Dating advice

CarolinaDG · #1 07-18-2002, 11:20 PM

Sorry, just had to add one of these to the thread, to spice things up... thought maybe someone else had my problems with commitment....

I have this really big problem with dumping guys after two weeks. I mean, religiously, after exactly two weeks. It's like, everything's going great, and I'm happy and excited, then something clicks and I'm like, nope, never mind. I wouldn't mind this, honestly, except people talk about me like I'm some sort of slut because I date a lot, and then when I get depressed because I don't have a boyfriend, my friends will make comments like, "well, you just threw away another perfectly good one last week." Anyway, what I want to know is... well... am I strange?

aggieAXO · #2 07-19-2002, 02:31 AM

I am the same way. I have only had 2 guys that I wanted to date longer than a few weeks and I am 30 years old-sad but true. I think I have commitment phobia. I dated my last "boyfriend" for about 2 weeks and couldn't handle the fact he wanted to always be together-ugg.

Allie · #3 07-19-2002, 08:33 AM

YOu two arn't alone.

I seem to have an 8 week rule, it was so obvious that a friend pointed it out

I seriously lose all interest in a guy I'm dating after 8 weeks. Not sure why, but it really isn't that long of a time. I wish I could have the two week clock built in, it would save me some time LOL

Yeah that whole "we" are doing this and all the what about "us" comments. When I'm in a realtionship I need MY space and MY life

justamom · #4 07-19-2002, 09:42 AM

My daughter has a good rule she follows. Never stop/change your life for a guy.

She has sisters who do exactly what you all are talking about.
Do you drop your friends and create a new life around your boyfriend or do you keep your regular schedule and have a boyfriend that "enhances" your life and brings out the best in you? Do you even HAVE other involvements? These are all rhetorical questions and insights.

Do you feel a need to "win" a prize or have someone reassure you that you are attractive?

A lot of girls buy into the concept that they need a guy to show other girls (or guys) how desireable they are.

Have you ever allowed yourself to experience true independance?

Do you like yourself enough, are you confident enough to be alone with YOU?

How physically "involved" do you get with another person in such a short time span?

What is the longest you've ever gone without a boyfriend?

Maybe you just aren't ready.

It is one of those "truths" in life, it's going to happen to you sooner or later. (KARMA

) Maybe it already has and you are afraid of it happening again so you protect yourself by being the FIRST one to do the dumping. It takes TIME, so why not slow down the pace and give BOTH of you a chance.

CarolinaDG · #5 07-19-2002, 10:29 AM

Well, part of my problem is that I dated a guy for three months that I thought I was going to MARRY. I know, I know, three months is quick to start thinking that way, but I did. Now I feel wrong if I don't get that feeling right away when I'm with a guy. I haven't had a serious boyfriend since him. I do always have some sort of guy around, but it's always just a friendship-thing. I figure that way I won't get too desperate and start dating just anyone. And as far as changing my life around for a guy, there's no way I'd ever do that. Even when I was dating three-month boy... he lived 45 minutes away, so we'd only get to see each other once a week. He'd call every night, and I'd make sure I was in my room when he called since it was a LD phone call, but other than that, the times that we saw each other were simply when we both had time. He was pledging KA at the time, and it took a lot out of him, and I was in a service sorority at the time, and an officer, so that took a lot of time out of me. I remember on his birthday, we were going through our rush, and he had some KA thing that night, so I ended up driving over to Newberry at 11 at night, so that I wouldn't feel bad about missing his birthday. Point is, I think most of my problem with dating is a fear of committment. I got so hurt by him that I want to make sure the next one's worth it. Because he wasn't worth the hurt. My question is, though, why am I finding out after 2 weeks that the guy's wrong? Why am I not finding out earlier or later?

justamom · #6 07-19-2002, 11:04 AM

Could be you have excellent radar. I know lots of girls (just reading these boards) who wish they had a better sense of what would work and what wouldn't. You aren't wasting a lot of time like so many do only to find out it isn't meant to be.

Chemistry is so strange-there was a thread on it a while back and like you, most feel if the chemistry isn't there, it never will be so move on.

I've never been a believer that you can grow to love someone if the chemistry isn't there right off the bat, yet many have said that one day they realized they loved their friend.
I see it as an attraction, compatability, love sequence.

You say he hurt you deeply. This can really play havoc with your mind when it comes to relationships. Sometimes people will seal off that part of them that allows a relationship to deepen because they don't ever want to be that vulnerable again. Are you totally over the other guy? Do you find youself comparing others to him? I know when my hubby and I broke up while dating, I would go out with some of the most HORRIFIC guys. I always wondered WHY?!? I finally figured it out. I was just waiting, passing time because I always knew we would get back together and these other guys would NEVER be a serious involvement. Weird isn't it!

AePhi6782 · #7 07-19-2002, 11:24 AM

Justamom...you said you and your husband borke up...how long did you break up for while dating...and how long were you dating him before then....i just broke up with my boyfriend and i know we will get back together...but i have a question...do you think a break can help a relationship...my problem is...my boyfriend and I were fighting a lot before and im wondering if a break will make us stop...because i really beleive that he is the one and only person out there for me and i really love him.

justamom · #8 07-19-2002, 12:08 PM

Oh LAWDY! This is an unusual situation. I met him when I was 17 and he was18 in college. Followed him (stalked) for weeks asked him out and then dated intermittently Fresh year. Wrote him over summer-got 2 letters from him. Looked for each other first day of school and went from there. We always broke up around MY B-DAY/ Christmas-he said tests-I said CHEAP. We would get back together in the spring. AFTER he got over the high of initiation and came back down to earth-back together. I would have to say "Tell me you're crazy about me" he couldn't say love. We still had the same break up pattern the next 2 years, then it was time for graduation(his) and he left. Long distance between us and he couldn't/wouldn't make the trip to Houston $$$. Back together months again break up but his brothes(fraternity) kept tabs on me. We broke up for well over a year the last breakup. Then I get a call he and his brotherS(real) are in town. They ALL came over and we got back together. So now we are in the last heat the race. He goes back to New Orleans I'm offered a permanent position in Kansas City "Honey time to $#*! or get off the proverbial pot" He gets his papers and I get the REAL proposal over the phone. We were together for over a year before we FINALLY got married.
1971---------1980. I was certain he was the one, and I was right.\

A BIG PS--We fought like cats and dogs! Once we married I felt secure-we swore to NEVER EVER use the word divorce. Except for one time, our "fights" have been pretty lame and tame. Breakups can help sometimes.

AePhi6782 · #9 07-19-2002, 01:07 PM

WOW....i cant beleive your story! It is a miracle you two wnded up getting married...but i guess it was fate...whats meant to be will be. I guess you can fight like cats and dogs and then take a break and be happy...i hope so. Maybe the fighting is just a stage...

My problem is that I cant stand the break...i am going crazy...i want to be back together sooooo bad but he is hurt because a couple months ago, i was seeing another guy (what prompted the break) but that was a mistake and i realized that i really love my boyf...except now he doesnt want a relationahip..and i can deal with that for the summer...but once school starts...all the other sorority girls are gonna find out we broke up and be all over him..i just cant deal with that...i still love him very much! I want to give him his space but after a few days..i end up calling him and fighting with him over how we should be back together...and begging him to forgive me and give me a chance...but he thinks he cant give me what i want right now. But i think he can if we work on things and just stop fighting. He still however says he loves me and that im his best friend.

Im so confused.

DWAlphaGam · #10 07-19-2002, 03:42 PM

AePhi6782, I had pretty much the same situation with my boyfriend during our senior year of college. Everything was going just fine after 2 1/2 yrs, and then he decided he needed space, even though he still loved me. Our "break" lasted for the better part of a year. He finally started coming around when I stopped pestering him about getting back together. I made up my mind not to call him or make any special effort to talk to him, and after awhile, he started calling me all the time. Letting him have his space was one of the hardest things I've done, but it's definitiely been worth it. Now, everything is better than ever, and I have a lot more confidence in our relationship because we've proven that we can make it through the hard times. So, if you really feel that it's meant to be, it will be. You just have to have patience and faith that it will work out for the best. Good luck to you!

CarolinaDG · #11 07-19-2002, 03:47 PM

My roomie and her boyfriend have been dating for over 4 years, but have broken up 3 times. I'm certain that they're going to get married (though she tries not to say that for fear of jinxing it).

Yeah, I'm totally over the guy, just not totally over the hurt. I thought he was one thing, and ended up being another. We broke up over a year ago, but I still am being told things by his best friend's ex-fiance about how much he lied to me. I guess that's part of my fear, too. That I'll mis-judge a guy again and end up with another jerk like him.

Allie · #12 07-19-2002, 10:11 PM

*Bring Ben and Jerry's*

All this relationship and boy talk makes a girl really want the only guys she needs LOL

Seriously my best advice for carolinaDG is to just date the guys, as in hang out. Just because your dating someone doesn't mean it has to be serious, casual dating is a lot more relaxed and fun

justamom- AMEN! You should NEVER change your life for a guy. I mean in the long run yes, but to totally flip your world upside down just to follow around one guy like a little puppy dog is a major problem.

Last of all be friends with guys, just don't date them, I have actually had some of my old boyfriends try to set me up

And the last note, there are TONS of guys out there don't obsesse over one

And heres one other thing to think about: If you can't love yourself, how are you going to love someone else? Or it was something along tht line that Rupaul said