Pref mess up?

GatorKate · #1 07-01-2010, 06:47 PM

I've been lurking all year and finally decided to create an account and post. I rushed during the Fall at a major SEC school and had what I consider to be an unsettling result. In short, because I'm not going through my whole recruitment, I had a very successful rush in terms of cuts, etc. I ended up preffing two houses that I really liked, and one house that I felt iffy about. A former high school classmate and friend was a sister in one of my top two houses, and I really liked her, (she and all her friends were rushing me very, very hard) and everyone I talked with there. My other favorite house is considered one of the top houses on campus and pre rush I felt intimated by both their reputation and their sort of perfect pretty sisterhood. However, I had what most would consider a fairytale experience there, rushed by a variety of different girls with different interests, and I found myself really connecting with two of them. Going into pref round I felt very torn as I felt an obligation to my friend and feared hurting her feelings but I also knew I was really loving the other house.
At pref at the "top" house, both of the girls I liked told me how they had fought over who got to pref me and told me how much they loved me and looked forward to my visit. When I was solo for the more intimate parts of the round with one of the sisters, she handed me a letter she had written about how much she wanted me to pledge and how much she felt I fit in there. It was really overwhelming. Then she asked me if I was torn at all and if I knew that I wanted to be there, and of course, I told her the truth about the other house and my friends, and feeling a little confused.
Pref at my friend's house was very similar with crying, professions of love, etc. Honestly, by the time I got to the third house I was so caught up in having to choose between the other two, I really didn't give them a fair chance. But I did realize that my heart belonged to the first house, that I loved the girls who'd preffed me and that I would have to hurt my friend's feelings in order to be happy. Once I decided I was really thrilled and excited to call myself their sister and could hardly wait to rank them number 1.
Well, bid day comes and I get my card and...it's my friend's house. I can hardly contain my sadness, though I don't know why because I DID love her house too. I think that once I had made my decision my heart got set on the other house and it was really hard to take their rejection. In fact I cried myself to sleep for the next few weeks and I still think about it all the time. I didn't pledge my friend's house and in the end I ended up not getting what I wanted and STILL hurting her feelings.
I know you guys get annoyed with people asking you WHY they didn't get a bid somewhere, and I'm not asking that. Simply, do you think expressing my confusion over my choise to the girl who preffed me hurt my chance of getting a bid there? Is it off-putting to have a PNM not return your affections and say "oh yes, yes, I want to be here, please give me a bid?"
Did I mess up?

baci · #2 07-01-2010, 06:58 PM

I feel this is something you have to work through "inside" yourself. Sure, some people will say you made a huge mistake and yet others may say you were just being honest. You were probably caught up in the whole emotional aspect of recruitment and it can be tough. You just shared your feelings.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. What if that isn't the reason why you did not receive a bid? Truth is you will never know the answer.

Are you happy where you are now? You just can't live with regret the next few years. Somehow you just need to find peace with what happened. If I were you I would not miss out on any of the amazing times you should be having.

Do keep in mind you were fortunate to receive a bid at a house you liked a great deal. Many women go through the process and are not that fortunate.

KSUViolet06 · #3 07-01-2010, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GatorKate

I've been lurking all year and finally decided to create an account and post. I rushed during the Fall at a major SEC school and had what I consider to be an unsettling result. In short, because I'm not going through my whole recruitment, I had a very successful rush in terms of cuts, etc. I ended up preffing two houses that I really liked, and one house that I felt iffy about. A former high school classmate and friend was a sister in one of my top two houses, and I really liked her, (she and all her friends were rushing me very, very hard) and everyone I talked with there. My other favorite house is considered one of the top houses on campus and pre rush I felt intimated by both their reputation and their sort of perfect pretty sisterhood. However, I had what most would consider a fairytale experience there, rushed by a variety of different girls with different interests, and I found myself really connecting with two of them. Going into pref round I felt very torn as I felt an obligation to my friend and feared hurting her feelings but I also knew I was really loving the other house.
At pref at the "top" house, both of the girls I liked told me how they had fought over who got to pref me and told me how much they loved me and looked forward to my visit. When I was solo for the more intimate parts of the round with one of the sisters, she handed me a letter she had written about how much she wanted me to pledge and how much she felt I fit in there. It was really overwhelming. Then she asked me if I was torn at all and if I knew that I wanted to be there, and of course, I told her the truth about the other house and my friends, and feeling a little confused.
Pref at my friend's house was very similar with crying, professions of love, etc. Honestly, by the time I got to the third house I was so caught up in having to choose between the other two, I really didn't give them a fair chance. But I did realize that my heart belonged to the first house, that I loved the girls who'd preffed me and that I would have to hurt my friend's feelings in order to be happy. Once I decided I was really thrilled and excited to call myself their sister and could hardly wait to rank them number 1.
Well, bid day comes and I get my card and...it's my friend's house. I can hardly contain my sadness, though I don't know why because I DID love her house too. I think that once I had made my decision my heart got set on the other house and it was really hard to take their rejection. In fact I cried myself to sleep for the next few weeks and I still think about it all the time. I didn't pledge my friend's house and in the end I ended up not getting what I wanted and STILL hurting her feelings.
I know you guys get annoyed with people asking you WHY they didn't get a bid somewhere, and I'm not asking that. Simply, do you think expressing my confusion over my choise to the girl who preffed me hurt my chance of getting a bid there? Is it off-putting to have a PNM not return your affections and say "oh yes, yes, I want to be here, please give me a bid?"
Did I mess up?

We really don't know because we weren't there and we don't know how other chapters make decisions like that.

There isn't always some big reason that a chapter didn't match with you.

It is possible that your other choice simply did not rank you high enough for you to be matched with them and receive a bid.

Yes, that sucks, but there is nothing you can do about it now.

Either you are going to be happy in the chapter you are in, or you're going to sulk about your first choice everyday. You choose.

IrishLake · #4 07-01-2010, 07:02 PM

You messed up by not taking your second choice. You claimed to love them. Why wouldn't you pledge there? Instead of crying yourself to sleep for weeks, you would have formed bonds with your pledge sisters and likely would never regretted the choice to pledge #2.

As for what your preffer thought...none of us here can speculate on that. Seriously, almost a year later and you're still dwelling on it? Time to move on.

KSUViolet06 · #5 07-01-2010, 07:05 PM

Also, to clarify:

Are you IN a chapter now or did you decide not to accept?

Smile_Awhile · #6 07-01-2010, 07:11 PM

You're me, except you really did love the house that you got the bid to. I have a recruitment story written, if you want to read it. But, in short, I will say that I truly believe that I am where I needed to be. I wasn't sure of that until about a year after my initiation, but I am now 100% sure.

33girl · #7 07-01-2010, 07:27 PM

I think I would compare your experience at the top house to falling in love with your costar while you're doing the latest remake of Romeo and Juliet, while you have an awesome boyfriend you love at home. You got caught up in the fantasy and what you already had just didn't compare. Then filming was over and boom, your costar walked off the set and never talked to you again.

As far as did this keep the "top" house from giving you a bid - quite frankly, I doubt it. They KNOW they're the top house, and that even if they put you on their first bid list and you put the other house first, there's more where you came from and filling the spot isn't going to be an issue. Plus, if they wanted you that badly, it would have been an additional HA HA IN YOUR FACE to the other house you were looking at.

So in other words...I don't think they planned to ever put you on their first list anyway. If on any list at all.

AOII Angel · #8 07-01-2010, 08:02 PM

Obsessing about this for a year is pointless. Where has it gotten you? You missed the opportunity to be in a sorority because of it. Nothing anyone tells you will solve this mystery. Will it make you feel better if someone tells you that by telling them you were torn that they decided to put more of a sure thing on their first bid list? Will it make you feel better if your comments made no difference, and they just didn't really like you that much? I doubt it. None of these explanations will make the reality hurt less, but at some point you have to put the past behind you and move on. Going through recruitment again at UF is an uphill battle, but try to go out and get involved on campus and make your college experience worth something more than regrets.

AZTheta · #9 07-01-2010, 08:17 PM

I was/am slightly confused but I surmise that you did not accept a bid at any chapter and are now consumed with regret.

No point in speculating. None whatsoever. Can't/won't/don't do it.

Only options that I target are:

(a) go through recruitment again (reading everything you can find on this site on keeping an open mind and maximizing any opportunities you are given).

(b) don't go through recruitment. Move on. Regret is getting you nowhere.

These may be "harsh" words, but the reality is that there are NO do-overs in life. If there were...

GatorKate · #10 07-01-2010, 08:22 PM

Listen, ladies, I'm going to be very honest with you. People come on the site either to embrace their sisterhood or lament the lack of it and you need to embrace BOTH of those types of people. From reading the threads for awhile now, I just have to say that some of you are really judgemental and hurtful to people who are already hurting, already feel judged. Would it kill any of you just to sympathize with someone? You sympathize with the MOTHERS of girls who have gone through exactly what I went through? Girls who would probablly write the same thing I wrote! I'm not moping, this is something that I've kept inside me and felt this would be a good outlet to express it. You go on a journey and the end destination isn't the same as everyones, but some people felt what you felt, and ended up where you end up, and you want to either celebrate or commiserate or maybe, like in my case, share it and let it go. If you really care about sisterhood, practice a little more to the posters on GC is all I'm saying.

KSUViolet06 · #11 07-01-2010, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GatorKate

Listen, ladies, I'm going to be very honest with you. People come on the site either to embrace their sisterhood or lament the lack of it and you need to embrace BOTH of those types of people. From reading the threads for awhile now, I just have to say that some of you are really judgemental and hurtful to people who are already hurting, already feel judged. Would it kill any of you just to sympathize with someone? You sympathize with the MOTHERS of girls who have gone through exactly what I went through? Girls who would probablly write the same thing I wrote! I'm not moping, this is something that I've kept inside me and felt this would be a good outlet to express it. You go on a journey and the end destination isn't the same as everyones, but some people felt what you felt, and ended up where you end up, and you want to either celebrate or commiserate or maybe, like in my case, share it and let it go. If you really care about sisterhood, practice a little more to the posters on GC is all I'm saying.

FYI: When you put things out on the internet, people are going to post their opinions. Not always ponies and rainbows.

Not everyone is going to say "oh you poor baby..."

Yes, it's unfortunate that you didn't get your top choice. There are many many stories here of girls who didn't.

If someone is a brand new new member, I can smpathize.

But you've been in this chapter for a year at this point.

You can either:

1. Be happy with what you have.
2. Sulk about this other house for the rest of college.
3. Quit.

IrishLake · #12 07-01-2010, 08:30 PM

You've been lurking all year and you're surprised you aren't getting sympathy? You made your bed, you have no one to blame but yourself, so no, you're not going to get any sympathy. Were it your mom, she might get sympathy because stuff like this is out of the control of moms of PNMs. Were it someone who maximized all their options and still ended up bidless, yeah, she might get some sympathy, because those girls did everything right, and it was out of their control.

You had something in your grasp, and you chose to let it go. Do you know how many girls went through UF rush last year who ended up bidless who would have killed for your bid? What are we supposed to say to that? Let this just be a life lesson: you can't always get what you want, and appreciate what opportunities you have been given, and make the most out of it.

By all means, rush again this fall! Get your recs in order, and knock 'em dead!

FSUZeta · #13 07-01-2010, 08:32 PM

kate, with most sororities(maybe all, but i don't know for sure) pnms who attend a pref. party are placed somewhere on their bid list. If you did not receive a bid from your top choice, it is because you did not appear on their list before they had matched to quota. You received a bid to your 2nd choice because panhellenic tries to match everyone with a bid, and you were high enough on the 2nd choice's list. they wanted you.

it's too bad that you didn't give it a trial run last fall. you might have found you were in the right place all along. have you remained friends with the girls you knew in the sorority that bid you?

you can go thru recruitment again. it is never easy for sophomores rushing at uf, but if you don't try the situation won't change. it will be awkward for you and the results may not end up as you wish, but if you don't try, you'll always wonder.

IrishLake · #14 07-01-2010, 08:32 PM

KSU, she said she ended up not pledging to her friends house, her #2 choice.

KSUViolet06 · #15 07-01-2010, 08:33 PM

i'm confused, judging by this post, I assumed she was in a chapter.