-sigh-

[AlphaGamDiva]

so my mom came into work this morning and let me wait on her and big party there. i really haven't talked too much about the boyfriend to my parents....but i have mentioned him here and there, just not wanting to make a big deal out of it. told them we've been talking and hanging out and that he went to that wedding with me last saturday. and they haven't really asked a lot about him.....then my mom today at work was like, "so is this guy you're talking to nice?" and i was like, "yeah, he's super nice"....and then she was like, "and he's white, right?"......i just looked at her stunned, briefly forgetting how she always seems to ask me that question when i start talking to a guy she's never met before.....and all i could answer with was, "mom, he's really great".

yes, the boy is a black man. a tall, beautiful, foine, strong, smart, and funny black man. my mom was like, "he's not white?!" and immediately my eyes start to fill up b/c i knew this was going to be an issue with my family. we've had numerous talks on the subject even though i have never dated anyone other than white guys, so just as i know how they feel, they know how i feel. i've talked to a few black guys here and there, but nothing serious. done the face thing, all that, whatever....but never any attachment or anything. so. anyway, i tell my mom i don't want to get into it right now and we both just kinda blow it off a lil bit. but she asks what is going on, i tell her it's nothing serious.......and it's not, really. he's my b/f, i totally dig, we spend every minute not at work together, he's already busted out some "if we get married" phrases....but ya know. we just really get along really well and every day that goes by, i like him more and more. i'm not really seeing anything slow down, either.....but still.....nothing too serious........

so my question is: what the hell do i do? me and derrick have already talked about all of this. i've met his whole family and they have been NOTHING but sweet to me. he knows that there will be problems with this, and all he's told me is to take my time about letting them know, and also that he's afraid it'll make us not be able to see each other. i told him before that i would let them know when i am ready to defend our relationship and am ready to have that fight, and to not worry about my family causing our demise. i think that after all the shitty guys i have dealt with, my parents and grandparents should be happy for me for finding such a great guy, no matter what color he is. but they are still in a different era, so ya know.

i don't know what to do. the cat is somewhat out of the bag.....i don't want to hurt my family in any way, but i also think it's horrible for them to be so ignorant as to try and tell me i can't be with him. b/c today, all my mom said after she found out he was black was, "no"....excuse me? i am 22 years old and you are gonna tell me "no" like that about this????

advice to handle this situation PLEEEEASE!

[ilovemyglo]

Hey girl- why can you not call someone back? Love you!
Anyway, Derrick seemed really sweet and was a super cutie, but I would be in the same position if Mike were black. My parents are totally against interracial dating and all I can think is- HELLO! It is 2003 and you have no control cause I am a grown ass woman!
So, here is my $19.04 worth!
You parents were raised in a different time and place, and they don't know the background of your dating- totally. So perhaps you may want to clue them in a little more and show them why all those "white" guys you dated that they could be okay with, were not so good, and show them why Derrick, regardless of color is a great guy.
It isn't going to change their minds. It is not going to make it okay, and unfortunatly nothing will. I doubt your parents will accept it, and if they do it will not be anytime soon. Perhaps having your sister talk to them some may help since I am sure she knows him.
When you have parents that cannot see eye to eye on something like race and dating, it is hard. It is tough because our generation was not raised that way, even by our own parents. They told us not to differentiate people by color, but then when we get older, they expect us to be able to say, okay I can date you because you are white, but not you because you aren't.
Ask them point blank, would you rather me date some trashy, good for nothing, guy, because he is WHITE- even if he totally emotionally abuses me and treats me like dirt?

I love you honey, if you need to talk or want to come here and hang out, call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[valkyrie]

I don't mean this to sound bitchy, but it probably will...

I don't think that your mom is going to change her mind. I don't think that anything you can say or do is going to change her mind. IMHO, she was completely out of line for even asking you if he was white and for saying "No" -- what are you, a five year old in the grocery store picking up a box of cookies that she doesn't want to you to have? I don't think it's an issue of you hurting your family -- it's an issue of your family being unreasonable, and if you living your life the way you want to live it is going to hurt them, then I'm sorry to say, but so be it. I am constantly amazed when parents (mine included, believe me) try to tell their ADULT children what to do. They need to realize that you are an adult and you make your own decisions. It is their job to support you and be there for you. I'm assuming that they think that they raised you to be a smart, thoughtful woman, and now it's time for them to sit back and let you BE that smart, thoughtful woman.

Maybe it's because I'm quite a bit older than you are, but I find myself completely unwilling to put up with shit from anyone, family included. If I were in your place, I would say something like this:

Mom, I am dating a wonderful man who treats me kindly and with respect. If you have a problem with that, call me when you get over it.

[aurora_borealis]

I have never met your family so I cannot speak with certainty. However I think maybe if your parents could meet him, and see that he is a wonderful person, a person that treats you good and that you care about; they may come around. They may not but as long as the person you're with treats you as you deserve to be treated who cares about anything else?

P.S. I've missed you!!!

P.P.S. Please call off the squirrel mafia

P.P.P.S. You're too sexy!!!

P.P.P.P.S. Can't wait to torment you and Fahey with my mentalness when I come to God's Country!!! Next stop GRACELAND!!!

[ilovemyglo]

heehee! We are fun! heehee!

[Jill1228]

Ilovemyglo and my fellow sister valkyrie

I have dealt with this before...except I am black and the guy I was dating was white. (my first love and college sweetheart, we were together for 3 years)

It did not go over well with her and my sister. And to be honest, my sister and mother are NOT the best judges when it comes to men. (My sister had men who treated her like crap and after my parents divorced my mom hooked up with an abusive jerk)

They called me out and I had to get STRAIGHT UP MEDIEVAL on their butts!

They asked, "So what will happen if he calls you a "N" word?"
Note: The only man who has EVER called me that was black--my EX-Father (that is a WHOLE nother talk show).

I said, "Hmmm what did you do when a man called you a Biatch, C-word, cheats on ya or worse, hit you?" NOTHING! You stood there and took the crap! At least I won't be stupid enough to do that!"

No man was evah stupid enough to call me a name like that or hit me

Shut them right on up!

So the moral is, honey go with your heart. If he is good to ya, treats ya well, then hang on to them and tell your mom to back the heck off and get over it!

BTW: My mom and sister like my husband (who is white)

PM me if you want to chat!

Originally posted by valkyrie
I don't mean this to sound bitchy, but it probably will...

I don't think that your mom is going to change her mind. I don't think that anything you can say or do is going to change her mind. IMHO, she was completely out of line for even asking you if he was white and for saying "No" -- what are you, a five year old in the grocery store picking up a box of cookies that she doesn't want to you to have? I don't think it's an issue of you hurting your family -- it's an issue of your family being unreasonable, and if you living your life the way you want to live it is going to hurt them, then I'm sorry to say, but so be it. I am constantly amazed when parents (mine included, believe me) try to tell their ADULT children what to do. They need to realize that you are an adult and you make your own decisions. It is their job to support you and be there for you. I'm assuming that they think that they raised you to be a smart, thoughtful woman, and now it's time for them to sit back and let you BE that smart, thoughtful woman.

Maybe it's because I'm quite a bit older than you are, but I find myself completely unwilling to put up with shit from anyone, family included. If I were in your place, I would say something like this:

Mom, I am dating a wonderful man who treats me kindly and with respect. If you have a problem with that, call me when you get over it.

[lovelyivy84]

*applause* This would be my response too.

BUT, I think that your viewpoint is a byproduct of where you are in life. When you're twenty-two and just getting out into the world, often still being at least partially supported by parents, it can be rougher. People who pay some of your bills do expect to have a certain amount of say-so unfortunately.

Alphagamdiva, if you love him (and I'm not saying you do- that is your call to make) you are going to have to tough it out. Your family is wrong on this, but they ARE your family. I don't know if I could or would put myself in a position that would injure or break my ties with them unless I was ABSOLUTELY damn sure this was love.

I say go with your gut. If you think this is the one then you have to make it an issue now- the sooner they have their hissy fit the sooner they can get over it.

Good luck!

Originally posted by valkyrie
I don't mean this to sound bitchy, but it probably will...

I don't think that your mom is going to change her mind. I don't think that anything you can say or do is going to change her mind. IMHO, she was completely out of line for even asking you if he was white and for saying "No" -- what are you, a five year old in the grocery store picking up a box of cookies that she doesn't want to you to have? I don't think it's an issue of you hurting your family -- it's an issue of your family being unreasonable, and if you living your life the way you want to live it is going to hurt them, then I'm sorry to say, but so be it. I am constantly amazed when parents (mine included, believe me) try to tell their ADULT children what to do. They need to realize that you are an adult and you make your own decisions. It is their job to support you and be there for you. I'm assuming that they think that they raised you to be a smart, thoughtful woman, and now it's time for them to sit back and let you BE that smart, thoughtful woman.

Maybe it's because I'm quite a bit older than you are, but I find myself completely unwilling to put up with shit from anyone, family included. If I were in your place, I would say something like this:

Mom, I am dating a wonderful man who treats me kindly and with respect. If you have a problem with that, call me when you get over it.

[bethany1982]

Weigh the consequences and follow your heart. It does not sound like your family will change. If you are ok with strained family relationships, go for it. If you allow your family to dictate who you date or fall in love with now, what else will they attempt to control in the future?

[Kristin AGD]

Originally posted by valkyrie
IMHO, she was completely out of line for even asking you if he was white and for saying "No"

I agree that your mom was out of line, but not surprised. There are certain people in my family who would have done this. I was talking to my grandma about my good friends who are gettting married. And talking about their scottish heritage. The guy is also half japanese. When I mentioned my sister used to date this guy, I thought she almost was going to have a heart attack.
Since grandma is scottish I thought she would enjoy hearing about what traditions were being incorporated, but she couldn't get past that he was half japanese.
She had the nerve to tell me that the girl could do better. And I told her actually no. This guy has been more of a brother to me than my actual brother. And is one of the best guys on this planet. One of the few truly good guys.

I know that my grandma would never accept an inter-racial marriage the same way I know she would never dis-own me. She loves me. She would talk about me to others and to me about it.

For the most part you can't change the views that most people have held onto for years. Your relationship might change, but hopefully you would still have a relationship. I might never hear the end of it. But in the end she would still be my grandma.
I hope that it would work similiarly with your family.

[Imthachamp]

listen to your familiy. guys come and go, but the fam is always there.

[ilovemyglo]

Originally posted by Imthachamp
And no matter what just remember
ilovemyglo=iamahoe
Don't listen to that!

She lived with me for a year and pledged with me, I am sure she already knows what a hoe I am

Jealousy- it gets you no where...
ladadadlaladeedee

[sigtau305]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
so my mom came into work this morning and let me wait on her and big party there. i really haven't talked too much about the boyfriend to my parents....but i have mentioned him here and there, just not wanting to make a big deal out of it. told them we've been talking and hanging out and that he went to that wedding with me last saturday. and they haven't really asked a lot about him.....then my mom today at work was like, "so is this guy you're talking to nice?" and i was like, "yeah, he's super nice"....and then she was like, "and he's white, right?"......i just looked at her stunned, briefly forgetting how she always seems to ask me that question when i start talking to a guy she's never met before.....and all i could answer with was, "mom, he's really great".

yes, the boy is a black man. a tall, beautiful, foine, strong, smart, and funny black man. my mom was like, "he's not white?!" and immediately my eyes start to fill up b/c i knew this was going to be an issue with my family. we've had numerous talks on the subject even though i have never dated anyone other than white guys, so just as i know how they feel, they know how i feel. i've talked to a few black guys here and there, but nothing serious. done the face thing, all that, whatever....but never any attachment or anything. so. anyway, i tell my mom i don't want to get into it right now and we both just kinda blow it off a lil bit. but she asks what is going on, i tell her it's nothing serious.......and it's not, really. he's my b/f, i totally dig, we spend every minute not at work together, he's already busted out some "if we get married" phrases....but ya know. we just really get along really well and every day that goes by, i like him more and more. i'm not really seeing anything slow down, either.....but still.....nothing too serious........

so my question is: what the hell do i do? me and derrick have already talked about all of this. i've met his whole family and they have been NOTHING but sweet to me. he knows that there will be problems with this, and all he's told me is to take my time about letting them know, and also that he's afraid it'll make us not be able to see each other. i told him before that i would let them know when i am ready to defend our relationship and am ready to have that fight, and to not worry about my family causing our demise. i think that after all the shitty guys i have dealt with, my parents and grandparents should be happy for me for finding such a great guy, no matter what color he is. but they are still in a different era, so ya know.

i don't know what to do. the cat is somewhat out of the bag.....i don't want to hurt my family in any way, but i also think it's horrible for them to be so ignorant as to try and tell me i can't be with him. b/c today, all my mom said after she found out he was black was, "no"....excuse me? i am 22 years old and you are gonna tell me "no" like that about this????

advice to handle this situation PLEEEEASE!

Just do what's right for AlphaGamDiva, nobody else. If you enjoy being happy and hanging out with your Boyfriend, go for it. Life is too short to put with that type of B.S.

It's good to respect and love your parents, but your parents should be able to love and respect you in the same manner without questioning your decision about who you should date.

[Optimist Prime]

I think she will change her mind. It will be very diffiuclut, but you can count on unlimited support from those who are sympathectic. Rent "Guess Who's comeing to dinner" for Ideas.

[DeltAlum]

Hey Diva,

You've gotten some good advice, and some bad advice above. You know which is which.

I think you need to figure out (you probably actually already know) why your mom asked the question -- overlooking the terrible timing and place she asked.

Is it because she (or both parents) are opposed to inter-racial dating, or because they're concerned that if this becomes serious, you and your boyfriend might be facing difficulties in the future? In other words, is this her (thier) problem or are they worried about your future? Remember, that while it isn't excusable, their experience with this situation isn't nearly as clean cut as yours is. That's a PC way of saying that it wasn't as easily accepted by their generation as it is by yours.

Perhaps the most important question I saw in the earlier posts is whether this young man is worth alienating your parents -- and whether they will change their attitudes.

It sounds like you don't really know how the answer(s) yourself at this point.

I'm not sure there's any clear cut answer to this right now, but you might try just telling them that you are mentally feeling your way through this relationship at this point -- trying hard to understand it yourself. That it may or may not get serious in the future.

Jumping up and down screaming "I'm 22 and ready to make my own decisions" (even if it's true) is not a good way to encourage dialogue and understanding, though.

Now, before anyone jumps on my case, I will say that we already went through this in our family several years ago, and the kid that daughter number two was going out with turned out to be a delightful young man. The relationship was short-lived because they were both dating others as well. We invited her friend to join us at an athletic event we had tickets to, like him, and we never had an issue with the situation.

Additionally, we had college friends (black man/white woman) who were married back in about 1967 -- when it wasn't nearly as acceptable as now -- who are still together. I say "had" because we live 1200 miles from each other now. I still get together for beers with him when I'm back in Ohio, though -- and talk to him on the internet fairly often. I doubt that it was easy for them, but it worked! That means it can probably work for you, too.

(While I wouldn't call it dating, I used to go out drinking a lot with a black woman who is now a very successful big market TV anchor. No, I won't name names. Maybe I should have....no, probably not. Mrs. DeltAlum wouldn't have liked it much.)

I would simply advise, not to do anything that will have long lasting consequences unless you're absolutely sure that the relationship is worth it.

Which, in the end, is your decision to make, not your parents.

Good luck...

[The1calledTKE]

Mon,

Would your parents disown you eventually marry him? If thats the case you will have to decide between parents or your man. All I can say is follow what your heart tells you and pray for the best. I agree with what most have said,I doubt your parents will change their views. The older you get the least likely they will change their views. Miracles do happne though. I wish you the best.

Your bud,
tke