a mattress that makes both of us happy. Got it" she asks with absolutely no hint of questioning in her tone.
"You'd really call the salesman" he asks his face a mask of surprise.
"I mean, nobody likes sales people. They're pushy and always all in your business trying to sell you something extra that you don't need and acting like they know you. They, They--"
"Shhh. Its okay" she soothes. "I know what they do and if we need a salesperson then we need a salesperson. Simple as that. Okay?"
"Okay" he smiles.
"So, do you want to try some more mattresses or just call the salesman?"
"It's been quite some time since we've bought a mattress so I think we should try a few more" he answers.
************************************************** ****
It's 9:30. I've got to get home. I'm glad I TIVO'd the game because these two look like they could take a lifetime. I hate to have to interrupt the moment they seem to be having, but if I don't they'll be here all night. I'll go over and pretend to check on them. That should hurry them along.
"Decided yet" I ask from behind them clearly catching them off guard.
She's looking lovingly up at him.
"We're not 100 percent sure, but could you show us the best king size mattresses you have? Preferably the soft ones." she says to me.
"You know I think it'd probably be better if you showed us your best firm mattress. I heard they provide the best back support." He smiles and takes her hand.
"If it suits you I can show you a mattress that's the best of both worlds" I say.
"Not a sleep number" they both respond with stern looks of disapproval.
"No, a Comfortaire. It's the best mattress we have in stock. This mattress will give you the best of both worlds. I've nick named it "the compromise mattress". 85% of people who've bought it claim it's very comfortable" I tell them as I look through our inventory list. "Hmm. Our largest Comfortaire in stock is a queen size. We can have a king in a week or so" I explain.
"Actually, the queen sounds great. It'll fit the furniture we have at home" he says.
He looks adoringly into her eyes and says "I love that bedroom set more than I ever realized."
I lead them over to the mattress and gesture toward it.
"Here it is. Feel free to try it."
They both briefly glance at the mattress.
"We'll take it" they say in unison.
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