Forgive & Forget or accept & move on?

Pinkgirl · #1 07-02-2002, 09:10 PM

How can a person "forgive" another & move on in a productive relationship after being deceived? I don't use this term loosely either. Among other things, this man invited his "mistress" to his wedding (of course the wife 2 b thought they were associates). I say her love will NEVER be the same. It's very hard to love that hard and be deceived over and over and over again. The relationship with the mistress went on as long as their marriage (a couple of years) before the wife found out, and even then it didn't stop! Any words of advice,wisdom, etc....?

lionlove · #2 07-02-2002, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Pinkgirl
How can a person "forgive" another & move on in a productive relationship after being deceived? I don't use this term loosely either. Among other things, this man invited his "mistress" to his wedding (of course the wife 2 b thought they were associates). I say her love will NEVER be the same. It's very hard to love that hard and be deceived over and over and over again. The relationship with the mistress went on as long as their marriage (a couple of years) before the wife found out, and even then it didn't stop! Any words of advice,wisdom, etc....?

Sure, I believe in forgiveness if the wrongdoer sees the error of his or her ways but that doesn't seem to be the case here. If this behavior didn't stop even after the wife found out, then I don't think there is much hope for them. Is the couple still together?

Peaches-n-Cream · #3 07-03-2002, 12:09 AM

My advice is to get a good lawyer.

Pinkgirl · #4 07-03-2002, 04:56 PM

Yes they r still together. Although he says that nothing is going on anymore, so much trust is gone and so much has happened, the wife doesn't trust at all. She is convinced that to build trust back, u have to give your all and believe in the other person, but for fear of losing her mind, she is very afraid of doing so. In the beginning of all of this, he suggested counseling (seperate then together) and the wife went for 3-4 mths for her sessions.....he went twice. Now that the wind has blown over (so 2 speak) he claims 2 b a changed person and realizes the error in his ways. He says that the whole ordeal was a big mistake and is looking forward to a house and positive things like that.

MEN.......CAN SEX CONTROL YOUR ORGANS 2 THE POINT OF RUINING EVERYTHING?.....TALK 2 ME!!!!! ALSO, COULD SOMETHING LIKE THIS BE CONSIDERED A MISTAKE??!!

Hootie · #5 07-03-2002, 11:14 PM

"Learn to carve your hurts in sand and your benefits in stone"

BUT LEAVE THE JERK!

Time to move on. No trust = No marriage of any use.

James · #6 07-04-2002, 12:52 AM

If you can deal with him cheating on you in the future. Stay and drop the subject. If you can't leave now.

Also, he already cheated for a long time, from the beginning, and after he was discovered also, that doesn't prompt a lot of trust. Sometimes it doesn't matter whether the person will be honest in the future. It matters whether you think they will be. Because if they are honest but you don't believe them, you will equally miserable.

PhiMuNursie · #7 07-04-2002, 02:25 AM

I hear that, if they say they are going to be honest/faithful and you don't believe them, then you might as well leave. BUT, I also think it really depends on how deeply you love the person. Now granted my situation was a lot different than this one, but I think in the name of love you can forgive a whole lot more than you think you're capable of. I NEVER thought I'd be the girl to stay around after cheating episode number 1, much less 2, or 3, but eventually you draw the line somewhere. Now it would take alot for me to go back to that, even though I still care about him.

Bottom line from this post is that it varies from person to person and really only your heart can tell. But in my opinion, once a cheat, always a cheat, but the big question is can you deal with a cheater? The answer to that is different for each situation I think and only in your heart...

Tara
I have a Phi Mu castle...

justamom · #8 07-04-2002, 06:49 AM

A very wise, older friend once told me (forgive my term, but this IS a quote)

"A stiff dick has no conscience."

That was of course an overstatement, but still, it stuck with me all these years. As far as the wife is concerned, she has done the best she can and tried to mend the breach. It takes two to build trust and her husband is/was not participating. Sounds like he uses her for a safety net. She may be doing the same since she doesn't leave. This is so destructive for her. I can't even relate to a woman accepting-repeatedly-such transgressions. She needs to find her courage and walk away before she loses her sense of self. I pretty much believe as PhiMuNursie "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

HE SAYS HE WILL STOP
She needs to ask herself WHY would he stop? I'm sure she has made threats in the past, he MUST have known his actions were KILLING her inside...Yet he didn't stop...he didn't care...he knowingly hurt her...
WHAT HAS CHANGED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE HIM STOP?

Is this what she wants for the rest of her life? That's not love, that's masochism.

James · #9 07-04-2002, 08:47 PM

Justamom,

Many relationships are massochistic in nature. And I'll step out on a limb here and say the very vast majority of people will never find happiness in a relationship.

Why? Because most become worn out by the dating scene (because they don't get the essential secret) and end up settling for someone.

I have seen many a desirable woman that has settled down with a man that doesn't inspire a lot of passion or intense good feelings, but has the dubious benefit of "he doesn't hurt me much".

It puts me in mind of that old adage (for women) "dull dogs make good husbands."

justamom · #10 07-05-2002, 08:18 AM

Sometimes it doesn't matter whether the person will be honest in the future. It matters whether you think they will be. Because if they are honest but you don't believe them, you will equally miserable.

James, this is so true. Perhaps the MOST difficult obstacle to overcome when trying to mend a broken relatioship.

Pinkgirl · #11 07-05-2002, 06:26 PM

Wow Justamom,That;s so true! Mending a broken heart is verrrrry difficult!

MavenofDrec · #12 02-25-2003, 05:46 PM

... Good News
You are a college-educated woman able to stand in the face of adversity and move on...

...Bad News,
he doesn't love you or I should say, is not in love with you. I think he is doing you a favor! Trust me. Better to know now than later, like after a mortgage and a couple of children yikes!

Tom Earp · #13 02-25-2003, 06:57 PM

I regret what JWOW Just said, well even though it is True!

Men and Women have wondering eyes never forget that!

It will last only so long! But my question is how does everyone know that the Scarletia Lady was getting Boinked by the Dude? Just Speculation or did she wear a Sign that said I am Serviceing this Guy?

JWOW, I have come to the conclussion that you are to old for me anyway!

MoxieGrrl · #14 02-25-2003, 08:06 PM

*applauds justamom* Well said!!!

Any man who needs to engage in this kind of behavior has some serious self-esteem issues. Or a small penis. Either way, any woman is too good to deal with the situation you described.

James · #15 02-25-2003, 10:02 PM

Why does he have self-esteem issues? OR a small prick? Isn't it equally likely that he may love the woman he is with, but she doesn't meet all his needs? So he feels the need to wander to be complete?

Quote:

Originally posted by MoxieGrrl
*applauds justamom* Well said!!!

Any man who needs to engage in this kind of behavior has some serious self-esteem issues. Or a small penis. Either way, any woman is too good to deal with the situation you described.