Your Org. or Your Significant Other?

PerfectVerse06 · #1 05-16-2006, 02:29 PM

Mr. Perfect and I were talking the other day and the subject of BGLO's came about.

He asked me "If you had to choose between me and becoming a member of XYZ Sorority, which would you choose?"

He then took it upon himself and answer for me, stating that he KNEW I would pick the sorority over him.

I told him that the attractive things about the sorority is that it's a lifetime commitment, that I get out of it exactly what I put into it, and the bond I'd share with countless others who can understand the love that I have for the organization.

He has yet to put a ring on my finger symbolizing a lifetime commitment to me, there's always a chance that the relationship could slide from being 50/50 to 70/30, but as of right now the bond that Mr. Perfect and I share is very special.

In the end I told him I couldn't answer the question, and I thought the fact that he'd ask me to choose was unfair. If he loved me, he'd support my decision and respect the love I have for the organization. I think he believes that I'd up and leave if I became a member, and that isn't the case at all.

But just for fun, I thought I'd pose the question to you all.

Have you ever been given an ultimatum like that ("It's either me or your org?") ?

If you had to choose, which would it be? Your man/woman or your BGLO?

dzdst796 · #2 05-16-2006, 02:44 PM

I am married to a member of another BGLO and that has never been an issue. You shouldn't have to choose, but if the question was posed then I would have to question the true motive behind the need for a decision to be made. COMPROMISE is the key.

f8nacn · #3 05-16-2006, 04:26 PM

If my significant other couldn't understand the love that I share between an organization and him, then I'm not sure where and/or how I would deal with that. I would go out of my way to ensure that he knew that I was committed to him just as I'm committed to the organization of choice. If he loves me as he says he does, then that question should not arise because he will love me and all of the wonderful women who are in it with me.

FeeFee · #4 05-16-2006, 04:27 PM

I remember having a similar conversation with my former fiancee a few years ago. He asked what would I do if he were to ask me to stop pursuing AKA. Even though we both knew he wouldn't really try to make me choose between him and my pursuit, I said to him, "I was interested in Alpha Kappa Alpha BEFORE you; I will continue to be interested in Alpha Kappa Alpha AFTER you."

mccoyred · #5 05-16-2006, 04:55 PM

Why does it HAVE to be one or the other? That's like asking someone to choose between a shirt and a chair because one has nothing to do with the other and you can have both as long as there is balance. I wonder what made him ask that question?

RedefinedDiva · #6 05-16-2006, 05:27 PM

I would have to agree with FeeFee. All I can say is men come and go, but my commitment to Alpha Kappa Alpha is for LIFE.

I would also have to agree with mccoyred in saying that the two have NOTHING to do with one another. What would make him come up with something like that off the top of his head? I would question a man's security with himself if he were to roll up with some foolishness like that.

Gods Ivy · #7 05-16-2006, 05:31 PM

My husband never asked me to choose but makes fun of my commitment to my organization, jokingly. He has had a bad taste in his mouth about Greeks since he dated two women that were in a sorority-but at different times, and each were more committed to their frat brother's than him. Needless to say, he caught them cheating with them. He really does not understand the bond with a frat and a sorority. I love my frat brothers and love to party hop with them but I guess because of his past, he just does not trust the frat connection. I look then as big or little brothers. This was a barrier at first in our relationship but after almost four years of marriage he has grown to understand it a bit more and has faith and trust in me and not the men in the frat.

SKEEEEE-PHIIIIIII

Marie · #8 05-16-2006, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by PerfectVerse06
Mr. Perfect and I were talking the other day and the subject of BGLO's came about.

He asked me "If you had to choose between me and becoming a member of XYZ Sorority, which would you choose?"

He then took it upon himself and answer for me, stating that he KNEW I would pick the sorority over him.

I told him that the attractive things about the sorority is that it's a lifetime commitment, that I get out of it exactly what I put into it, and the bond I'd share with countless others who can understand the love that I have for the organization.

He has yet to put a ring on my finger symbolizing a lifetime commitment to me, there's always a chance that the relationship could slide from being 50/50 to 70/30, but as of right now the bond that Mr. Perfect and I share is very special.

In the end I told him I couldn't answer the question, and I thought the fact that he'd ask me to choose was unfair. If he loved me, he'd support my decision and respect the love I have for the organization. I think he believes that I'd up and leave if I became a member, and that isn't the case at all.

But just for fun, I thought I'd pose the question to you all.

Have you ever been given an ultimatum like that ("It's either me or your org?") ?

If you had to choose, which would it be? Your man/woman or your BGLO?

Ok, here's a slight hijack on the question. What if the issue was not a matter of your boyfriend/husband simply asking you to choose, but rather your circumstances were going to force you to make a choice. For example the following 2 scenarios:

#1 You have been dating and growing closer to your boyfriend for several years. You've been working through the struggle of a long distance relationship, and he has finally popped the question and asked you to marry him. You will now be relocating to his city (just assume that he has the better job, and the plan has always been for you to move there). Meanwhile you have been persuing XYZ org for sometime, and they will be having an intake just after the time that you are scheduled to move. Do you move and start over from scratch in your new city, or do you delay your life with the man of your dreams to join the org?

#2 You are already a very active member of XYZ org (chapter president; Mrs. XYZ) yet your spouse comes home and annouces that he has been offered a significant promotion in an area where there is no active chapter of your org. While you will of course still be a member of your org., for the time being your level of activity is going to fall off sharply. Yet the promotion will mean quite a lot to your spouse as well as your family. Which do you choose? *I think this one is a little easier than the 1st*

Thoughts??? It is still the same issue of choosing the org. versus the mate, but maybe w/more reason (consequences) behind either choice.

PerfectVerse06 · #9 05-16-2006, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by mccoyred
Why does it HAVE to be one or the other? That's like asking someone to choose between a shirt and a chair because one has nothing to do with the other and you can have both as long as there is balance. I wonder what made him ask that question?

Exactly, mccoyred. I don't know where in the world that question came from. He's known about my aspirations for as long as he's known me, but now he's voicing his displeasure about it.

He knows firsthand how much this means to me, so I don't even know why he would come out of his mouth and say some malarkey like, "choose me or the org".

SKEEphistAKAte · #10 05-16-2006, 08:52 PM

To whomever posed the question in another forum about why greeks tend to date other greeks: This is one of the main reasons. When you date a non-greek you run the risk of getting asked something crazy like this.

PerfectVerse: It sounds to me like your boyfriend is insecure. There could be a number of reasons, for instance, he may be "jealous" of the organization itself and think that if you become a member you will get so wrapped up in the org that you will forget about him. Or on the other hand, he may feel like, if you are asked to join, you will no longer think he is good enough because he isn't greek. My advice would be to address his insecurities and reassure him that neither of the above scenarios would be the case.

On to the questions:
1. I've never been given an ultimatum. Although my ex-husband was a member of a BGLO he was extremely insecure (generally, about everything) and he actually had issues with me becoming a member of AKA. I basically told him to keep his issues to himself because I wasn't trying to hear it AT ALL.

2. If given an ultimatum by a SO now, I would definitely not be a supportive person about it. Like how I just told PerfectVerse to reassure him, I don't even think I'd do that, LOL. I would probably dismiss the guy as an insecure idiot and never speak to him again. I'm super BS-intolerant these days, and I detest insecurity in any form. But that's just me.

mulattogyrl · #11 05-17-2006, 08:49 AM

I've never dated a man in a fraternity, so I have dealt with this a couple of times. I chose my org first. Like FeeFee said, I was interested in my org before you, and my org will be here after you. Toodles! *waving*

Like Skee said, some men are insecure and they do think that your commitment to your org will become more important than your commitment to them. It's jealousy because they're not the center of your attention. They just have to learn to understand or I just have to move on.

Gods Ivy · #12 05-17-2006, 08:55 AM

Don't get me wrong I love my organization but I don't let the organization make me. I think some folks put more or invest more into an organization than into their marriage. My marriage comes first and all the things that I love will continue to be a part of my relationship and me. I think if a person (mate) does not allow you to be a part of things that existed prior to him/her they will control you and if you can't be an individual in the relationship that means it has the potential to become violent. *The first sign of an abuser is control and taking you away from the things you were a part of prior to the relationship. *

PerfectVerse06 · #13 05-17-2006, 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SKEEphistAKAte
PerfectVerse: It sounds to me like your boyfriend is insecure. There could be a number of reasons, for instance, he may be "jealous" of the organization itself and think that if you become a member you will get so wrapped up in the org that you will forget about him. Or on the other hand, he may feel like, if you are asked to join, you will no longer think he is good enough because he isn't greek. My advice would be to address his insecurities and reassure him that neither of the above scenarios would be the case.

Thanks for the good advice. I think you are exactly right. It's probably a combination of both reasons. He's a lil insecure as is, and I think if I were to become greek that insecurity of his may increase ten-fold. The fact that I'd be away doing community service projects, going on trips to meet other members, attending parties, and of course he's scared of the frat guys hitting on me. But his insecurities are something that we've had a problem with for a little while now, it's just that now he's attacking something that's near and dear to my heart and that's not cool.

I think he is jumping the gun anyway. It's not like I've been extended an invitation or something, so all of the 'XYZ Sorority' bashing is crazy. He was even making petty comments about the sorority and stated that he doesn't like it. Well, he doesn't have to like it as long as I do.

Quote:

2. If given an ultimatum by a SO now, I would definitely not be a supportive person about it. Like how I just told PerfectVerse to reassure him, I don't even think I'd do that, LOL. I would probably dismiss the guy as an insecure idiot and never speak to him again. I'm super BS-intolerant these days, and I detest insecurity in any form. But that's just me.

LOL!! I think that it's a lil different in this case for you because you are already a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha. If someone were to give you an ultimatum, it would be ridiculous because your sorority is apart of who you are. That's like someone telling you to grow 4 more inches because they like tall women or it's over between you two. Or get rid of your child because they don't want to date someone with kids. You knew the child existed before the relationship began, so don't even try it.

I still think Mr. Perfect is jumping the gun here because nothing has happened as far as me becoming a member, so I think he needs to chill and we need to have a heart-to-heart about it. I've told him before that his insecurities were going to be the death of us, and if he keeps this up this relationship is going to be pushing up daisies!

RedefinedDiva · #14 05-17-2006, 10:52 AM

The real issue here is that a man, who is NOT your husband (and I don't know how long you've been dating him), is asking you to make a choice that between two things that you may want in your life. If he is attempting to control this aspect of your life, what's next?

Gods Ivy · #15 05-17-2006, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by RedefinedDiva
The real issue here is that a man, who is NOT your husband (and I don't know how long you've been dating him), is asking you to make a choice that between two things that you may want in your life. If he is attempting to control this aspect of your life, what's next?

There should not have to be a choice but would we want to come second to our mate’s fraternity? No one wants to feel second. I think it depends on the circumstance. If you are just dating someone and they make these depends then yes there is a problem but if you have been together for years and all you do is spend time with your sorors and less with your mate, then I can see it being justified. However it should not be an ultimatum. There should be a discussion and then a compromise that does not leave both people unhappy and or one person happy. That is what relationships are about compromise and I think some times us as women we feel like oh no he didn’t and immediately jump on the defensive. Men need attention and love just like we do and if we don’t nurture that, they become what we don’t want, dogs are worse. Some times we have to lead the discursion into compromise, trust me-it will not always be the man leading the household. It is shared.