Depression and Relationships (Romantic, Friends, Family, etc)

[Sen's Revenge]

At what point do you "give up" on someone who is clearly battling with depression, so much so that it takes a toll on your own life?

Non-hypothetical Example: I put together a care package for a friend who is having a rough go at it. (Nevermind what was in it, but you can believe it was thoughtful, fun, and while not terribly expensive, still more than I would spend on someone I liked less lol)

Well the package was sent back (no specific notice, was just marked Returned to Sender by post office), and he is not answering texts, phone calls, emails, or facebook messages. (I am not stalking him, but I did want to make sure he was not dead.)

Asked a mutual friend had he heard from him and he was like yeah, he posted in our GroupMe yesterday.

I know that his pattern is to retreat and not "bother" anyone else with his problems when he is experiencing stress and/or depression, and I can respect that, but I do feel as though I am owed an explanation about why this package was returned to me when I had just confirmed his mailing address not more than three weeks ago.

What do you all think?

[carnation]

I would be interested in hearing what y'all have to say too.

[jolene]

Has he gotten on medication? I say this as someone who comes from a family that needs medication. LOL (Hey, sometimes humor is how you handle these things--that's what my sis and I decided. If you don't laugh you'll cry). If I'm irreverent here, it's not because I don't understand or don't care. Trust me, been there and done that.

Don't give up on your friend. Keep chipping away at him. He may push you away, but please don't give up. Not sure how else to say it. He will remember you as the one who helped him out of his funk. Most of the time, we don't want to bother anyone and we will push you away, but we secretly love you pushy friends.

My mother is schizo-affective bi-polar (she got permanently institutionalized when I was in my late 20s), my nephew is ADHD with OCD, my sis is OCD and I'm clinically depressed with a different sort of OCD. Mine's 'easily' handled with 150mg of Zoloft. My nephew had crippling OCD one summer of his high school year. He literally could barely function. My fam is the gamut of psychiatric issues. Feel free to ask me anything. The irony is that at once during my undergrad, I thought about changing my major to psychology.

[33girl]

you can get comfortable in your depression, so to speak, and not want to be dragged out of it. You avoid those who you know will question you, challenge you, and maybe make you face uncomfortable truths. I don't by any means Mean that you would grill him and ask him a bunch of questions, more that you will bring things up just by your presence.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. As you know I've been a tad fuzzy the past few weeks.

[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by jolene

Has he gotten on medication? I say this as someone who comes from a family that needs medication. LOL (Hey, sometimes humor is how you handle these things--that's what my sis and I decided. If you don't laugh you'll cry). If I'm irreverent here, it's not because I don't understand or don't care. Trust me, been there and done that.

Don't give up on your friend. Keep chipping away at him. He may push you away, but please don't give up. Not sure how else to say it. He will remember you as the one who helped him out of his funk. Most of the time, we don't want to bother anyone and we will push you away, but we secretly love you pushy friends.

My mother is schizo-affective bi-polar (she got permanently institutionalized when I was in my late 20s), my nephew is ADHD with OCD, my sis is OCD and I'm clinically depressed with a different sort of OCD. Mine's 'easily' handled with 150mg of Zoloft. My nephew had crippling OCD one summer of his high school year. He literally could barely function. My fam is the gamut of psychiatric issues. Feel free to ask me anything. The irony is that at once during my undergrad, I thought about changing my major to psychology.

I appreciate your candor AND your irreverence. Thank you.

Originally Posted by 33girl

you can get comfortable in your depression, so to speak, and not want to be dragged out of it. You avoid those who you know will question you, challenge you, and maybe make you face uncomfortable truths. I don't by any means Mean that you would grill him and ask him a bunch of questions, more that you will bring things up just by your presence.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. As you know I've been a tad fuzzy the past few weeks.

I do understand. He hates that I am a fixer and I have tried to be less of a fixer and more of a listener and thoughtful gift giver.

Thanks guys. I think i can deal well with anything life throws me except when people shut off communications. I have even dealt with old friends who have themselves been institutionalized due to psychosis - yes I am pretty damn proud of myself in a non-smug way. lol

[jolene]

I'm a born fixer and in need of psychiatric meds. Yep. I'm a full bag. (Sense of humor is key) Please don't hesitate to ask questions. I'm all out helping others with my weirdness. As a songwriter, holy cats, it was Mack daddy.

[andthen]

I thought I'd chime in as someone who has dealt with bouts of depression most of her life. Thankfully medication and lifestyle adjustments have helped tremendously.

At any rate, I think if a friend had taken the time to send a care package even in my worst days I would have still accepted it regardless and at least sent a thank you even if it was a quick e-mail or text. And while I do empathazie with your friend and what they are going through to me it seems like it was sort of a passive-aggressive move on their part. Unless they magically managed to move between the time you confirmed their address and when you mailed the package out.

With that possibility noted above, I think the best course is to let them know you care for them and if they need help to reach out and leave it at that. I also believe with depression that people need to realize on their own when they should ask for and get help, I know in my own situation in those moments I just felt like I had no control over life (even though in hindsight I did). As hard as that might be for fixers to hear. Best of luck.

[Sen's Revenge]

Thank you, andthen. I just emailed him saying I care and that I'm here and I explained what was going on with the package, including the tracking number so he can look into it himself if he wanted.

(I did google map the address just to see if it was valid as I had it written down, and it is an apartment building - he never send me an apartment number, so perhaps that was the issue, but that still doesn't explain the lack of contact after that. *shrug*)

[DeltaBetaBaby]

In depressive bouts, I have done the thing where I know I have to return a phone call or email or something, and then I don't, and then time passes and it feels like it would be weird to get back to the other person, so then I don't, and more time passes....etc.

[Kevin]

Send a post card every month or so if you want to make them know that door is still open. I say post card because unlike emails or letters, no one has to make the decision to open them.

[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by Kevin

Send a post card every month or so if you want to make them know that door is still open. I say post card because unlike emails or letters, no one has to make the decision to open them.

That is so smart. Thanks, Kevin.

[FSUZeta]

Don't give up on your friend and don't write him/her off. If he/she harmed him/herself after you had cut ties it might be hard to deal with. Strength to you Sen.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by Sen's Revenge

That is so smart. Thanks, Kevin.

I know, right? I like that idea!

[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by Jen

This is one of my fears, that my illnesses are too much for people. That they're only being nice because they haven't discovered how bad it is, and once they do, they'll leave.

So it's a lot easier to stay away from people than risk that might happen. Because it has happened before, many times. You get accused of creating drama, when you're literally just trying to stay alive that day, and coping doesn't come out nice and pretty sometimes. And you feel bad and broken, and retreat. And then they do something nice and you feel you don't deserve it, and it's just going to make it harder when they do leave and you just have to shut them out because otherwise you'll get stomped on again.

I know it's hard to deal with people with depression, anxiety etc - I know because I find it hard to deal with me lol. But I'm never doing it on purpose and I'm never trying to hurt someone. It's all reaction and coping, and it sucks.

Just try and stick with them - ignore the behaviour that hurt you as best you can. Kevin's idea is awesome! No pressure, and if you can find some unique cards it could be fun.

And use the gift stuff you bought for yourself if you can lol.

I am trying so hard lol.... incidentally, the stuff I got (which includes adult coloring books) actually makes my anxiety worse lolol

[Sen's Revenge]

Originally Posted by Jen

But adult colouring books are fun! Except that you have to choose colours and pick where they go and, okay, I can see where this may not be fun lol.

Next time buy stuff you know you'll like if it gets returned LOL.

ABSOLUTELY. LOL