Needing advice

e17 · #1 09-21-2013, 07:59 PM

So a few weeks ago I accepted a bid from my top choice. And although it was my top choice, I didn't feel like it was the perfect fit for me. There are only a few chapters to choose from at my school, and when I went through recruitment I never felt that overwhelming sense of being "home" when talking with any of the girls. Most conversations felt forced or just seemed like small talk. I chose to go though the process because I am a transfer student and didn't know a single person when I made the switch to the new school. Some of my older friends at other universities made the decision to go Greek and loved it, so I wanted to give it a shot too.

On bid day, we were paired up with the person who felt they shared a connection with us during recruitment. This person is supposed to guide you through the new member process, get you plugged in, and adjust you to Greek life, almost like a mentor. The girl I was paired with was very sweet to me during recruitment, and told some of the other members about how much she liked me. But ever since I first joined, communication between her and I has been almost non-existent. She has not come to any of the events or chapters so far, which has left me by myself (we were mainly supposed to hang out with the person we were paired with at these events and ceremonies). It has put me in an awkward position and I feel like it's put me at a disadvantage when it comes to meeting the active members. On facebook I keep seeing pictures of new members hanging out with the active member that they were paired outside of greek events, and it's making me feel weird that I have not done any of that yet. When I've tried reaching out to her, she has been busy. Of course I have been talking to people at everything on my own, but it's very noticeable that she is never with me.

I was uncertain about my decision to join Greek life because of my feelings during recruitment, and am starting to consider dropping before I become initiated. I feel a little bit left out, and I'm still not really bonding with anyone. I have heard so many amazing stories from friends at other universities who fell in love with their chapters, but I'm not sure if that love will come.

I know I sound dramatic but it's a big decision to drop and I want to have the best college experience possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

DubaiSis · #2 09-21-2013, 08:17 PM

First, you are experiencing Unicorns Pooping Rainbows syndrome. You thought everything was going to be that, and it isn't. This is very normal. You'll adapt with time and things will smooth out for you. Everyone adapts, makes friends, feels comfortable, etc. at their own pace. And the girls who seem SOOOO much more in the group could be having a lot of the same misgivings as you. Don't give your feelings more significance than it deserves, which is SOME, but not TONS.

Second, talk to your NM Ed person, your chapter president, ANY sister who seems open to helping. You got a dud for a big (or whatever she's call at this level in your chapter). It happens, especially when chapters get more pledges than is typical. Don't let that ruin the rest of your sorority experience. You need to point out that you're not feeling welcome and you feel like you need someone who is more engaged in the chapter to help you in the process of growing that feeling of sisterhood.

In short, before you quit, put some time in to improve your situation. And step one is letting someone know how you feel. Yes it will feel uncomfortable and probably completely awkward, but if you're going to make it work you will have to stick your neck out.

Missouri Ivy · #3 09-21-2013, 08:19 PM

It's too bad that your "buddy" went MIA, but it happens. She may be having a killer semester, or like me, when one semester I had a class that was only offered every other spring during our weekly chapter meeting. Is there someone in your new member group you get along well with? Perhaps you could join her when she and her buddy do something. Or, ask your buddy when a good time to hang out would be. I got to know a lot of girls in my group just by hanging out in our chapter's suite between classes. I know it's not easy, but the more you put yourself out there, the easier it gets. Help paint a banner, decorate for formal, play an IM. There are lots of opportunities. Good luck!

Nanners52674 · #4 09-21-2013, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by e17

So a few weeks ago I accepted a bid from my top choice. And although it was my top choice, I didn't feel like it was the perfect fit for me. There are only a few chapters to choose from at my school, and when I went through recruitment I never felt that overwhelming sense of being "home" when talking with any of the girls. Most conversations felt forced or just seemed like small talk. I chose to go though the process because I am a transfer student and didn't know a single person when I made the switch to the new school. Some of my older friends at other universities made the decision to go Greek and loved it, so I wanted to give it a shot too.

On bid day, we were paired up with the person who felt they shared a connection with us during recruitment. This person is supposed to guide you through the new member process, get you plugged in, and adjust you to Greek life, almost like a mentor. The girl I was paired with was very sweet to me during recruitment, and told some of the other members about how much she liked me. But ever since I first joined, communication between her and I has been almost non-existent. She has not come to any of the events or chapters so far, which has left me by myself (we were mainly supposed to hang out with the person we were paired with at these events and ceremonies). It has put me in an awkward position and I feel like it's put me at a disadvantage when it comes to meeting the active members. On facebook I keep seeing pictures of new members hanging out with the active member that they were paired outside of greek events, and it's making me feel weird that I have not done any of that yet. When I've tried reaching out to her, she has been busy. Of course I have been talking to people at everything on my own, but it's very noticeable that she is never with me.

I was uncertain about my decision to join Greek life because of my feelings during recruitment, and am starting to consider dropping before I become initiated. I feel a little bit left out, and I'm still not really bonding with anyone. I have heard so many amazing stories from friends at other universities who fell in love with their chapters, but I'm not sure if that love will come.

I know I sound dramatic but it's a big decision to drop and I want to have the best college experience possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

QFP

ASTalumna06 · #5 09-21-2013, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

First, you are experiencing Unicorns Pooping Rainbows syndrome. You thought everything was going to be that, and it isn't. This is very normal. You'll adapt with time and things will smooth out for you. Everyone adapts, makes friends, feels comfortable, etc. at their own pace. And the girls who seem SOOOO much more in the group could be having a lot of the same misgivings as you. Don't give your feelings more significance than it deserves, which is SOME, but not TONS.

Second, talk to your NM Ed person, your chapter president, ANY sister who seems open to helping. You got a dud for a big (or whatever she's call at this level in your chapter). It happens, especially when chapters get more pledges than is typical. Don't let that ruin the rest of your sorority experience. You need to point out that you're not feeling welcome and you feel like you need someone who is more engaged in the chapter to help you in the process of growing that feeling of sisterhood.

In short, before you quit, put some time in to improve your situation. And step one is letting someone know how you feel. Yes it will feel uncomfortable and probably completely awkward, but if you're going to make it work you will have to stick your neck out.

This.

It doesn't sound like you're miserable; you just aren't feeling connected because the person who was supposed to help you feel included is MIA. I am willing to bet if you shared these feelings with the President or New Member Educator, they would be more than willing to help you out.

Just be careful what you say. You don't want to say anything bad about this "big" sister. Mention how great she was during recruitment, say that you understand she's busy, then discuss your feelings and concerns. Just don't make it sound like you're blaming her.

DubaiSis · #6 09-21-2013, 08:53 PM

"she seems so busy and doesn't have the time to hang out" is one thing.
"stupid bitch never shows up at anything and I'm left here hanging." totally different. Work out, more or less, what you want to say, and edit it for care and clarity. You want help but I doubt you want to bash this girl. It's easy to be passive-aggressive or seem victim'y. Focus on the positive and the future, not the negative and the past. Learning how to ask for what you want is a skill that many of us wish we had learned earlier in life.