Unsure of where I ended up

[applesauce]

Hi, I'm Jane. I don’t go to a very competitive Greek school. I have a high GPA. I’m very smiley and friendly. Sure, I’m not the most “fun” person ever but I am silly and down to earth! But all of the top sororities dropped me instantly. My confidence dropped a bit, but it was okay, because I was invited back the house I absolutely loved. The house where I felt so comfortable and the one place where conversations weren’t forced at all. They almost brought me to tears when I saw their skit. They emphasized sisterhood and were all-around genuine, kind, and outgoing. I dreamed of running to them on bid day and wearing their letters. But they dropped me before pref night, and I was left with a house that I really disliked from the beginning and one that was mediocre. I ultimately settled for the mediocre house, because I felt like if they wanted me to be part of their sisterhood, then that was special enough for me and I wanted to give them a chance.

Now that I’m in, I’ve been having doubts. I’ve only been a member for 3 weeks now, which isn’t much, I know. I’ve been on a few “big” dates which have helped me meet initiated members but when we go to events with the whole chapter, they barely act like they know me and just stick to their older friends. I don’t want to stick around and get a big and waste her time and effort if I’m not 100% committed. And don’t get me started on meeting people from my own pledge class. They haven't helped us get to know each other better at all. I also can’t help but feel like I wasn’t a carefully chosen member; I feel like my chapter just took anyone who wanted them. As a result, we have quite a few people lacking social skills, and it has been hard to find people I can talk to easily and relate to.

Today we had a Panhellenic meeting with new members from all sororities and we were seated randomly. I guess they did a bad job of spreading us out equally because my entire table consisted of girls from a certain other sorority and they were just staring at me and making me feel like an outsider. My chapter is considered one of the “lower” ranking ones at my school and I just hate having people make instant judgments any time I am wearing my letters or they find out what sorority I’m in. I also just felt bad because the girls in their pledge class seemed so close…and I really haven’t made many friends in mine.

I still feel sad and jealous whenever I see anyone from the sorority I wanted wearing their letters on campus or when I see their pictures on Facebook. I can’t stop myself from wondering why they didn’t want me back when I had felt such a strong connection. I’m scared I’m not a proud sister of my chapter like I should be. Are my concerns ridiculous? Am I being vain?

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by applesauce

Hi, I'm Jane. I don’t go to a very competitive Greek school. I have a high GPA. I’m very smiley and friendly. Sure, I’m not the most “fun” person ever but I am silly and down to earth! But all of the top sororities dropped me instantly. My confidence dropped a bit, but it was okay, because I was invited back the house I absolutely loved. The house where I felt so comfortable and the one place where conversations weren’t forced at all. They almost brought me to tears when I saw their skit. They emphasized sisterhood and were all-around genuine, kind, and outgoing. I dreamed of running to them on bid day and wearing their letters. But they dropped me before pref night, and I was left with a house that I really disliked from the beginning and one that was mediocre. I ultimately settled for the mediocre house, because I felt like if they wanted me to be part of their sisterhood, then that was special enough for me and I wanted to give them a chance.
But now that I’m in my sorority, I’ve been having doubts. I’ve only been a member for 3 weeks now, which isn’t much, I know. I’ve been on a few “big” dates and have been meeting initiated members but when we go to events with the whole chapter, they barely act like they know me and just stick to their older friends. I don’t want to stick around and get a big and waste her time and effort if I’m not 100% committed. And don’t get me started on meeting people from my own pledge class. I can’t help but feel like I wasn’t a carefully chosen member; I feel like my chapter just took anyone who wanted them. As a result, we have quite a few people lacking social skills, and it has been hard to find people I can talk to easily and relate to.

Today we had a Panhellenic meeting with new members from all sororities and we were seated randomly. I guess they did a bad job of spreading us out equally because my entire table consisted of girls from a certain other sorority and they were just staring at me and making me feel like an outsider. My chapter is considered one of the “lower” ranking ones at my school and I just hate having people make instant judgments any time I am wearing my letters or they find out what sorority I’m in. I also just felt bad because the girls in their pledge class seemed so close…and I really haven’t made many friends in mine.

I still feel sad and jealous whenever I see anyone from the sorority I wanted wearing their letters on campus or when I see their pictures on Facebook. I can’t stop myself from wondering why they didn’t want me back when I had felt such a strong connection. I’m scared I’m not a proud sister of my chapter like I should be. Are my concerns ridiculous? Am I being vain?

Yes you are being vain, but it's normal.

Please read the following threads, you'll see that you're not the only person who has ever felt that way.

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=106678

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=121412

I can't tell you whether to quit, stay, or depledge and rush again. That's up to you. I can tell you that re-rushing again doesn't always = a "better" chapter the next time around.

Also, be realistic about your desirability in recruitment. Many times people are like "I WAS SOOOO MEANT TO BE IN THE BEST HOUSE EVER! HOW DARE I END UP IN THIS ONE!" when they have nothing that these top groups would be interested in and just THINK they'd fit in better there.

[applesauce]

Thank you so much for your encouragement!

[Old_Row]

You shouldn't be depending on other people to help you get to know your sisters. You need to put yourself out there and make friends just like you would in the outside world. If you have a house, hang out there a lot even if it is to study or watch TV. If you don't have a house then figure out where your sisters like to hang out and go there. Approach some sisters you don't know after chapter and see if anyone wants to go out for coffee or froyo or whatever after. Sit next to sisters you don't know yet at every meeting and event and strike up a conversation.

You need to stop thinking about the what ifs and being concerned about tiers. That will crush your soul.

[applesauce]

Thank you, Old_Row

[MaryPoppins]

Be The Change you want to see. Every new pledge class is almost enough to change the personality of a chapter. Recruit your current sisters to the change you want to see. There are others like you there and others who are not but will still want o join you. And be warned there will be those afraid or averse to change. But it's now your turn to do the recruiting. You don't need a plan yet, just a team.

[carnation]

Originally Posted by Old_Row

You need to stop thinking about the what ifs and being concerned about tiers. That will crush your soul.

Old Row is right. I have seen too many girls absolutely wreck their Greek and even college experiences staring longingly at the sorority they wanted during recruitment.

[adpiucf]

You've gotten some great advice and it seems you are receptive to it. I will add that this feeling is also normal to girls who got their first choices, so you are not alone in feeling this way! I'd even bet there are girls in your new member class who have had similar feelings, not to mention other ladies in the other chapters at your school.

Everyone experiences some sense of temporary buyer's remorse, for lack of a better term, at some point in their sorority experience. I can tell you that this experience goes away when you make a strong effort to improve your attitude and take control of the situation by making an effort to get to know people and letting them know you are there. This is true in any organization, and not just in sororities.

Grab the phone list. Make an effort to reach out to a few members each day and invite them to have lunch or a coffee on campus, or to see a movie. Organize some impromptu sister dates. Go cheer on your team at intramurals together, or get ready together for a mixer. Do this and you'll start to make new friends and feel more included.

The members don't know you yet. You have the power to change this. And next year, you have the power to help shape the new member class.

I'm pretty sure the girls from the other sorority giving you the stink eye were not doing so out of general meanness. Sometimes when we feel hopeless, we tend to read into things too much. They all knew one another and you were the odd man out. Try to view that as an opportunity to introduce yourself and make some new friends.

Being in a sorority is not paying for your friends. Therefore, being part of a sisterhood doesn't equal instant BFFs. You have to actively work at developing and cultivating relationships. People will come to you if you make an effort to come to them. You're not going to bond with everyone. Some people you probably won't like very much. Others you will click with instantly. But within a large group, I'm pretty sure any reasonably nice and decent person can make friends. Sisterhood is a shared goal to support the community and one another, in addition to friendship. In college, I had some very close friends in my sorority, but I also had really close friends who were members of other sororities. That's just how friendship works. It takes effort and you have to put in what you want out of it. You can't wait for others to come to you.

You've got so much potential to turn this into a great experience. Attitude is a large part of making that experience a success!

[AOII Angel]

This is one of the first of many life lessons you will learn. Things don't always work out exactly as you would like, but you can make the best of the situation you are in and find out that it's a pretty good place. The phrase "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" is an optimist's phrase, but it illustrates well the concept that you can make a good situation out of anything. You just have to try. Consider the other options with regard to sorority life closed. Stop thinking "what if". They answered that for you when they released you. I know that's harsh, but you are in a group that wanted you and gave you a chance. Stop looking back because it will only torpedo any chance you have at enjoying your Greek experience. It will take you awhile to feel comfortable. There are a lot of women in this chapter. You won't know them all immediately. Getting a big will help. Stop being critical and be open when you go to the house. You'll make friends over time. It may take a year before you feel like the whole chapter is your chapter, but that's normal. Good luck.

[ASTalumna06]

As others have said, it's all about attitude. If someone looks down on you because of the sorority you're in, that's their problem, not yours. Show people that it doesn't bother you and wear your letters proudly.

The interesting thing about socially awkward members (yes, my chapter had a few - I'm sure every chapter does at one time or another) is that a lot of times, the sorority brings them out of their shells and they can end up being your most talkative, outgoing, socially-active sisters. They, like you, are probably just hoping that someone is willing to be their friend.

If you find youself "stuck" in a position where you're surrounded by members of another sorority, just try and talk to them. Ask them questions. Be friendly. But also understand that they're all sisters. It's tough being the outsider, and I'm sure it was also a little awkward for them. Realize also that these types of situations are going to arise outside of college/sorority membership. I once walked into a big work event a little late and had to take a seat at a table where I knew absolutely no one, but everyone else knew at least one other person at the table. I started out by introducing myself and asking what everyone's position was in the company. From there, a conversation just.. happened. It usually doesn't take much.

This entire situation can provide you with so many life lessons and experiences which you can carry over into the "real world." You seem very receptive to our advice (which is always refreshing!) so I trust that you'll stick it out for at least a little longer and give your new sisters a chance. Just don't let others' opinions of your chapter get you down.

And try not to focus on why the other sorority didn't select you for membership, and focus more on why your sorority did. They didn't just take you because they had to fill spots. They chose you because they saw something in you that would add positively to their chapter. Revel in that.

[DaffyKD]

The only "top tier" chapter is YOUR chapter. They wanted YOU. YOU loved them during recruitment. The personality of the chapter changes with every recruitment as new member join. Who has the same classes as you? Ask them to study and review with you. Who is from your home town? Sit down and share silly stories. Who belongs to an on-campus organization that interests you? Talk to them about the group and how to go about joining.

GET INVOLVED in the chapter.

DaffyKD

[HQWest]

Originally Posted by DaffyKD

The only "top tier" chapter is YOUR chapter. They wanted YOU. YOU loved them during recruitment. The personality of the chapter changes with every recruitment as new member join. Who has the same classes as you? Ask them to study and review with you. Who is from your home town? Sit down and share silly stories. Who belongs to an on-campus organization that interests you? Talk to them about the group and how to go about joining.

GET INVOLVED in the chapter.

DaffyKD

Exactly.

In short - who died and made them the cool kids?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by applesauce

I also can’t help but feel like I wasn’t a carefully chosen member

You weren't. Nobody was. If you were, it really WOULD be recruitment. But with formal rush, it's a matter of who comes through your door. #whynewtermsarestupid

Stick those letters in everyone's face, tell everyone who doesn't dig it to bite your left one, be super sociable on campus and encourage others to do so (including already initiated sisters). And as to why you weren't asked back "when you felt a strong connection"? Have you ever met a guy who makes every girl he talks to feel like the most desirable woman ever? That is what these sororities that you thought you "connected" with are adept at doing, only in a girl-way. Something that grows over time may prove to be far more REAL than that "love at first sight" feeling.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Something that grows over time may prove to be far more REAL than that "love at first sight" feeling.

This needs to be said again and again!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

This needs to be said again and again!

Although re men, I have to admit...do as I say, not as I do. lol