Fraternity rush - long

[TSteven]

Apologies in advance for the length of this post. I want to provide as much background info as I can so y'all can understand the situation.

A friend of mines son (I'll call Adam) is planning on rushing this fall. He will be a freshman at a large university. His Mother (I'll call Jane) is familiar with the school and the Greek system there. Jane is an alumna of an NPC sorority and would like Adam to experience fraternity life. Adam's dad attended a college where there wasn't any Greeks but is supportive as well.

Jane has said that on this campus, all the chapters are fairly strong and that the sizes range from the 40s to just over 100 guys per chapter. Freshman do not live in the houses thus there really isn't any campus total or quota as issues.

Ok, now that I've got the background out of the way, here is the issue. Adam plans on rushing with four other friends. They have decided that they are going to rush as a group and that either they all go to the same fraternity or not at all. They even joked about forming their own if need be.

According to Jane, the guys have all known each other since junior high and while attending two different high schools, have remained very close. They have been on various high school and city wide sports teams, held offices, received awards, been top of their class etc. For example, Adam played in his high school band and was on the hockey team. Others have played soccer, basketball, tennis, been in band, various other clubs etc. So the group as a whole is very well rounded.

In any case, Jane has let Adam know that while not improbable, it may be difficult for all to receive a bid to the same chapter. However, she is willing to help him and the guys. She isn't sure what to do and asked me for some advice.

Frankly, I'm not so sure as well. Thus the post.

I told her that most fraternities do not rush "groups" per say. That each man is rushed on his own merits etc. At least that is usually the "official" policy. But if they are each truly strong candidates, then I didn't think it would be impossible.

I forgot to add that rush is at the start of the school year. My understanding is that they have to visit each chapter (open houses) the first day or two, then they are allowed to go back to the chapters they want the next few days. The chapters may also invite rushees back specifically then as well. In any case, most chapters make their events an "invite only" about the 4th day or so. Depends on the chapters. I think Jane said that bids may be offered starting the 2nd or 3rd day of rush (after the open houses) and that it is possible to receive a bid from more than one chapter.

Now here is what I suggested. Again, I'm not familiar with this campus' fraternity rush so these are kind of generic suggestions. I did suggest that Jane call the university's Greek Affairs office to be sure that everything they do is appropriate.

1. Have a set down with all the guys and explain the situation. Make sure they fully understand what to expect. Be sure that all the guys are on the same page so to speak.

2. If they already know a member or members of chapters on the campus, approach them about rush. Try to get an idea as to what they can expect.

3. Check with the guys to see if any of the guys might be a legacy. (None in Jane's family.) If so, see if that relative would be willing to write a recommendation for all the guys.

4. Have all five list the top three "things" that they want to get out of a fraternity. And not just generic stuff like brotherhood, but stuff like strong GPA, active in intramural sports, community service, campus leaders what not. Then take the top overall three "things" and research which chapters on the campus are most likely to fit the group's ideal.

As I said, Jane knows the chapters, and their reputations, fairly well so she should be able to point them in the right direction. But she wants to be sure that it is their choice.

Here are a few other random things we discussed and I really wasn't sure how to advise her.

1. How should they go about actual rush? Should they make it clear it's an "all for one" thing? I suggested that while they present a "unified" group, they should not be "cocky" or defensive about it.

2. Adam said that they would be willing to join a "struggling" fraternity if it meant they all would be together. Which given the leadership qualities of the group, may actually be a good fit. But Jane didn't think any of the chapters would be considered as struggling. If there is a group struggling, how do they present their "package deal" to them? Do you tell the brothers "Hey, we can come in and help you be strong." Some chapters may like that, others might be offended.

3. There is a chapter recolonization. I suggested that they might want to look at the colony. That they might be more willing to take the whole group.

4. Jane was thinking that maybe she or the guys should call before rush to see if a chapter would be open to the idea. I didn't think this was necessarily a good idea. That it might be too weird for them when they finally went through rush. "Oh, y'all are the guys that all want to be in the same chapter."

5. And finally, what about contingency plans? I suggested that they should come up with some in their "pre-rush" set-down meeting. For example, what if Adam finds that he fits better with XYZ and the others want to go somewhere else? How do they decide "as a group" which chapter is best? And what if no chapter wants the whole group? My suggestion was that they could do the following. That they revisit this nightly when going through rush. That they keep an open mind and realize that some may want to go to one group, others to another and even some may decide that they don't want to be in a fraternity. How do they ensure that peer pressure doesn't get the best of them? Make a pack? One other possible situation was that if they couldn't find one group for them all by a certain date, they they would agree to go where they want. Yet Jane was clear that Adam, and the guys, are rather stubborn and that they really all do want to be in the same fraternity. So the only other thing I could think of was that maybe if it doesn't happen their fall semester, that can either try again in the spring or go their own ways then - i.e. rush where they want.

Any comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Measi]

Honestly, if Adam and the guys aren't willing to listen to the "it really might not be possible" scenarios, then it's probably best to just let them go through it on their own, be supportive of them...

and let them experience it themselves.

So many changes happen during that first semester of freshman year. I knew five other people-- who I was fairly close to in high school - who went to the same college as I did. We hung out together for the first two weeks or so, and then went our separate ways to discover ourselves as happens naturally in college.

If they're concentrating more on just staying together as friends, maybe founding their own local (whether school affiliated or non) is a better idea for them in the long run. Their friendships can remain, regardless of what GLO's they're in. I'd argue that if they're in different ones, it's a better chance of some mutual interaction between the GLO's because they'll have a friendly tie.

~ Mel.

[33girl]

If they are AGGRESSIVE about staying together, that might really turn off some groups who might have pledged them all anyway.

Of your second batch #4 would totally be a bad idea. Going into a fraternity and telling them you can help them stop sucking (LOL) is a totally bad idea as well. If they're really intent on being together the colony is the best bet. I would try to talk them out of this plan though - they most likely will end up miserable, at least one of them will anyway.

[Little E]

Also consider though that it might still be possible for four guys to all join together. Guys need numbers just as any sorority does, and from a school that does only informal, groups of well rounded prospectives are great because they tend to be more apt to stay, it is a bump in your numbers and you have someone to fill those annoying doubles The recolonization might also be great option, esp if they have good HS credentials.

[aephi alum]

Going into rush as a "package deal" could backfire. Say the group visits a fraternity chapter and makes it clear that it's all or nothing. The brothers love four of the five guys and think they'd make great brothers, but don't feel that the fifth is a good fit. Knowing the group is a package deal, the chapter could potentially turn around and not offer bids to any of them.

On the flip side, the fraternity might bid the fifth guy primarily to get the other four to sign. All five sign, but a few weeks into the pledge process, the fifth guy realizes that he's really not happy in that fraternity and would have fit in better somewhere else. Now he faces the difficult decision of whether to depledge and rush elsewhere, or stick it out. And maybe he's resentful.

It might be worthwhile pointing out to the group that they can still be friends even if they join different fraternities. They've been involved in different activities, sports teams, etc. and remained friends; why can't they remain friends if they're in different fraternities?

[TSteven]

Thanks everyone.

I e-mailed my friend - the Mom - yesterday to check up and she said she is trying to persuade them to not be a "package deal" unless perhaps it is with the recolonization.

I'm sure her concern is for her son first, then the other guys, with the main issue being he/they might miss out on Greek life or join a house they are not *all* suited for. FYI: This has been her main talking point with them.

However, she said that they are a tight bunch of friends and that they will do what they will do. So she will try to "help" them make an informative discussion, (i.e. serve as a moderator or discussion leader) but is leaving it up to them. Basically knowing that this is one of those "life choices" that hopefully will help her son, and his friends, grow and mature.

Oh, one additional thing is that they guys have started researching the various fraternities - and the specific chapters on campus - and are starting to realize there is a difference. How this affects their search we shall see.

[AXOKatie]

Originally posted by aephi alum
It might be worthwhile pointing out to the group that they can still be friends even if they join different fraternities. They've been involved in different activities, sports teams, etc. and remained friends; why can't they remain friends if they're in different fraternities?

i agree, during this pre-rush set down with them, they have to discuss their options and plan for what happens if one of them doesn't get a bid. right now it sounds like they'd be more interested in being independent rather than divided, but if a couple guys really like the chapter, it might make it difficult to say no. It sounds as if these guys have made it through a lot of potentially-dividing times...if they don't join the same org., i bet they'd still be as tight if they handled it right and didn't let jealousy get in the way.

That said, i think that they should present a united front WITHOUT saying that they "have" to join the same org. How about recs? if all guys get a rec from a brother who can appreciate their loyalty and devotion to one another, then that should be positive.

remind them too that they need to show the brothers that they aren't going to turn out to be another clique in the house, that they can branch out of their comfort zones and contribute to the chapter not only as a group of friends but individuals.

[winneythepooh7]

Everyone has said some great things. I've seen things like this happen and then one part of the group decides they don't want to join the organization anymore, or someone is friendlier with the members of the GLO more and problems are created. Also, there is the issue of "cliques". I know in my organization a lot of people rushed together and constantly wanted to be together but what would be the point of that? As a sisterhood we did lots of things to prevent this from happening but you can only do so much if you know what I am saying. Someone posted about going away to school together and hanging out all together in the beginning but then going seperate ways. That is what happens so much, especially in college. I think the guys should definately go through rush but be encouraged to keep their options open, and be reminded that just because they may not choose the same organization, does not, as mentioned earlier, mean they can't still remain friends.

[sageofages]

I really commend you all for thinking this through and working to "mentor" these young men on the GLO community. They will be better off now, than others by comparison.

I saved your post...good things to think about.

[TSteven]

Cliques - Doh! I can't believe I forgot about that aspect. Thank you AXOKatie and winneythepooh7 for pointing this out.

Two friends rushing together - so to speak - doesn't come across as a clique. Three or more might with five certainly getting in that realm. And frankly, for the most part, cliques are just not desirable.

This is something I will pass on.

Thanks again for all your suggestions and comments.

[TSteven]

Originally posted by sageofages
I really commend you all for thinking this through and working to "mentor" these young men on the GLO community. They will be better off now, than others by comparison.

I saved your post...good things to think about.

Thank you. However, it is my friend who should be commended. She is/was active with her sorority. And while in college, with Greek life as a whole. As such, she understands the benefits and wants to be sure that her son - and his friends - have that opportunity as well.

[winneythepooh7]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by TSteven
[B]Cliques - Doh! I can't believe I forgot about that aspect. Thank you AXOKatie and winneythepooh7 for pointing this out.

Two friends rushing together - so to speak - doesn't come across as a clique. Three or more might with five certainly getting in that realm. And frankly, for the most part, cliques are just not desirable.

Hey TSTEVEN Actually even 2 can create problems believe it or not. I've seen situations where 2 members of the new member class who were already friends have made things problematic. A lot of it mostly is centering around not wanting to get to know the other members of the new member class if you know what I am saying. As an aside, in my chapter we anticipated stuff like this happening so that is why we often teamed up a new member with another new member they didn't know during new member activities so they could become close with someone else, not only their best friend from home. Look at it this way too, if all 5 of the friends become new members and there are 2 or 5 or whatever amount of new members not already part of their group (or maybe already friends) this could create issues. It could be a positive thing too, I hope that is what it is

[TSteven]

Good points.

One other perspective. The Mom went to college with friends from her high school. They may not have been "best friends" but they were close. Two ended up in the same sorority while all the others ended up in different chapters. But they all remained good friends.

So this is something she is trying to pass on to her son. But sometimes, kids "just know better" than their parents...

[AXOKatie]

You're welcome TSteven Another idea to help downplay the clique factor but also use it to their advantage is to 'divide and conquer' the brothers. Befriend a couple of them and hang out with them during parties and bounce conversation off of the group and brother(s). The brother will automatically feel a connection to this group of potential new members without realizing that most of it's based on the fact that the guys already are best friends They will just have to be a little more covert about the connection, but the results will be good when the brother can go back to the chapter and say "Hey, i hung out with this great group of guys that want to join"...they'll make a good foundation for a new member class.

[TSteven]

Originally posted by AXOKatie
You're welcome TSteven Another idea to help downplay the clique factor but also use it to their advantage is to 'divide and conquer' the brothers. Befriend a couple of them and hang out with them during parties and bounce conversation off of the group and brother(s). The brother will automatically feel a connection to this group of potential new members without realizing that most of it's based on the fact that the guys already are best friends They will just have to be a little more covert about the connection, but the results will be good when the brother can go back to the chapter and say "Hey, i hung out with this great group of guys that want to join"...they'll make a good foundation for a new member class.

This is great advice - 'divide and conquer' the brothers.

Basically, they all need to win over the brotherhood.