Dear Alcohol...

[LeslieAGD]

I got this forward from a friend and thought it was pretty funny.
I thought I'd pass it along to all of you here on GC:

* * * * *

Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests
at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is
far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a burrito, along with
a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips washed down with chocolate
Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat is beyond me. I think you went too
far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black
and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from
ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros,
bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable ba lloon animals, traffic
cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with
people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my
best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I
most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in
fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly,
etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they
so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous now. The 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to
going to bed/passing out facedown on the ki tchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my
daily Saturday or Sunday or any day for that matter activities.

C'mon now, it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

[sigtau305]

Nice.