Do you guys judge people by their past Significant Others?

James · #1 07-15-2001, 06:44 AM

I kind of have a habit of judging girls I meet by who they used to date, if I know. I have a pretty high opinion of myself and if I find out the guy they dated for a significant length of time was not up to standard, I start wondering if I want to be in that same category. Cause it does kind of group you together. And if she'll date that kind of guy it doesn't bode well for her appreciation of something better.

I have been told by girls that this isn't really fair, although they never really explained why very well. . .

Anyone share this quirk to some degree or can tell me why this would be a bad thing?

Miami1839 · #2 07-15-2001, 09:33 AM

James,

Thats a good question. I dont really know the answer but I could give it a guess. I know women tend to size you up for various reasons. Every girl is different though and they have their own needs/wants in a guy.

I would say its a bad thing to judge that in a girl because not every guy is the same I guess. It would sort of be like comparing. At least comparing yourself to other men shes dated. Which I can understand your reasons but I think girls dont look at it that way. I could be wrong though.

I know women also(as they get older beyond college) like to size up men as far as what their kids are going to look like. Another one, will I be able to live with this guy. They might be no brainers though.

Kevin
Beta Theta Pi

sigmagrrl · #3 07-15-2001, 09:47 AM

UGH! What a harsh thing to do! We all change over time (Hell, I used to like MC HAMMER pants! Don't shoot me for that!), so it's not at all an accurate measure of anything about the person you are interested in. Also, judging someone based on ANOTHER PERSON is a very juvenile and immature way of living. If you like that person, LIKE THEM and do not concern yourself with their past unless they have a child, a substance issue or mental problems or unless they choose to share it with you!

It's ok to have a high opinion of yourself, as long as you try to see others in the same good light! There is a difference between self confidence and arrogance. Arrogance roots itself in insecurity and your comment smacks of insecurity. You base your self image on the people you associate with and obviously judge others the same way. Not a good way to live...

33girl · #4 07-15-2001, 03:39 PM

James -

HAHAHAHAHAHA.....does this have anything to do with that "Ned" email I sent you?

No this isn't fair because - I look at some of the guys I dated and it's like looking at the fashion mistakes in my closet. "ACK! What was I thinking??!?" We all grow and change and make big ole blunders. Even though I dated some jerks, I would never say I'd like to take it back because I learned something from each relationship and if I hadn't I wouldn't be where I am now.

But if you're talking a woman who makes a habit of dating men who beat the crap out of her, that's something else again. Unless you want to be an unpaid psychiatrist, being her friend is the only commitment you should make unless you enjoy trying to talk people out of self-destruction.

KSig RC · #5 07-15-2001, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James:

Anyone share this quirk to some degree or can tell me why this would be a bad thing?

Yeah, I do this on a certain level - although I try not to make it an issue, sometimes you can gain insight into people by past experiences, significant relationships included. Probably, though, I would think that this sort of thing makes a difference to me only if there's a discernable pattern. An example: I dated a girl that had a definite pattern of only dating guys (long-term) who treated her horribly, in every way. This came up after she would do things, somewhat inexplicably, that would seem to 'sabotage' the relationship b/w us, like she wanted me to blow up or whatever (that sounds very Dr. Drew, but whatever) - it turned out there was a deep-seated psychological reaction to past abuse that caused this. This, in the end, ended the relationship, but ended up helping her a lot, as she could get some help. However, I'm sure I wouldn't want to be judged solely on some of the girls I dated when I was 15 or whatever, so I tend to try not to 'judge' a girl based on her past relationships, but rather I attempt to use them like anything else to help understand people a little better. OK rant's over.

James · #6 07-15-2001, 09:50 PM

lol, I thought this post might cause a bit of a turmoil . . .

Without seeming to apologize let me clarify a bit.

Long term relationship to me usually means something like a 6 week relationship with a 2 year break-up. Most people seem to stay WAY past the point of unhappiness with unsuitable people.

KilarneyRose has a good point. Interestingly enough almost every woman I have met seems to be a pessimist when it comes to themselves, whereas almost every guy I have ever met seems to think he is a gift to womankind (an attitude that works with him). Seriously, I have seen the most appearnace and personality challenged guys look in the mirror before going and out and be like, "I'm going to get me some tonight!"

I think, and this case I know several guys that do this, we are not precisely judging the woman as an individual per se, but rather judging a situation. If a girl is willing to spend huge amounts of time in an unhappy situation, and with someone that doesn't treat them well, they don't necessarily seem like the greatest candidate for emotional investment, she might not have the reference points to actually deal, appreciate, or reciprocate.

Also, guys tend to be super competitive among other guys, and it seems that we might be placing ourselves on the same level as another guy by dating the same girl he dated . . . Which is not fair, but we don't live in a vacuum and many of our judgments are socially affected.

This actually places like aside and applies more to first meeting and sizing the person up. Obviously when we actually start really liking someone we will make all kinds of allowances.

Oh and what worriedsenior said is very true, I can kind of dig someone for any number of reasons . . . but I have yet to fail to see when killer eyes hides severe personality problems, or stay in such a situation for a long time.

KillarneyRose · #7 07-16-2001, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by James:
I have a pretty high opinion of myself and if I find out the guy they dated for a significant length of time was not up to standard, I start wondering if I want to be in that same category.

Hi James! You know, it is possible that the other men whom you considered to be "not up to standard" also had a high opinion of themselves. I'm just saying that not everyone shares the same opinion regarding what makes a significant other good or bad.

I'm definitely not busting on you, but I just wanted to throw that out there!

------------------
@~Tracy~@

By the light of the lamp, by the light of the lamp, by the bright shiny light, by the light of the lamp...if you are a DeeZee, you're the best that you can be, by the bright shiny light of the lamp!

SSS1365 · #8 07-16-2001, 09:02 AM

I've dated a few guys that now when I look back I have no idea what I saw in them. The guy I'm with now is nothing like them at all! There is a reason I'm not with those guys anymore. Just because I once dated a certain type of guy doesn't mean that's the only type of guy I'm interested in dating. In fact, I think it's more that I've learned that's NOT the type of guy I want to date!

MoxieGrrl · #9 08-06-2001, 09:29 PM

Sometimes I get angry that the guy I'm with has "dated" (and I use this in the very loosest sense of the world) some of the skankiest girls on campus. Oh you know the ones....

He's such a great guy, so I just don't get it. *sighs*

But I have to say, I get really annoyed when people judge me by my pot-smoking, sixth-year senior ex.

Such is life..

honeychile · #10 10-12-2009, 02:09 PM

People change. Needs change. The world changes.

I would worry more about whether or not the other person had ever been in a significant relationship rather than what the person was like. Although I am a little leery about the boy's ex being a gymnast.

DrPhil · #11 10-12-2009, 02:15 PM

Yes because I look at people's track records.

The common denominator in all of the relationships is YOU. Don't go on and on about crazy exes because I'll wonder why YOU keep looking for/finding crazy women. Or, why otherwise sane women keep turning crazy when they get with YOU.

KSUViolet06 · #12 10-12-2009, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Don't go on and on about crazy exes because I'll wonder why YOU keep looking for/finding crazy women.

This.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a guy refers to several exes as "psycho" or "crazy." That's always a red flag to me.

Really, what are the odds that every single girl you've dated is "crazy?"

ree-Xi · #13 10-12-2009, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James

I kind of have a habit of judging girls I meet by who they used to date, if I know. I have a pretty high opinion of myself and if I find out the guy they dated for a significant length of time was not up to standard, I start wondering if I want to be in that same category. Cause it does kind of group you together. And if she'll date that kind of guy it doesn't bode well for her appreciation of something better.

I have been told by girls that this isn't really fair, although they never really explained why very well. . .

Anyone share this quirk to some degree or can tell me why this would be a bad thing?

What are you basing your standards on? Subjective issues such as appearance or popularity? Objective things like wealth and job status? Religion or race of previous boyfriends? Immoral or unlawful behavior of/with previous boyfriends?

Some people date the same "type" of person over and over, while others date different types of people, choosing their partners based on their unique personality/style/interests/etc.

As for judging someone based on who they have dated before, I guess it depends on what you are judging. I do personally try to associate with people who bring out the best in me and who can be a good influence on me, but I wouldn't automatically refuse to be friends with someone just because they have a friend who I wouldn't necessarily be close with.

I've been married for quite a while so that's the closest analogy I can draw, but if I was still dating, I wouldn't necessarily discount dating someone because I thought that their previous relationship was with someone "lesser" than me.

MysticCat · #14 10-12-2009, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

What are you basing your standards on? Subjective issues such as appearance or popularity? Objective things like wealth and job status? Religion or race of previous boyfriends? Immoral or unlawful behavior of/with previous boyfriends?

Psst. James's post is 8 years old.

Which leads me to ask, where has James been? He hasn't posted since April.

ree-Xi · #15 10-12-2009, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Psst. James's post is 8 years old.

Which leads me to ask, where has James been? He hasn't posted since April.

Pssst...I know. But it was bumped and others responded.