Thinking about disaffiliating

True2me · #1 05-29-2003, 07:03 AM

Well, I'm a little, no maybe really frustrated with my sorority that I am in.

Hypocritical is one word that I can describe how I've felt about my sorority for quite awhile now. I've been a pretty active member for about 3 years in the sorority and been good in terms of behavior or social conduct. I want to stick it out for one more year so I can make it to my full 4 years and go alum, but I don't know if it's worth it anymore. In my eyes, and a couple of other girls in the sorority can agree with me, I do not see sisterhood in our house. Sisterhood is about helping each other grow by being there for one another, even if one has done bad. The thing about sororities sometimes, is that the organizantional/political side sometimes can be more important to a house more than what we are truely about - sisterhood. I know that a sorority needs to be political at times to keep the sorority organized and strong, but when people take their positions to the head and overabuse them, and put their political power over sisterhood, it sucks. I see drama not only in formals, but in philantrophy events, sisterhood events, etc. over stupid shiznez. I can honestly say that I have gained 3 close friends from being in this sorority, but those 3 close friends are dissaffiliated from the sorority. Right now, I don't have one single best friend in the sorority (not even my big or lil sis, nor can I see any of they apart of my wedding. And believe me, I have tried, but sometimes, the "fakeness" sticks out in some people, and I have seen it. I have so much to say and the whole story behind why I feel that I want to disaffiliate, but I don't want to write it on GC. If anyone can give me advice... or has free time to listen to the rest of my story please reply....

True2me · #2 05-29-2003, 07:10 AM

Oh, I want to "lay low," but current situations aren't going to allow me to do so.

KillarneyRose · #3 05-29-2003, 08:46 AM

Is there any way you could take alumna status now? I know that every organization has different rules regarding doing that.

If not, I hope you try to stick it out until you are able to go alumna. Remember that there is more to your sisterhood than this one chapter. I would just hate for you to want to become an active alumna sometime down the road and not have that option because you disaffiliated.

Good luck!

astroAPhi · #4 05-29-2003, 08:49 AM

I've told people this a zillion times, so people are probably tired of hearing about it... I think I need to save my spiel in a word file and cut and paste.

Hon, you are not the only one who has been there. Lots of us who joined for the right reasons get extremely frustrated when people seem to be a little slower than us maturity-wise or just don't seem to "get it".

I was frustrated for close to a year. I became a "Phantom Phi", and only showed up to philanthropy events. Towards the end, the only reason I didn't turn in my badge was because it was Inspiration (Initiation) Week and I didn't want to ruin it for the new members.

I talked to sisters who felt the same as I did, and finally had the guts to say something at our annual (or rather, first time we did it, but it's becoming an annual event) Chapter Forum. I told my sisters how they had really hurt me, and how I didn't come around because I didn't feel welcome, and I thought our sisterhood was lacking.

You know what happened? Sisters who I would have never expected to apologized to me. I was in shock.

Talk to the girls you trust or feel the same... if you get a group together, the sorority has to listen. With one person they can blow it off, but many voices are hard to ignore.

Please stick it out until you can go alumna... I'm not there yet, but the experience is absolutely wonderful if you can associate with an alumnae chapter.

PM me if you need to!

justamom · #5 05-29-2003, 09:37 AM

astroAPhi I've told people this a zillion times, so people are probably tired of hearing about it... I think I need to save my spiel in a word file and cut and paste.

I do too! This is excellent advice! I don't know of a single person who hasn't felt this way at one time or another. If they HAVEN'T, then they are living a "charmed" life. Do ALL you can to make it through. Preserve a place for yourself with the alum assoc. Preserve the possibility of "legacy" for your children. Good luck and hold on!

bethany1982 · #6 05-29-2003, 10:15 AM

I think astroAPhi and justamom have given you great advice. I hear this a lot. Now my two cents... Ideally, sisterhood should be automatic, but it is not. Sisterhood is developed. If you are feeling a lack of sisterhood, perhaps you should go out of your way to develop it. Don’t wait for others to show it to you. Take the initiative. Decide that you are going to exhibit “real” sisterhood even if no one else does. I’ll bet you find that you are not alone. Spend quality time with your sisters. Don’t give up; both you, and they, are worth the effort.

CarolinaDG · #7 05-29-2003, 10:49 AM

About a year ago, my chapter was going through a rather rough time. It seemed like things were ripping apart at the seams, and we couldn't figure out what to do. Some people gave up on it, but most did not. Today, we are a stronger sisterhood than ever. Our CDC's have come in and commented on how close we are and how strong our sisterhood is. Sometimes, tough times can bring us closer together than we think. I don't know if your sorority experience would turn out like this, but I know I came really close to giving up myself, and instead stepped into a leadership position and was part of the group that was able to turn things around. Please know that as tough as things are now, it just makes it worth it to know that you're a stronger person because you stuck it out, and I promise that the reward will be great.

Tom Earp · #8 05-29-2003, 10:34 PM

True2Me, does this say to much about your feelings when you chose this name?

Tuff it out, just because there is a problem, do what you can to work it out!

Sorority life is not just college days alone, but what you have experienced while in school, and the Sisters from other Chapters that you will come in contact with in the after college life!

While I have had conflicts over the years, The Brothers that I knew when I was there and the ones who followed after me have become fast freinds. I am not counting those who I have met on G C and have talked with on them on phone or met in person!

4/5 years do not make a Soroity relationship everything that it would, should, and will be!

adpiucf · #9 05-29-2003, 10:55 PM

True2Me,

Like everyone else, I encourage you to take a leadership stance. If your exec board members are abusing their power, please talk to the chapter adviser. With one year left of collegiate membership, it would be awful to throw in the towel and miss out on the opportunities of being an alumna member.

But... and I honestly hope no one jumps all over me for saying this b/c I say it with complete sincerity-- If you feel this issue really has no resolution, and you are not the one to solve it, that you have lost your smile and can't be happy about your membership--- Well, no one will hate you if you do cancel your membership. You will still have the friends you have made and no one can take that or the memories you have made. Naturally every Greek you know is going to persuade you to stick it out. But you have to do what's right for you-- as in rush, follow your heart. No matter what you decide, we all are here to support you!

(And I really hope you do decide to stay and help make a positive change! But if you can't, we're still here to be your friends!)

True2me · #10 05-30-2003, 05:06 AM

Trust me on this one, and some of my other sorority "sisters" can probably agree, our sorority adviser is a control freak. You have to do it her way. She will not listen to me or anyone else other than exec board. I want to stick it out for another year, and I'm trying. I can not go early alum, they won't let anyone do that anymore, nor will they let me take a leave of absence. The girl who is in control of my sorority right now is a very hypocritial person and only really likes the people in her "click." I feel sometimes that they don't want to help me grow as a person, but its more about "making the chapter's image look good." Half the time I don't see sisterhood, and recent alumni can say the same. The house is changed a lot since I pledged as every house will. It hurts when an incident happened (not an incident or event you would tell the whole world about) and only two sisters know about it or saw it, and happen to tell the whole Greek system, to the point when I have friends in other sororities and fraternities calling me to ask if it was true. I know that the Greek system is like high school. But to have your own sorority "sisters" spend the incident like a wild fire, hurts. I understand if this incident would spread like no other if it involved other fraternity sorority members, but within one's own house?? And only 2 girls knew??? It blows my mind sometimes.

Bama_Alumna · #11 05-30-2003, 09:42 AM

It sounds to me like your house is going through a kind of "rebuilding" where your house's image on campus needs improvement. Maybe your exec and your advisor are only trying to enforce the existing rules and make your chapter into the kind of chapter it needs to be. Sometimes when an exec comes into office and they start making changes, it can be hard for the other members to see what they're doing is for the betterment of the chapter. One of the advisor's jobs is to help exec decide what is best for the entire house. Advisors and execs have to back each other up... their battles are being fought behind the scenes. Unless you are on exec yourself, you don't know what is going on in their meetings. I'm on the advisory council for my house and we have also been accused of being friends with exec and always "taking exec's side." We don't take sides, but we do meet with exec and try to figure out what's best for the house.
I echo what the others have said--if you want true sisterhood, exhibit it yourself. Be an example and others will follow. Also, if you only have one year left as a collegiate, stick it out. There is a good chance that things will improve soon. In college, things often seem heightened...the drama, the excitement, the disappointment. When you look back on those four short years, you won't believe the things that upset you! You'll feel so silly. And you'll regret dropping out and missing out on a fulfilling life as an alumna. Take the first step, set an example. And if you have a real problem with exec or with the advisor, talk to them personally! You might be surprised at their reactions. Sitting around complaining doesn't benefit anyone.

33girl · #12 05-30-2003, 10:14 AM

I can understand wanting to improve campus image, but that doesn't give you license to treat people like yesterday's garbage. And gabbing in-house business doesn't help anyone's image.

You know, I just trip whenever I read about these advisors that are running the chapter. I mean, WTF!!! Part of the whole point of a sorority is to run things yourselves and take leadership roles, not having to bow to an advisor who acts like Hitler. Our advisor was there to advise but she had no power whatsoever (as it should be, IMO).

AGDZO Susan · #13 05-30-2003, 12:04 PM

Advisors are there to guide and advise AND to step in when needed to enforce your organization's policies and procedures (like for risk management and membership selection), including whatever "official" documents there are, such as a constitution, bylaws, and other standing rules. Other than that, the chapter and their elected officers make the decisions!

33girl · #14 05-30-2003, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AGDZO Susan
Advisors are there to guide and advise AND to step in when needed to enforce your organization's policies and procedures (like for risk management and membership selection), including whatever "official" documents there are, such as a constitution, bylaws, and other standing rules. Other than that, the chapter and their elected officers make the decisions!

Susan, I agree, but I've read stuff on here and other sites like a chapter voting for/against a girl and the advisor overriding it for bogus reasons (I don't mean things like grades, just personal biases). An advisor who won't listen to anyone other than exec board or who fosters cliques in the sorority - even if HQ loves her and she is following every policy to the letter - is a crappy advisor. Period.

astroAPhi · #15 05-30-2003, 01:05 PM

It sounds like your advisor needs to realize that she is just that... someone who gives advice. I don't believe our advisor has any true "power", or even a voice in vote. She can tell us how she thinks, and often does, but we can and do go against her when we see fit. I'd check your Constitution/Bylaws for info.

Is there a reason why they're so worried about "image"? If there's a legit reason, think of another way to improve your image, in a much more positive manner.

As for sorority business being out in the open, we've always had a rule that we don't discuss our business in certain places, such as the Student Union Building. Other orgs aren't smart enough to do this and everyone knows their business. But even then we had to crack down on girls telling their boyfriends, etc. Emphasize that it is your business, and why would anyone join if they could know your business without even going to a meeting?