Relationship Advice! I need Help!!

bluesky20 · #1 07-14-2003, 12:42 PM

Any insight you guys can give me would be great!

So, my boyfriend and I got together at the beginnging of April of this past school year (my sophomore year, his freshman year). We live about 2.5 hours away from each other when we're at home, so we don't get to see each other too often; about once every 3 or 4 weeks. As of today, I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, since he came to visit for a couple days.

He works at night during the week, from about 6 PM til very early AM, so it's hard to get a hold of him sometimes but usually not impossible. We always talk to each other on our cellphones, and once in a blue moon over AOL IM.

The last time we spoke was late Wednesday night, on good terms, everything normal. But today's Monday. I've tried and tried to get a hold of him, I've called his cell and left messages (granted, he doesn't always have it with him and isn't great about checking voicemail, but it's a bit ridiculous at this point), I sent him a quick email, I even looked up his home number at his parents' house (there are 2 listed and both are fax numbers, unfortunately).

So it's been 5 days, and no word from the boyfriend. I'm supposed to go visit him this next weekend, but if I'm not hearing from him, I don't know what to do about that. Everything has literally been fine lately, we've been on great terms, so what's happening?? I know he's a busy guy, but come on, who's that busy? Please help!

texas*princess · #2 07-14-2003, 12:52 PM

That's a major bummer

I'm terribly sorry you are going through that right now!

I think the best thing for you to do is **remain calm**. Freaking out would probably scare him if you get in touch with him!

What kind of voicemails have you left him?

Try just leaving a casual one like "Hey there.. I haven't heard from you in awhile, so I was just making sure our plans for this weekend were still on" (or something to that effect)

bluesky20 · #3 07-14-2003, 12:55 PM

The last voicemail I left him was just, like, Hey, sorry I've been calling a lot but this is a long time for me not to hear from you, even for you, and you know I'm a worrier, so please just call me and let me know everything's ok, yada yada...

He knows that I really do worry when I don't hear from him, so if this is on purpose or something, it's really, really mean.

Dionysus · #4 07-14-2003, 01:10 PM

I wouldn't be suprised...from a guy. He could be doing this on purpose to see how you would react.
Chill out on trying to reach him.

Here's something that usually get people to return your calls, even guys: Leave a element of curiousity in your message (for example, "I know you're going to love it. When you call, I will tell you what is going on")

texas*princess · #5 07-14-2003, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dionysus
I wouldn't be suprised...from a guy. He could be doing this on purpose to see how you would react.
Chill out on trying to reach him.

Agreed! Guys are silly creatures and if they can get their girlfriend to be all worried and calling every 5 seconds, most (not all) guys would be like 'yea.. i got her in her place' or something silly like that! It's definately an ego booster for those types of guys. I'm not saying your guy is like that, but the possibility may be there.

Quote:

Here's something that usually get people to return your calls, even guys: Leave a element of curiousity in your message (for example, "I know you're going to love it. When you call, I will tell you what is going on")

Also.. agreed! This one totally works on guys.

bluesky20 · #6 07-14-2003, 04:33 PM

<Sigh> Still nothing.

But I have to work soon so hopefully that'll keep my mind busy so I can't think about it. Plus, I work at a vet so I can just hug my dawgies and they can help me feel better

It is very, very unlike him to do this, even if it is some weird macho-guy-proving-ownership type thing. He's not like that at all, he's actually really classy and wouldn't pull that kind of stuff. Last time we talked the last thing he said was that he loved me, and I gotta believe that, ya know?

Only thing I can really think of is something bad happened to him...Not a nice thought.

Any other ideas?

texas*princess · #7 07-14-2003, 04:46 PM

hang in there bluesky!

If you're genuinely worried about him, perhaps you two have a mutual friend who may have spoken with him since you last talked to him? If there is, maybe you should talk to him/her and they could shed some light on the situation!

aabby757 · #8 07-14-2003, 05:04 PM

Well, since the last time you two spoke he said "I love you" maybe he's freaking out by that?

My advice -- and you probably don't want to hear it -- is not call back and no matter what he does, DO NOT GO SEE HIM like you've planned.

You're allowing this behavior to continue and by having you keep him hanging like this could set a precendence and he's behaviour is NOT acceptable. So, say when he calls, all nice and lovely in your best feminine voice, that you didn't know what was going on when he didn't have the respect for you to call you back (don't say the respect part) and say you've made other plans.

What he is doing is NOT nice and you can not allow him to continue.

Personally, it sounds like he is freaking out by the "I love you" part and he may be pushing away.

And, if that is the case, you're unfortunately going to have to let him go.

I'm sorry if I'm being brutal but I know this song way to well.

PiEp299 · #9 07-14-2003, 05:48 PM

Let me give you a guy's take on this...

I'm just going to be honest (-read- could be harsh).
Sorry, but if you really "love" someone you can make time to talk to them in 5 days time. Even if it's "Hey, miss you. I'm busy as hell, gotta go."

I don't know what kinds of guys the rest of you date, but guys don't play these games, unless.....they aren't as interested as you are. Either something happened the last time you saw each other, he's been thinking WAY too much this summer, or there's another girl that he hasn't seen since high school (he is a freshman, so, that can cause problems - been there, done that).

Regardless, drop him like a bad habit. He's obviously not mature enough to date a woman.

cash78mere · #10 07-14-2003, 06:01 PM

anyone see sex in the city last night? it was a similar situation. they came to a conclusion----honey, he's just not that into you.

bluesky20 · #11 07-14-2003, 10:26 PM

No offense guys, but I think you're wrong...here's why:

This wasn't by any means the first time he's said he loves me, so he's not freaking out about that. We've been saying that for over 2 months now, it's not a new thing.

Here's the freaky thing. I was able to get a hold of one of his buddies earlier today. Keep in mind, I haven't talked to the b/f in five days. When I asked his buddy how long it's been since he talked to him, his answer? Five days. Which leads me to think that it's not just me, and something big has to have happened in the last five days, i.e. he or someone in his family has gotten hurt or something, I dunno.

But anyhow, this buddy of his promised me he'd do everything he could to get a hold of him, and I'll see if he's got contact #s for any more of my b/f's friends that might know what's up. The buddy also asked if we had had a fight or something, and I said no, that everything had been going great. And he said, "Well, that's what doesn't add up about this. When I talked to him, that's exactly what he said, that everything was going great with you guys."

Clearly, something's wrong, but I'm really starting to doubt that it's anything with our relationship. I'm hoping that once I get in touch with some of his other friends that they might have heard about what's going on and/or might have his number at his folks' house.

I'll keep you posted.

texas*princess · #12 07-14-2003, 10:34 PM

bluesky,
I'm glad to hear you were able to contact one of his friends and that they are on the lookout for your boyfriend too. I hope everything is ok! Hang in there

p.s. I'm going to send you a pm!

Munchkin03 · #13 07-14-2003, 10:42 PM

5 days? Even when I was hiking through Sicily, my boyfriend definitely made the effort to contact me through email or voicemail every other day or so--this was with a 7 hour time difference! When there is something wrong with his family or health, I'm the first person to know. I'm THAT important in his life, and he's that important in mine. But, I guess this is what happens when you've dated someone for three years, instead of three months, and are in the process of getting engaged. Like Pi Ep, you can't really "love" someone and go without communicating with them in SOME way for 5 days. Saying it is one thing, actually LOVING someone is far different.

Hate to sound so cynical, but we've all been there, done that, and have the battle scars to prove it.

erniegurl00 · #14 07-15-2003, 03:40 PM

Ok. I'm going to play devil's advocate here...

We're all assuming the problem is between bluesky20 and her boyfriend. Yes, usually people who are in love do talk more frequently than every five days. BUT, let's not forget the fact that his friend also hasn't heard from him in five days. Why would the friend get shunned as well if the problem was solely with the couple???

bluesky20 · #15 07-15-2003, 10:04 PM

Well, I have a little more info now so I'll update everyone...

I talked again to his buddy today. He said he got a voicemail from my b/f at 7:30 this morning. It was pretty garbled, so all he could understand was "Got new job...working now...call you later."

Let me give you all some background. My b/f's family has a business...he, his dad, and his grandpa do the work, and his mother does the payroll. So he and his dad work together, but their personalities clash a lot.

The b/f's grades were really bad this past semester and his dad came down really hard on him about it (shape up or this is your last semester at this university, you're paying for next semester yourself, you have to get an apt. by yourself instead of living in house, etc.). His dad comes down pretty hard on him about a lot of things. Granted, he does do some jackass things but his dad is kind of an ogre about it.

So, from what me and the buddy can figure, he did something to set his dad off and his dad fired him, so he had to find a new job and there's a lot of turmoil at home. Basically his mom is the mediator and holding everything together by a thread. The buddy said that as soon as he hears anything from him, he'll direct him to me ASAP.

In my opinion, all this does seem like a legitimate reason for the not calling, especially since the stuff between him and his dad has been brewing for some time now. I think he's probably holding off talking to me about it until stuff cools off and/or until he has enough time to tell me the whole story. Also, he may be trying to iron things out at least a little with his dad so that I can still visit (I hope so, it's been a month!) I'm sure he knew that his buddy would pass the info on to me so I'd have some idea of what's up. I also spoke to one of his fraternity brothers who has all the other brothers he could get a hold of on the lookout for him.

Later tonight I hope to be able to reach their fraternity president to see if he has my b/f's parents' number. If it really comes down to it, the prez actually lives in the same town as my b/f and if he knows how worried I am, I'm sure he'd be willing to stop by their house and see what's up. So, that's where everything is now...I'll keep you posted.