I really need advice. Help!

[*laurel*]

Hi, first off I will say that I am a new initiate of my sorority. Things were going ok at first. Just ok. The house that I ended up in wasn't my first choice, but I tried to make it work. The thing is that we have such a large pledge class I find it really hard to meet people-I still don't know everybodies names. I tried really hard at first to be outgoing, but I didn't seem to make any friends, which was the whole reason I joined the house. The people that I have talked to just remain aquaintances and they seem to already have their own friends in the house and aren't interested in having another one. Our sorority hasn't had a single social function this year. I came to this college not knowing anybody and I don't get along with my roommates at the dorm. I spend every weekend in my room alone. At this point I really don't know what to do. As time goes by I keep getting more and more reserved because friendships haven't been made and I feel out of place. Our house is all about sisterhood, moms & dots and all that stuff, but at this point I feel like it is all a bunch of crap. Does anyone have advice on how I could try to make some real friends in my pledge class. I feel silly because I know it shouldn't be this hard, but I don't know what to do anymore. For example, If I talk to a particular girl a lot one night I might ask her what she is doing over the weekend. And she'll tell me, but will never invite me along or see if maybe I want to hang out with her. Sorry this is so long, but I'm desperate!

[RaggedyAnn]

Have you tried to ask if you could come along? I ask this because I was in a similar situation at one point. Everyone would be talking about going out and no one was inviting me. When I talked to someone about it, they said they assumed I knew I was invited because I was in the room when they were talking about it.

You may also want to ask your Big Sister for help. Ask her if you can hang out with her when she is going to events where there will be sisters. I wouldn't worry about just hanging out with your pledge class.

I would also make sure you are going to all of the service events, meetings, etc. Those are great places to make friends.

Good luck!

[FSUZeta]

see if you can join a committee of your sorority. sometimes being able to break a large group down into a smaller group can help you get to know someone better.

are you a member of any other organizations on campus? if not, i would encourage you to join one that holds an interest for you or/and is pertinent to your major. as stated above, breaking a larger group down(the campus) into a smaller group(the org. you join) can provide the opportunity to get to know the other members better, and might enable you to make a good friend.

sometimes the timing of a question dictates the answer you get. if you are asking your pledge sisters on friday night what they are doing over the weekend,it might be too late. they may have already made plans and if they don't know you well, they may be hesitant to invite you along or even possibly cannot include you.

what if you make a lunch or coffee date with one of the girls that you feel closer to? try to get to know her. you can practice the rush skills you will be using next year when you are the member rushing pnms. keep getting together with pledge sisters until you click with one. you could also try this technique with the older sisters. just casually mention that you would love to grab a coffee with them one day this week and ask her what day/time is best for her.

i think that the first year in the sorority can be awkward, because there comes a time when the new member is more "on their own" than before-usually after initiation. it is similar to the let down one experiences after a much looked forward to event is over.

if your chapter has a house, you will most likely make some fast friendships if you live in the house.

[jwright25]

You could also find out if any of the sisters are members of other campus organizations and get involved in the ones that are of interest to you. Service organizations, athletic clubs, religious organizations, spirit clubs, etc. When you go to meetings and see familiar faces, you can sit with them and join in on the conversation and planning.

Do you have any classes with any members or other new members? Sit with them. Make plans to study or work on projects with them.

The point is to find things that already interest YOU and then connect with the women in the sorority that share those interests. Most chapters are very diverse with respect to the members' talents and activities. There's someone in there who will have similar goals to you.

I've been around sorority women for many years, and your situation is not uncommon. It takes many people time - sometimes a couple of years - to really find sisters that they connect with on a personal level to hang out with outside of sorority functions. The point is that you can't give up, otherwise everyone else will just write you off. Good luck!

[mh*e]

It does sometimes take a bit of effort to find your niche. My advice, in order:

1. Ask sisters to do things with you. Find something you have in common, however small, and go from there. I met my best friend in my pledge class because we both loved to eat sushi and would always call each other if we needed a sushi buddy!

2. Tell your Big how you feel. It is really her job to a) spend time with you, and b) help you find other friends in the sorority to spend time with. Maybe she needs a wake-up call.

3. Tell the people in charge how you feel. For example, your Pledge Mom/New Member Educator (whether you are a pledge anymore or not), the President, another Exec member or advisor, or even your house mom.

Your sorority does not want to lose you as a member. Do your best to make new friends, but if you are still struggling, seek assistance. Without a doubt, someone will take you under her wing and help you.

[KSUViolet06]

Something to think about:

I always tell girls to remember that friendships within a sorority are a two way street, just like other relationships you may have had.

Too often, I feel like new girls get upset that older members aren't just automatically and immediately asking them to do things. Sometimes, girls aren't going to automatically ask you to hang out. If you ask a girl what she's doing tonight and she says she's going out, it's okay to ask if you can join them.

My point is that you have to put yourself out there to make friends (just like in any other social situation).

Talk to girls, get involved on committees, ask to be included in things, and don't be afraid to invite yourself if girls are just going to Starbucks or something. We never minded if a girl just came along with us to dinner or something. I get the impression that you come from a rather large chapter, so there's probably no shortage of girls for you to talk to.

Making friends in ANY situation requires you to make an effort. Don't just sit back and say "I just sit alone in my room because no one talks to me or likes me." If you write everyone off and assume that they don't want to talk to you, things won't get better. You'll quit, then you still won't have any friends.

Best of luck to you!

[AlwaysSAI]

*Laurel*,

I can almost guarantee that you are not the first new initiate to feel this way. I didn't make any friends in my pledge class while I was pledging and I it took me almost a full year after initiation to feel apart of the sisterhood. Over the past few months, I have actually become really close with a girl that pledged with me.

Stay involved with the sorority. Go to events and talk to sisters. It may take a while, but you'll find the sisterhood you're looking for.

[gee_ess]

Laurel,

I have known a new initiate whose story is almost identical to yours! Her freshman year was tough - she was from out of state and really knew almost no one, huge pledge class, bad roommate situation, etc.

I agree with the others who are encouraging you to be more assertive regarding asking to go along with the other girls. You can even bring it up by saying, "Hey, next time you guys go to the XYZ house/movies/etc, give me a call. I would love to go with you." or "Is anybody doing anything this weekend? Count me in."

Second, I really want to encourage you to do something completely different than your usual routine. Step outside of your box. Sometimes this simple change can make a difference. Attend other campus activities. Look for your sisters there and join them when you see them. Little by little the relationships will form.The member I knew who was struggling started attending a contemporary church service aimed at college students. She saw some other members of her sorority - none she knew well at all - but they sat together and ended up being friends.

Do not quit. This will pass. Keep holding your chin up, keep trying. I promise you there are other girls in your pledge class who are struggling. It can be a disappointment when the sisterhood everyone speaks of is slow to form - but it will happen.

[KayDeeLadee]

I just want to say that I think it is really great that all of you are giving her responses on how to continue to try to be apart of her sorority like she wishes to be. It's really encouraging for me, especially, because I'm a sophomore in college and I'm still in her situation.
When I was a freshman in college, I went to LaTech University and was initiated in a wonderful Kappa Delta chapter there, and we had a small pledge class that seemed to all be die-hard friends except for one person: me. I was so discouraged by the fact that everyone went up to everyone else and talked to them like they had known them for a million years except me. I tried going up to them and imitating the behavior I saw them do, cause it obviously worked for them with our pledge class up to the elder members of our chapter- but it didn't work for me. I could tell they were disinterested in whatever I had to say to them the minute I started walking up to them/speaking. And so I just decided to stick to my artwork and the Wesley foundation towards the end of the year because I did make friends there, and my big sis who wasn't very involved with my chapter either was also in Wesley, and so we got to be better friends, but not GREAT friends like I really hoped... because I love and respect her so much. I still do.
In any case, when I was at LaTech I roomed with my best friend (who is very anti-Greek thanks to her parents), since the age of 6, in the dorm but she went to my hometown (which used to be her hometown til she moved a few years before high school) to see her new boyfriend who I introduced her to. I was really happy for her but discouraged she didn't want to spend more time with me. In any case, I held my chin up and said, "that's ok. this just motivates me to spend more time with the KD's!" so I went around as often as I could and then when I got discouraged I gradually slowed down except I went to every meeting and a couple of parties, and I went home almost every weekend because I hated the tiny town in which my college/unhappiness was.
Well... now I am in Baton Rouge. I am 4 hours away from my hometown and I have been home (excluding now) a total of 3 times over the entire fall semester. I am in love with Baton Rouge and in love with LSU. I live 5 minutes away from campus with 2 roommates, a graduate student, and a senior KD, which was arranged completely by God by a miracle of an experience in summer of 08. Anyway, my room mate who is a senior KD, or H.G., as we will call her, told me this summer she would take me under her wing and show me the ropes. I'm really thankful for how nice she has been to me, but I would hardly describe her actions as "taking me under her wing". Again, I am extremely thankful for what she has done for me, which is let me follow her to the first meeting to let me see where everything was, and then show me around the 1st floor of the house and introduce me to her best friend "M.B.", also a senior KD who is very nice and fun. I guess I just thought that we would go to lunch or make dinner at the house and talk about life occasionally, but she is usually always sleeping at her boyfriend's house (they are very serious), and my other room mate is never home either. So, most of the time, I am home alone.

Also, there are many factors that play into all of these insecurities as far as making friends (mainly in my sorority):
- basically reliving freshman year because I'm at a new school with new people I don't know, and having to continue to force the effort into finding my niche and people who want to get to know me as much as I want to get to know them.
- not knowing anyone except my older brother's Delta Chi brothers who have been really nice to me (my brother is graduated already)
- having a long-distance relationship with a great guy from my hometown who comes to see me on weekends as much as possible, which isn't very often
- adjusting to the semester system from the quarter system, and studying for classes as opposed to working on long art projects that require no studying (so my grades are crap cause I'm having to learn to study again)
- never having been completely on my own before
- not knowing how to relate to many girls because I'm sort of your classic tomboy who is slowly becoming more of a girly girl (but i still enjoy hard rock music and video games... and really dorky stuff)....
- finding myself being socially awkward like my freshman year around all of my sorority girls even though I make certain that i'm as enthusiastic, but genuine as possible whenever I talk to them. I even go up to circles of conversation and try to see if I can relate to what their talking to so I can inch myself into the circle a bit more and include myself in any plans... but that seems to fail.

I have just found that even though I have all the enthusiasm and hopes to make great friendships with these girls who, so far, I think are all very wonderful, pretty, smart, talented, and fun individuals, I just have a feeling that I'm not cut out to be the kind of girl I should be for them to be able to relate to me. I really really hope that all of my effort wont go to waste. My mother was a KD and she never found die-hard best friends in college as much as in high school, but she did manage to find her niche in KD, and I really look up to her. She is a friend to everyone and has so many leadership qualities just like I do... and I know that if I can put those to good use towards bettering my sorority, which I love so much, I know I will find my niche too. Maybe I'm just getting discouraged because of all of the things that I'm faced with at one time, and perhaps I feel overwhelmed. Not to mention that my best friend and her boyfriend now talk about me behind my back a lot cause she has issues with me that all stem from the fact that she still thinks I "left" her for a new life when I simply wasn't happy where I was and wanted something more. Maybe I'm going crazy.... I don't know. I'm just having trouble finding myself. But everyone does this... right?
I just have to keep trying and praying about it, and everything will turn out fine. Isnt' that the way everything is supposed to turn out?

[FSUZeta]

have you affiliated with the kd chapter at lsu?