Relocating With Boyfriend

Convinced · #1 11-23-2005, 03:19 PM

First, let me say that it has been ages since I logged on. I have been silently reading for the last couple of weeks and could not resist getting back in.... I've missed you guys

Well, as usual, I've got a problem! (I did a search to see if this topic has been discussed and I couldn't find it....)

Anyway, I have been dating this guy for a little over a year and I am DEEPLY in love with him

I have had lots of boyfriends before, but never anyone that I have connected with on this level. Well, he recently got a job offer out of state, and the job will be about a $30,000 increase. I have been just overcome with grief at the thought of losing him. I don't want to be selfish and have him miss this opportunity, but I don't want him to leave either. Well, last night, he said that it would be really easy for me to find a job there too, because the job market is so much better, and being in the education field, I could make so much more money. I want to go, but I don't know if it would be foolish to go without a ring. We have talked about getting married in the near future. If I do move, I will not live with him... I have to have my own place.

I've never seen a long-distance relationship work, so I'm confused about if I should stay or if I should go. We've had issues in the past (baby's mama), but I love this man beyond belief. What do you all think?

Honeykiss1974 · #2 11-23-2005, 03:50 PM

Convinced,
I wanted to send you this via PM, but you have it disabled.

So here goes....

I've been in this situation before.

In my personal opinion (take it for what its worth) unless there is a ring on my finger (meaning he has asked me to marry him and this move is apart of our plan to spend the rest of our lives together) I wouldn't up and move - especially if its to a city that I didn't care for at all.

However, if having "the ring" isn't important to you, ask yourself these questions....In the event that you and this guy break up, is this city a place where you can see yourself living, working, and just all around being happy? Does this place offer anything that may fit YOUR personal goals and dreams? (ex. higher education, sorority activities, night-life, culture, etc.). Be sure to look at what benefits there are FOR YOU in this move as well because you never know....

Praying that things work out for the best.

aquafina03 · #3 11-23-2005, 04:10 PM

I have been in this same situation as well. I was in a long distance relationship and we both decided we needed to be in the same city. We had not had that experience before. Too make a long story short, I went to his city landing a teaching job (which is very easy to do) and was set on moving. Something came into my spirit that I should be married before i made any big moves because you never know what could happen when you get there. He may cheat, act a fool, or you just may not click anymore. That leaves you stuck and also wasting your money on moving. I personally would wait on the ring before you move. If he loves you like you love him, Im sure he won't mind waiting. If the ring doesnt matter then go for it but just be cautious. Dont rush anything. Good luck!!

nikki1920 · #4 11-23-2005, 04:55 PM

If you two are truly in love, distance will not lessen it. It will make it harder, but worth it in the end. I say stay put.

AKA2D '91 · #5 11-23-2005, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Convinced
First, let me say that it has been ages since I logged on. I have been silently reading for the last couple of weeks and could not resist getting back in.... I've missed you guys

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Soror V!
Happy Thanksgiving!

darling1 · #6 11-23-2005, 06:51 PM

you need to pray on this, first and foremost.

my advice is to wait. 1 year is still the honeymoon phase in a relationship. you are filled with all of the giddyness that comes with being in love. you need to look at the practicality of the situation. would you be comfortable in a new environment? is it truly possible for you to find employment? do you want to live with this man? being in a new location, new job, new life can put a strain on any relationship.

if you feel compelled to go, wait 6 months-1 year. this way, you can plan to interview and get the job. your sweetie will be there so you wont have to worry about having a place to stay or not knowing anyone. having the time will allow you to put your feelers out so that when you do go, you are not feeling isolated. the flipside about this is, what happens if your sweetie is unhappy? let's say something happens and he is forced to move back. by waiting, both of you are not going through changes.

if he has a problem with waiting, then i would STRONGLY consider the long-term implications of this. if it is true love and you feel that he is the one, he will wait. in the end, it will be sooooooo worth it.

Quote:

Originally posted by Convinced
First, let me say that it has been ages since I logged on. I have been silently reading for the last couple of weeks and could not resist getting back in.... I've missed you guys

Well, as usual, I've got a problem! (I did a search to see if this topic has been discussed and I couldn't find it....)

Anyway, I have been dating this guy for a little over a year and I am DEEPLY in love with him I have had lots of boyfriends before, but never anyone that I have connected with on this level. Well, he recently got a job offer out of state, and the job will be about a $30,000 increase. I have been just overcome with grief at the thought of losing him. I don't want to be selfish and have him miss this opportunity, but I don't want him to leave either. Well, last night, he said that it would be really easy for me to find a job there too, because the job market is so much better, and being in the education field, I could make so much more money. I want to go, but I don't know if it would be foolish to go without a ring. We have talked about getting married in the near future. If I do move, I will not live with him... I have to have my own place.

I've never seen a long-distance relationship work, so I'm confused about if I should stay or if I should go. We've had issues in the past (baby's mama), but I love this man beyond belief. What do you all think?

AXEAM · #7 11-25-2005, 12:52 PM

Okay, I'll give it to you from a male's point of view (Don't Do It!!) even if he gives you a ring. Engagements are broken off just as easy as just dating relationships get engage first then after you guys get married you move in w/him........remember life is easy it's our decisions that often makes it hard.

AchtungBaby80 · #8 11-25-2005, 01:16 PM

I'm posting because I was once debating the same question you are, and everyone has given you very good advice. It's always wise to wait. In my case, I ended up not moving and the distance allowed me to take a step back and look at the relationship objectively, and that's ultimately what clued me in that it wasn't going to work out. (That and some other things, but anyway.) I am thankful every day that I chose not to up and move to another country with that guy, because if I had, I have no idea what shape I'd be in right now. I know the relationship probably wouldn't have worked because he and I had different priorities, and I would've just ended up disappointed. So there's nothing wrong with waiting a while, and if your boyfriend doesn't see it that way, then you'll get your answer sooner than you thought.

SkeeWee14 · #9 11-26-2005, 12:24 AM

Wow...it's nice to know that I'm not the only one in this situation. I too have had many "boyfriends" (some more serious than others...and almost married one of them...thank goodness I saw the light). Anyway, I know exactly how you feel, because I'm dealing with the exact same thing.

In my situation, I don't know that we are going to get married anytime in the near future. Regardless of that, I've decided to make the move. I've had countless people say tell me to wait until I have a ring on my finger, but having a "ring" and being married doesn't mean that it's going to work anymore than it would if I don't have the ring prior to going. So yes, I'm going to make the move...and believe me when I tell you that I'm nervous! Not because of him, but mainly because of where we're going. I'll be a country girl living in a big city.

The one thing that I think is going to make the transition easier for me is that as much as I love him and want us to be together, I'm not going up there right away. For my own personal security I'm going to take my time. I need to have a job in place before making the move. In the event that we don't work out, I need to KNOW that I can stand on my own and survive in that city without having to move back home with my head hanging low.

So my only advice to you is to follow your heart and be prepared for the good that can come from relocating as well as the bad. Trust me, I've weighed the pros and cons...and I'm still planning to make the move. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

SummerChild · #10 11-26-2005, 03:36 PM

Soror, go with your heart and don't worry about what anyone (not family, not friends) have to say b/c you have to be the one who can sleep at night - not anyone else. Factor in the drama from the past, your potential for a better job opportunity, your potential to be with this man long-term, the risk that it might not work out between the two of you and if, on balance, your heart tells you to go, then go. Don't worry about a ring or anything else. It is your life to live so don't worry about what others think. Just go with your heart b/c at the end of your life, you will be the person looking back and possibly regretting or not.

I moved for a better job opp but can not deny that the guy that I had dated long-distance was a huge factor in *where* I moved for a new job opp. I knew that if I did not move to where he was, then I would *never* know if things would have worked out. So I came here and we are together. Of course, I was prepared for it if it didn't work out as well.

I guess that the worst that could happen is that you have moved, gotten a better job, got to see another part of the country but may (or may not) be around your family. You only live once and you can always go back home.

I guess that I get annoyed about this whether you have a ring thing. It's 2001 and that ring security thing was really for the day when women had to depend on a man for financial security. If you are not depending on him for financial security, what difference does it make whether you have a ring b/c if it doesn't work out, I assume that this is a place where there will be other men that you can get the ring from right? Is this a place where, if things don't work out, you won't be able to find anyone else?

I am not telling you what to do b/c at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you. My opinion is that whatever you choose, choose it b/c it's in *your* heart - not b/c your parents or girlfriends told you that it was the right or wrong thing to do.

Weigh everything, the good and the bad in your relationship, in the possible outcomes, etc. Pray about it, go with your heart and don't look back. Make the decision that will allow *you* to sleep at night.

SC

Quote:

Originally posted by Convinced
First, let me say that it has been ages since I logged on. I have been silently reading for the last couple of weeks and could not resist getting back in.... I've missed you guys

Well, as usual, I've got a problem! (I did a search to see if this topic has been discussed and I couldn't find it....)

Anyway, I have been dating this guy for a little over a year and I am DEEPLY in love with him I have had lots of boyfriends before, but never anyone that I have connected with on this level. Well, he recently got a job offer out of state, and the job will be about a $30,000 increase. I have been just overcome with grief at the thought of losing him. I don't want to be selfish and have him miss this opportunity, but I don't want him to leave either. Well, last night, he said that it would be really easy for me to find a job there too, because the job market is so much better, and being in the education field, I could make so much more money. I want to go, but I don't know if it would be foolish to go without a ring. We have talked about getting married in the near future. If I do move, I will not live with him... I have to have my own place.

I've never seen a long-distance relationship work, so I'm confused about if I should stay or if I should go. We've had issues in the past (baby's mama), but I love this man beyond belief. What do you all think?

DaddyzLilGrl · #11 11-28-2005, 02:24 PM

Convinced,

I truly empathize with your plight, and I think we all know how hard it is to find a good man. I will share with you a pearl of advice my nana gave me..... "If there is no ring, keep the distance the same!" I know it may sound crazy, but her heart is gold. Before you uproot your life, you need to know that the relationship will continue to progress. There is nothing wrong with waiting a couple of months before you decide to join him or not. If you get the ring and things don't work out, at least you're relocation from relocating expenses will be on him

. In all seriousness, love is hard to come by and a good man is hard to find, but before you go rushing into something, be clear on why you are rushing at all and what/who exactly you are rushing to. Good Luck and you know we have your back whatever you decide!