is it possible to stay friends w/ an ex?

gammazetagrl · #1 06-18-2001, 03:27 PM

Well given my current situation I was wondering about this. And you know how when a couple breaks up they say "oh we can still be friends" but then they cannot get over the awkward situation and so it doesnt really happen? has it happened where u guys have realllly been able to stay in contact w/ an ex and even hang out (platonically)once a while? or is this all just BS? how long has it took where u can finally see your ex and not feel grudgingly or sad (like longing for him)anymore, and actually be HAPPY for him?..oh yeah and one more thing, is it proper, and if it is, in what time frame should it be okay to ask your ex whether they have a new gf/bf?

Sorry for the babbling. But any replies will be greatly appreciated.

------------------
"To supress our feelings only makes them stronger"--from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

lovelyivy84 · #2 06-18-2001, 03:31 PM

It has for me, but we were very young and our relatiohsnip was not sexual. IT's hard to be friends with someone after you've invested so much emotion in that person and you're not together anymore. I think that with a lot of time to heal and mturity on both sides it is possible, but it's hard work to forget all the stuff you did to one another.

LeslieAGD · #3 06-18-2001, 03:37 PM

Hey GammaZetaGirl: In the past, I have dated three of my best guy friends and after we broke up we still stayed friends. I would say that it depends on how your relationship ended and whether or not you were friends before hand, although that has just been my experience. IMO, I wouldn't ask about if/who he is dating until you can ask him without being jealous/vengeful. Hope that helps.

KillarneyRose · #4 06-18-2001, 03:44 PM

Hi Gammazetagrl! I think that is is possible for exes to become friends, but only after they have been broken up long enough so that neither party still has romantic interest in the other. This can take a long time depending on the nature of the former relationship and the circumstances of the break-up, etc.

What I think about asking your former s/o about his or her dating is this... It is alright to ask as long as you feel that you'll be okay no matter what the answer is. Otherwise, you are opening yourself up to the possibility of a world of hurt. Trust me sweetie, I am your elder and I know of what I speak!

------------------
@~Tracy~@

By the light of the lamp, by the light of the lamp, by the bright shiny light, by the light of the lamp...if you are a DeeZee, you're the best that you can be, by the bright shiny light of the lamp!

[This message has been edited by KillarneyRose (edited June 18, 2001).]

Ideal08 · #5 06-18-2001, 03:45 PM

I, too, have remained friends with an ex, but he and I weren't sexually involved. We were VERY CLOSE friends, though, before dating, and remained so afterwards. He is now married and expecting his first child, and I couldn't be happier for him!

Now, my most recent ex, our relationship is definitely a little different. We are slowly but surely becoming friends. Now, this took A WHILE!! About a year and a half, roughly. Before that, I still wanted to be in a relationship with him. If one of you still wants the relationship, the friendship is basically impossible, unfortunately. But after you're over him, everything is pretty much smooth sailing.

As far as when to ask about new love interests, that depends on the personalities of the persons involved. My ex knows me, and he knows I'm nosey. So I ask whatever I want, LOL. *BUT* Only ask the question if you are PREPARED for the answer. My mother always told me not to ask a question I didn't want to know the answer to.

The fact of the matter is, if you and your ex were actually friends before or became friends during your relationship, then you will be friends afterwards. The road might be bumpy, but the friendship will remain. My ex is very special to me, so I'm willing to work (only as much as he is) to maintain a friendship with him. I would hope to be at his wedding and he at mine, yadda yadda yadda.

Sisterplum · #6 06-18-2001, 05:29 PM

I'm still friends with my first love. It was weird being around him for a while, but after about 6 months of break-up land, I was cool with it.We had dated for 14 months. He had a new girl, and I had a new guy. Now we're more like old friends than ex's! It's great...I can give him advice on chickys and he helps me with guy related issues!

Vera

33girl · #7 06-18-2001, 08:46 PM

One of my exes is an extremely dear friend of mine, still, after 10+ years. I think it's because when we were dating, we had a rather strange relationship....we knew there was no way in hell we'd ever get married and were very pragmatic about the whole thing. There would have been no point to NOT staying friends, for us.

He's basically like one of my girlfriends, with different equipment.

The thing I love the best about our relationship now is I can tell him ANYTHING about my life and not worry what he'll think, and vice versa.

gphi2k · #8 06-19-2001, 11:25 AM

I have a girlfriend who always asks me why, when she and a guy break up, can't they be friends? The guy usually pulls away and is distant and it makes her nuts. I always ask her if she's sure she wants to be friends with the ex. She always says yes, and I always try my litmus (sp?) test of this possibility on her, and her answer, more often than not changes to, 'okay, maybe not'.

If you can handle your ex dating someone else, then you're ready to be true friends. If you can't handle that idea (which usually is extrememly difficult after a break up, for a long time, regardless of the circumstances) then you are simply not ready to be friends. I really think it's as cut and dry as that. And I guess, with that response, I have answered both questions

. It's the proper time to ask if your ex is seeing someone, if and only if you're ready and prepared to hear the answer, and to be uneffected by it.

What really sucks is when one half of the ex duo is ready and anxious to be friends and the other is not. Then it's just a waiting game. I do believe after a lot of time and moving on, it is possible for exes to be friends.

Leslie

newbie · #9 06-19-2001, 10:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by gphi2k:
and I always try my litmus (sp?) test of this possibility on her,

Hi Leslie!!! Can I ask you what the litmus test is, if it's not too personal?? Thanks!!

orchid2 · #10 06-20-2001, 03:19 AM

Hmmm, well I'm usually the one who feels SOOO awkward around an ex for the longest. It usually takes me like a year before things can get COMPLETELY back to normal.

Honestly, exes can make some of the best friends because you have such a rich history and you know so much about each other. One in particular has called me on several occasions asking advice for his new relationship, and I've been more than happy to try and help out. The same one was there for me as a shoulder to cry on when I got ditched by my homecoming date last year!

(He talked all night about "kicking that punk's @$$" and it made me feel much better, not to mention the laugh. hehe.) It can become a mutual caring process if you let it. Exes can be fun to just hang out with and talk to...after a while of course, when each other KNOWS exactly where the other stands.

Know what I mean?

ZTAngel · #11 06-20-2001, 10:49 AM

I dated my high school sweetheart for almost 2 years. Orchid2 is right when saying that some ex's make the best of friends. My ex knows me better than some of my best friends do! I have another boyfriend now but whenever I need relationship advice, believe it or not, I go to my ex. He knows me best on how I act with a significant other so when I need to find out if I have a right to be upset with my boyfriend or if I'm overreacting...my ex is able to let me know! It takes a little while to get over the awkwardness but if you stick through it, ex's come in very handy! Here's a cool fact: my ex and my boyfriend met for the first time a month ago....and they got along!!!!!

nucutiepie · #12 06-20-2001, 04:36 PM

One of my exes is now one of my best friends... I partied at his house last night in fact! We dated sophomore year of high school and our break up was REALLY messy. Following that we fought until roughly halfway into my junior year... but ever since we have been great friends, chilling whenever we are home and emailing when we are away.

I have had a few who I never spoke to again, and one who I am just casual aquaintances with, and another whith whom I might be getting back together...

gphi2k · #13 06-21-2001, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by newbie:
Hi Leslie!!! Can I ask you what the litmus test is, if it's not too personal?? Thanks!!

Hey Newbie,
What I meant by my litmus test is that I ask her if she could handle it if her ex was dating someone else. If she can handle it, then she will be able to really be 'friends' with him. If she can't handle it yet, she's not ready to be friends with him yet either. That's all I meant. Hope this clears it up

.

Leslie

littlegirlblue · #14 06-22-2001, 09:55 AM

For me, I always try not to burn bridges with anyone. A lot of the men I have dated have ended up being better friends that what we were in the beginning.

gammazetagrl · #15 06-24-2001, 01:00 AM

Newbie...did u really?

girl if that happened to me i would totally react the same way...although probably your old feeligns died down couple minutes after right? hehehe hope so...oops, j/k!

yeah if he emails me or something a long time from now after an absence of communication, i would be walking through memory lane and be all nostalgic...